Partner is addicted to cocaine

[Anom91]

Hi everyone, I met my partner around 4/5 years ago. I have a DD 11 with someone else and a 9 month old DS with him and I’m currently 32 weeks pregnant. My DP has had a chaotic life he sadly lost both parents in his early 20s which led him down a bad path. He really turned his life around when we met and was amazing with my DD. However it came to light during lockdown that he had a problem with cocaine. I thought he had used recreationally before we met and had no idea of his issues with it until then. Anyway police came to my house and searched jt which was a huge shock to me. Luckily my DD was at her dads or I would not of been able to continue the relationship. I know people will say I should have ended it then but I felt for him and He promised to stop and I chose to support him as long as he got help. Things seemed to be good and I believed he had stopped using. We have just got a joint mortgage a few months ago but I’ve caught him multiple times… leaving bags of it in pockets, crumbs on the floor, him staying up late by himself. I’ve been so stupid and niave. I told him last week if I found anything again I would leave. I actually asked him to leave for a bit but he refused. My life is such a mess and I’m bringing another baby into this. This baby was not planned and my coil had fallen out without me knowing. I know I need to put my kids first but I have no where to go as I’m joint on mortgage. I’m on extended maternity leave and currently don’t contribute financially. I’m so lost. I work as a mental health nurse seeing addiction often. I thought I could support him and that we would be enough for him to stop but addiction comes first and makes them lie and manipulate situations. I honestly thought I was going mad imaging it all but it’s there in black and white. I don’t know why I’m posting I just needed to get it off my chest. I know I need to leave for my kids sake but where do I go? I’m so upset this has happened it’s meant to be happy time in my life having kids, getting a mortgage but I feel like I’m in a nightmare. Thanks for reading x

I'm so sorry this has happened OP. Addiction is hard but cocaine is not the most addictive and if he'd really wanted to he could have stopped, he hasn't. I don't know how you untangle the finance issues but I think he needs to leave. Is he refusing to still?

Leave now. Please don’t put your children through life with an addict. He will never not be an addict.

He's leaving drugs on the floor and you've got a crawling baby? That's not a safe environment for your children. (Understatement).

Have you got family you can go to? Has he (siblings, aunts, uncles).

I could maybe get past him still doing it recreationally, outside of the house when he doesn't have any other responsibilities. But not in my home, leaving it where dc could get it.

Crumbs of it on the floor when you have a child able to crawl?

You need to immediately remove yourself from that environment if he won't go.

You shouldn't have to (and people will say 'why should she leave, he should etc) but safeguarding your kids needs to come before what is technically 'fair'.

"leaving bags of it in pockets, crumbs on the floor," . Do you want to end up with a dead child?!

I know I know I was absolutely disgusted and that’s when I asked him to leave but he refused and I’ve heard all the promises under the sun since. I thought I had given him enough of a fright but just this morning I looked in his Wallet and found an empty bag 😣 he’s still in bed asleep so I haven’t confronted him yet but no doubt he’ll deny as usual. He has not much family left.. his sister lives 4 hours away. I’ve opened up to my mum about it and she said if she had space in her house she would let us stay. My older daughter is also not stupid and is going to click on soon. I feel like I’m on constant watch for evidence and won’t leave my son alone with him now. Yes I said the same, I’m no angel and have done it recreationally in the past but I don’t want it in my life at all now.

I need to phone local council and see if I can get anywhere as I don’t know if I will be entitled to anything as I’m joint on the mortgage. I know I need to get out. I never thought I would be in this situation. Im getting a section in 7 weeks my life is such a mess

Oh that sounds so tough. But you can get through this. He has crossed the line too many times, you have to protect yourself and your children. Get some advice from CAB re your mortgage, maybe talk to a solicitor too, anyone who can help. Get things going now before the new baby arrives. You can do this 💪

@Anom91

I had a section a couple of months ago and would massively recommend you go to your mums ASAP so that you aren't in a situation where you have it (potentially early) and are reliant on this arsehole for physical support as well as emotional support.

Get to your mums so you can be surrounded by love and care before baby arrives. The least stress possible and the most support possible is crucial now more than ever.

I'm so sorry OP but while you shouldn't have to leave your home, the only way to safeguard your children is to do so if he refuses to leave.

Imaging the guilt, and the SS involvement, if your child was to ingest coke left lying around.

I think you have to get the children out of there. If (god forbid) the baby ends up ingesting crumbs and you're in A&E, there won't be an acceptable explanation. It's a matter of urgency. I also think you're going to have to look to the police/courts for help in getting him out of the house.

@bluejelly yeah I’m going to go to Citizens advice and enquire about things. Thanks for your reply. @whatsitcalledwhen my mum dosent have the space for us all she said. I think I need to get advice about housing as I’m on a joint mortgage and he won’t leave. Ahh posting on here has made it all real. I really thought he would get his act together we are engaged and everything. I know what I need to do though. My kids have to come first.@StephanieSuperpowers thats mh worst fear… I am constantly checking if he has left behind evidence. It’s no way to live. We are on joint mortgage so I don’t think they could make him leave. Plus he paid the deposit. We’ve only been in 2 months ☹️

If the police came and searched your house, they must have suspected him of dealing? What prompted them to come? You need to get legal advice re the house and get him out asap.

Oh gosh OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Do you know his family/friends? Is there anywhere he could potentially go or is asking him to leave just totally out the question?

