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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My head is all over worried sick

64 replies

downinthedumps82 · 31/12/2023 22:57

I've been dating a guy for 5 months. He is a very nice guy. Almost too nice. Last month he's been doing things I don't like.

I have previously posted about him lying about taking coke. He said he's never don't it around me but I don't believe it.

I've previously been in an emotional abusive relationship for 4 years. He utterly destroyed me.

I'm in a much better place but this new guy have manipulated me gas lighting and lying in the last month. So before it gets worse I ended it but he completely lost it went on a binge of alcohol said he had drank a full botttle of vodka straight larger and whisky saying he was going to kill him self. . I was begging him to stop. And the vulnerable side let him talk me back around to giving it another go. It's been a few days and I've ended it for good. He's accepted it but begging me to meet up tomorrow. I've said I will be he won't talk me around.

I've ended it on the emotional blackmail. He's saying to me he's not toxic and it's just because he loves me.

I thinking I'm just posting this to talk about it, I'm really struggling feel like a shitty person doing this over Christmas and new year. But I've ignored my gut and this time around and early on I recognise it's unhealthy

OP posts:
Original poster
downinthedumps82 · 31/12/2023 23:53

No I haven't done that programme I have been doing that Caroline strawson course. All about abusive relationships and the nervous system x

OP posts:
Nicole1111 · 31/12/2023 23:56

Highly recommend it. It’s the main course in the uk and you can do it online (not too expensive at all) or if you have children the children’s centre normally run in person ones where you can meet other women who’ve had similar experiences.

Original poster
downinthedumps82 · 31/12/2023 23:57

Thank you will have a look in to it

OP posts:
FedUpMumof10YO · 01/01/2024 00:00

He's not a nice guy.

Silvers11 · 01/01/2024 00:18

downinthedumps82 · 31/12/2023 22:57

I'm scared he's going to hurt him self or go in to self destruct

That is really not your problem - but almost certainly he is pulling the emotional blackmail card and he won't really do anything stupid. Stay Strong @downinthedumps82

NeverDropYourMooncup · 01/01/2024 00:37

Turn that fear into anger. Cold anger. He used the most traumatic thing in your life as a weapon against you to get his own way.

How callous and vicious is somebody to take that information and use it to terrorise you into taking him back?

Block him completely. IF he finds a way to get in touch, ignore him and block him again. If he turns up at your door, call the Police without giving him even a second of your time. If you found a rat around your bins, you'd walk/run away and call pest control - he's far more unpleasant than a rat.

betterangels · 01/01/2024 01:43

Simbaonedaythiswillallbeyours · 31/12/2023 23:15

Women are not rehabs for broken men.

That's all that needs to be said.

Original poster
downinthedumps82 · 01/01/2024 10:03

Thanks every one. He messaged me saying he won't go back to work and so on I'm worried sick he will self destruct this is way too much after 5 month 😞

OP posts:
RowanMayfair · 01/01/2024 10:11

He's not going to self destruct over a 5 month relationship. And if he does (use that as an excuse) then he was just waiting for something to give him a reason to do so. Please block him, he's not your responsibility and he will wreck your head if you let him.

Channellingsophistication · 01/01/2024 10:13

He is not going to self-destruct he is using that as a tactic to get back with you. He is not your responsibility he’s abusing your good nature to manipulate you. Keep strong you’ve done well so far getting rid of him. You deserve better.

Tilllly · 01/01/2024 10:14

downinthedumps82 · 01/01/2024 10:03

Thanks every one. He messaged me saying he won't go back to work and so on I'm worried sick he will self destruct this is way too much after 5 month 😞

Ignore

Block

He is not your problem

InAMess2023 · 01/01/2024 10:17

Stay well away. I met a man just like this... spending me photos of his speedometer at 140mph, saying he was going to drown himself in the sea, etc etc etc.

At one point I was really worried so I contacted his ex who I vaguely already knew (mother of his child and together 16 years) - turns out she nothing about me, he'd been begging for her back at the same time, and sleeping with her, and sending her the same messages and photos! Double life blown wide open and guess who got the blame...

Grimchmas · 01/01/2024 10:18

downinthedumps82 · 01/01/2024 10:03

Thanks every one. He messaged me saying he won't go back to work and so on I'm worried sick he will self destruct this is way too much after 5 month 😞

EXACTLY. It IS way too much after 5 months. Nobody kills themselves because of a failed relationship of only 5 months long.

