Partner is addicted to cocaine

[Anom91]

Hi everyone, I met my partner around 4/5 years ago. I have a DD 11 with someone else and a 9 month old DS with him and I’m currently 32 weeks pregnant. My DP has had a chaotic life he sadly lost both parents in his early 20s which led him down a bad path. He really turned his life around when we met and was amazing with my DD. However it came to light during lockdown that he had a problem with cocaine. I thought he had used recreationally before we met and had no idea of his issues with it until then. Anyway police came to my house and searched jt which was a huge shock to me. Luckily my DD was at her dads or I would not of been able to continue the relationship. I know people will say I should have ended it then but I felt for him and He promised to stop and I chose to support him as long as he got help. Things seemed to be good and I believed he had stopped using. We have just got a joint mortgage a few months ago but I’ve caught him multiple times… leaving bags of it in pockets, crumbs on the floor, him staying up late by himself. I’ve been so stupid and niave. I told him last week if I found anything again I would leave. I actually asked him to leave for a bit but he refused. My life is such a mess and I’m bringing another baby into this. This baby was not planned and my coil had fallen out without me knowing. I know I need to put my kids first but I have no where to go as I’m joint on mortgage. I’m on extended maternity leave and currently don’t contribute financially. I’m so lost. I work as a mental health nurse seeing addiction often. I thought I could support him and that we would be enough for him to stop but addiction comes first and makes them lie and manipulate situations. I honestly thought I was going mad imaging it all but it’s there in black and white. I don’t know why I’m posting I just needed to get it off my chest. I know I need to leave for my kids sake but where do I go? I’m so upset this has happened it’s meant to be happy time in my life having kids, getting a mortgage but I feel like I’m in a nightmare. Thanks for reading x

Now you know that his has probably been going on for a while and is still continuing - what are you going to do about it?

it seems that the signs have been there and you’ve missed them, no judgment. But now, you know the truth you need to act. If you don’t act and safeguard your children I’d imagine someone will.

What @IronNeonClasp said OP!
You can't hang around, you must get either him out or your children and yourself out asap because the possible consequences don't bear thinking about.
My STBXH became a cocaine addict and I was a mental health nurse many years ago. We were trained to try to help people with mental illnesses but addiction is different and also, he's your partner and children's father, NOT your patient! It's not your responsibility to "cure" him of this addiction. He's broken and women aren't made to be rehabs for broken men! Put your children first OP and also love yourself enough to call time on this. It's hard, you'll grieve but you'll heal like I am 7 months on and you won't regret it! The sheer peace of mind without a coke-head to deal with is more than worth it! Plus, your children will be safe, so long as you notify the police of his cocaine use around them. Harden your heart to him, or he will ruin your life1 Get all the help you need- try Women's Aid as well as CA and please do tell the police. He is unfit as a father, a danger to those poor children!

@greasypolemonkeyman no I haven't, but I worked with addicts in recovery and have several family members who are recovering heroin addicts. I stand corrected however as I don't have personal experience. In my experience of others, it certainly is possible to beat the addiction, and I do think the OPs partner should be giving it his all.

If he has drugs in the house, on his person , what would happen if you called the police? I would hand him over to the police to protect my children but I have zero experience of drug use, just know there’s endless problems when drug debt becomes a problem.
im so sorry, this must be a nightmare for you, he’s an irresponsible idiot.

I’ve left the house and I’m at my mums with the kids… I’m hoping he will stay away for a while until I can sort living’s arrangements out. All he’s ever wanted was a family unit and now he’s messed it all up. It’s so hard because ofcourse I love him but I can’t have my kids around it anymore.

You’ve absolutely done the right thing. You’ve sent a message to him about his behaviour. It’s up to him now to see what he can / will lose. Perhaps he will, perhaps he won’t. Also call WomensAid, Citizens Advice. DrugFam are amazing also. Keep us posted and well done for going to your Mums.

@IronNeonClasp thank you 🩷 I will phone all they places tomorrow once I’ve had a decent sleep. Part of me hopes he will realise what he can lose and get help but at this point I’m not holding out much hope. My mum has been great I just wish we could stay here for a while but it’s really cramped.

@Anom91 , well done. Not an easy step to take. But please make sure that you get more than assurances about the future before going back. It really sounds like this is a long standing problem so it'll probably take some time before he's ready to live as a family.

I see you know nothing about addiction @YesThatsATurdOnTheRug Cocaine is incredibly addictive. Don’t minimise it.

@TitusMoan if you look up a bit you'll see I've already accepted that.

