Managing a relationship with someone who has a child

[Shopaholic107]

Before I get into the issue this is some background - My boyfriend has a 9 year old son and he’s been split from the child’s mother for about 7 years. We’ve been dating for roughly 7 months now and I’ll be meeting his son in the next month. I don’t have children. He has his child every Tuesday night and every second weekend. He also takes him to his football practice and his games during the week and at weekends. I know he loves spending time with him and one of the reasons I love him is that he’s a very devoted father. Aside from his child, he has a regular night a week which he spends with friends and he also absolutely loves a particular football team and follows them avidly - so if they play then he’ll be watching the game or at it. I have a pretty active social life and go to the gym a few nights a week. However, unless I have set plans with friends or family my schedule is usually quite flexible.

What I’m looking for thoughts on is whether or not I’m justified to be annoyed when he cancels plans last minute to see his son. And also when he doesn’t factor me into his schedule when he agrees to take his son for additional days. This has happened quite a few times over the past few months and seems to be becoming more frequent. These aren’t emergency situations, it’s usually last minute requests from his ex due to her working late or having something on that she forgot about, or from the son himself because he wants to see his dad. He doesn’t really apologise for letting me down or try to rearrange our time together. And if we haven’t seen each other for a week or so because of this he wouldn’t change his regular night with his friends or not watch a football game so we can spend time together. I know I’ll always come second to his child, but right now I also feel fourth to his pals and his team.

I’m a bit peeved at the moment specifically because he assured me he’d see me last night, but then messaged during the day yesterday to say his son asked to stay with him. He had stayed with him the night before and will also be staying with him
for the next three nights too so we couldn’t rearrange us seeing each other. He didn’t even say that meant he’d have to cancel our plans - I just had to figure that out. This comes after a conversation I had with him a couple of weeks ago where I pointed out that we wouldn’t be seeing each other from Christmas Day until 4th Jan because of his commitments to his son, friends and football. So last night was the one night he said he’d make sure we seen each other.

I’m just wondering if I’m being unreasonable in being upset and angry with him for all of this. I don’t have kids myself so I don’t know if this is what I should expect from someone with a child. I know it might get easier when I meet his child but I also don’t want to infringe on his time with his dad too much.

Never date a football fan if you don't like football. It consumes the conversation, their time and often their emotions.

Other than that a 7 month relationship is far too early to be meeting his son, especially if you aren't sure of where the relationship is headed. Dropping everything for his son is the right thing for him to do but doesn't mean you are compatible.

You sound like you are thoughtful and considerate though. If you do decide to continue the relationship a little longer then that's ok but I'd really put off meeting his son until at the very minimum the 12 month mark or even better, a couple of months before you move-in together if you get to that stage. Certainly do not meet him whilst you have doubts in these early days.

I agree that she shouldn't meet the son if she has doubts but I don't think 7 months is too early in every case. In fact, I see a lot of posters who waited a year to meet the kids then realised their partner was a terrible parent, no discipline, spoiled kids and a lot of Disney Dadding.

The fact that he drops everything if his ex asks shows either he's still entwined with his ex or he has dad guilt. Dad guilt is never a good sign and means the kid probably isn't parented properly by dad.

I would be happy with him seeing his son, as he should always be priority. But I would be less happy with the inflexibility round football.

He only had his son a small amount of time so I can see why he facilitates last minute childcare. If it was 50/50 with his ex it would be more of a piss take. You can't ask him to reduce time with his son when he only sees him a short time to begin with.

YABU if you expect him to prioritise you over his son. His relationship with his son should come before you and him, anyone willing to put a 7 month relationship over their child I would hugely frown upon. The football I guess you would have to see how that went further down the line, people are allowed hobbies and social lives. You just have to figure out if you can make that work for you

His son will always be first priority so it isn't even worth bringing up the last minute cancellations for his son. That will never change and you can't really expect him to change that. Any resentment towards this will change after you've met his son, as you will be able to be part of the plans, however I understand this presents a difficult decision whether you risk meeting the son at all if you don't think the friends/football priorities can change.

I completely sympathise with the frustration of having so much available time for someone who's life doesn't permit much time for you. It's a very head vs heart decision. As you know it will affect you long term if this doesn't change and you deserve more.

I think it's worth one last conversation. Does he cancel on his friends/football obligations easily for his son as well or is it just you do you think?

What I’m looking for thoughts on is whether or not I’m justified to be annoyed when he cancels plans last minute to see his son. And also when he doesn’t factor me into his schedule when he agrees to take his son for additional days

When you are in a relationship with a father (a good one), you will never ever be number 1 priority. You will be revolved around their child and what they're doing, not the other way around. Some parents might try to juggle their child with having a romantic partner that is not their child's other parent as much as possible, but this will be their priority -

1. Their child
2. The mother of their child
3. You

They might really dislike their ex, but their ex will always be the mother of their child and will always have some kind of sway on them when the child is growing up.

