Do you still have long-standing friends?

[EmmaEmerald]

Question for those of us who are old enough...do you still have friends from 20 - 25 years ago?

If so, did they keep in touch reasonably often?

Thanks.

@IncompleteSenten I'm guessing that's because you want to move on?

Basically, I was a bit of a tosser when I was young, I’m much nicer now, less spiky. They keep me grounded as they know where the skeletons are hidden!

Yes several! I am off to dinner with some friends from uni (20+ years ago) tonight then seeing some more tomorrow for New Year. It's lovely.

I am lucky in that even though I am childless and several of them have children, both sides have made an effort to make it work. These days I enjoy hanging out with their children too.

Catching up tomorrow with my oldest friend of 40 years, we're 43! We live at opposite ends of the country now but catch up a couple of times a year. I'm in touch with my uni friends, again try to catch up a couple of times a year, easier said than done sometimes!

@Bowbobobo okay, thanks.

This is what I thought would happen. I get on well with teens. Well, I get on with most people really.

But no, didn't except with one school friend who lives very far away and we both struggle with travel.

Oh, ok. Sounds like you’ve grown apart. It happens quite a lot.

I think this thread is going to make you feel worse, OP. It's making me feel like a complete reject! It's lovely that all these long term friendships survive and flourish, but you may need to read one of the 'why don't I have close friends?' threads for balance. In reality there is such a vast range of situations.

@auntyElle I'm on pretty much all of them! It's either luck or I'm really dull, but regardless, it's time to move on and accept certain things.

I'm sorry you feel like a reject. 💐

My closest friends I met at playschool, before starting primary. I'm late 40s, we meet every few months and I'm in touch with one of them every day multiple times via messages, we're one another's sense check and we know each other so well.
I have several very close friends from high school, we meet when we can and are very much present in each others' lives.
I didn't make super close friends at uni, my other closest friend is a neighbour who I met when she moved in 20 years ago, we had DCs the same ages and we just clicked. She describes me as a sister. I adore her. I feel really lucky to have brilliant women in my life.

This definitely - similar age

65, still in contact with a few friends from primary schl, 30 odd friends from boarding school, several from my 20's, 30's, 40's and 50's. Sadly BFF of 34 years died last year. 💔

'Too much time has passed. I suppose I'm wondering if I might have regrets but if someone who can drive over in an hour hasn't come by, or invited you, for six years, it's over isn't it. They have zero interest in me and my life.'

OP, not sure you are being realistic. In my experience - I have 3 kids, grown up now - parents who look after their own kids (ie who don't have live-in nannies or au pairs) simply cannot 'drive over in an hour', even at a weekend. Even when kids are old enough to go out by themselves, there's just too much to do - housework; work-related work - and you're either physically tired and/or mentally jaded.

Partner & I have some old friends - also parents - who live well within walking distance, but we're both too knackered/brain dead to organise anything so hardly ever see each other, which is sad. But if one of them rang to say, hey it's been a while, shall I pop over tonight, we'd be like, oh no look at the state of the place, we're planning to get sorted for work tomorrow, get the kids in bed by 9 (which means 9.45), watch Call The Midwife and crash out ourselves. And so are they!

Also, kids don't go away at 16, 18 or 21 anymore. Eldest is 31, working from home, earning good money but because of this country's ridiculously broken housing situation, finding it difficult to move out.

Weekends don't make much difference; I do shift work so might be working anyway, and ofc weekends are taken up with cleaning, washing, shopping. You're right, the gap between parents & non-parents is massive.

For myself, I have zero friends from school or uni (and was far too diffident to imagine anyone would want to stay in touch). I have an honorary cousin I've known since about 14 but she lives 140 miles away. I have 2 good workmates left; used to be 4 but have lost 2 of them & I don't know why. I never socialised with any of them outside of work/pub after work, so there's no particular reason why we couldn't carry on as before, they've just gone off me or have too much else going on, I guess.

Sorry, this is not very encouraging but I'm afraid I don't think deep friendship is very compatible with today's busy, not-enough-time-energy-or-money society.

@Thingumabob I really appreciate your post, thank you

I much prefer unvarnished truths and there's very little point trying to meet people who will be in the same set of circumstances.

I'm not angry or anything. I just think I've had my head in the sand about the reality of it.

I'm a completely different person now than six years ago too.

I need to think about how I use my time and energy going forward. I might ghost because I cannot bear to reply to another "happy new year, we'll meet up soon" message. I've ignored the Christmas ones.

it will be a change to be the ghoster rather than the ghosted.

Just to add, one of the people I'm thinking of, I contacted in desperation one day after I'd had a nervous breakdown. I messaged her because I know she doesn't work atm, it was 3pm on a Wednesday or something.

To be fair, she rang me straight away and tried to be sympathetic.

But she did also say "we are all over 40 with kids now, you shouldn't really be expecting help from any friends now". In an almost patronising way. Like I was a total fool for thinking people might want to help.

Her DD is a teen and the father walked out when she was a baby. I helped with childcare as I worked variable hours.

Why did I do that?

I definitely won't be doing that kind of thing again.

But these are the people whose messages can be ignored, I think. And if they want to meet in future, and I don't, that's fair enough.

Sorry, just thinking aloud now.

My best friend - 40 years
Also a couple of friends who are ex colleagues I've known for 30 years

In contact with all regularly .

50 years and 40 years

@EmmaEmerald interesting what you say about friends with children / child free . I lost closeness with a lot of my older friends through children - both when they had theirs and then when I had mine a little later . Have reconnected a lot over recent years both with child free friends and with those whose children are now independent.

@EmmaEmerald that's a pretty awful thing of your friend to say TBH and I don't think that view is normal . Sure people can struggle with nights out etc if they don't have child care but suggesting someone couldn't expect a friend to help in those circumstances is both cruel and odd .

Best friend 48 years. Oh my, she gets on my nerves at times but we are in constant contact and I don't think we will ever fall out because we both speak our minds, and have a great time together 90% of the time.

Oldest friendship 59 years, she was not the easiest friend to have, and we fell out a bit about 6 years ago, it's never been the same since. I'm actually glad even though we are intermittently still in touch and meet up about 3-4 times a year. I wouldn't miss the friendship if it died becaue she has been very hurtful and has changed so much since her and her DH got rich!

Thanks

tbh most people didn't want to help so she's not wrong

so I will be choosy where my time and attention go.

One friend from school, three from university, one group of women from choir years ago, one from a running club and one from my first job. All still in touch and meet regularly.

That would make me a nicer person but sadly no. It's because people really don't mean anything to me when I am no longer in the situation where it benefits me to interact with them and basically I just forget about them. I forget they exist unless something happens to remind me.

It's nothing they've done. It's a me problem.

People should not waste their time or energy on people like me who are incapable of being true friends to them.

You should not waste your time or energy on people who are showing you through their actions that you are not important to them.

It's not your failing. It's theirs.

@IncompleteSenten "It's because people really don't mean anything to me when I am no longer in the situation where it benefits me to interact with them and basically I just forget about them. I forget they exist unless something happens to remind me."

I really appreciate your honesty.

I've had the same best friend since I was 3 so 42 years now.

Also have another close friend that I've known forever as her mum is my mums best friend but we've only been proper friends since our twenties & now our daughters are in their twenties & are really good friends too.