Is anyone else convinced they'll be alone for life ?

[capabilityfrowns]

I'm just so done with men and relationships.

I've lived alone now for 4 years and I really love it and can't see that changing

I've dated for 4 years and in 4 years I fancied one bloke who said the distance was too far and that was that after one date

I dont fancy anyone ever
Well - I fancied one bloke in 40 years and I'm 52 soon

I just think this is it . And is that so awful? Not settling for something shit ?

I'm resigned to growing old alone now . And I enjoy my time alone at home - I'd love to fall in love but it is t going to happen now and I'm realistic about that .
Tried everything to meet someone over last 4 years and it's a waste of time. I enjoy being an antisocial old git . Been in love once but weren't compatible. On line dating is absolutely the 7th circle of hell . Just awful . I work and that's my life . Work and home. Tried hobbies and social groups . Gave up .

Is it so bad to be alone ? And remain alone ?

Hello... just wanted to say I feel totally the same. I'm about to turn 50.. been single 18 months...I rarely find men attractive... or the rare ones I do are not available etc.

Agree online dating is a shit show and horrific for the most part. I've tried going out more but nothing seems to work out for me... I feel very disillusioned by it all.

The 'Being alone forever' narrative that goes around in my head constantly, worries me in the same way it does for you... I just don't see it changing for me.. but that said.. It's good that we enjoy your own company and solitude- so so so important and crucial for accepting this period in your life...

Most of the time I try and distance myself from my singledom and try and enjoy the freedom and independence I have now to be whoever I want to be and go wherever I want to go.. but I totally get your wobbles and fear...

Sending you hugs

I’m always amazed at people who have multiple marriages or a series of fiancés /long term relationships etc because I too for the most part don’t find men attractive or connect with them . At least not for the best part of this decade 😆

I am hoping this year will be the year I meet the love of my life because tbh I’d love to have a life partner, soulmate etc and possibly even have children.

I am blessed with great friendships but often I feel like I’m third wheeling when I’m around them and their family. And the older I get I want someone who prioritises me the same way I prioritise them. People will always (quite rightly) put their family first.

I went back on Hinge for a day recently and some guy I matched with his first message was “dinner with me?” I thought he was joking and gave a laughter emoji. Then he said something else and I realised he wasn’t. His chat grew worse over the evening, asking if I wanted a drink with him that evening - it was 10pm and we lived about an hour away from each other so I’m pretty sure he was looking for sex. Then asking me to video chat when I declined the drink .

I immediately unmatched after that. I was so disgusted, he made no effort to get to know me and was being evasive when I asked him things such as if he had kids or not. So yeah while I’ve met some decent guys that I’ve had some nice dates with, sometimes OLD is dire!

All that being said there are much worse things than being alone. You only need to take a look through the boards here at people being stuck in awful lonely marriages and loveless relationships. You can definitely be alone, happy and fullfilled.

Of course it's not bad to be alone. I'm 64 and have been alone since my marriage ended over 20 years ago, and I'm not the slightest bit interested in even looking for anyone else. I love living alone and am not prepared to give up my freedom for anyone.

I am. I've been single for a very long time and lived alone for more than 10 years. You sound quite content and happy to be single and if that's the case then I think that's great. I'm not and feel very lonely but if you are content and enjoy your life as a single person then that's a good place to be.

https://amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/may/25/women-happier-without-children-or-a-spouse-happiness-expert

This discusses a book and survey (based on US women) that found through longitudinal data that childless, unmarried women were more likely than other women to be happy and lived longer.

Don’t let a belief that it would be better to be in a partnership cloud your happiness. :-)

My grandma was widowed in her 40s and never even went on another date. She did tell me once that she missed sex (thanks, grandma! 🤣) but she carved out an enviable single life for herself - hobbies, friends, travel. She had a lovely flat; got involved with the local community; volunteered; studied languages and history; after retirement, was out every day with someone doing something.

She was very independent and, tbh, I think a man would have held her back. She died in her late 80s had a great life and was my hero really.

Tried hobbies and social groups

Why did you give up? Don't do things with a view to meeting a man. Do them because they are interesting and fulfilling to you. You never know who you will meet along the way.

I met my partner through a hobby and I simply wouldn't have ever met him if I hadn't started a different hobby 8 years earlier because I started the hobby with the husband of a woman I became good friends with through the first hobby!

It's fine to be alone, if you want to be alone.

Resigning yourself to being alone forever is a bit fatalistic, especially if you're not really doing anything to change the status quo.