This is why my dating pool is so incredibly small - I don't have kids and don't want to get involved with another man where I am not his first priority, where I have to sacrifice things and revolve my plans around a child that isn't mine. It's just too unbalanced of a relationship.

Does he cancel on his friends/football obligations easily for his son as well or is it just you?

this is the exact question I was going to type. If not, it’s not really about prioritising his son, it’s a limited interest in the relationship with you. It’s noticeable that it was you who pointed out that you wouldn’t see each other between Christmas and Jan 4th, and then he promised a day to see you. Why hadn’t he figured out how to work you into the plans himself? He would have done if seeing you was important to him. When men are keen they figure it out.

This is just not true. In this guy's case, yeah it does seem to be this way but I don't agree that it should be. Maybe a 7 month relationship shouldn't take priority initially but I don't agree that the child should always be the priority. If the relationship is serious and looks to be heading towards marriage etc then it should absolutely take priority, at least some of the time. My DH has 2 of his kids 50/50 and the oldest full-time. Our marriage takes priority as it is the foundation of our happy family unit. If our marriage isn't nurtured then it risks falling apart which affects the kids. That doesn't mean they aren't a priority or that we just do what we like. It does mean that our couple time is important and if the ex asks for us to have the kids extra days when we already have plans, she is told no. She is far from a priority in our lives. Ultimately, kids grow up, leave and have their own families. If you haven't taken the time to nurture your marriage you won't be left with much once the kids up and leave. I also don't think that it's healthy for kids to be brought up thinking the world revolves around them and their parents should be at their beck and call.

Neither of you are wrong, but you aren’t compatible. You sound very considered and sensible though, good luck whatever you choose to do

Of course his son should be put first, that’s a given. However prioritising him doesn’t mean dropping everything else for him. If it was an emergency or he needed something sure, but he shouldn’t be cancelling plans with you and rearranging with the child’s mother with no consideration for you. I doubt he’s doing this when it comes to his friends/football. He’s using his child as an excuse imo because he knows it’s harder to argue against, “oh I’m putting my child first”. You are a 4/5th if that.
On a separate note you really don’t want to be with a guy with a kid when you don’t, trust me on that one. Get a guy who puts you first

I have a kind of a situationship with a man with children who also drops everything when either the ex changes plans or the youngest child wants to come to his house or stay there even after a week or more (there is no routine or schedule at all, the child dictates which in itself I don't think is idea). So it is very difficult to make plans and every plan is provisional. I also have children but have a much more structured routine which is rarely changed and which the children happily go along with because they like to know where they stand. As things stand, this will never develop into a proper relationship which is hugely frustrating because we are a great fit in lots of ways and think the world of each other. I occasionally see him and we have a great time together and on the whole, my life is better with him in it and we have a long history together. But if I had my time over or was at your stage OP, I would walk away before you get even more sidelined and hurt. It is NOT that he doesn't have space for you in his life. As is the case with 'my' guy, he is choosing to not prioritise you and to order his life in a way that puts you behind multiple aspects of his life. His son is of course the most understandable and the most easy to accept but is also a choice and doesn't have to be like that - he could up the time he spends with him in a more structured way so he's not living off scraps of time and therefore can be more protective of his 3 or 4 days he doesn't have his son, for example.

The ex is not a priority. She should have her own life separate from her ex with her own priorities that are nothing to do with her ex, and most ex partners do.

Their child is a priority for them both.

There should also be sufficient structure barring emergencies so the child knows well in advance what parent they are with when.

Children who grow up not knowing which parent they are seeing when grow up anxious and can have worse problems.

Anyway the problem in this case is football.

The child is just an excuse to tell the OP she is low down.

Thanks everyone. To respond to some questions - his son is also football mad so if he has him when a game is on then they watch or go to it together. He doesn’t need to put football in front of him as it’s a joint activity.

With regards to his regular weekly catch up with friends, he did cancel one week because his ex was recovering from an operation and was unwell. That’s the only time I can recall but it’s not something I’ve really kept tabs on.

I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed with it today tbh and trying to take a step back to make sure I don’t do anything rash. I also want to enjoy new year without dwelling on this too much for the next couple of days. He has his son and we wont be seeing each other until at least Thursday so that gives me some time to enjoy the new year with my friends and family and to work out how I feel about this and if I see things working out.

If he's cancelling more often lately with various excuses, he could be doing a slow fade, but you can't really know and it puts you in an awkward position of not knowing. That's not a comfortable way to live. So standing back is wise at this point. Don't leave windows open for him, arrange things with family and friends and see if he tries to arrange getting together, if his meet suggestion clashes with something you are doing, don't change your plans for him, just say you are busy doing x and offer an alternative.

it's a crap excuse and I would not give him a second chances.

