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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Has anyone ever cut someone out of their life?

60 replies

AmazingDayz · 31/12/2023 13:50

Has anyone ever cut someone out of their life that just wont accept it? Whether it’s an ex, friend, or family member? Just wondered how common it was for them to not accept it? If someone didn’t want to talk to me I would move on I wouldn’t continue to try to force my way into their life. I’m not looking for advice on how to stop them just genuinely wondered why someone would keep trying to force their way into your life if you’ve made it clear you want no contact with them?

OP posts:
Usernamen · 31/12/2023 14:43

Abusers do not think or behave rationally so trying to ‘understand’ why they won’t leave you alone is a pointless exercise.

JanglingJack · 31/12/2023 14:46

Usernamen · 31/12/2023 14:42

I think what that poster meant was that you need to nip this in the bud by getting the police involved sooner rather than later. Literally the next time they turn up to your house you call the police immediately- don’t even tell them you’re going to do it.

Yes that's absolutely what I meant.

Clearly you aren't being firm and proactive enough, so you need to take legal action.

3 years of telling to go away isn't working.

CarrieMoonbeams · 31/12/2023 14:46

The answer is, quite simply as others have said - abusers will abuse. They enjoy tracking you down, turning up at random things/times, even parking opposite your house at night with their headlights on full beam etc because they're an abuser.

I had this with my dad, he managed to track me down over 2 house moves by wheedling the information out of other people (who were all aware of the situation by the way, but he still got the information!)

JanglingJack · 31/12/2023 14:52

AmazingDayz · 31/12/2023 14:39

Erm no…? I’m leading them on? What are you on about?! They turn up to places I go not the other way round! I’ve told them to leave me alone, I’ve got others to tell them to leave me alone. How am I “leading them on”. 🤦‍♀️ if someone ignored you for 3 years you would think they was “leading you on”

Okay - addressing the leading on ...

You haven't made yourself clear enough or taken enough action. A stalker will see any kind of gesture or take 1 word from the telling them to go away as - she doesn't mean it, she's pleased to see me.
The fact that you have allowed this for 3 years tells them that it's fine.

As for understanding - you can't. They are obsessed with you. Even if you were in that position you wouldn't understand it. Your questioning of their reasoning is a pointless exercise.

Until you deal with it properly then you are allowing it to happen, thus leading on.

Mirrormeback · 31/12/2023 14:54

AmazingDayz · 31/12/2023 13:59

How long did it take? It’s been 3 years and this person still won’t accept it

That's stalking you can let the police know and they can have a quiet word if he's not crazy

JanglingJack · 31/12/2023 14:54

It's more worrying that it's someone abusive.

I'm not sure who's mind is in the right place here. 3 years. 🤷

Mirrormeback · 31/12/2023 14:54

If he's a bit cray you can get a restraining order

Bestyearever2024 · 31/12/2023 14:58

AmazingDayz · 31/12/2023 14:39

Erm no…? I’m leading them on? What are you on about?! They turn up to places I go not the other way round! I’ve told them to leave me alone, I’ve got others to tell them to leave me alone. How am I “leading them on”. 🤦‍♀️ if someone ignored you for 3 years you would think they was “leading you on”

Get a restraining order

The why they do it is irrelevant and the fact that you're focusing on this RATHER THAN A SOLUTION is very weird

You need to protect yourself

Go to the Police

Log the crime

Go to court

Get a RO

AmazingDayz · 31/12/2023 14:59

Oh for goodness sake I have looked at how to stop them even considering moving! I just wondered why someone would try to force themselves into someone else’s life. But I’m going to stop responding or read now as I’m obviously loving it and “leading them on”

OP posts:
Grendell · 31/12/2023 15:01

So you have a stalker? That's a tough one. They have some kind of mental health issue. This may go on until they find a new obsession or you hit on something that will shame them into stopping, which may be the police, but it might be something else.

I was able to get rid of my brother's stalker when I realized I worked with her sister's boss (different employers, same project). I told the stalker, "Good news! We have someone in common and I will ask him to mediate this situation" ...and no one heard from her ever again. I guess dragging her sister's boss into it was shame enough. Involving the police had made no difference.

