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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Phrases used to shut you down

54 replies

Flyhigher · 03/01/2024 19:18

Just stop - they don't
Just because you say something doesn't make you right. - but they always are.
You don't have to be right all the time. - but they always are
You have to have the last word - but they always do.

OP posts:
Flyhigher · 03/01/2024 19:26

I'm beginning to think human interactions are a war zone. I have a teen and an elderly mother.
Does anyone else find these phrases jarring?
Are they meant to control you?
However gets on first wins. Closes down any discussion.

OP posts:
KateyCuckoo · 03/01/2024 19:27

Don't start

TrousersAndPotato · 03/01/2024 19:30

You go and have little cry

Flyhigher · 03/01/2024 19:34

I say don't start I must admit.
Go on have a little cry is so mean. My DD says that.
How did we find such mean phrases as humans?

OP posts:
Allthewallsarewhite · 03/01/2024 19:40

When I say I don't like how you spoke to me, I'm being told that I can't tell him what he can or can't say. He's free to express himself and should be allowed to say what he thinks.
Apparently telling him how I'm emotionally affected by how he speaks to me makes me controlling, but twisting it round this way.

Whilst we're on the topic, any advice on how to respond to that aside from accepting I should just not bother to stand up for myself?

TrousersAndPotato · 03/01/2024 19:41

It's what he said yo me after he'd been particularly mean to me. Divorced 3 years now.

Flyhigher · 03/01/2024 19:41

I've had that too. You can't tell me what to say. You are controlling.

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 03/01/2024 19:44

"Thats your interpretation"

Flyhigher · 03/01/2024 19:44

@TrousersAndPotato that's super mean. 😢.

Teen has said it. Not quite like that to be fair. But similar.

OP posts:
SleepPrettyDarling · 03/01/2024 19:45

Also, in reply to ‘no’

”Just think about it.”

like, did you not hear me??

Therollinghills · 03/01/2024 19:49

" you think you're so perfect don't you"
Used after I raised any issues with him/the relationship.
Also "you do that as well".

Theasparrot · 03/01/2024 19:49

@Allthewallsarewhite
He's free to express himself and should be allowed to say what he thinks.
you are also free to tell him that you don't like how he speaks to you, you are not trying to control him, you're just telling him that you don't fucking like being spoken to like that.

HelpWendy · 03/01/2024 19:52

Just leave it

TrousersAndPotato · 03/01/2024 19:54

@Therollinghills I used to get that one! Also, he really hated that I know stuff! He'd say "why do you know that? You have to know everything, you have to be so fucking clever".

I tried dumbing myself down to keep the peace. Didn't work!

autienotnaughty · 03/01/2024 19:54

I once had a health visitor who wasn't listening to me say "I can see you are getting overwhelmed by this" which made me feel like I couldn't continue to put my point across.

Therollinghills · 03/01/2024 19:55

TrousersAndPotato · 03/01/2024 19:54

@Therollinghills I used to get that one! Also, he really hated that I know stuff! He'd say "why do you know that? You have to know everything, you have to be so fucking clever".

I tried dumbing myself down to keep the peace. Didn't work!

Me too! Do we have the same ex? He hated me knowing how to spell stuff the most, or using words he didn't understand the meaning of, then would make out like I was just using them to seem superior rather than just using my natural vocabulary as I would with anyone else.

Flyhigher · 03/01/2024 19:56

Did you not hear me is making you agree with them. It's Vicious.

Also you never listen. (Ie agree) or sometimes you just miss what has been said.

OP posts:
Flyhigher · 03/01/2024 19:57

Also read the text. When you've read it and it makes no sense or can be interpreted different ways.

OP posts:
Ornamentalcabbages · 03/01/2024 20:03

"I was wondering how long it would take for me to become the bad guy"

After I reach my limit and find the courage to call out his BS

HeddaGarbled · 03/01/2024 20:05

OK Boomer

TrousersAndPotato · 03/01/2024 20:06

@Therollinghills oh wow! It's him!!!

Bloody spooky!

SOxon · 03/01/2024 20:49

reading these has put knots in my stomach - I feel as though I need a brandy,

saying something horrid and unpleasant, then when you are upset,
he asks where is your sense of humour ?????

don’t start
you are always bringing up the past
you are getting just like your mother

then there are the obfuscations, designed so that
you have to ask him what does he mean, even better
with a quizzical look, then he can assure you how
stupid you are (you just fell into his trap)

then there are the sexual put down

He was nasty, it wears you down,

transference and projection ladies,
remember they are all working from the same script

or as my cousin Jen is fond of telling me,
‘there isn’t a man born worthy of any woman!’

” It takes a heart like Mary’s these days when your man gets weak “

(Joni Mitchell, ‘Don’t interrupt the sorrow’
from Hissing of Summer Lawns)

ToddlerMumma · 03/01/2024 20:50

'Here we go again', when I've said something completely normal and non confrontational. It makes me question myself

Indifferentchickenwings · 03/01/2024 20:53

I'm beginning to think human interactions are a war zone. I have a teen and an elderly mother

yes 😂

hatredbuiltup · 03/01/2024 20:57

You act up then
Just cry about it why don't you
Attention seeking
Stop talking so loud why do you want the neighbours to hear
Next time I'll punch you
Just shut up
I can't talk when you're like this

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