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Original poster

Managing a relationship with someone who has a child

55 replies

Shopaholic107 · 29/12/2023 15:13

Before I get into the issue this is some background - My boyfriend has a 9 year old son and he’s been split from the child’s mother for about 7 years. We’ve been dating for roughly 7 months now and I’ll be meeting his son in the next month. I don’t have children. He has his child every Tuesday night and every second weekend. He also takes him to his football practice and his games during the week and at weekends. I know he loves spending time with him and one of the reasons I love him is that he’s a very devoted father. Aside from his child, he has a regular night a week which he spends with friends and he also absolutely loves a particular football team and follows them avidly - so if they play then he’ll be watching the game or at it. I have a pretty active social life and go to the gym a few nights a week. However, unless I have set plans with friends or family my schedule is usually quite flexible.

What I’m looking for thoughts on is whether or not I’m justified to be annoyed when he cancels plans last minute to see his son. And also when he doesn’t factor me into his schedule when he agrees to take his son for additional days. This has happened quite a few times over the past few months and seems to be becoming more frequent. These aren’t emergency situations, it’s usually last minute requests from his ex due to her working late or having something on that she forgot about, or from the son himself because he wants to see his dad. He doesn’t really apologise for letting me down or try to rearrange our time together. And if we haven’t seen each other for a week or so because of this he wouldn’t change his regular night with his friends or not watch a football game so we can spend time together. I know I’ll always come second to his child, but right now I also feel fourth to his pals and his team.

I’m a bit peeved at the moment specifically because he assured me he’d see me last night, but then messaged during the day yesterday to say his son asked to stay with him. He had stayed with him the night before and will also be staying with him
for the next three nights too so we couldn’t rearrange us seeing each other. He didn’t even say that meant he’d have to cancel our plans - I just had to figure that out. This comes after a conversation I had with him a couple of weeks ago where I pointed out that we wouldn’t be seeing each other from Christmas Day until 4th Jan because of his commitments to his son, friends and football. So last night was the one night he said he’d make sure we seen each other.

I’m just wondering if I’m being unreasonable in being upset and angry with him for all of this. I don’t have kids myself so I don’t know if this is what I should expect from someone with a child. I know it might get easier when I meet his child but I also don’t want to infringe on his time with his dad too much.

OP posts:
SeulementUneFois · 29/12/2023 15:17

Run.
He'll never put you first.
And it seems nor second nor third.

category12 · 29/12/2023 15:19

Well, I'd give him benefit of the doubt, even credit for, child-related changes in plans - but the fact that he isn't apologetic, doesn't offer to make it up to you and won't be flexible about football or friends isn't good.

It seems like he's expecting you to do all the flexing and fitting around of his life, while he doesn't make room for you at all.

I think I'd be out.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 29/12/2023 15:23

Something doesn't add up here. He only has his child 1 weekday night and EOW - that's a really minimal amount of time for someone who describes himself as a "devoted dad" 🤔

That aside, I would give this man a swerve. He just sounds like he's not in a position, or doesn't have the desire, to have anything but a casual relationship.

Algorhythum · 29/12/2023 15:24

It is normal and healthy for him to prioritise his son. There are many men who don’t. You have been together for only 7 months. ..there is no saying you’ll always be together. His son will be in his life forever, and so it HAS to be his primary relationship. At 9 if he needs his dad then thats where his dad should be.

I have kids, been with my partner for 4 years. He totally gets this and accepts it, he’s now part of their lives too, which makes things a lot easier to juggle…had he been annoyed with me about needing to put my kids first in the early days we wouldnt have lasted. For him the rest of what we had was worth it until we could live a more settled life…I guess that needs to be your decision now.

Reugny · 29/12/2023 15:24

Unless you support the same football team as him, you are not compatible.

So time to throw him back.

