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Original poster

Can you fall in love with someone you are not physically attracted to?

65 replies

ExDebate · 30/12/2023 13:44

Post ex drama, I have decided to start dating. I have met 3 guys, all of whom are lovely, tick most if not all boxes on personality levels but I just don't feel attracted to them. Not to the level of wanting to get them into bed and rip their clothes off. Then again, I have been reading about relationships and attachments and apparently chemistry and butterflies meant to be body's response to warn again the person rather than to show they are the one. I have always dated men I really fancied and every relationship has fallen apart as they are never emotionally available and certainly don't tick even half the boxes on personality level.

So mumsnetters, did you fall in love with a guy you didn't necessarily fancy? Did you make it work and had/ have fulfilling relationships?

OP posts:
farthingwood5 · 30/12/2023 16:15

As long as you don’t find them unattractive there’s potential.

I dated a guy who was ok in some OLD photos, on the date he was better in person and there was something there, but I wasn’t sure. But his personality was amazing and the more I got to know him the more I liked him and felt we clicked. Then the ripping his clothes off level attraction came

GymWhale · 30/12/2023 16:20

I've never really fancied any of my partners when I first met them. Attraction grew as I got to know them.

User838960 · 30/12/2023 17:12

The last few people I have dated (and ex partners) have all been met off dating apps. Most of the time, I don't even want to go on the first meet as convinced I'm not attracted to their pictures. However I know instantly on the first meeting if the attraction is there. Even if they are not good looking on paper or my usual type, attraction to me is all down to personality and charisma on that first meet.

Anyone I haven't felt that with on first meet, and have pushed through because they had a lot of green ticks and were good, available guys...I eventually find myself pulling away and don't want to be touched or affectionate with them because at the end of the day, the attraction wasn't there to begin with.

So personally, I think you know instantly and in my experience it doesn't really grow over time.

SGBK4862 · 30/12/2023 17:26

I think there has to be some attraction from the start though that can arise from feeling a connection as much as physical attributes, in my experience. Though I definitely made mistakes when dating - spent over 2 years with someone I liked as a friend but never really fancied. It was kind of a relationship of convenience in the end - suited me to have a partner at the time to ward off loneliness and have someone to do things with. I flirted with other guys and cheated on him emotionally before finally breaking up. Wouldn't recommend.

Trust your instincts!

IdontPracticeSanteria · 30/12/2023 17:34

Interesting post OP.

I say that, as it sounds like I am a lot like yourself.

I've just been dipping my toe again into the dating world after the end of a relationship.

I've chinned them all off after the first date, as I just didn't feel that 'chemistry' or butterflies, as you say.
But they all wanted to see me again.

I too, have only had relationships with men I really fancied and felt the above, and have been wondering myself if that is why they end up to be 'wrong uns'.

The thing is, I've always been like this. And I'm in my mid 30's now, so I don't know if it will change. I've always been an 'All or nothing' person. Including with relationships.

It seems I'd rather be alone and single than contemplate entertaining a man that I don't feel that immediate, passionate chemistry with.

Original poster
ExDebate · 30/12/2023 17:49

@mindutopia this is exactly it. I'm so used to the rush of emotions and not knowing where I stand. Even the long term relationship we had was so up and down, I have actually seeked therapy and have been doing self work and reading.

In terms of fancying them, yes they all all attractive, and amazing personalities, I just don't have this crazy feeling about them. This is making me question myself whether is me and my progress in getting more stable and secure with myself and choosing secure men rather than the drama? I was warned it will feel strange at first and might take years before I fully let go of the need for the up and down toxicity. Hearing some positive stories is really helpful, feel like they all deserve at least one more date with the right mindset.

OP posts:
Shiningout · 30/12/2023 18:00

I've never really fancied any of my partners at a first glance. I'm not exactly a supermodel myself and know how much personality counts so I don't expect to necessarily go out with amazing looking blokes (as they tend to partner up with really attractive women!)

purpledaze24 · 30/12/2023 19:42

ExDebate · 30/12/2023 17:49

@mindutopia this is exactly it. I'm so used to the rush of emotions and not knowing where I stand. Even the long term relationship we had was so up and down, I have actually seeked therapy and have been doing self work and reading.

In terms of fancying them, yes they all all attractive, and amazing personalities, I just don't have this crazy feeling about them. This is making me question myself whether is me and my progress in getting more stable and secure with myself and choosing secure men rather than the drama? I was warned it will feel strange at first and might take years before I fully let go of the need for the up and down toxicity. Hearing some positive stories is really helpful, feel like they all deserve at least one more date with the right mindset.