(Trigger warning: partner suicide. Headline only.)

My partner killed himself. He didn't tell me, he didn't use it to threaten me with, he just did it one day. Unbeknown to me he had been desperately seeking MH help for months. I imagine your father's story might have been similar, in that it's common for men who are genuinely suicidal to not tell their loved ones.

Nobody else is responsible for another person killing themselves; and somebody who is a genuine suicide risk, won't be using it as a tool to manipulate another person into a relationship with them.

Abusive men however; they use the threat all the time. It's so common it's a stereotype. They are not the men who are a suicide risk.

Detach emotionally, send any suicide threat to his family or a friend of his if you have their contact details, or the police if you think he is in immediate danger of harm. I'd put money on one visit from the police and he will swear at you and not bother threatening you with it again.

But seriously, block him on all channels. You are broken up. He is being manipulative. You do not have to tolerate that. Tell him in writing to stop contacting you and then make it impossible for him to do so.

CanImakethisbetter · 01/01/2024 10:19

downinthedumps82 · 01/01/2024 10:03

Thanks every one. He messaged me saying he won't go back to work and so on I'm worried sick he will self destruct this is way too much after 5 month 😞

Why are you worried about what he does?

He is a drug user, a liar and a manipulator.

You didn’t cause it. You can’t fix it. He is lying and manipulating you again.

By being in contact with him you are choosing to let him.

Grimchmas · 01/01/2024 10:24

I've ended it on the emotional blackmail. He's saying to me he's not toxic and it's just because he loves me.

Toxic men won't exactly go around admitting that they are toxic, will they. It wouldn't benefit him in the slightest to do so.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 01/01/2024 10:25

He is not your problem, you are not his mother.

He is a nasty manipulative abusive man

Block block block 🚫

Blinkityblonk · 01/01/2024 10:29

You must block him as you don't want his messages triggering you again. He is not your responsibility.

whatsitcalledwhen · 01/01/2024 11:02

@Grimchmas

Fuck, I am so sorry for your loss. It's unthinkable and you're so lovely to share some advice based on your experience. I hope the new year is a great one for you Flowers

whatsitcalledwhen · 01/01/2024 11:03

OP if you don't block him you are at such great risk of being drawn back in.

No good can come from not blocking him and on some level by not doing so, it means you are hoping things will change.

He won't change. He absolutely won't change. You need to accept that, block him and start healing from all the trauma he has caused you.

Today is THE perfect day to block him and start 2024 without continuing this cycle.

Natty13 · 01/01/2024 12:03

downinthedumps82 · 31/12/2023 23:25

My dad committed suicide it's a massive trigger for me my ex did the same I end up panicking. I've had EMDR and counselling and still having it. I will get there.

I just feel silly he seemed really different then little cracks have shown. I think it's taking 5 months because we only seen each other once / twice a week.

I'm going to be single now clearly wasn't ready to date again 😞

You are completely right, you WILL get there. I don't even know you and I'm proud of you for not only recognising the signs of abuse in this one but taking action and having the boundary to end it. That isn't easy to do and you should feel really pleased at how far you've come. I promise it gets easier the more you do it. All steps towards fjnding real and healthy love if that is your goal you are moving towards it every time you reject unhealthy men.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 01/01/2024 12:18

And if he doesn't go back to work, so what? Why is that your problem?

He is a grown assed adult, you are not responsible for his life choices.

perfectcolourfound · 01/01/2024 12:27

If he self destructs that isn't your fault, nor is it your problem to solve.

He's a grown man who's manipulated, gas lighted and lied to you. You've done the only sensible thing and left him.

What he does now is enirely up to him.

NewMeNewUs · 01/01/2024 12:39

You are doing the right thing. Don’t go back and do it to yourself again

hellsBells246 · 01/01/2024 12:56

downinthedumps82 · 31/12/2023 22:57

I'm scared he's going to hurt him self or go in to self destruct

He is not your responsibility.

You've been dating five months. You owe him nothing at all.

Block him on everything and look after yourself.

ChristmasFluff · 01/01/2024 13:19

I just want to emphasise that ou need to block him. Otherwise, it is only a question of how long your willpower can hold out against his manipulation. This is why No Contact is so important with these people, especially when you are still so vulnerable.

You've done so well - leaving him unblocked only leaves you at risk of having to do this all over again when he wears you down for a second time.

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