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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anyone ever cut someone out of their life?

60 replies

AmazingDayz · 31/12/2023 13:50

Has anyone ever cut someone out of their life that just wont accept it? Whether it’s an ex, friend, or family member? Just wondered how common it was for them to not accept it? If someone didn’t want to talk to me I would move on I wouldn’t continue to try to force my way into their life. I’m not looking for advice on how to stop them just genuinely wondered why someone would keep trying to force their way into your life if you’ve made it clear you want no contact with them?

OP posts:
annaT2122 · 31/12/2023 13:56

My ex was an absolute nightmare, wouldn't accept it. Eventually the penny dropped!

Original poster
AmazingDayz · 31/12/2023 13:59

How long did it take? It’s been 3 years and this person still won’t accept it

OP posts:
chatenoire · 31/12/2023 13:59

Yes my sister, best decision ever

Jammylou · 31/12/2023 14:16

AmazingDayz · 31/12/2023 13:59

How long did it take? It’s been 3 years and this person still won’t accept it

How have you cut them out....ghosted or told them straight.
They obviously not getting the message so you need to be clear.

WallaceinAnderland · 31/12/2023 14:18

How are they contacting you?

Original poster
AmazingDayz · 31/12/2023 14:19

Jammylou · 31/12/2023 14:16

How have you cut them out....ghosted or told them straight.
They obviously not getting the message so you need to be clear.

Show quote history

Yes I’ve told them many many times.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmazingDayz · 31/12/2023 14:20

WallaceinAnderland · 31/12/2023 14:18

How are they contacting you?

Coming to my house. I’m not looking for advice like call the police etc I’m aware I can do that I don’t want it to get to that point though and don’t see why it should have to so was just wondering why someone would try to force their way into someone’s life that clearly doesn’t want contact with them.

OP posts:
JadziaD · 31/12/2023 14:20

I think it really depends on the relationship and the person. I read on here often of people who try to go NC with a family member/exP who then keeps turning up at the door etc - basically perpetuating the abuse that precipitated the decision to go no contact in the first place.

IN the case of a friend or similar, I think people try to be a bit more subtle about ending the relationship and some people just think that the person who is trying to end the relationship is a bit flakey or busy etc. this is particularly true if the person hasn't been straight and makes polite "excuses".

Itsuitsyou · 31/12/2023 14:21

A so called friend and neighbour of mine. For years I was there for her, she rang me nearly every day asking if I could nip across the road and meet her son from his school taxi as she'd been "delayed". If I wasn't home she rang my mum and asked her to do it. She constantly came across the road asking to borrow things, food etc. She used to get me to look after her dogs when she went away and the house was covered in dog urine etc and I ended up having to clean everywhere. She was always very glamorous but I was quite fat and dowdy at the time and so decided to lose some weight and spruce myself up a bit. Everyone told me how good I looked, apart from her. She actually told me she couldn't handle me looking different as she "wasn't used to seeing me look like that and didn't like it" and she preferred me before. I eventually moved away but my son still attended the same school as hers, I once broke down on the way to collect him and rang her to ask if he could walk back to hers and wait until I could collect him. I was desperate and she refused, saying she had a headache and didn't feel like visitors. I was so upset, especially after all the times I'd looked after her disabled son when she hadn't made it home on time to meet his taxi. I can only think that, as I was no longer any use to her because I'd moved, she couldn't be bothered helping me out. I was so annoyed I cut off contact with her. Two years later I got a phone call from her out of the blue, asking if I could fill in her son's PIP review forms (which are known to be a nightmare to complete). That was it, no asking me how I was etc just saying that when she got the horrendous forms through, she immediately thought she would ask me to fill them in. I told her I'd phone her back but I never did.

BlingLoving · 31/12/2023 14:22

AmazingDayz · 31/12/2023 14:20

Coming to my house. I’m not looking for advice like call the police etc I’m aware I can do that I don’t want it to get to that point though and don’t see why it should have to so was just wondering why someone would try to force their way into someone’s life that clearly doesn’t want contact with them.

Show quote history

I assume you have cut contact because this person is abusive towards you? Controlling/manipulative etc?

THAT is why he/she continues to do it. They want things on their own terms and will do whatever they can to meet their own needs - whether that's about being seen as the victim, enjoying your fear/discomfort or something else, I couldn't say in this specific case.

Also, abusers know that if they keep hounding someone, they can often breakdown those barriers and boundaries and be let back in.

Usernamen · 31/12/2023 14:24

I have, but I have no way of knowing if they accepted it or not because there is no way for them to contact me, IYSWIM.

I couldn’t tell you the first thing about their life now, and they don’t have a clue about my life. That’s truly cutting someone out of your life. Don’t leave them with anything to hold on to.

How do you even know this person won’t accept it?

Usernamen · 31/12/2023 14:28

I would actually extend the above to people you are still in contact with but who add nothing to your life / always bring you down. Don’t share too much information about your life.

Original poster
AmazingDayz · 31/12/2023 14:29

Usernamen · 31/12/2023 14:24

I have, but I have no way of knowing if they accepted it or not because there is no way for them to contact me, IYSWIM.

