Should I tell husband I’m tempted by affair?

[Confused2023and2024]

I’ve been talking to my husband about being unhappy for some time now. I want to separate but he is devastated and wants to know what’s wrong. The truth is that I was tempted to have an affair twice over the last year (I didn’t) and the fact I came close tells
me that I need to leave him before I step over any lines which would be so unfair to him.

He’s desperate to make me happy- should I tell him I’ve been tempted by other people? It would break his heart but all the time I don’t tell him he’s in the dark and begging to know what’s wrong.

i don’t know what to do to be kindest 😢

What are you hoping to achieve by telling him? He’s not going to give you a hall pass.

Him knowing that you have been “tempted” isn’t going to make you fancy him more.

I imagine that telling him you fancy other people would be less heartbreaking than the truth. The poor guy.

No of course not

But defo leave for his sake

Why tell him? You’ve already said you don’t fancy him so telling him you’ve found others attractive and almost cheated is going to achieve what? Make him feel even worse about the fact his wife doesn’t find him attractive? You need to leave, you’re not suddenly going to find him attractive when you never have. It never works out when you get with a nice guy but don’t have that spark. I’ve been there and it all ends in tears

You being tempted by other men or a specific man is the symptom not the problem. Why on earth would you think that telling him of your temptation would help? Tell him a kinder version of the truth, you are very different people and you can no longer see the gap being bridged, it’s you not him.

You will end up crossing a line if you don’t take decisive action.

Are you definitely leaving the relationship or do you want to try and fix it?

If definitely leaving I would not tell him I would just end the relationship. Seems unnecessary hurtful to tell him.

If you want to try and fix the relationship I would admit the temptation and the reasons why that temptation happened (lack of sex, lack of connection, doesn't make you feel desirable or whatever that is) so that those reasons can be addressed.

Confused2023and2024 · Yesterday 19:24

Thanks all. Essentially I never really fancied him as such- I ‘settled’ for a nice kind man but we are totally different, I am not attracted to him and he bores me. I thought him being a lovely kind person would be enough”

That was a shitty thing to do.
Leave him now so he can move on with his life.

Been in this situation.
bit of context, I met my OH 11 years ago and we had always got on and I ended a relationship to be with him effectively. He was everything my ex wasn’t, stable, mature, responsible but we also had a deep connection.
He is 12 years older than me which wasn’t an issue to begin with but as he has got older, a gulf did appear. I’m 37 now and don’t necessarily feel like I’m almost 40 but he is happy to just stay in and watch quizzes and stuff whereas I miss going to gigs and stuff. I barely see my friends etc. I’m basically a Mum and a roommate.
i caught him messaging my mums friend last February and I left our home but went back because I felt so guilty to our daughter.
prior to this, I met a guy who I have such an amazing connection with who has been in and out of my life for 4 years.
cut a long story short, if I was truly happy, why would I be messaging another guy?
likewise, if he was truly happy, why did he message another woman.
he blamed our sex life (or lack of).
for me, I feel like I’m too old for my time already and that I have missed out on so much living.
our daughter is amazing and I don’t regret her in the slightest, without her I would be nothing but I always feel unfulfilled.
I’ve had therapy myself but the reality is, happy people don’t want to cheat.