Managing a relationship with someone who has a child

[Shopaholic107]

Before I get into the issue this is some background - My boyfriend has a 9 year old son and he’s been split from the child’s mother for about 7 years. We’ve been dating for roughly 7 months now and I’ll be meeting his son in the next month. I don’t have children. He has his child every Tuesday night and every second weekend. He also takes him to his football practice and his games during the week and at weekends. I know he loves spending time with him and one of the reasons I love him is that he’s a very devoted father. Aside from his child, he has a regular night a week which he spends with friends and he also absolutely loves a particular football team and follows them avidly - so if they play then he’ll be watching the game or at it. I have a pretty active social life and go to the gym a few nights a week. However, unless I have set plans with friends or family my schedule is usually quite flexible.

What I’m looking for thoughts on is whether or not I’m justified to be annoyed when he cancels plans last minute to see his son. And also when he doesn’t factor me into his schedule when he agrees to take his son for additional days. This has happened quite a few times over the past few months and seems to be becoming more frequent. These aren’t emergency situations, it’s usually last minute requests from his ex due to her working late or having something on that she forgot about, or from the son himself because he wants to see his dad. He doesn’t really apologise for letting me down or try to rearrange our time together. And if we haven’t seen each other for a week or so because of this he wouldn’t change his regular night with his friends or not watch a football game so we can spend time together. I know I’ll always come second to his child, but right now I also feel fourth to his pals and his team.

I’m a bit peeved at the moment specifically because he assured me he’d see me last night, but then messaged during the day yesterday to say his son asked to stay with him. He had stayed with him the night before and will also be staying with him
for the next three nights too so we couldn’t rearrange us seeing each other. He didn’t even say that meant he’d have to cancel our plans - I just had to figure that out. This comes after a conversation I had with him a couple of weeks ago where I pointed out that we wouldn’t be seeing each other from Christmas Day until 4th Jan because of his commitments to his son, friends and football. So last night was the one night he said he’d make sure we seen each other.

I’m just wondering if I’m being unreasonable in being upset and angry with him for all of this. I don’t have kids myself so I don’t know if this is what I should expect from someone with a child. I know it might get easier when I meet his child but I also don’t want to infringe on his time with his dad too much.

If I was single and had no children I wouldn’t date a man with children. Why bother with all the hassle?

The schedule should be set according to what's workable. If he can have his son more then the schedule should be 50:50. It's sounds like it ought to be anyway.

But even then, on the days he's childfree, he needs to protect them if he wants to be able to put the necessary effort into starting a new relationship.

It's just not fair on a new partner to expect them to hang around in the background until you can fit them in whenever you've not got something else on. No self-respecting woman should settle for such a paltry offer.

When I settled for it, I had no self-respect. Now I do and I simply wouldn't accept being shoved to the bottom of the pile every time.

It doesn't have to be set around what's workable.
Different things work for different people. Some people prefer a more casual arrangement and it works for their kids too.

This man clearly isn't bothered putting his energy and effort into a new relationship at all but for some reason you blame it on him feeling 'guilt' and having no boundaries with the ex. No it just sounds like he can't be arsed and everything else comes first.

I agree completely that it's not fair on a new partner to only try to fit them in when you've nothing else going on, but my issue is that you put it down to issues with the ex and her changing the schedule. It's the man who is to blame here, not the ex.

but my issue is that you put it down to issues with the ex and her changing the schedule. It's the man who is to blame here, not the ex

I've said it's his fault. It's his poor boundaries. He can't say no to anything or anyone, except OP apparently.

There's nothing to suggest that it's a boundaries issue at all.

Sounds like he wants to have his son, watch football and see his friends, so that's what he does.