Coffeeandanap · 29/12/2023 15:25

You’re not unreasonable to feel like that but at the same time, at least as far as his son is concerned, it’s to be expected and understandable. His son should be a priority and you should come after him.
I think I’d be more annoyed about coming also below football and friends every time. It’s reasonable that he has the time with them & is really healthy, but if he is showing you all of the time that you fall as an optional if he doesn’t have football or something with friends, that wouldn’t sit well with me.
I personally wouldn’t get involved with someone with a child if I didn’t have children myself as I think this can be difficult navigate.
Completely agree that you shouldn’t expect you will feature when his son has met you, it’s highly unlikely as you rightly point out, that is father/son time, not father, son and girlfriend.

category12 · 29/12/2023 15:25

Reugny · 29/12/2023 15:24

Unless you support the same football team as him, you are not compatible.

So time to throw him back.

😂

Succinct and true.

Algorhythum · 29/12/2023 15:27

The other things (prioritising friends and football) are different. If he doesnt want to change this and compromise on it to be with you more then you need to decide if hes just being cautious or not that in to you. In your shoes I’d be asking directly about that.

HappFridays · 29/12/2023 15:27

It is difficult when you have a child and often have to drop plans at the last minute through illness/other parents work commitments etc
I am afraid you will always feel you are second best
I guess as the relationship progresses and you meet his son and become more involved then this will be a shared situation especially if you end up living together.
I am imaging your partner is trying to multi task and juggle everything, friends, hobbies, relationships and being a single dad.
You have to ask your self if you are committed to this relationship as not only are you taking on your partner but also his child

Reugny · 29/12/2023 15:31

@category12 the child coming first is normal, however for some people their sport - whether doing it, watching it or both - is just as important.

Therefore if you don't share exactly the same interest in football, rugby, cricket, cycling, triathlon, running, golf etc your relationship is going nowhere fast.

I say that as someone who was taken to the whole family annual Christmas time football match when I stayed at a university friend's years ago.

samestyle · 29/12/2023 15:40

If he always made time for you at the beginning of your relationship but not now, I'd say he's going off the idea of having a proper relationship with you, you also matter too and if he can't save some time for you without letting you down last minute, he isn't worth it. Get on with your own plans and don't drop everything just when he feels like seeing you. You are child free, choose someone who's more available.

GotthroughChristmas · 29/12/2023 15:45

It’s fair that he puts his son first - harder that he is prioritising friends and his sport over you . It didn’t seem like he has time for a relationship OP . I would look again

Original poster
Shopaholic107 · 29/12/2023 15:54

Thanks for all the replies. I definitely have some thinking to do! I might try and talk to him one more time and if things don’t get better then I’ll have to accept this might not be for me. I’ll make sure I do that before I meet his son because I really don’t want to be introduced when I’m feeling unsure.

OP posts:
Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 29/12/2023 15:57

He had no business starting a relationship op. Fwb is prob best you can hope for.

Pumpkinpie1 · 29/12/2023 16:02

Prioritising his relationship with his son is one thing, but putting a game of football and his mates over seeing you is a massive red flag. There was a reason why his marriage failed & was this inability to prioritise his relationship over football, the pub and his mates a factor?

category12 · 29/12/2023 16:14

Shopaholic107 · 29/12/2023 15:54

Thanks for all the replies. I definitely have some thinking to do! I might try and talk to him one more time and if things don’t get better then I’ll have to accept this might not be for me. I’ll make sure I do that before I meet his son because I really don’t want to be introduced when I’m feeling unsure.

That's very considerate, op.

Daleksatemyshed · 29/12/2023 18:38

I'd be taking a long, cold look at this relationship Op. Now you're past the initial dating he's stopped making you a priority of any kind, you're now in the queue behind his DS, his mates and his football team- his DS is understandable but a considerate man if he had his DS for extra days would drop something else to see you. I can predict your future @Shopaholic107 , you move in together and you'll still never know when you'll see him, probably never know when his DS will be there, get more resentful that you fell neglected and put upon and then it will all blow up in your face. Why don't you cut your losses and find a man who actually wants to spend some time with you?