It sounds like maybe you aren’t completely over your ex yet, do you find yourself comparing the new men to him? If that’s the case it probably means you need some more time by yourself and with friends and doing things you enjoy. I know that before I was over my ex (even though towards the end our sexual attraction was zero) I still loved them, I couldn’t find anyone else attractive, even people I know I would have, had I been completely over my ex. So maybe just give it more time

Blinkityblonk · 30/12/2023 19:49

I think you need to carry on doing the therapy and working out what you want. They can't all be 'attractive' and have great 'personalities' in exactly the same way, there must be some differences between them, and perhaps one you fancy a bit more, or one who has a personality that's quite captivating in some way, or even one you think you would have similar values/lifestyle to yourself.

I'd have a good think about what exactly it is you are looking for- and if none of them are quite it, but all are nice, reasonable looking and have great personalities, clearly this is a type that isn't hard to find for you...

I have dated a lot of men and I wouldn't go on a date with someone I didn't really fancy after a couple of dates, I reckon you could find the whole package if you have already found three middling to fair men!

Blinkityblonk · 30/12/2023 19:50

I suppose I mean there's no reason to compromise at this point, is there, if there's quite a lot of men who meet your criteria. If you are still hung up on your ex, you probably won't like anyone for a while.

Naptrappedmummy · 30/12/2023 19:59

Yes. But you can’t make it happen. Years ago I started working with somebody who wasn’t just plain looking but probably actually ugly. Definitely below average anyway. We had/have the strongest chemistry I’ve ever had with anyone - it’s hard to describe because you can’t put your finger on why, but we’re like 2 magnets who just fit together. I was, and still am, wildly attracted to him even though my DP is much more conventionally handsome. I know he feels the same about me but we cannot act on it as we are both settled. So yes in a word.

Ponderingwindow · 30/12/2023 20:00

For me, sexual attraction has always come after establishing friendship and intellectual connection. I’ve never understood how people can find someone sexually appealing without knowing them as a person.

EarthSight · 30/12/2023 20:11

and apparently chemistry and butterflies meant to be body's response to warn again the person rather than to show they are the one

Was that some kind of religious self-help book? 🤔Sounds like utter nonsense to me.

Physical attraction is meant to make you want to have sex, which leads to reproduction. Unfortunately, you might have been unlucky so far in that you prioritised that over personality, or let it blind you to warning signs you otherwise would have spotted or taken seriously. Some women are particularly attracted to unavailable, bad boy men, so that's bad, and they find the anxiety & drama of it all to be appealing, but chemistry and butterflies aren't a bad thing in themselves.

What's important is that you at least like the look of a man and find him sexy, but it doesn't have to be rip-off clothes type of attraction. Careful you don't end up like some women who 'settle' for someone safe, only to detest having sex with them once the years go by.

BibbityBobbety · 30/12/2023 20:28

The best advice my parents gave me was to choose a man who's face you really liked looking at, because it's what you'd be waking up to for 50 years. And if you didn't find the face attractive at the start, they'd get on every last nerve by the 7 year mark if not much much sooner.

I ignored their advice and married someone I really liked as a person, and they were conventionally attractive but I was never attracted to them. I loved them as a dear friend, but wasn't in love with them. We ended up divorcing because without that attraction/deep love we just didn't have enough to get us through the bumps. And i started getting annoyed at things I know I wouldn't normally because something felt missing. I decided to divorce as he deserved more from a partner and so did I.

I'm now getting married again to someone who's face I really fancy. I didn't have 'rip your clothes off' attraction when i first met him for a date, but by the end of the date he kissed me and I didn't want it to stop. This was also coupled by his personality, conversation etc but without physical attraction we would have left the date as good friends. I still love staring at him many years later and fully understand what my parents meant. So no I don't think you can fall in love with someone you aren't physically attracted to and eventually the relationship will fall apart (not least because they'll sense the lack of attraction and feel insecure).

If you're only attracted to emotionally unavailable men then you will need to do some therapy. Because you can't force yourself to be attracted to people, and only introspection and unpicking your attachment style will fix the problem.

Ä°cantusethat · 30/12/2023 20:32

Maybe. For some people, sexual attraction follows emotional closeness. Ä°me, attraction can grow over time.