I've been single with 2 DC since I left my EXDP 2 and a half years ago. I'm ready, and would like to meet someone new now, so actively going out of my way to create opportunities to do so.

I've been on a number of first dates which were fine, though there was no spark. Not all men are awful lol

If it helps, it's just as bad being alone 'in' a relationship :)

I don’t really see this stuff as ‘being alone’ or being ‘resigned to growing old alone’. @GreyCarpet’s grandma was definitely not alone. She just chose not to pursue relationships with men after her husband’s death, but otherwise had a life full of friends and family.

Just on the hobbies point - I hear this alot but I've never really been a hobbies person. I'd love to find something I enjoy and can feel passionate about but over the years I've tried lots of different things and never found anything that really interested me. I don't want to do something just because it could help me meet a partner, that would be a bonus but it would be nice just to have something bring a bit of fun/meaning to my life when all my friends are with their husbands and children. If you have a hobby that does that I'm very jealous!

I'm 52 as well.

I'm resigned to being happily single.

I've been married briefly twice, not had a relationship in 8yrs. Dated here and there for 10yrs before that.

I've looked at dating sites, had a browse and though, nah! Too much effort. My life is pretty much okay without dating drama! Fab friends, great social life and my toilet lid is always down!

There just aren't enough decent men to go round in my opinion, especially when you get to mid life and beyond. The women who manage to bag a decent man tend to hold on to him. I reckon most of these men are snapped up when young late teens to early 20's and if they are decent men, faithful, hardworking, have relationships, family or at least marriage minded with good relationship skills and no serious issues like gambling or addictions then they get married and stay married. As to landing one, I think it is mostly luck.

It does mean though that once you are older the chances or finding a really good man, someone who'd make a good partner is now really low, not impossible but not good odds as those who do become available are often taken pretty quickly and again its just your luck.

At my age there are lots of lovely women who are single but most of the men on the dating market are not a good prospect and are often an outright liability for the woman, not only that but they regard themselves as being a great catch and that you'd be lucky to have them when they in fact bring little if anything to a relationship.

Is that what you feel you are?

If it’s not too nosy a question, why don’t you leave?

Tbh, I think from the male perspective I (and others in any way like me) are not a good prospect either.

I’m in my 40s. I have a house, a well-paid career, a pension, and so on. I don’t ‘need’ a man practically or financially - and I certainly do not want one to be financially dependent on me in many way.

As a result of that (and many other things), my tolerance for having to look after or
tale care of a man is below zero. I’m not interested in someone who actually just creates more for me to do. I have children; I don’t want to cook, clean, run around after or otherwise run around after an adult man.

Sadly, my experience of men in my age bracket is that far too many of them have the worst possible male socialisation. They have convinced themselves that they share the load - but only because they are determined only to perceive the tip
of the iceberg. And they are often incredibly high maintenance and emotionally needy - the require you to give and give but you get precious little back in support or care, especially if you dare to be inconvenient enough to need it.

The ones who aren’t like this are probably in long term relationships for the most part.

I’m not interested in a ‘single father’ who is looking for a nanny/housekeeper with benefits who not only pays her own way but makes up for the financial burden he bears as a NRP post-divorce. I’ve been there and divorcing that. I may have finally learned to set my bar far higher and not care if men perceive that as not being nice.

Basically, I give precisely no shits about being a nice, convenient woman or giving men the benefit of the doubt (only to learn that, yes, they do think that putting some bins out once a week and annually pressure washing stuff I do not give a fuck about being pressure washed constitutes superhuman effort in a household. I’m a strong minded, feminist woman who simply cannot be arsed with any of that. I’ve got enough to do!

I’m also not interested in an older man. Im
mid 40s. I’m not interested in the prospect of keeping someone as they retire long before me. Men my age or thereabouts are more often than not looking for younger women - in their 30s or even 20s 🤮. The bunch of men approaching 60 who have decided they might need to look at middle
aged women… absolutely not.

So yeah… from the perspective of men on dating apps, I am a very undesirable prospect indeed. And I don’t care.

I’m getting to that stage now and I’m ok with it tbh.

Im 55 had a 23 year relationship and a now young adult son from that. Ended in 2017 had a 2 year relationship since which ended in 2020 and been single ever since.

Had a few dates but only one with a spark and it turned out he had ED 🤷‍♀️

Ive got a great friendship circle, very active social life and other than sex I don’t miss anything about being with a man. I certainly couldn’t live with anyone again.