"All he's ever wanted is a family unit"?????

Rubbish OP. All he really wants is cocaine.

I think it’s the worst kind as the user is SO secretive - like a personal relationship with it ensues - depending on the addiction. Full blown addiction is obsession, you will be gas lit to exhaustion, lies and deceit. Excuses and lies to your face, hiding in plain sight, it’s honestly enough to drive the person on the receiving end of this type of coke head to madness let alone the frustration.

When I finally cottoned on ex had relapsed and been using in my bathroom with my kids in rooms either side. Unforgivable. And personally I have really struggled with the aftermath, to repair with the emotional rollercoaster he took me on when he relapsed. It was horrendous - a full on traumatic nightmare for about 3 weeks (before everything came out) and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone (except for the people (family) who covered it all up and blamed me for it all). But you live and learn I guess. I honestly pray his family witness it for themselves one day. It’s absolutely soul destroying.

Please feel to PM me @Anom91 if you need to vent. Or anyone else that may be struggling with something similar 💐

Any update OP?

God I'm sorry OP, it's so hard, but you have no choice. You risk losing your children if there is already police involvement and you stay with him.

Yes, @Anom91 How's it going?

I'd be going to the police. He's funding organised crime.

i have posted previously about my partner re cocaine use. I’m ashamed to say I took him Back into the family (joint owned) home. I did weekly drug tests for a while and he has done really well in staying off it. However… he has became increasingly more agitated and verbally abusive. Telling me to F off, calling me names during conversations and just not being the stable family man we need. I don’t know why I’m posting I just need some advice. My mum isn’t very supportive she dosent do emotional chats so I fell very much alone in my thoughts. A big part of me wants to leave with the kids. I have a 12 y/o, 19 month old and 8 month old. Life has been so incredibly difficult lately but I love my kids more than anything and I know I should leave. He loves them too he, dotes on them but when he gets angry he is scary and so unpredictable. I’m a mess and I know what I need to do. I just can’t seem to take that step. Help x

i have posted previously about my partner re cocaine use. I’m ashamed to say I took him Back into the family (joint owned) home. I did weekly drug tests for a while and he has done really well in staying off it. However… he has became increasingly more agitated and verbally abusive. Telling me to F off, calling me names during conversations and just not being the stable family man we need. I don’t know why I’m posting I just need some advice. My mum isn’t very supportive she dosent do emotional chats so I fell very much alone in my thoughts. A big part of me wants to leave with the kids. I have a 12 y/o, 19 month old and 8 month old. Life has been so incredibly difficult lately but I love my kids more than anything and I know I should leave. He loves them too he, dotes on them but when he gets angry he is scary and so unpredictable. I’m a mess and I know what I need to do. I just can’t seem to take that step. Help x

Get him out again. They will be so damaged by him.

I know but it’s easier said than done. He joint owns the home. I have 2 babies and a 12 y/o. We don’t argue I front of them but I do know the impact it will be having on them as I experienced it myself and I really don’t want that for them. I went to the council but because I’m on the deeds I am not eligible for homeless accommodation. I need to rent and come up with 1 month rents in advance ans deposit. I’m a nurse and don’t earn the best wage. He calls me names when he argues with me then the next day apologises but dosent take responsibility almost turns it round s on me. I’ve done so much for him/ his parents died he has no one except us.

You are not responsible for him having nobody and it doesn't make his behaviour any better.

I know how hard it is, I know you feel like you don't have the strength to get up and walk away. But I promise you that you do. Put your children's interests above all else and leave him. You do not deserve to be called names. You do not deserve a temper. You deserve better. Leave.

Thank you, I know I need to leave for all our sakes x

Anyway police came to my house and searched jt which was a huge shock to me.

No, it is not shock to you, you know exactly what is happening in your own home.

You have children? God help them.

Have a read what is happening to the country of Mexico.

Idiot.

Mexico's missing students: Families to search 'until the last beat of my heart' (bbc.com)

Do not call me an idiot. You don’t know me or my story. My kids are very well looked after by me. I threw him out. The drugs thing was years ago. I k ow I’m an idiot for forgiving him and believing he can change and he did for some time. My foot is out the door I’m going to view houses next week it’s just hard as I threw hill out but he refuses to pay for the house which is joint mortgage ans somewhere else. He’s an amazing dad when he’s here but he’s made a hell of a lot mistakes and treating me badly will end up with them having trauma I know! I just need to get some funds together and get out… I don’t want to go into a hostel with my 3 kids

Feel so sorry for your children.