I would say you need to try all services you can think of for support, the council, your midwife, your GP and like you said try citizens advice. Would social services also be willing to help? If there is a danger to the child, they may possibly be able to remove him from the home?

I think you need to contact the police. Tell them your partner is bringing drugs into the home and you want him out. They may be able to help or put you in touch with someone who can. But it’s vital you act quickly even if it means getting help from social services. But start with a 101 call to the police.

Call Women's Aid. Explain the full situation. This is a very dangerous situation for your children, especially the youngest. Children have died by picking up drugs from the floor and ingesting it. You may have to go to a refuge.

I have no advice on the mortgage. But seeing it is only 2 months, something could be arrange. Best to phone the mortgage provider. Are you definitely on the mortgage or just the deeds?

You have clearly never had a cocaine addiction. Or any addiction. You can't quantify a persons addiction for a start, I one a man that lost his house, family and job as he was addicted to online gambling. Not slot machines or anything but betting against stupid digital hamster races and the like. You may say that's not a "serious" addiction but I'm pretty sure the fact that it cost him everything means that it is in fact serious.

Cocaine is very hard to quit as it interferes with your dopamine receptors and literally mates you feel indivisible when you are on it, and then unable to feel any rash sorry of happiness without it. So you keep chasing it and need more and more. I've been clean for 13 years now and even watching somebody on the telly cutting up lines mates my mouth flood with saliva and my heart race. It's a very very hard drug to kick and nothing else I've ever taken comes close to it. Thankfully I've never been tempted by heroin.

Op, you need to get rid of this man and put your children first.

And I agree that the police turning up means he is dealing. To search your house they must have had a warrant? Which means they are watching him and if it's a new house they have been watching a good while to make sure the address was correct. Are you ready for them to come through your door again and for your house to be plastered all over the local Facebook sites and news papers? Would that affect your career?

You can get cocaine tests on the internet. Film him taking one and the result ask in one single video without any cuts or pauses etc. this will be invaluable for when you tell him he can't see the kids as he has an active and very real addiction problem.

@Anom91 I am also really sorry you are going through this and well done for posting but as someone who went out with a Coke head (drug addict) for 4.5 years; you are massively underplaying how serious this is. Until he reaches rock bottom - which it doesn’t sound like he is - and loses everything - you must to focus on yourself and the kids.

As PP have said can you imagine having to go to A&E with the baby who found a bag and took what was inside? It is a real scenario.

Call 101 and get him removed. You need to separate your feelings about him as he only gives a fuck about one thing and I’m sorry but it’s not you or the kids or your unborn baby. This is the absolutely wrong environment for you.

Take some action immediately and realise the seriousness of your situation. A PP said cocaine is not the hardest of drugs - I would wholeheartedly disagree. Cocaine is probably the most addictive one going. Please use this thread to make some positive changes and whatever he’s saying to you is absolute bollox. You are only finding the bags that he’s been too fucked to remember to dispose of. I imagine if you knew the half of it you would have kicked him out weeks ago…

💐 for you. Please find some inner strength and kick his ass to the kerb…

Was coming on to say this, police wouldnt come to the house unless sometjing else going on like dealing. If he is, you and the children need to leave ASAP. Goodness knows who will arrive at uour door next.

Hi OP. You need to stop thinking about mortgages & this being a happy time in your life. You are living with a drug addict & drug dealer. If the father of your elder child knew this he would I hope challenge you for residency of your daughter. You are placing the lives of your children at risk every second You remain in a home with him. You need to contact the police. They must have some evidence if they searched your house. Do you have access to his phone/email etc which may contain more evidence? All of this may be a way to force him out of the home. You say he paid the deposit, is there evidence that It was his money not yours? Is the deposit actually the proceeds of drug dealing?

@Citylady88 police came to my old home around 2/3 years ago… he said he was due someone money so agreed to have a package delivered to the house which the police intercepted at the airport. I know so fucking stupid. My daughters dad is no better to be honest. Yes, he got inheritance from a family member who died and there’s proof of that. He has just woke up and denied everything. Said the bag in his wallet was there weeks ago but it wasn’t. I’ve asked him to leave and he said he will now but I bet he won’t.
thanks for everyone’s replies I really appreciate the advice.

Ah I remember those days when our house would be busted for drugs because our dad was dealing, the windows being put through for his drug debts, us kids going into care until our parents sorted themselves out and got clean for a bit.

I'm still in therapy in my 50's. I have ptsd. It's affected my whole life in some way or another. I'll never forgive my so called parents (passed now) for what they put us through.

You should have put him out on his arse that first time. That drugs bust should have scared you enough to kick him out. You've put his and your own needs and safety in front of your children's

" I know people will say I should have ended it then but I felt for him and He promised to stop and I chose to support him as long as he got help"
read this part of your post back to yourself. You chose to help him instead of protecting your children from him.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

As a mental health nurse you must be familiar with the way addiction takes over people's lives.

You say your first boyfriend was no better. When you're in a better place emotionally and physically I recommend you do the Freedom Programme, to help you understand why you've ended up with two losers in your life.

In the meantime, ask the police for help to get this man out of your house. You and your children deserve better than this.

Yes, if the police have searched your house, this is no longer to do with his personal use...

I can't see it's possible for you to stay there, given he paid the deposit and you've only been there a couple of months.

Does he have the money to pay for a deposit and some rent so that you can leave?

It's an awful situation but I think you'll feel much lighter when you separate. Will your mum be willing to help out with the new baby?