Can you fall in love with someone you are not physically attracted to?

[ExDebate]

Post ex drama, I have decided to start dating. I have met 3 guys, all of whom are lovely, tick most if not all boxes on personality levels but I just don't feel attracted to them. Not to the level of wanting to get them into bed and rip their clothes off. Then again, I have been reading about relationships and attachments and apparently chemistry and butterflies meant to be body's response to warn again the person rather than to show they are the one. I have always dated men I really fancied and every relationship has fallen apart as they are never emotionally available and certainly don't tick even half the boxes on personality level.

So mumsnetters, did you fall in love with a guy you didn't necessarily fancy? Did you make it work and had/ have fulfilling relationships?

I’ve known men before (just in life, not dating) who on first meeting I noted finding physically unattractive. Not just neutral but – he doesn’t have an attractive face.

One I remember thinking – it’s a good job I don’t find him attractive or I’d be done for (he had an amazing personality). Well anyway, I completely fell for him. And of course, once the attraction was there, I loved the way he looked, because it was him, and also noticed things I hadn’t before – gorgeous eyes, perfect skin. That being said, there was a fairly quick turnaround on this – within a week I knew I liked him!

Another man similarly I didn’t have any attraction to and even found him quite unattractive (I thought it). Over time (months / a year or so) as I knew him better and we became friends, I became more attracted to him as a person – he had a unique and engaging personality, very intelligent and witty, very charismatic and warm. And once I knew him he just sort of looked different, and fit.

I’ve also had 3 LTRs where I pretty much knew instantly that I was strongly attracted to the guy (and not long after we were together).

So a mixed bag!

200% i found it strange with my husband because of no toxic love bombing. He is attractive but no bullshit so the Buzz grew more slowly

Sorry but what a load of nonsense!

"@Mambo1986 might not be what you want to hear but you basically choose to either be the adored or the adorer both have advantages. If you choose to be the adorer you experience true love but will be with someone who can replace you easily and because men be men if women throw themselves at them most don’t resist so usually end up kind of competing for their love which is exhausting and heartbreaking. Or you be the adored which means you don’t feel the true love feeling like to someone all the women want but usually they will crawl over broken glass to make you happy, don’t get the intense feelings but it gives you more control and control = contentment. Only the small minority of really attractive people can have both really, everyone else has to pick their poison"

I agree with this.

@ExDebate - not RTFT but noticed that you have said this:

“Not sure if I don't find them attractive because they are nice and secure men rather than toxic unavailable players? All respectful, no love bombing, no crazy promises, no touchy feely. Completely opposite of what I have ever dated.“

This may well be at least part of the problem. Have you read “Women Who Love Too Much” by Robin Norwood? If not, i think you might find some useful insights in there.

@Dery I have read this, it was recommended on one of my previous post ref the ex hence why I said above that we are very bad for each other and I know better to avoid him. This is also what's prompted my comment whether the attraction to toxic was what is stopping me from moving on with decent guy.

@LaurieStrode @disappearingfish that all makes sense. But in OLD you are getting to know someone with the specific purpose to have a relationship with them. You might make friends with someone you meet OLD but it's not the same as an IRL situation...

I think it depends, if I actually found someone unattractive and a bit boring then no.

Also agree that you need to cut them loose if you are not attracted to them on the dating scene. Feelings and attraction can develop naturally between friends or colleagues that spend time together. But I don’t think you should date, hoping that something will develop.

The lazy eye part just made me spit my tea out 😂🙌

chemistry and butterflies meant to be body's response to warn again the person

OP where is this written? It is total BS. I can confidently assert that after conducting my own body of research in my younger years.

However I do think people can grow on you after a slow start, and butterflies etc can come a bit later. You fall in “love” (attraction) and a love-goggles effect is applied. Sometimes I look back at exes and think, well he was a bit weird. But at the time I’m entranced.

I think @Mambo1986 is right about lovers and lovees. But I think that’s more relevant to LTRs and it isn’t always immediately apparent who is who in the honeymoon stage imo.

@Mambo1986 has touched on something that I've not seen mentioned on relationships boards, but it does ring bells for me. I know I have to be the adored one in a relationship, I'm also capable of adoring someone back but only if reciprocal. As soon as I know someone isn't totally into me, I'm out the door. It's not necessarily a good quality. I'd rather be alone though than go round liking some person who isn't into me completely.

Yeah I actually think that post made a lot of sense.

Sure it applies to some people, but saying it applies to everyone (as the original poster did) and ‘only the very few most attractive people’ are capable of having reciprocal relationships is nonsense.

When I first met dh we got on extremely well but I don’t think we fancied each other particularly. Things changed within a month or so, now been together 15 years.
I think it’s reasonable to give it a few weeks but if you’re still not wanting to have sex by then, then I think it’s going to be difficult.