Mambo1986 · 30/12/2023 20:38

might not be what you want to hear but you basically choose to either be the adored or the adorer both have advantages. If you choose to be the adorer you experience true love but will be with someone who can replace you easily and because men be men if women throw themselves at them most don’t resist so usually end up kind of competing for their love which is exhausting and heartbreaking. Or you be the adored which means you don’t feel the true love feeling like to someone all the women want but usually they will crawl over broken glass to make you happy, don’t get the intense feelings but it gives you more control and control = contentment. Only the small minority of really attractive people can have both really, everyone else has to pick their poison.

theduchessofspork · 30/12/2023 20:43

I really don’t think chemistry / butterflies are a sign you need to avoid someone - what are you reading?!?! -

I think giving it 3 dates is a good idea, and a little longer for anyone with whom you have even the semblance of a spark or you just feel you want to see them again. There is such a thing as a slow burn.

When you talked about not trusting chemistry that’s based on bad choices in the past then I get it - but would maybe not run all 3 at once though, it might make it hard to read signals.

theduchessofspork · 30/12/2023 20:43

Mambo1986 · 30/12/2023 20:38

might not be what you want to hear but you basically choose to either be the adored or the adorer both have advantages. If you choose to be the adorer you experience true love but will be with someone who can replace you easily and because men be men if women throw themselves at them most don’t resist so usually end up kind of competing for their love which is exhausting and heartbreaking. Or you be the adored which means you don’t feel the true love feeling like to someone all the women want but usually they will crawl over broken glass to make you happy, don’t get the intense feelings but it gives you more control and control = contentment. Only the small minority of really attractive people can have both really, everyone else has to pick their poison.

You what?!

Mambo1986 · 30/12/2023 20:50

I mean think about you obviously can see in the world there are way more attractive decent women than there are men so someone has to be settling or share the same men. It’s math

purpledaze24 · 30/12/2023 20:50

BibbityBobbety · 30/12/2023 20:28

The best advice my parents gave me was to choose a man who's face you really liked looking at, because it's what you'd be waking up to for 50 years. And if you didn't find the face attractive at the start, they'd get on every last nerve by the 7 year mark if not much much sooner.

I ignored their advice and married someone I really liked as a person, and they were conventionally attractive but I was never attracted to them. I loved them as a dear friend, but wasn't in love with them. We ended up divorcing because without that attraction/deep love we just didn't have enough to get us through the bumps. And i started getting annoyed at things I know I wouldn't normally because something felt missing. I decided to divorce as he deserved more from a partner and so did I.

I'm now getting married again to someone who's face I really fancy. I didn't have 'rip your clothes off' attraction when i first met him for a date, but by the end of the date he kissed me and I didn't want it to stop. This was also coupled by his personality, conversation etc but without physical attraction we would have left the date as good friends. I still love staring at him many years later and fully understand what my parents meant. So no I don't think you can fall in love with someone you aren't physically attracted to and eventually the relationship will fall apart (not least because they'll sense the lack of attraction and feel insecure).

If you're only attracted to emotionally unavailable men then you will need to do some therapy. Because you can't force yourself to be attracted to people, and only introspection and unpicking your attachment style will fix the problem.

Yes, this. It sounds shallow to boil it down to a face but for me people’s faces are mostly what you look at, especially your partner’s. Obviously there needs to be many other things at play but if you don’t find that face attractive (not necessarily in a conventional way - my sister is weirdly attracted to people with a lazy eye! And I love a flared nostril 🤣) but a face that ignites some sort of spark in you is probably one of the most important things. We’re just primal beings after all. You can’t force it

Glassflour · 30/12/2023 20:54

i think it’s what keeps me and my DH’s relationship going so well. We fancy the life out of each other 3 years into marriage and with a 6 month old. I still get that want to rip his clothes off feeling every time I see him.

Namchanged · 30/12/2023 20:56

Yeah my ex isn’t a looker

Princessfluffy · 30/12/2023 21:00

I've either fancied someone like mad before we've even spoken, or for the slower burners I've always wanted to be
physically touchy with them even if I didn't think I fancied them at the beginning. So I'm always physically drawn to people on some level or another from the start if it's going to go anywhere.

Blinkityblonk · 30/12/2023 21:03

When I was young and fickle we used to divide men into 'yes' (rip clothes off immediately type fancying) 'maybe' (could be a grower, could not, nothing put you off about them) and 'never in a million years' (self-explanatory). You can shift a 'maybe' into a relationship sometimes if you get to know them better, they can go either way, but you can't go anywhere with the last category, even if they are conventionally good-looking. It's worth dating 'maybe' guys more than a few times sometimes as then you end up knowing which way the things will go, at one point you either fancy them or they shift into 'ugh' and you can move on.

Original poster
ExDebate · 30/12/2023 21:17

@purpledaze24 we still fancy each other, we had slept which each other since breaking up. He says he still has feeling for me as do I for him but we are very bad for each other and completely unsuitable. We had terrible relationship and plenty of problems. So yes I'm not fully over him.

OP posts: