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Relationships

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Original poster

Can you fall in love with someone you are not physically attracted to?

65 replies

ExDebate · 30/12/2023 13:44

Post ex drama, I have decided to start dating. I have met 3 guys, all of whom are lovely, tick most if not all boxes on personality levels but I just don't feel attracted to them. Not to the level of wanting to get them into bed and rip their clothes off. Then again, I have been reading about relationships and attachments and apparently chemistry and butterflies meant to be body's response to warn again the person rather than to show they are the one. I have always dated men I really fancied and every relationship has fallen apart as they are never emotionally available and certainly don't tick even half the boxes on personality level.

So mumsnetters, did you fall in love with a guy you didn't necessarily fancy? Did you make it work and had/ have fulfilling relationships?

OP posts:

disappearingfish · 30/12/2023 14:34

How long are you waiting for the attraction to kick in? Do you have that feeling with anyone? I don't think it's unusual for attraction grow as you get to know someone better.

ringmybe11 · 30/12/2023 14:46

I think the rip the clothes off feeling can come once you've got to know someone. I think initially you need to be open to that though, so if the thought of being intimate repulses you then that's unlikely to go away but if you don't feel that then it's worth seeing if it can go anywhere. From my own experience I'd say that second date should be better than the first, third better than second etc. I have never kissed someone on the first date as haven't felt like I wanted to. I kissed DH on our second date.

Original poster

ExDebate · 30/12/2023 15:07

Each had 2 dates now. I don't know If I'm still hanged up on my ex hence why I don't find the as attractive ? Ex wasn't my usual type either, they all fit the bill more in terms of overall looks like hair colour, height etc. I'm trying to break the habit of going for a wrong guy. Not sure if I don't find them attractive because they are nice and secure men rather than toxic unavailable players? All respectful, no love bombing, no crazy promises, no touchy feely. Completely opposite of what I have ever dated.

OP posts:

RowanMayfair · 30/12/2023 15:08

Not a chance. Not for me anyway.

Crushed23 · 30/12/2023 15:13

I’ve never been able to make this work. If I don’t fancy the guy it’s a complete non-starter for me.

Bluelightbaby · 30/12/2023 15:17

When I first met my OH (at work) I didn’t fancy him physically but definitely him as a person, over time I fancied him physically and now can’t get enough of him lol we’ve been together four years and are getting married next year !

heartbroken40 · 30/12/2023 15:17

When I met my partner I was "meh". I didn't particularly fancy him and I didn't even think he had a sparkling personality (he has a really big job and normally those people have lots of charisma but he seemed to lack it)

I persevered - we're now two years down the line and yes I see the charisma and also I think he's the hottest man ever

Realisation only came in at date 10-11 though (yes I really persevered). I'm so in love with him it's crazy

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 30/12/2023 15:20

Yes, but maybe not on the dating scene - I worked with someone for ages and got to know him as a friend before suddenly realising that I found him attractive. His funny face (rather than being good looking) became part of the appeal, because it was a part of him, the guy I had come to love. Not sure if this would work if you're dating strangers and sizing them up, wondering whether to go on a second date with them.

disappearingfish · 30/12/2023 15:29

2 dates is nothing! You barely know them.

Loopytiles · 30/12/2023 15:30

It sounds like your thoughts and feelings about your ex and break up might be affecting how you feel about the prospect of a new sexual relationship.

if you want to date, perhaps seek to see them a hit more in case of the ‘slow burn’ attraction/chemistry, but not wasting time if you’re repulsed!

Sparkshaveflown · 30/12/2023 15:32

Yes but agree with PP poster, not in dating scene. I have met people through work or friendship grps. It is the getting to know them naturally through shared experiences/regular/daily contact. You see their full self, sense of humour, they see yrs and often that has made me attracted to them when I ordinarily would not be and vice versa.

Pinkbonbon · 30/12/2023 15:33

It's unhealthy to date people you don't fancy at least a little imo. Like...pretty low bar to set yourself from the offset isn't it? I'm not saying you should want to jump their bones 2 dates in but you should be somewhat attracted to them.

If you work with someone and feelings grow, great. But that's different. You had to be around that person for other reasons. But dating is a choice and it's not subsidised so wtf waste someones time and your own if you're not feeling it?

I don't really agree that butterflies are a warning. But extreme chemistry from the ofset absolutely can be. Narcissistic sorts and other abusers often love bomb. They also do things like look at you intensely af, that can create butterflies I suppose. But you just have to be aware of the difference between the flutters because he's really handsome and kind ...and the flutters because its some intense,love bombing whirlwind.

It's OK to be single. To focus on friendships. If you can't see any romantic attraction by the end of date one, it's usually not worth a second date. Seriously, every time I've thought 'hmm...maybe I can give it one more date' it's been a mistake because I actually already know how I feel/that he's not for me.

Olika · 30/12/2023 15:36

I think there has to be something that makes him different to the others. On our first date I didn't fancy my now DH but I felt mental connection to him. I remember thinking this man is like a male version of me. I enjoyed meeting with him and we had great time. Once I got to know him better and he kept being consistent with how he was treating me and I saw he has those traits and qualities I am looking for suddenly I couldn't keep my hands off him.

Christmasapple · 30/12/2023 15:36

I am not an attractive woman and consequently do not tend to attract traditionally attractive men. That doesn’t mean I do not attract kind, funny or clever men.

I’ve found that I tend to find someone attractive and desirable for their personality and as that attraction grows I find their looks and body attractive too.

I fancy the pants off of my husband but had you shown me a photo of him before I knew him I probably wouldn’t have said I found him attractive.

category12 · 30/12/2023 15:40

apparently chemistry and butterflies meant to be body's response to warn again the person

Whut?

Butterflies makes sense because that would be read as anxiety in any other situation, but chemistry? 🤔

mindutopia · 30/12/2023 15:40

I didn’t initially find Dh all that attractive. He was a really nice guy and I really had fun with him, but he wasn’t really my usual type and importantly, he didn’t give me that yo-yo rush of emotions I often had in other relationships. I can’t honestly say thinking about it now that I ever found exes really attractive either at first, but I was hooked because they were a bit elusive and dicked me around I think.

Dh wasn’t like that. He was kind and respectful and he kept his word and turned up exactly when he said he would. In retrospect, I think the ‘attraction’ was more an attraction to the game playing in previous relationships. It wasn’t that I didn’t find him attractive, just that there wasn’t the same rush and big highs and lows right away.

Turns out that was a good thing. Actually, I find him very attractive now (been married 15 years). I think I was confusing the chase with attraction because previous relationships led me to do a lot of chasing of uncommitted arseholes. If they’re nice and you’re enjoying spending time with them and you click otherwise, I’d give it a bit more time to see what develops.

Jennyjojo5 · 30/12/2023 15:42

Tbf, if you’re still hung up on your ex then this makes you entirely emotionally unavailable too.

Twoshoesnewshoes · 30/12/2023 15:45

Could have written @mindutopia ’s post.
DH definitely wasn’t my type, but he grew on me. But I don’t usually find anyone sexually attractive tbh.
now, together 30 years, I do fancy him, and that’s in part cos I know we have great sex together so I have that association with seeing him with his kit off!

Tinkleberryz · 30/12/2023 15:46

No, I think you need attraction, not ripping clothes off but I do think you need it from the start - even if that means finding the person attractive after a few dates, it doesn’t have to be instant. That’s more of a young immature thing in my opinion anyway. The most important thing is compatibility, good foundations if you’re looking long term. For a fling yeah who cares 👍

AnnieMare · 30/12/2023 15:47

Yes, because I was attracted to more than the physical.

I think that changes over time too, with prior experiences.

In my younger days, tall men only!

Having married a tall (abusive) , selfish man and dated another tall, ‘player’ who treat me badly, I am in a relationship with the kindest, funniest, most caring man, who is a joy for me and my teen DC’s to be around. He's an excellent professional, morally sound and a fabulous role model. He has faith in me, builds me up and makes me feel adored.

I may not have been attracted to him if I'd met him briefly in a bar, but I knew him through work, gave a couple of dates a try and here I am. Yes, I find him attractive. He is an amazing human!

He's the shortest man I have had a relationship with, but for the longest time. (11 years and counting).

Delphinepony · 30/12/2023 15:50

Bluelightbaby · 30/12/2023 15:17

Same.

pinkiepie87 · 30/12/2023 15:51

On the flip side, my ex was not attracted to me and it was horrible.

I was not his type. He likes the emo goth dark haired skinny girls. I'm a curvy girly girl blonde.

He told me he found me attractive and we stayed together for 3 years... but we hardly ever had sex. When we did, it was from behind. He wouldn't get me naked or touch me, he'd just put it in. Eventually he started doing other positions and foreplay, but it was then just missionary and he couldn't stay hard. He did try to touch me but he'd either go soft or "forget" to touch me.

He'd also use porn and look at women his type online and in real life.

Made me feel like utter shit tbh.

purpledaze24 · 30/12/2023 15:56

I Don’t think you need crazy butterflies and sweaty palms..that’s gone away for me with anyone with age I think. But you do need a spark and the desire to kiss them and have sex with them. I personally think that if that isn’t there on the first date (even a hint of it) then it’s never going to be there. I had DC with someone I loved to bits but only ever fancied a little bit and we ended up breaking up years down the line because we stopped being attracted to each other. Now I’m a single parent. Something I never wanted to be. If you “settle” for someone you’ll never have that spark that carries you through long term

LaurieStrode · 30/12/2023 16:02

disappearingfish · 30/12/2023 15:29

2 dates is nothing! You barely know them.

This.

Why not just get to know people as human beings rather than constantly assessing them as prospective lovers?

It sounds like you could use some time out to work on yourself anyway.

Glitterb · 30/12/2023 16:08

From my experience, no sorry OP!

I had the same issue when dating, I met someone who I got along with like a house on fire but I didn’t fancy him at all. I found I was forever putting off meeting him again and when I did it confirmed my feelings. I felt awful!

I did meet someone around a year later who I couldn’t wait to see again, give it time!

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