NotLactoseFree · 31/12/2023 15:02

Have you heard all the people telling you that they do it because they are an abuser? They get off on it. They think differently to us?

I have long maintained that movies and TV have a lot to answer for because there's always closure on those shows. The abuser acknowledges the abuse, perhaps even apologises or feels guilty. The victim does something that leads to an intrinsic change.

But that's not how it works in real life.

Bad people do bad things and continue to do bad things until they are forced not to do those things. In this case, most likely they will only stop when the police get involved.

It's like my dog - she knows she's not supposed to steal food, but if it's there, she will steal it if she can get away with it.

ChanelNo19EDT · 31/12/2023 15:04

I'll tell you why, because he not you should have been the one to finish the relationship. You don't know your place. The actual nerve of you rejecting him wow. How dare you?? He wants to get you back long enough to prove to himself that he is superior to you, not the other way around as the little voice in his head whispers, before the other voice talks over it to say "how dare she? I decide when this over".
If he gets you back, he can then dump you and then phew his ego will be ok. His ego is struggling to compute how superior he is to you, but yet you rejected him. You think you're better than him? He cannot tolerate that thought. Too uncomfortable. Rather than sit with that and ask himself what he's learned, he wants you to learn that you are not better than him. ok??

Can you guess I have a narc x??

TeaGinandFags · 31/12/2023 15:04

OK. You know you have a stalker but do you know that you SHOULD call the police because stalkers ALWAYS escalate to danger? That being 90% of unstopped stalkers murder their victims.

The answer you are looking for is they're working to a different rubric. If someone calls you 999 times and the next time you pick up, they think that it takes 1000 times to get you. They NEVER consider the other person's wishes. If they did a simple fuck off would have worked long ago.

Log the time (where and when) they turned up. Try a different route and see if they're there. Do the same thing a different day. You get the picture and get security cameras. This way you have proof.

The police will send a letter stating that they are harrassing you and need to chill. If they persist then they get nicked because they can't now say they didn't realise.

Tartantatooes · 31/12/2023 15:05

Ended a toxic friendship. Should have done it long before I did . Toxic friend painted herself as a victim . Sent flying monkeys in too. Flying monkeys tried to gaslight me accusing me of holding a grudge . I stood firm and never looked back .

Specso · 31/12/2023 15:09

OP I understand the question you’re actually asking but none of us can answer why the person is doing it. Only they know that.

The reason people are continuing to suggest you involve the police is because what you have done so far in telling them to leave you alone and getting others to tell them clearly isn’t enough. No one knows why they won’t leave you alone so we can’t answer that. Most people wouldn’t continue to contact someone who’s told them repeatedly to go away. Trying to figure out why will just drive you mad so focus on pushing further to get them to stop is the only thing you can do.

FreeRider · 31/12/2023 15:11

Yes, my father, 34 years ago.

I was emotionally blackmailed to do so by my mother when he left her for another woman when I was 21. However he hadn't really been in my life for a good decade beforehand and I found out last year had actually tried to dump my mother, myself and my two brothers on the other side of the world when I was 11.

Both my parents are narcissists and ruined my childhood. I've been very low contact with my mother for the last 26 years, I deliberately live on the other side of the world to her and haven't seen her in nearly 15 years. My father has made a couple of attempts to contact me but I've always ignored them.

None of it is easy, but for the sake of my mental health (I'm bipolar) it's very necessary.

SerafinasGoose · 31/12/2023 15:13

AmazingDayz · 31/12/2023 14:20

Coming to my house. I’m not looking for advice like call the police etc I’m aware I can do that I don’t want it to get to that point though and don’t see why it should have to so was just wondering why someone would try to force their way into someone’s life that clearly doesn’t want contact with them.

Has this escalated into stalking, OP? It sounds as though it might have, or at the very least be bordering on that. This is something that might bear consideration.

Your question is one, unfortunately, that it's impossible for anyone to answer other than the harasser themselves. They behave this way for a variety of reasons. They might want to make their presence known. Or they may be in denial, and when someone says the word 'no' they determinedly hear precisely the opposite. (This, incidentally, is a massive red flag). Sometimes, this can be motivated by what's known as an erotomanic delusion that the other person loves them. It can be impossible to reason with this.