No please, its only 7 months in, you can do better.

A devoted father should be putting his son first. I'd wonder if he genuinely does take his son all the times he cancels plans with you though or is it just a convenient excuse?
Seems very odd to want to introduce you after only 7 months considering you seem to be a bit of an after thought to the rest of his life, even putting you behind football and his friends.

If he was a devoted dad, he should be really serious about you before introducing you to his child, but if he was really serious about you you wouldn't be put last behind football and his friends so it's not really adding up at all.

I've been in this exact position before and the problem is ultimately that he has no boundaries with his ex.

She can obviously change up the schedule whenever she feels like it and he feels obliged to comply out of guilt.

If he had stronger boundaries he would be able to say, no sorry not tonight, I already have plans. But he can't say that and he probably never will. Even less attractive for you is that he can't say it to his footie mates either.

The PP above who said he had no business starting a relationship is right. He's not in a position to invest properly in developing a solid relationship with you. He's saying loud and clear that he wants someone undemanding who will just slot in around the dynamic between him and his ex and his child (and his football). Hardly a great offer when you look at it like that.

You're a person in your own right and you're allowed to want to feel like a priority. You're not just a convenience human so that he can tick the girlfriend box (and probably eventually wangle childcare out of you).

He even puts his mates before you ?.
Can understand his son being first priority but not his football friends.
Think more of yourself and chalk this one down to experience. Find yourself a man that deserves you.

@HunterBidensBurnerPhone

I've been in this exact position before and the problem is ultimately that he has no boundaries with his ex.

She can obviously change up the schedule whenever she feels like it and he feels obliged to comply out of guilt.

The current agreement is every Tuesday and EOW which is a bit of a joke tbh if he was to just stick with that.
Of course the ex is going to need to change up the schedule every now and again unless she can make sure that any working late or unexpected things that come up all happen just on a Tuesday or EOW.

Saying that him taking the child more means he has no boundaries with his ex is making it sound like the child is a burden and the child is the mothers job and the dad is just doing the mother a favour.

@Panaa I agree. Unless the parenting is shared 50/50 the other parent should absolutely expect to have their child more if needed.

Its very hard and this is why dating is tricky
hes 10000% right to put his son first

and there is no rush for you to meet his son

but it’s an imbalance , neither if you are wrong

but you might have pinned your flag on the wrong man for what you need right now

Husbands ex used to change dates in us or tell us wrong dates for stuff but the kids always came first. Sometimes I thought it was to cause trouble. But it never did. The friends coming first is the unacceptable part. Maybe he doesnt want a serious relationship. Hes been divorced 7 years. Time to do some thinking

I started seeing someone like this. He initially told me his two sones were his priority and always would be. No problem for me and was a massive tick that he was an involved father. Also I have two sons so didn't really want a 'full on relationship' more someone to have fun with and go out and have fun with. He told me he had his sons every Thursday and every other weekend Friday to Sunday lunchtime, all good. However after the first few months when he did prioritise me to a certain extent his true schedule became apparent as follows:

Monday evening took eldest son to and from football
Tuesday evening took youngest son to and from football
Wednesday evening played badminton with ex brother-in-law
Thursday - had sons
Friday had sons/went to pub with neighbours
Saturday had sons/went out with friends
Sunday This was the only time I was allocated in the evening (because he played golf all day with his friends if he didn't have his sons.)

However our Sunday evening soiree involved me going to his house where he was in his casual house clothes as he was tired after a busy weekend watching tv and eating a ready meal!!! Interestingly when I was seeing him initially and making an effort he told me how his ex wife had wanted him to have his boys of Valentines day night so she could go out with her boyfriend and he'd said 'no because he was seeing me. Two months later I asked if we could out one Sunday evening as it was my birthday. He was non committal at first and then two days before cancelled because his ex wife wanted him to have the boys. I also suggested that we could maybe do something on the odd Saturday in stead of him seeing his friends but this was a flat out 'no' as he didn't want to 'drop his friends' which wasn't what I was saying.

The writing was on the wall so I ended it. Basically he wanted to live his life how he wanted to and I was way down the priority list. He ultimately didn't have space in his life for a relationship. He also sulked when he unexpectedly had a free Weds evening (with only 2 days notice) and I couldn't see him because I was working!

Yes, perhaps the agreement is that the mother knows for sure she has every Tuesday off and EOW.......and that the rest of the week it's generally her but he is there as and when needed or if the son wants to see him.

There's a whole narrative on here a lot of the time that if a man looks after his child for more than the agreed set days that that means the mother is taking the piss and that the dad is just a pushover who can't say no, which is just ridiculous.