Not 'bad enough' to leave

[Idontknow010101]

I'm in a relationship of convenience I guess, for want of a better way of putting it. Been together 13 years. He has great qualities - in terms of the house he does equal amounts, he has a positive relationship with my child and is a decent stepfather, he has looked after us practically and financially over the years and continues to do so. We get on well, can laugh together and like each others company, even if we do take each other for granted. But I cant help feeling something is really missing for me. The emotional connection. the care and empathy when I'm low or anxious (which happens from time to time) I couldnt feel more alone. He seems mainly oblivious about it, and when I let him know and tell him how I'm feeling, he can say some comforting things (which I've guided him about over the years) but again seems oblivious and disinterested. It makes me feel like we are quite mismatched and I wonder sometimes about a more emotionally fulfilling and secure relationship.

Has anyone else felt this? I feel like it must be quite common, just based on how men and women are socialised.

Some of what you said resonated with me.

I left this year. I'm a changed person. Turned out I wasn't who he made me feel. I'm doing great. So much better than I expected. What I may have got from him was not worth what was missing..

Wow @BirthdayRainbow that's brilliant, I'm so happy to hear that.

'I wasn't who he made me feel' Can I ask, how he made you feel?

For me, I don't know if my partner makes me feel bad per se, but the dynamic and relationship don't feel good.. and in turn make me feel needy, mentally unstable, in opposition to his aloofness.

Never good enough.
Less independent the longer we were together.
Wrong for wanting intimacy.
Not a good enough mum.
Not as capable as him.
Not as clever.

just reread your post, the needy, etc. yep get the fuck out. It won't get better but YOU WILL.

the irony is, I'm cleverer than him, very independent, cope with stuff I'd never have expected I could, kids think I'm fabulous, I'm very capable and have sorted so much out I'd just get him to do or panic about. even not allowed to use certain words..

Oh I'm so thrilled for you @BirthdayRainbow ! And yeah I feel you on the cleverer.. he called me manipulative recently, because I'm better able to express myself than he is.
I too feel - how would i cope? And know that I've become overly reliant on him..

there's also the impact on my dd as she's doing her gcses this year, I would wait until she's finished school

I want to hold you up as you take the steps..

Dont stay for your child. It's a huge unfair burden for them when they find out what you've done.

Even if you decide not to leave until after the exams you can make a start on planning.

Thank you @BirthdayRainbow, I know what you mean and I'd hate them to feel any sense of burden or responsibility, definitely not.

I'm starting to imagine what I'd like my future to look like, where I'd like to live. It's quite exciting, but I must say I am really heartbroken too, did you feel heartbroken when you split?

I'm in exactly the same boat. My DH has many positive qualities, but it's taken me years to understand that he has zero empathy. I've realised he honestly doesn't care how I feel. It's taken me so long to realise this because he's so nice to my kids and family, but when it's just him and me, he makes no effort at all. We've had an awful couple of years, and he's seen me on my knees, but still wouldn't take me out somewhere or prioritise doing something nice for me, despite me asking again and again for him to stop being so focussed on work.

Omg @Staniam , yes! Doesn't care how I feel, and I will add.. doesn't really enquire about who I am.. I mean I tell him, I gather he has a sense of me from over the years, but there has been a real lack of curiosity and interest about me. Knowing his family, it makes sense as none of them are socially developed (all talk at you about themselves, no questions, or interaction, I get huge smile ache from being there) but this is what he has developed within so it's no wonder.

Interesting, OP. My DH's family is exactly the same. Never ask me a single questions, just talk about themselves. It drives me crazy.

Its so exhausting. I'm sorry you find yourself in the same boat @Staniam and that you've had a lack of care too, in your time of need. I had a rough time a few years ago and I don't think I'll ever fully get over how dp reacted to me at the time - just no awareness of the gravity or seriousness of my predicament (it was life threatening and has been life changing) and went to work as usual.. the next day I begged him to take the day off, he eventually did but was stressed about it.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that, OP. My DH had a serious health condition and I researched so much about it and attended every meeting with his doctors. But when I've faced ongoing health concerns, he's not bothered to find out anything about it, and left me to go to appointments on my own. The only time he ever cares or does anything is when he's worried it'll make him look bad to other people.

I know this about him. I know how he operates. But leaving just feels impossible. It's never quite bad enough to be absolutely clear cut, and leaving will cause a level of chaos and mayhem I'm not sure I can handle it.

Like you said, you never get over how they reacted, but somehow it gets covered up with other stuff. Something will trigger me again and all the anger about what has happened erupts. It's such an awful cycle.

and in turn make me feel needy, mentally unstable

Get the hell out. No relationship should have you feeling like that. I decided to leave my long marriage when I realised I needed antidepressants as I was so depressed. Basically I was going to medicate myself to stay with him...

Following, nodding along and thinking very carefully. .

Also nodding along and feeling aghast.

and in turn make me feel needy, mentally unstable

This. And just as a harden myself again and get myself together enough to carry on, something else happens and I'm washed off the deck again.

Some small things. Some arguably bigger things. All leaving me feeling like I am alone and just trying to survive while balancing things so that the waves don't push me back off the deck.

No answers or advice. But hoping this thread will help me too.

@Idontknow010101
When i read through your posts - i wondered if this is about your partner or really more about you.

You met him when your child was about 2-3. You’ve been together for 13 years.
You say he has taken care of the two of you practically and financially. He is a good step dad and does his fair share of housework.
You get on well, laugh together and enjoy each other’s company.

