Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

My head is all over worried sick

64 replies

downinthedumps82 · 31/12/2023 22:57

I've been dating a guy for 5 months. He is a very nice guy. Almost too nice. Last month he's been doing things I don't like.

I have previously posted about him lying about taking coke. He said he's never don't it around me but I don't believe it.

I've previously been in an emotional abusive relationship for 4 years. He utterly destroyed me.

I'm in a much better place but this new guy have manipulated me gas lighting and lying in the last month. So before it gets worse I ended it but he completely lost it went on a binge of alcohol said he had drank a full botttle of vodka straight larger and whisky saying he was going to kill him self. . I was begging him to stop. And the vulnerable side let him talk me back around to giving it another go. It's been a few days and I've ended it for good. He's accepted it but begging me to meet up tomorrow. I've said I will be he won't talk me around.

I've ended it on the emotional blackmail. He's saying to me he's not toxic and it's just because he loves me.

I thinking I'm just posting this to talk about it, I'm really struggling feel like a shitty person doing this over Christmas and new year. But I've ignored my gut and this time around and early on I recognise it's unhealthy

OP posts:

Original poster

downinthedumps82 · 31/12/2023 22:57

I'm scared he's going to hurt him self or go in to self destruct

OP posts:

Doggymummar · 31/12/2023 22:58

It's not your job to save him. Block him and ignore him.

junebirthdaygirl · 31/12/2023 23:00

Run a mile. And if he threatens suicide call a family member if you know them or the police and leave him off. Its not your responsibility. This man is huge trouble and will bring you down with him.
You will need to be tough to save yourself.

Original poster

downinthedumps82 · 31/12/2023 23:09

Yeah that's why I've ended it. I ended it in person the other day but this time I've rang him because I couldn't deal with the begging.

OP posts:

Simbaonedaythiswillallbeyours · 31/12/2023 23:15

Women are not rehabs for broken men.

Grimchmas · 31/12/2023 23:17

Please block him on all channels.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/12/2023 23:20

Block him every way possible and don't ever, EVER speak to him again. He is nothing more than yet another garden variety loser, manipulator and abuser.

MsDogLady · 31/12/2023 23:21

@downinthedumps82, you’ve gone from one EA relationship to another, but the good thing is you’ve realized that early on. He’s a lying cocaine user and binge drinker who manipulates you by threatening self-harm when he doesn’t get his way. He is not a nice guy at all — he’s an abuser.

You’ve ended things for good, so leave it there. You’ll be doing yourself a great disservice if you meet with him again. You’re not his therapist or rehab center, so strengthen your boundaries to his begging. Call the police if he continues his threats.

Original poster

downinthedumps82 · 31/12/2023 23:21

When I said it's emotional blackmail what he did with the booze he's saying I have him all wrong 😑.

I just feel like a shitty person doing it on NYE 😞

OP posts:

BayCityCoaster · 31/12/2023 23:22

Threatening suicide is the oldest manipulation tactic in the book.

He won’t go through with it - cast iron guarantee. And even if he did (he won’t), that’s his choice and nothing to do with you.

Good on you for not only seeing the red flags, but acting on them.

Block, block, block.

AuntMarch · 31/12/2023 23:23

He is not "a very nice guy", he's a manipulative prick
I've been there, I know how it feels in the moment. If he says it this time just ring his mum/mate/police and free yourself of the responsibility that wasn't yours in the first place.

BayCityCoaster · 31/12/2023 23:24

You’re not a shitty person. Do not fall down this trap.

You’re not.

Do not meet up with him.

Block him and have nothing more to do with him.

You’re more important than him - prioritise you.

Original poster

downinthedumps82 · 31/12/2023 23:25

My dad committed suicide it's a massive trigger for me my ex did the same I end up panicking. I've had EMDR and counselling and still having it. I will get there.

I just feel silly he seemed really different then little cracks have shown. I think it's taking 5 months because we only seen each other once / twice a week.

I'm going to be single now clearly wasn't ready to date again 😞

OP posts:

determinedtomakethiswork · 31/12/2023 23:32

I'm so sorry about your dad and your ex, but I wonder whether you had told the guy about them and he is now using those awful times to make you panic and forgive him. He sounds absolutely awful and it sounds to me as though he could return to be nice for awhile, but he couldn't carry on with it. This is really common.

There is absolutely no point in meeting up with him. He will try to persuade you to continue to see him and you may well end up relenting. Far better send a message in the morning saying I've had a think about it and there's no point in this meeting because I don't want us to be together anymore. You will have to spell it out. Believe me an hour later he'll be on the dating sites. Don't waste your time feeling sorry for him. You've been really brave particularly with his talk about suicide which must be very triggering for you. 💐

Original poster

downinthedumps82 · 31/12/2023 23:35

Sorry I wrote that wrong my dad killed him self but my ex use to say he was going to end his life if I didn't get back with him. Sorry I worded that wrong.

I know I've had lots of counselling for it all my dad and abusive relationship. It really triggers when some one threatens that

OP posts:

MsDogLady · 31/12/2023 23:37

You don’t have him all wrong. He was threatening to hurt himself to force you into backing down. He’s a controller and abuser, so you need to cut this dead by blocking him. You must prioritize safeguarding yourself, and it being NYE should not be a factor.

hellsBells246 · 31/12/2023 23:40

downinthedumps82 · 31/12/2023 22:57

I'm scared he's going to hurt him self or go in to self destruct

He's manipulating you. This is a very new relationship and he's showing massive red flags already. It's not your job to fix a broken man. He's not a project.

Dump and move on.

hellsBells246 · 31/12/2023 23:41

He's really shitty to use the threat of suicide, because of your dad. I'm so sorry you went through that, it sounds very hard. Maybe some more counselling would help? 💐

Tilllly · 31/12/2023 23:44

@Aquamarine1029 @MsDogLady and others have given you some great, straightforward advice

You have done absolutely amazing to walk away from this loser
Compared to your ex, you're so much stronger and wiser now, I'm in awe at how you've recognised who he is and been able to turn your back
💪🏻 👏🏻 💪🏻

Go into 2024 single and strong

Original poster

downinthedumps82 · 31/12/2023 23:45

I know thank you I don't want a project. I want a normal non manipulative person and be happy. Feel like a bit of a failure it took me 5 months to figure it out. When I look back I've had gut feelings 😞

OP posts:

Bestyearever2024 · 31/12/2023 23:46

Please, please block him everywhere

Should he somehow get through to you and threaten suicide, ring the police, give them his number, and leave it there

Do not meet him. Do not get sucked in to these awful men and their vile manipulation

Jamjaris · 31/12/2023 23:47

Message him and say you won’t be meeting him as you don’t have anything more to say to him and block him on everything.
You don’t owe him anymore explanations nor are you responsible for him being a see you next Tuesday.
Block delete and pay yourself on the back, you got this

Original poster

downinthedumps82 · 31/12/2023 23:47

@Tilllly thank you and to all of you that made me tear up.

The abusive relationship I came out of I think the guy was narcissist because he ended it with me in the cruelest way got back with his ex. Dumped me over and over and 8 months later came bk begging me to take him back. And it's took me every thing not too.

Probably wasn't ready to start dating again

OP posts:

Nicole1111 · 31/12/2023 23:51

Have you done the freedom programme yet?

LakeTiticaca · 31/12/2023 23:52

Keep strong and DONT let him try and emotionally blackmail you. He isn't your problem

Flip

1 2 3