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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Phrases used to shut you down

54 replies

Flyhigher · 03/01/2024 19:18

Just stop - they don't
Just because you say something doesn't make you right. - but they always are.
You don't have to be right all the time. - but they always are
You have to have the last word - but they always do.

OP posts:
Indifferentchickenwings · 03/01/2024 20:59

SOxon

ah im sorry that’s horrible to get triggered like that
put the phone down ! X

Flyhigher · 03/01/2024 21:04

Maybe we need to start a positive thread x

OP posts:
TrousersAndPotato · 03/01/2024 21:07

Hey @SOxon can I guess your location by your user name? Fancy a cuppa!?

SOxon · 03/01/2024 21:21

TrousersAndPotato · 03/01/2024 21:07

Hey @SOxon can I guess your location by your user name? Fancy a cuppa!?

lol, why not? named after a river, weekly market Tuesday, famous singer
rests in the graveyard … famous kebab van! …

WingBingo · 03/01/2024 21:24

“Oh here we go”

”Are you due on your period?”

”Have you taken your medication?”

Coffeeandanap · 03/01/2024 21:30

You’re always so aggressive (when calming responding to a tirade of abuse)

Stop speaking!

Just shut up & get in the car now!

stealthninjamum · 03/01/2024 21:31

My mum used to say ‘it must be great to be perfect’ if I tried to point out she’d been rude or hurtful.

I had 40 years of her criticising every part of me ‘you’re stupid’ , ‘you’re fat’, ‘your hair is a mess’, ‘your feet look disgusting’, ‘you’re a slut’ (meaning the old fashioned way of describing someone who lived in a mess’, I could go on.

im quite an assertive person with a healthy self esteem so when I challenged her on the insults she’d say ‘I’m your mother, if i can’t tell you you smell no one else will’ - she seemed to think she was doing me a favour by pointing out the flaws she perceived I had.

I haven’t seen her now for 5 years.

SOxon · 03/01/2024 21:43

Indifferentchickenwings · 03/01/2024 20:59

SOxon

ah im sorry that’s horrible to get triggered like that
put the phone down ! X

thank you x
I can’t, I might miss something
it was a long time ago

I thought of another - ‘you are too sensitive’

the last day before we left, I told him “breeding shows” ha !

merrywidow · 03/01/2024 21:46

What bit of (whatever) don't you get?

caringcarer · 03/01/2024 22:04

If I'm arguing with my DH in the evening, he says, I'm going to bed to close me down.

Olinguita · 03/01/2024 22:41

You are provoking me
Is your period due?
I can't even express myself without you overreacting (after having said something mean).
Here we go again
You need help.

scoobydoo1971 · 03/01/2024 23:09

I have a brother who is the Olympic games of put downs:

"Scooby is just saying that because she is grumpy because she is..." single/ ugly/ gained weight/ has PMT/ disabled/ getting old/ not so good looking as in her youth/ incapable of 'keeping' a man interested...and the list goes on.

His best line was when I brought a coffee to his office, and he looked at me, and said 'What happened to you, as you used to be so slim and now you have just let yourself go'. It was a retort to me asking him why he was taking so long to finish a meeting as we had a pre-arranged business appointment. I have just finished a course of steroids and major surgery for cancer, and put on about a stone with treatment. I replied that at least I can still see my toes in the shower. For context, he is about four stone overweight. I have a thick skin fortunately.

SomehowLost · 04/01/2024 07:18

You're just like your mother
I'm not interested
Why do you take everything so personally?
Stop picking at every little thing!
Sush

SomehowLost · 04/01/2024 07:20

The menopause is having a terrible effect on you.

Organaforever · 04/01/2024 07:40

Same as some others have described.

You're raising your voice (nope)

You're making it about you (nope - in fact do everything to avoid getting that one thrown at me but it always ends up in there somehow)

More recently, 'is there a problem with that?' tends to shut things down quickly as well.

Such an emotionless way to live.

C1N1C · 04/01/2024 07:46

"If that's the way you feel, why are we even together?"

Shemakeslists · 04/01/2024 08:04

I’ve listened to you (he hasn’t), now I’ll tell you what you actually meant.

(It’s never what I had just said and his version is always bad - I then have to sit and listen without interrupting, as he’s just ‘listened’ to me.)

March2024baby · 04/01/2024 08:14

KateyCuckoo · 03/01/2024 19:27

Don't start

Yes. This 😕
"Shut up"
and actually in some contexts - 'what's wrong?!!?' When asked in an exasperated tone, when it's actually obvious what's wrong (maybe we have just had words or maybe I've just had bad news etc:) but the exasperated tone implies that you are creating hassle by having emotions and they actually don't want you to express what is wrong

cantbecaught · 04/01/2024 08:33

Oh my god, these are awful. And I recognise quite a few from my ex DH and feel so grateful I haven't heard a single one in 10 years. My contribution (that I see to hate hearing so much!) was 'you can't have it all your way' whenever I expressed any need whatsoever.

cantbecaught · 04/01/2024 08:35

If you are still in the situation that you are hearing these phrases, try to open your mind to consider leaving. It's not a nice relationship if these things are said to you. I can't tell you the relief realising I won't hear them again (once you've escaped them you would never accept them again).

Cordell · 04/01/2024 15:38

My favourite is "alright, don't get bloody menstrual about it".

Notsuchaniceguy · 04/01/2024 20:18

Christ I've heard a lot of these (apart from the misogynistic ones as I'm male). The one I get the most is "you think you are so perfect don't you?" If I bring up anything. Yet I am often reminded of the things I've done wrong, or taken to the room to be shown the 'crime' because "you need to see it to learn not to do it again". After I washed up if there was water on the surface next to the sink was a regular. If I said you could have just wiped it up I'll get the 'perfect' lecture.

I suppose now I'm so conscious of the water her method has worked (hollow laugh).

JambalayaOrGumbo · 04/01/2024 23:45

"Keep talking - you're obviously looking for an argument" when I've called him on something snarky he's said to me, or used that 'putdown tone' that he knows I don't like (and won't stand for any more)

DancesWithDucks · 05/01/2024 09:35

Not so much a phrase as just ...

Silence.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 05/01/2024 09:42

Stop going on

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