Otherwise, it can simply be an element of control. A person who has previously had control over you is most persistent - or possibly dangerous - when they fear they are losing that control. For this reason, albeit you're convinced they represent no threat of harm to you, you still need to exercise caution.

It's imperative that you have no further engagement with this person. Don't answer the phone or the door. Instal a ring doorbell and ensure your home security is up to scratch.

It might be worthwhile reading the police advice online as to what you should do if you are being stalked. Whatever the situation, however, the more you engage, the more you reward their behaviour and the more they will persist.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I've been stalked: twice. It's a horrible, invasive experience and no one deserves to go through this.

JanglingJack · 31/12/2023 15:14

AmazingDayz · 31/12/2023 14:59

Oh for goodness sake I have looked at how to stop them even considering moving! I just wondered why someone would try to force themselves into someone else’s life. But I’m going to stop responding or read now as I’m obviously loving it and “leading them on”

Leading them on in their mind as pointed out.

So you're still not going to address the situation?

Just let it carry on for more years whilst it escalated? Well, you've had advice about how to start putting a stop to it. You don't want to heed that advice, which brings only one conclusion 🙄

Good luck to you.

SerafinasGoose · 31/12/2023 15:18

AmazingDayz · 31/12/2023 14:29

Because they are turning up at my house or places I go to?

This IS stalking, @AmazingDayz . It gets worse. They escalate.

I hope you won't do what you say you're going to further downthread, and stop reading. Instead, just tune out the unnecessary comments that you must be enjoying the situation (nobody enjoys this). But you've had useful advice, which you should take your time to read and digest whether or not you act on it immediately, because IMO it's essential you confront what is happening to you here. Take it from one who has been through it.

If you do nothing else, I recommend reading Gavin de Becker's book The Gift of Fear. It could be a lifesaver.

SerafinasGoose · 31/12/2023 15:22

AmazingDayz · 31/12/2023 14:30

Yes I’m aware of that. I was just wondering why someone would want to be into someone’s life out of force. I can’t imagine wanting to force my way into someone’s life so I’m trying to understand it.

You are trying to apply reasoning to a person/situation which isn't rational.

This isn't possible. It won't and can't provide you with answers.

JanglingJack · 31/12/2023 15:25

I haven't and nobody else has said OP is enjoying it. That's nonsense.

My messages were saying that because no action is being taken and there is engagement to say go away etc ... Is leading a mentally ill person on, in THEIR mind. OP wanted an explanation and I think enough explaining has been given, along with advice how to finally finish it after 3 years.

xyz111 · 31/12/2023 15:27

AmazingDayz · 31/12/2023 14:59

Oh for goodness sake I have looked at how to stop them even considering moving! I just wondered why someone would try to force themselves into someone else’s life. But I’m going to stop responding or read now as I’m obviously loving it and “leading them on”

You've looked into it, but what have you done about it? I think that's what everyone is saying. Don't let it go on 4 years.

JanglingJack · 31/12/2023 15:30

It's frustrating when somebody asks for help, you give them that route and they constantly say that they know they could involve the police but won't.

It turns in to a pointless circle. And if OP won't involve the police for a clear stalking issue, then why not?
I appreciate the thread beginning by asking why someone would do this? There is no definite answer other they are not thinking rationally, are obsessed and mentally ill.
Which leads only to the police. There is no conversation to be had with an obsessive stalker.

If that doesn't help, I don't what will.

JanglingJack · 31/12/2023 15:37

Anyway @AmazingDayz I'm leaving the thread now to get on with house stuff 🙄

I think you've taken my posts the wrong way, but I do hope you step up in putting an end to this.

TeaGinandFags · 31/12/2023 15:39

@JanglingJack
@AmazingDayz

They do it becduse it's fun. They're upsetting , no, scaring you and they like that. By being where you are is still being with you. You respond so it's still a relationship in their eyes.

What's more, if they can't have you no one else is allowed to, so sooner or later you're going to have to die. They will take your life because in their mind it's slreafy theirs.

Now call the fucking police because it is way beyond that point and I fear that you may be already on borrowed time.