Should I tell husband I’m tempted by affair?

[Confused2023and2024]

I’ve been talking to my husband about being unhappy for some time now. I want to separate but he is devastated and wants to know what’s wrong. The truth is that I was tempted to have an affair twice over the last year (I didn’t) and the fact I came close tells
me that I need to leave him before I step over any lines which would be so unfair to him.

He’s desperate to make me happy- should I tell him I’ve been tempted by other people? It would break his heart but all the time I don’t tell him he’s in the dark and begging to know what’s wrong.

i don’t know what to do to be kindest 😢

If you've never fancied him then you've been leading him on since the day you met.

So yes, you should tell him, so that he understands that there's no point trying to win you back, because you've been lying to him since the get go.

And then have the bloody guts to leave the poor man.

My point is that someone not fancying their partner doesn't mean that they were using them or deceiving them.

I didn't say her partner threatened suicide, but that mine did.....but that aside from that I know lots of men who go out of their way to talk women into relationships even though the woman is hesitant and is honest from the start about the lack of attraction, but the man thinks they can make it work anyway....but this tends to be the result after some years have passed.

It this isn’t about you and your ex partner.

If women are dating and marrying men they don’t fancy. Thats their choice. But the consequences are there’s too.

Op was deceiving him or are you suggesting she told him she didn’t fancy him at the start? Told him she thought he was a bit of a bore?

I agree.

His relationship with you has been a huge lie, unless you are currenty re- writing history to suit your narrative.

Tell him, he can then have the sense of purpose not to hold any hope for the future of your relationship and he would know if you returned it would be for purely selfish reasons.
He really could go ahead then with the full facts of the situation and maybe meet someone who appreciates him, fancies him and doesn't lie.

The truth would be better.

Be careful though you could end up in a similar situation but you being the injured used party, just like your husband.

Your options are you carry on settling or you leave. Sounds like the kindest thing to do is leave, by staying you are giving him false hope. I wouldn’t mention the temptation as that will only cause unnecessary hurt. Just be honest you don’t find him attractive and feel like your settling… yes that’s also not nice to hear but from what you’ve said it’s the truth

It's not just about me and my ex though, lots and lots of men do this, try to convince women who don't fancy them to be in relationships with them and then it's all the womens fault.

I'm saying there's a high chance if she wasn't attracted to him and found him boring that she told him there was no spark or he wasn't her type but that he tried to win her over, because I've seen that happen so many times. It's far more rare that women will go for those kinds of relationships without the man really really pushing for it and trying to convince her that it will all work and to give him a chance.

I do not think u need to tell him.he bores u or that u never fancied him. While this is the truth, it will not achieve anything apart from.crush him.
I certainly would not tell him you have been tempted to have an affair either

The novelty of novelty sex wears off surprisingly quickly.

I would strongly urge you to stop looking at other men whilst you do some real soul-searching about whether you want to stay in your marriage or not.

Perhaps some counselling (for you, not relationship) would be useful.

Trying to line up your next shag certainly isn’t.

To echo what has been said I think you really need to ask yourself why you are tempted by other men.

Also, why did you choose to settle? What are your whys for being with him? There must be something? And when you did settle - what was missing at the time that you can bring in now.

Fair enough, you don’t fancy him but surely there was something you found attractive about him when you got with him - even if it was his kindness.

It sounds like there has been a few things brewing and I think you need to dig deeper than “i was never attracted to him”.

I know people are as icing you to leave but he at least deserves a conversation and I think you also deserve to unravel how you have got yourself here - even if it’s just to not repeat it with the next man.

If you really want to make it work, then I'd focus on that and not say anything that you were tempted to have an affair. But I'd definitely explore what is wrong and why he's making you so unhappy?

Lots of men do it. But the women marrying them knowing they don’t fancy them, are ‘doing it’ as well:

Your ex is irrelevant because that involved emotional abuse which op hasn’t hinted at. So bringing up what you ex did is irrelevant.

How do you know there’s a high chance she told him there was no spark? Because you seem to think women are wildly forced into marry men they don’t fancy because the man asked them to?

It’s not rare for women to pick the safe and kind option and then later regret it. And also not be upfront about it. It’s the second thread I have seen today where it was really obvious the woman didn’t really find the man and their personality attractive from the beginning. And the other one issued ultimatums and packed their things to get him to propose. But is angry and fed up with him for showing the same personality traits he did before they got married.

I have seen it loads in real life. And there loads of threads on MN about it.

You are putting assumptions in based on your experience with your ex. Which sounds horrific. But not relevant.

My sympathy is with your DH. Tell him its over and leave, without grinding him into the dust by telling him you simply never fancied him physically and never loved him. Try and do the right thing by him and do not only think of yourself.

I think it really depends on what your intentions are. If you genuinely want to make things work with him then yes I'd tell him but I'd do it gently and I'd try to refocus the energy you're investing in your crushes into your marriage and try to start to date each other again.