You do realise - this isn’t ‘not bad enough to leave’??? You are describing a partner a really good partner many women are looking for, and most don’t have…..

You seem to be expecting him to also be helping you with your anxiety and moods.

I am not sure it’s fair to put in on a partner - as he is not your counsellor.

And - adding to that - men are generally crap with that. They don’t have well develop empathy and generally need prodding and instructions.
I don’t think you’ll solve this issue by getting into another relationship. Unless; possibly - if you start dating women.

Your comment about not wanting to ‘know you’ is also a little strange. After 13 years together - people tend not to keep trying to find out new depths in their partners. As living together for that long - gives us a good idea of who we are in a relationship with.
This to me reads a little attention seeking and a bit self centred. —- How much discovering about him have you been doing this year, for eg?

As to being manipulative - your posts do read a bit like that. You take little responsibility for your own moods/feelings and put it on him. It is not a normal reaction to be mentally unstable and needy - just because he is being aloof. You are the one in control of your moods - not him.

Your last post about your health - which I read just now - i think is probably the key to this all.
I am sorry about your life altering condition.
It isn’t quite clear what it actually means - but I am guessing you are struggling with accepting it and in some way transferring your frustration and unhappiness about it onto him.

I don’t know what it means when he wasn’t supportive when you were going through it.
By what you said - he wanted to make sure he is able to continue to provide for you and your daughter. Which - to him is the sort of support he is good at. While i think you needed him to hold your hand instead.

Have you had any help since your diagnosis? I do think you may find counselling helpful - to make sense of your feelings about your life (with or w/o him) and your health situation.

You can, of course leave any relationship for any reason.
But - a word of caution - if you’ll be leaving to find a ‘more emotionally supportive’ relationship…. I don’t think you are likely to find that.
Maybe those emotionally intelligent and empathetic men - who will fall for you and will also turn out to be good house-broken companions you’ll be able to have a laugh with - maybe they do exist.

But odds of meeting them are not great.

MMmomDD .. Perfectly worded wisdom.

I was heartbroken at what he'd done and the wasted time but not at not being with him anymore. In a moment I stopped loving him and I was done.

So many similarities...

I also looked after H when ill. Saved his life twice. But when I was poorly again with the same thing I had a sense he'd had enough.

He is the way he is because of his upbringing, his mother did what she had. But he's a grown man and could change. Even if I told him what I needed or exactly what I needed him to say, he could not say it!

I'm getting angry at the useless men in the world and the parents who don't do enough of a good job. My children have had the complete opposite of what I had so I know one can do it differently.

Your life is too long to spend it in a relationship that doesn't give you all you need, want and hope for. There's not just one person. But there is just one life.

Tomorrow is the new year. Start making plans. It may feel scary but that's just a feeling. Once you are ready it is easy.

Thinking about wanting to leave means it IS bad enough to leave and it doesn't have to be chaotic. Plan and it and you will be okay.

All I take from MMmomDD is it's your fault and be grateful.

No. No. No. Few women get to married to doctors but if you love someone you help them in anyway you can. If you can't talk to your partner honestly and they don't want to try and help you then what is the point.

I'm sorry, I don't have time to type a longer post.. you were me though, a few years back. I read 'Too good to leave, to bad to stay'. I read it and it was a game changer for me. Long story short, I saw my worth and we're now divorced. We co-parent amicably and we get on. There were tougher times but we got through, because fundamentally, we both knew deep down what was right, I guess.
That new life you're pondering? It's there, just around the corner and it's bloody amazing!

Yeah, me too.

I suspect my DH feels fairly similarly about me. We're not together "for the kids" but the kids give us the reason to try to fix it. Not sure how long we're going to carry on trying and failing.

@MMmomDD thank you for your perspective. I agree this is absolutely about me and not him - he hasn't changed, I have. I am 41 now, I have been in therapy for years, I think that's part if it - therapy has given me the audacity to think I could do it on my own and I might be happier in myself if I did.

I appreciate what he has done for us so much. He has helped us build a warm and cosy home - these traits of his are beautiful and honestly I just feel heartbroken for him that it's not enough for me.

I agree I won't find a better man and I have no interest in finding one. As long as I've been with him I've thought - if this doesn't work out, I'm never dating men again. And I absolutely stand by that. I've never dated women and I cant imagine it.

In all the couples I know, which is about 30/40, I would say there is 1 straight couple where the man seems emotionally attuned, the others are variations on what i have. My best friend is in a lesbian relationship and it is the most emotionally intimate, supportive relationship I know, its off the scale. I would only want that equivalent, or nothing. (God, it feels so weird typing that, i was going going say demanding and princessy, but actually it doesn't, it feels powerful and strong)

The way I'm feeling today is so heartbroken for him. He hasn't done anything wrong, he's just not for me. I feel awful.

There is also the financial element - I was looking at 2 bed flats yesterday for my dd and I, (we currently live in a 3 bed house) and i couldn't afford any of them alone. I have a stable and secure job which pays pretty well but we live in SE. I'll have to compromise on area

Reading the replies.. seems there are a few of us. I do think its quite standard for a hetero relationship. And most women compromise their emotional needs in favour of practical security (like I've done) and try to accept 'that's just men'.

I don't want to feel bitter and resentful and push my feelings aside. I think I'd rather be alone. As terrifying as that feels right now.