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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dragged by husband

58 replies

notanothernamechange12 · 01/01/2024 20:16

So not to drip feed I will i clude full story but short version is husband physically dragged me out if bed this morning after screaming at me and trying to push me out of bed. He also did this weird squeexing thing before that as was clearly angry at me. I'm left feeling really confused about it all as we have been together a decade and nothing like this has happened before

It was meant to be my turn to get up but I am on new medication which kept me up most of the night so I said I needed him to get up with the two kids. He felt this was unfair and got angry when I basically refused

We are both tired after a very challenging year with older child and new baby I only had two weeks mat leave so he has had to do a lot more with this baby than our first we have a equal split of most childcare and house stuff so dont know if this was just him at the end of his tether

We haven't spoken about it at all and only spoken today about kids when needed and mostly avoided each other

OP posts:
SacreBleugh · 02/01/2024 06:15

This is very very troubling @notanothernamechange12 Please don't let it lie for a quiet life because it will happen again. I hope you come back today to update us. MN is a mad place sometimes but I have often seen very good supportive advice for women going through domestic violence.

Barbarella73 · 02/01/2024 06:20

The fact that he clearly believes he hasn’t done anything wrong is very concerning. Most people would be mortified if they’d lost control to the extent that they’d been violent and intimidating to their partner. This guy got into bed last night as if everything was ‘normal’, as if he hadn’t physically assaulted OP.

OP please, please report this to the police. He will do this again.

Snowdogsmitten · 02/01/2024 06:46

notanothernamechange12 · 01/01/2024 21:44

I just asked him if he would sleep on the couch and he said "why" I said you know why" then he just got into bed so I am going to sleep downstairs. He is pretending nothing has happened

It’s not your fault.

Do not let him pretend this never happened.

He assaulted you. Because your medication meant that he needed to parent his own children.

Instead of being sad for his wife who’s been up all night and is struggling on medication, he physically tried to hurt her, push her out of bed and resorted to dragging her out.

That is totally fucked up.

Zanatdy · 02/01/2024 07:05

This is awful OP - I’d be ending the relationship. The fact he’s not even acknowledged it or apologised is disgusting

CrunchyCarrot · 02/01/2024 07:09

Absolutely 1000% not your fault, OP!! He has behaved appallingly, and now isn't even acknowledging what he did! He may even deny it later and gaslight you. Even if he is at the end of his tether he has no right to do that to you, it's just plain wrong and shows no consideration for you.

PaminaMozart · 02/01/2024 07:12

He is pretending that he did nothing wrong. He is trying to normalise domestic violence. So that next time - and there will be a next time! - you won't make a fuss. And so it will continue. Unless you leave. Now.

RedHelenB · 02/01/2024 07:12

notanothernamechange12 · 01/01/2024 21:44

I just asked him if he would sleep on the couch and he said "why" I said you know why" then he just got into bed so I am going to sleep downstairs. He is pretending nothing has happened

You need to have a proper conversation about it. And if you feel that you can't then that says a lot about your relationship.

AuContraire · 02/01/2024 07:20

I hope he's pretending it didn't happen because he's utterly ashamed of himself.

Therollinghills · 02/01/2024 07:22

PaminaMozart · 02/01/2024 07:12

He is pretending that he did nothing wrong. He is trying to normalise domestic violence. So that next time - and there will be a next time! - you won't make a fuss. And so it will continue. Unless you leave. Now.

Yes exactly this. My ex attacked me in a similar manner/circumstances and just pretended nothing had happened. When I tried to talk about it he would say I don't know what you're talking about, I've done nothing wrong. You're the one that did X (things he had done). It's taken a further year to leave him because I was so confused about what had happened and questioning myself as to whether it had actually been that bad. He didn't hurt me again but I really modified my behaviour because I was always scared that would be the outcome if we argued or I challenged him, so for him it worked well.
If you stay you will always have this incident in the back of your mind and you will be subconsciously if not consciously careful not to do or say anything similar that might trigger this behaviour again. If he won't even discuss it or admit his actions were wrong it's a total non starter.

Nicole1111 · 02/01/2024 07:46

This is domestic abuse and regardless of whether it’s happened before, what you were doing at the time it is always inexcusable. The fact he’s not acknowledged it and doesn’t see why he should leave the bed speaks volumes about his willingness to accept responsibility and levels of remorse (which seem non existent). Now it’s happened once there is a much higher chance of it happening again. I’d think very carefully about your next steps.

AnneValentine · 02/01/2024 07:48

AuContraire · 02/01/2024 07:20

I hope he's pretending it didn't happen because he's utterly ashamed of himself.

