Should I tell husband I’m tempted by affair?

[Confused2023and2024]

I’ve been talking to my husband about being unhappy for some time now. I want to separate but he is devastated and wants to know what’s wrong. The truth is that I was tempted to have an affair twice over the last year (I didn’t) and the fact I came close tells
me that I need to leave him before I step over any lines which would be so unfair to him.

He’s desperate to make me happy- should I tell him I’ve been tempted by other people? It would break his heart but all the time I don’t tell him he’s in the dark and begging to know what’s wrong.

i don’t know what to do to be kindest 😢

Why don’t you just leave?

@ElevenSeven because we have two kids and I really want to make it work for them. But I feel like I’m lying to him and we won’t be able to work it out if he doesn’t know the truth about what’s wrong.

But WHY were you tempted? What is lacking in your relationship, or seemed more appealing about the other people? This is the relevant information here which is potentially worth discussing with your husband, particularly if it's something you/he can work on.

The fact that you were considering an affair doesn't neccesarily need to be shared IMO, but the motivation behind it might

No I wouldn't tell him that, I'd just let him have his dignity and I'd leave.

Does fancying someone else mean you don't fancy your DH anymore?
What came first? The unhappiness with your DH or the 'nearly affairs' ?

You need to untangle why you were tempted elsewhere. Do you find your husband attractive? Is your sex life satisfactory? Are you supported in your daily life and goals?

Only when you can answer these questions can you work out why you're thinking about greener grass

I’m in a similar situation except I have stepped over the line and am having an affair. It’s difficult and I sympathise.

My excuse is that dh is abusive in several ways and I’m pretty sure has cheated on me in the past.

I don’t leave because I’m a sahm who hasn’t worked for a very long time and due to dh being financially abusive I have no money of my own.

So upon meeting a lovely guy who treats me like he adores me and whom I can actually talk to, I succumbed to temptation and tbh I don’t feel particularly guilty.

Would it be feasible for you to divorce him op? If I was financially independent I doubt I’d be with dh.

No, don't tell him this. Say you want different things.

But you don’t want it to work. You want to separate.

So just separate. If that’s what you want and you think telling him you keep nearly having affairs (which means you already crossed a line) is going to hurt him, why tell him?

Sounds like you actually want him to be the one that decides he wants to separate so you can say it was his choice.

Thanks all. Essentially I never really fancied him as such- I ‘settled’ for a nice kind man but we are totally different, I am not attracted to him and he bores me. I thought him being a lovely kind person would be enough.

So now I am in the position where I have to choose between breaking up my family, and spending years tempted by someone else.

You want excitement you’re not getting at home. No one’s fault.

Work on your marriage, there are all sorts you could do to make it more exciting and spicy!!

Dont have an affair and don’t tell your poor husband that. ‘Happy New Year, btw I was thinking about having an affair’. Poor man

I feel like you'd be telling him to shock him into action or something. Is that fair comment?

Otherwise I don't know why you'd tell him because you didn't have an affair.

I do think you're right in questioning why you were tempted though. What is missing and what do you need from your relationship?

Finally, please don't stay together for the children, that's just miserable for everyone.

Why would you hurt someone that way, just tell him you’re leaving! Just go stop playing kind games and leave.

Mind games*

In which case, in the long run the kindest thing you can do is leave him.

He deserves to have someone who doesn’t think they settled for him. That is attracted to him and likes him.If you cared for him at all you would know he doesn’t deserve to be with someone who never really wanted him.

What do you mean by he is ‘kind’?

If you never fancied him, what is there to salvage? I normally suggest couples counselling in this sort of situation, but if you never had the hots for him in the first place over him being kind, then it feels like separation is the best. It'll be painful, but you're right, you'll cross a line if you continue with the status quo.

All the best.

Is there actually another man in the picture or is this your own internal struggle for control that you are turning into 'my DH is boring'.

You sound like you'll be waiting to overlap with some other guy to make sure you are not on your own.

But I feel like I’m lying to him and we won’t be able to work it out if he doesn’t know the truth about what’s wrong.

How can you work it out if you're not attracted to him and never were and he bores you?

So you married someone and are basically using them. Emotionally at least. And now people have come along and tick different boxes.

Do NOT tell him.
But leave him. Say what you said here minus the sex stuff.

This ^^ , the bloke deserves someone who doesn’t think he is boring

No I wouldn’t tell him that - I would though think about why I was nearly tempted and possibly discuss that instead! However I don’t think there isn’t anything he can do to make it right if you ‘settled’ and he bores you. The right thing to do is probably leave and let him find someone who isn’t settling.

In fairness to the OP, sometimes these men go out of their way to try to convince women to give them a chance even though the woman says he's not her type or she doesn't feel the spark etc.

My ex was like that, but incredibly psychologically manipulative along with it, threatening suicide etc. and then wondered why I didn't want to have sex with him later on in the relationship after the trauma had set in and it was unbearable!

But since then I've had numerous men I'm not attracted to still try to get me to 'give them a chance' even when I said there's no spark/no attraction. It's very common. A lot of men don't actually care whether you're attracted to them initially or not as long as they can win you over, later on in the relationship it tends to become more of an issue though.

Honestly if not completely heartless reply

you need to leave he’ll be jumping through hoops trying to build a future and you aren’t interested

Oh give over. Op says she always knew she didn’t fancy him. Op was an adult. She chose to marry him.

wether he tried to win her over or not, it was her choice.

and of course he doesn’t want his marriage to end. Who does if they still love their partner?

Anyone who still love me their partner will try and find out what’s wrong and how it can be fixed.

and where does she said he threatened to commit suicide.

Affairs are usually a result of unmet needs. From the sound of it, when you decided to settle for nice & kind (which frankly are worth a hell of a lot), you assumed those things would compensate for all the other elements of a fulfilling relationship (sexual attraction, shared interests, humour, general compatibility, etc). But married life is a long road, and if the foundations weren’t really there to start with, it’s very difficult to spend your whole life suppressing the desire for something brighter and better. Whether you ever manage to find that is a whole other question, but it does sound like you need to call it a day.

Unless you’re thinking there might be an option to open up the marriage (which seems like a frying-pan-to-fire scenario), there’s no need to tell him you want to fuck other people, that’s unnecessarily cruel. But you do need to be clear about the fact that you’re irretrievably unhappy, you don’t see a future together and you want to start planning a way to achieve separation in the least damaging way for your family.