Datingahhhhhhhh · 29/12/2023 20:05

@Shopaholic107 There is no point in talking to him “one more time” about anything. He is showing you who he is and how he wants to live his life. If he wanted to prioritise you then he would. It’s very telling he wasn’t like this in the beginning so he knows exactly what he’s doing. With regards to his son, I think part of the problem is that he only has one set day a week and then every other weekend so he doesn’t actually have a lot of “set” days. So that means if his son wants to see him extra he will just drop things for him, same with the ex as “officially” he doesn’t actually have his son a lot. This sort of schedule is fine if he wants to be single or just have FWB type situations but doesn’t work whilst trying to have a committed relationship. To make life less complicated why doesn’t he just up his “set” days? However, given the fact he’s also putting friends and football first over you, as a PP said, he has no business being in a relationship. He’s taking you for granted already after only 7 months together and the longer you stick around the worse it will get. Find a guy who wants to actually be with you without you having to beg for his time.

Illpickthatup · 29/12/2023 20:23

He's not putting his child before you he's putting his ex before you.

He's not in a position to be in a relationship if he can't manage to prioritise you as well. That's unlikely to change and if you ever complain he'll pull the "son comes first" card.

My DH has his kids over 50%. He plays football most Saturdays. He's always managed to make time for me and I've never been made to feel second best. If his ex asks for him to have the kids extra nights he always discusses it with me first. He'd never cancel plans we already had unless there was an emergency.

I'd cut him loose. Either find a man without kids or one who can manage both his kids and a romantic relationship, who doesn't pander to his ex.

Joy69 · 29/12/2023 22:28

Exactly what Datingahhhhhhhh said. Even if you have the chat, he will make an effort for a while & revert back. It's soul destroying for you & eventually lead to resentment. He should absolutely see his child, but with the arrangement that he has you will never be able to plan in advance to do couple things.
Find someone who wants you to be part of his life, not a bystander. You sound a lovely person & deserve more x

jimmyjammy001 · 29/12/2023 22:40

Sorry op but you seem very naive and clearly not dated someone with children before, you will allways come second, his kid will allways come first, that means cancelling on you at the last minute a hundred times in a row if need be, it will never change, listen to everyone who has experienced the same situation you are in right now, you are both at different stages in life, find your self someone who is childless like yourself and save your self the hassle of having to deal with all the problems and hassle that step children bring to a relationship

Illpickthatup · 29/12/2023 23:15

jimmyjammy001 · 29/12/2023 22:40

Sorry op but you seem very naive and clearly not dated someone with children before, you will allways come second, his kid will allways come first, that means cancelling on you at the last minute a hundred times in a row if need be, it will never change, listen to everyone who has experienced the same situation you are in right now, you are both at different stages in life, find your self someone who is childless like yourself and save your self the hassle of having to deal with all the problems and hassle that step children bring to a relationship

Not always. Some people are capable of prioritising both kids and a romantic partner.

Also, people often mistake putting the kids first when in fact they are actually putting their ex first. If he's cancelling plans because the ex forgot they'd made plans and now needs him to watch the kids that's prioritising the ex's needs, not the kids.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience, and it does seem to be quite common if you read the step-parenting board.

Original poster
Shopaholic107 · 30/12/2023 01:28

Thanks again for all the replies and advice. It’s been really helpful to get a few different thoughts and perspectives! I’m going to take a few days and think about everything before I decide exactly what I want to do.

OP posts:
Epidote · 30/12/2023 01:40

His son yes, must be a priority. It is called parenting, even if is done just a couple of days a week.

Sport, team, friends etc can not be at the same level as the kid.

neilyoungismyhero · 30/12/2023 01:43

Sounds as if he was asked to have his son on a football/friends night he would decline but he finds it easy to bum you off. If you're not even his 2nd priority now I'd cut your losses and move on. He hasn't really got the time or inclination for a relationship. I was married to a very similar knobhead who put football mates drinking before his family. It won't improve OP you deserve better.