Ive never been someone who can have casual sex so that’s not an option but I am starting to wonder if a FWB might suit me. Problem is I need to find someone attractive enough and that’s not happened.

@C1N1C I would say it's worse. I'm actually looking forward to being lonely alone, rather than lonely with someone!

I'm 54 and my last date was in 2017. I've just had enough. So many bad relationships, so much pain. I can't go through it again. So I decided for the sake of my mental health, I needed to remain single.

Am I happy about it? Mostly. I enjoy my life. I wfh with a brilliant work/life balance. I have loads of hobbies. A fantastic relationship with my adult DC. I'm ok financially. I'm not sure where I'd fit in a relationship.

The sadness I feel is for what I never had. As in a good, long lasting marriage. I don't want to meet someone "new" (and it would be slim pickings if I did!). What I would have liked is someone I have history with, where we know each other inside out and truly love each other. That ship for me has sailed now. I dont have the energy or inclination to try and start over (yet again!). So I do still mourn that sometimes if I'm being honest. But I don't let it drag me down. We don't all get everything we want in life and I've been lucky in other ways. It is what it is.

Completely agree with @harrietpot

@EmpressSoleil that's how I feel, I look at my parents and I wish I had what they have. All I ever wanted was a partnership, but I think now i'll be happiest just with pets and my friends.

A not insignificant % of women feel the same way. 28% of women in the 40-49 age range in the UK are single, apparently the figure for single women in the age 25-44 is expected to go up to 50% by 2030. As for a lot of other women who have everything together, it is finding a purpose and meaning in life beyond romantic relationships and learning to accept it. My friends and I aren’t closed to the idea of meeting someone but it just hasn’t happened in years and we have now learnt to enjoy single life. What else can we do when there is so little prospect of finding a fulfilling romantic relationship at this age? And I also admire my parents for their happy relationship of 45 years but it simply isn’t on the cards for me and my friends.

I am 50 - 2 teen DC. Have been on my own for about the last 8 years after a few unsuccessful forays into OLD.

I'm a bit torn on this. One one hand - I am happy/ independent/ own house/ good job/ plenty of friends/ love making my own decisions/ largely happy spending time on my own but.....

I feel lonely. Pretty much of my friends are still happily married, they do family stuff at weekends. I miss having someone for whom you are a priority. Someone to go away with for nice weekends, go out to dinner with. The closeness and support that can't be relaxed by friendships however many good mates you have. Just that closeness that you have in a good relationship.

I know there are plenty of shit relationships out there and I would far rather my situation than be in one of those. But I don't think I want to grow old alone either!!

It doesn't have to be a hobby in the traditional thinking

If you are passionate about green issues or urban spaces remaining in public ownership, you can get involved with local issues that affect you directly or something you care about. The local lake, keeping the last pub for miles open.

There is a woman whom I think recently finished,but wanted to try and rate every NTrust property scones. So if you like scones or something similar you can make a mission for yourself.

Everyone likes something.

Even if it's just TV. Have you looked at becoming an "extra" the most booked "extra" in TV is not a young hot thing they are a middle aged woman I think.

Visit every state in America perhaps if money is not a problem.

Write a short ghost story.

Visit the most northern, southern, remote, oldest, highest pub in the UK.

Visit all 4 capital of the UK. We have Belfast left to take the kids.

Learn graffiti art.

Go on the Orient Express (17k) for a decent journey but hey what a journey. Plus hiring of 18c frocks and wigs :-)

Everyone is into something, but not every passion is a weekly "hobby".

Work out what you want, and work towards that.

What shape do you want your life to be? It doesn't have to involve a partner any more than it has to involve sky diving or going clubbing or book clubs. It's your life. Design it.

Some really interesting posts and thanks for the suggestions frozendaisy! I do read alot and I'm part of a book group but that's not great for meeting a partner as they are all women.

I wish I was happy being single, like some of you but I feel really lonely. It's been such a long time since I've had someone to share things with and all my friends are married with children and I just feel completely on my own. I also would have like children but now it's too late. I've tried OLD but really don't enjoy it - most of the men my age either come with lots of baggage or, if they want children, they want someone younger than me. In general, I haven't found the slightest spark with anyone except one..who then ghosted me. It's a bit soul destroying.

@StragglyTinsel I so love that!!!! I've left my husband looking for houses ( it's hard a to rent as a single mother) but I will get there. You inspire me! No way I want a man in my life again. I am looking forward to raising my children and being single long term probably forever.