I couldn’t tell you the first thing about their life now, and they don’t have a clue about my life. That’s truly cutting someone out of your life. Don’t leave them with anything to hold on to.

How do you even know this person won’t accept it?

Because they are turning up at my house or places I go to?

OP posts:
StrawberryWater · 31/12/2023 14:29

AmazingDayz · 31/12/2023 14:20

Coming to my house. I’m not looking for advice like call the police etc I’m aware I can do that I don’t want it to get to that point though and don’t see why it should have to so was just wondering why someone would try to force their way into someone’s life that clearly doesn’t want contact with them.

Show quote history

After 3 years of them trying to contact you and coming to your home it's beyond the point where you should be thinking of calling the police though, you should actually be doing it. Clearly you telling them to get lost isn't working.

Original poster
AmazingDayz · 31/12/2023 14:30

BlingLoving · 31/12/2023 14:22

I assume you have cut contact because this person is abusive towards you? Controlling/manipulative etc?

THAT is why he/she continues to do it. They want things on their own terms and will do whatever they can to meet their own needs - whether that's about being seen as the victim, enjoying your fear/discomfort or something else, I couldn't say in this specific case.

Also, abusers know that if they keep hounding someone, they can often breakdown those barriers and boundaries and be let back in.

Show quote history

Yes abuse is why I stopped contact so that makes sense. Just weird to me that someone would want to force their way into someone’s life that wants nothing more to do with them.

OP posts:
2024i · 31/12/2023 14:30

Sorry but the solution is to call the police (non emergency) if they’re not respecting your wishes

Original poster
AmazingDayz · 31/12/2023 14:30

2024i · 31/12/2023 14:30

Sorry but the solution is to call the police (non emergency) if they’re not respecting your wishes

Yes I’m aware of that. I was just wondering why someone would want to be into someone’s life out of force. I can’t imagine wanting to force my way into someone’s life so I’m trying to understand it.

OP posts:
2024i · 31/12/2023 14:30

It’s not weird at all as you’re not dealing with a reasonable person? They’re an abusive person doing abusive things, hardly surprising

Usernamen · 31/12/2023 14:32

If they are turning up to your house, you call the police.

Original poster
AmazingDayz · 31/12/2023 14:33

Again I’m aware I can call the police. I’m wondering why it needs to get to that stage and why you wouldn’t leave someone alone that made it clear they no longer want a relationship with you.

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 31/12/2023 14:34

Yes, it's only weird to you because you are a normal person. To an abusive person, it makes complete sense. You must be punished. You can be worn down. You are wrong and just need to see sense etc etc etc.

I believe that by definition, people who are consistently abusive must have some form of disordered thinking as otherwise how could they justify their behaviours - any rational, normal person can see that the behaviours are not okay. I have used this example before - but in the case of SIL, the moment I fully understood that exBIL simply did not think like a normal person was when she showed me a stream of vicious, vitriolic, irrational texts from him in which he accuses her of everything from being a shit parent to sleeping with other people to doing nothing for him etc. The last message had come through early evening the night before and the next day, mid morning, he texted her a breezy cheery little message to say his job interview had gone really well and he really hoped he got the job so he could pay her back everything he owed her.

No normal person goes from the stream of abuse he was hurling her to cheery perky grateful messages like that.

JanglingJack · 31/12/2023 14:37

AmazingDayz · 31/12/2023 14:30

Yes I’m aware of that. I was just wondering why someone would want to be into someone’s life out of force. I can’t imagine wanting to force my way into someone’s life so I’m trying to understand it.

Show quote history

It doesn't sound like they are acting in their right mind tbh. They sound obsessive and I can't believe you haven't put an end to this via the police.

They turn up at your house and places you go - bordering on stalking.

By you not taking full and decisive action, it seems that you are leading them on. In their mind they probably think you do want to see them.

You need to take this further and be more assertive.

Original poster
AmazingDayz · 31/12/2023 14:39

Erm no…? I’m leading them on? What are you on about?! They turn up to places I go not the other way round! I’ve told them to leave me alone, I’ve got others to tell them to leave me alone. How am I “leading them on”. 🤦‍♀️ if someone ignored you for 3 years you would think they was “leading you on”

OP posts:
JadziaD · 31/12/2023 14:41

AmazingDayz · 31/12/2023 14:39

Erm no…? I’m leading them on? What are you on about?! They turn up to places I go not the other way round! I’ve told them to leave me alone, I’ve got others to tell them to leave me alone. How am I “leading them on”. 🤦‍♀️ if someone ignored you for 3 years you would think they was “leading you on”

Well, I wouldn't. But I agree with others - if they're abusive, they don't think like you and I. They might well be convinced that because you haven't called the police, it means you secretly like it.

It's batshit crazy, I know. But abusers are not exactly mentally healthy individuals.

Usernamen · 31/12/2023 14:42

I think what that poster meant was that you need to nip this in the bud by getting the police involved sooner rather than later. Literally the next time they turn up to your house you call the police immediately- don’t even tell them you’re going to do it.

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