If you know you're definitely going to leave him, then I wouldn't tell him but I'd just leave him. Why would you feel the need to hurt him further?

How would you react if this was reversed? Would you like it if your husband said he was unhappy, but that you'd tried to make him happy? How would you feel if he said he's been tempted to have sex with other women because you're a nice (but boring) person, and that he's not attracted to you? You sound incredibly unkind and selfish.

Just leave him. You're being cruel and a wimp at the same time. Why on earth would you even consider telling him you're tempted by other men? He knows you want to leave. He's desperate to win you over. Maybe you're enjoying watching him beg?

Yes but then the women are made to feel like they're horrible people who have been users all along and treated the man appallingly and he deserves better and she's just an awful person and blah blah.

And coming from the perspective of "I've been a terrible person" isn't the best place to come from in these situations because often there's a lot of self flagellation which often makes the person continue in the relationship trying to make it work to make up for what they've apparently done wrong. It just causes more pain and wastes more time.

I agree I'm putting my own assumptions there but it's not just because of my ex, I've had plenty of other men try to convince me and know many other women who have had men who do that too. It's not an uncommon phenomenon.

At the end of the day, whatever way it started it did start but it hasn't worked, and the OP can't stay with him trying to make it work because she feels bad for him because he's devastated or for the kids.

I wouldnt tell him. Simply because telling him wouldn’t explain WHY you have enough but it would be very hurtful.

You need to dig deeper, for your own sake really. So you actually know what’s not working for you - and dint make the same mistake again.
Being kind is a real important quality.
And being different can actually help avoid boredom if both parties are ready to open up to the other person interests.

So have think
do you share the same values
do you have the same aspirations for the future
what excites you and makes you happy? Do you do some of that now?
what do you expect from your partner?

Because yes having an affair or being attracted by someone else is always exciting at first. Very good at stroking your ego too.
But it’s rarely fulfilling because it’s very unlikely to sudden,y fill the gap you are feeling just now.

If you marry someone you don’t really like because they are dependable and aren’t upfront, you are being horrible to that person.

Op clearly stated she wants to separate. Then said she didn’t. Then admitted she never really fancied him and find him boring. And is tempted to cheat. If you got close to cheating you have likely already crossed a line. She isn’t treating him well.

and you saying ‘well men often do xyz so it’s probably his fault’ doesn’t make it true. Op didn’t have to marry him. Op could separate from her dh. She could have done it a year ago. Or at any point because she has always known she didn’t really like him. She can’t even decide on this thread if she wants to, despite not even liking him. He doesn’t need to agree to a separation. She can do it herself.

Those are her decisions and her decisions led her here.

At the end of the day, whatever way it started it did start but it hasn't worked, and the OP can't stay with him trying to make it work because she feels bad for him because he's devastated or for the kids.

Fully agree there.
But the OP needs to have clarity on what it is she’d like instead and why her current DP doesn’t work for her. She needs to know fir herself (so she doesn’t end a marriage on a whim AND because she doesn’t want to do a repeat of the situation she is in). She needs to know to be able to give some basic explanation to her DP, more than ‘I’ve fancied another man so our marriage is dead’ which would be crazy (many men or women have infatuations or fell attracted to someone else Wo it being the sign their marriage is dead)

I did have the affair, and then left. My ex found out before I managed to leave, although I had intended to go anyway. In some ways it made it easier, it meant I had to follow through even when it got rough. However, it was a horrible thing for him to go through, it would have been better to have left when I was tempted to cheat.

@Workingtomorrow and all those things are gone. There is nothing anyone can do to change them. And starting to blame one person over the itger isn’t not helpful.
Not to the OP, nor the the DH.

A separation, esp in that case, should not be about blame.
But about acknowledging things dint work anymore. About being able to communicate around that (esp as they have children). And about doing so in a way that doesn’t unduly hurt people.

Unfortunately a lot of the time we can't fully understand things or have clarity until we're actually out of the situation and have had some breathing space so it can be very difficult, especially when you're feeling guilt and dealing with devastation from your partner, worrying about the kids and all of those other emotions to be able to really understand things properly.

Definitely agree that she needs to give him some basic explanation, but I suppose it's about finding a way to explain it without it completely destroying him.

I disagree because there can be a hell of a lot more emotions and history and different dynamics in the relationship aside from just "I think he's dependable". There's often still love and friendship and genuinely caring about the person.

She said she wanted to separate but she said he's devastated. I've seen many, many threads on here over the years with people who try to have the talk about separation and it's met with devastation and then the person won't/can't/doesn't push it out of guilt or again lots of other emotions etc that go along with it.

It's all very well saying she doesn't need him to agree to a separation but I have friends in this position and it's been a nightmare for them because they have nowhere to go with the kids and the man won't move out so the home environment is now an absolute nightmare.

She made decision. He made decisions. And they are where they are!

Can you go on holiday with him? Date nights. Etc.

He's wonderful. You will regret it. Make it work.