That’s a dangerous assumption. I think it’s far more likely he thinks it was justified.

Original poster
notanothernamechange12 · 02/01/2024 09:49

Thanks everyone he has gone back to work today and I am at home with the kids and start work once they are in bed so not sure when I will get a chance to talk to him, feel confused about what to do still

OP posts:
Shiningout · 02/01/2024 09:54

It's not just the incident (which is awful) but also his reactions and behaviour following. If he was really remorseful and horrified at what he'd done on reflection then it might be something you can work through as long as he never put his hands on you again and got help. But this behaviour is very concerning, and I'd be worried about if the children ever piss him off or anger him as he'll probably be violent with them too.

kayla12345 · 02/01/2024 09:57

I would call the police OP. Absolutely disgusting behaviour

Venturini · 02/01/2024 10:22

He assaulted you. It will happen again. You need to protect yourself and your children. He is not a good man. Please tell a friend or relative and get help asap.

MumHereAgain2023 · 02/01/2024 10:28

This is not regardless of why you didn't get up. Him ignoring and minimising is not on either. Can you take kids and go somewhere? Family ? Friends? Anything to get some space?

thedementedelf · 02/01/2024 10:30

He's resentful he has to parent the children he made.

He does not respect you.

He assaulted you.

You are now in a domestic violent relationship.

Phone the police and leave this abusive prick.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 02/01/2024 10:34

Now he knows he can assault you without police involvement he’ll do it again.

SusanSHelit · 02/01/2024 10:53

Op please please listen to all of these wise women.

I left my abusive ex a couple of years ago and I only wish I'd done it much sooner.

It started with shit like this when ds was small, being pushed and dragged out of bed because I was too exhausted to move because I was unwell

It escalated to him fucking about with kitchen knives, dragging me into the garden at 1am in the morning trying to 'teach me karate'.

He would hide and break my things, belittle me and brú it all off as normal.

I left the morning after he threw my purse and keys outside, threw my work bag with my coursework in it across the room and dragged me across the room by my throat.

These men don't change, they only get worse.

It's hard, and scary and utterly heartbreak leaving, because they aren't shits all the time. But you deserve to live in peace with only people who love and respect you and this man does neither

LoseMeLikeAnArrow · 02/01/2024 11:39

If you feel that calling the police is too big a step right now (you are confused, so it's understandable) perhaps you can call Women's Aid or a local domestic abuse unit just for a chat.

As previous posters have said, he thinks his behaviour has no consequences and is more likely to do it again. If you tell him you have consulted with professional domestic abuse charities, he will know (or at least think) that he is now on the radar as an abuser. If that is not a wake-up call for him and he doesn't do everything in his power to seek help, then you know that he is OK with being an abuser and it definitely will happen again.

Wishing you strength 🙏

perfectcolourfound · 02/01/2024 12:49

I don't understand your logic that, because this hasn't happened before, it must be your fault? How does that work?

There is NEVER a good reason for being physical with someone. If he'd been immediately contrite, and agreed to discuss it, that would lessen my concern, but it's worrying that he's now pretending it didn't happen. Don't let him sweep it under the carpet.

PaminaMozart · 02/01/2024 12:59

It is understandable that you feel overwhelmed and confused.

But please, at the very least, do one - or preferably both - of the following:

  • call Women's Aid
  • read WHY DOES HE DO THAT by Lundy Bancroft. It can be found free online.
Original poster
notanothernamechange12 · 02/01/2024 19:32

I confronted him about acting like nothing happened and he said he is sorry and he lost his temper and is ashamed. I then said to him that I can't talk about it any more right now as don't know how I feel

OP posts:
Original poster
notanothernamechange12 · 02/01/2024 19:58

PaminaMozart · 02/01/2024 12:59

It is understandable that you feel overwhelmed and confused.

But please, at the very least, do one - or preferably both - of the following:

  • call Women's Aid
  • read WHY DOES HE DO THAT by Lundy Bancroft. It can be found free online.

I looked at excerpts of the book and don't feel like he matches any of the types?

OP posts:
WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive · 02/01/2024 20:09

I have been very close to doing this in almost exact scenario. I was at the end of tether with DH and I felt utter hatred for him in the moment. I actually ended up throwing a pillow at him and storming off. It's not acceptable at all but i can safely say, this was a build up and not just down to one incident where he refused to get up.

Maybe have a chat with DH and find out what's going on/ issues.

-I just want to add, I think your husbands actions were absolutely unacceptable and I'm sorry he did that to you.