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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Drug addiction/emotional blackmail…please help!

83 replies

Moonchild5 · 28/12/2023 22:37

My partner has finally admitted to being addicted to cocaine. Unknown to me it was the root cause of all our arguments over the last few years. Since admitting it & stopped it or so I’m lead to believe his attitude/temper has gotten worse. He’s unpredictable he got angry over burnt sausages yesterday. He’s normally very annoying but never short tempered & it seems to be getting worse. He’s also(what it seems/feels like to me) been doing everything to annoy me and/or get a reaction out me. 2 days before Christmas he says he’ll be back in half an hour, he “messed up” that night. Texts me the next morning saying he took stuff so he stayed out. Comes home the evening of Christmas Eve apologising saying it was stupid then says, “Christmas is on Tuesday isn’t it?” I say, “no it’s tomorrow” then starts yawning really loudly every 2 mins(we have a 6 month old together & I have a 10yo from previous relationship) I asked him if he was still high because he was being really loud & our daughter was sleeping. Starts calling me miserable saying he’s looking elsewhere to live. I continue wrapping presents & he goes to sleep on the couch. Christmas morning he’s holding our daughter. He hurry’s me to take her as he needs the toilet. I was trying to get her chair ready as she was going to get porridge but he continues to tell me to hurry up so I said, “RIIIIGHT” like that & I’ve apparently ruined Christmas & everyone’s annoyed at me. We were supposed to be going to his mums for dinner tells me he’s not going whilst sending me horrible messages from the other room. I ignore him as I’ve learned not to give him a reaction. A while passes he asks if I’m ready I said I thought we weren’t going he says fine be miserable & ruin every one’s day so I try & walk away & he starts saying, “see this is what you do start an argument then walk away.” Fast forward to Boxing Day he apologised for being grumpy then yesterday he asks if I could watch his sausages while he nips out. I switched them off after he left he comes back complains they’re burnt starts throwing the shopping about told me I was too busy on my phone & I burnt his sausages. I get upset & leave then phone his mum. I tell her I’m starting to become scared of him & that I don’t want to be with him so she phoned him I go back home he says he’ll leave(it’s never been that easy before & I'm keeping this very short & sweet so any confusion with anything just ask) he then starts crying saying he’s worried if he leaves that he’ll end up back in drugs because all his friends take stuff almost daily & that he wants to see our daughter grow up etc. I ask well what if you get angry again he said he would leave basically I end up feeling sorry for him. We both leave the house for a few hours & come back. Tonight I was getting our daughter to sleep I ask him to hold her while I grab the bonjela he says to her come & have some fun with daddy & starts swinging her about making her laugh I say she’s going to sleep he said, “is she?” Like he never knew. It was him that suggested I pause the film we were watching while I got her to sleep he knew fine well. Every time she’s napping he’s always really loud it’s as if it’s to annoy me but I don’t understand why he would disturb his child just to spite me. Every nap/bedtime he tries to stimulate her or wake her up by talking really loud/singing whistling/walking in the room to go in the wardrobe etc I find it very odd. After putting her to bed I go back through to the livingroom he says new year is on Sunday isn’t it I say yeah he says I’m going to go fishing Sunday night. I never said anything as I could not be bothered with another argument especially at night when I can’t leave the house I was just thinking to myself are you winding me up. I need perspective on this situation as when I speak to his mum she’s very much neutral saying things like well why are you with him if he’s so horrible & you’re scared of him saying she can’t give advice as it’s not her relationship etc I always say to her I know he’s your son I’m not phoning to snitch on him etc I just don’t have anyone to speak to about & I don’t know what to do she just says she doesn’t think we should be together & never says anything negative about him. I’m sorry for the long post & may not make sense as it’s heavily condensed this is a few days of 3 years of similar crap & yes I’m ready for the relationship to be over no I’m not completely stupid. I just want to understand why he’s maybe trying to go out his way to annoy me recently & why his temper is possibly getting worse if he was off stuff for 6 weeks minus 2 days before Christmas I would imagine it would get better not worse maybe someone else has been with someone addicted to drugs & shed some light.

OP posts:
MistletoeandJd · 28/12/2023 23:04

Has he got adhd in there ?

MistletoeandJd · 28/12/2023 23:08

It seems like he wants to push your boundaries I don't know if that's so you'll kick him out and he will get fully hooked and then be able to blame you ( this would absolutely not be your fault but it's a scapegoat) or he's getting some k8nd of 'high' out of the reactions ( adrenaline seeking ) I've met many fathers and I would say 50% are the nice normal calm ones at bedtimes and 50% for get into some manic play situations and don't even think twice. I think it's because many men find it easy to just fall asleep no matter what they've been doing so they think babies are the same ? I'm not sure that bits malicious but you can probably gauge him better.

uhtredsonofuhtred1 · 28/12/2023 23:10

He sounds like my abusive narcissistic ex to be honest. He'd deliberately wake the baby or toddler up, he'd deliberately do the opposite of any parenting issue that I spoke about trying and I later found out that he'd been doing coke for the last year or so of our relationship which, when I look back, I can see the escalation of his abusive behaviour coincided with the coke use!

Just get rid. Life is too short to waste it on losers that don't add happiness to your life.

Tinkerbyebye · 28/12/2023 23:11

Why are you even with him

tell him to leave and don’t c9me back, he can go and stay at his mums

category12 · 28/12/2023 23:32

I just want to understand why he’s maybe trying to go out his way to annoy me recently & why his temper is possibly getting worse if he was off stuff for 6 weeks

Possibly to provoke an argument so he can use it as an excuse to go off on a binge.

Moonchild5 · 29/12/2023 00:24

MistletoeandJd · 28/12/2023 23:04

Has he got adhd in there ?

He hasn’t been diagnosed with it although his mum has told me she thinks he may be autistic. He definitely isn’t hyper physically he’s on his bum or sleeping most of the time(if he’s not working)

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Moonchild5 · 29/12/2023 00:26

MistletoeandJd · 28/12/2023 23:08

It seems like he wants to push your boundaries I don't know if that's so you'll kick him out and he will get fully hooked and then be able to blame you ( this would absolutely not be your fault but it's a scapegoat) or he's getting some k8nd of 'high' out of the reactions ( adrenaline seeking ) I've met many fathers and I would say 50% are the nice normal calm ones at bedtimes and 50% for get into some manic play situations and don't even think twice. I think it's because many men find it easy to just fall asleep no matter what they've been doing so they think babies are the same ? I'm not sure that bits malicious but you can probably gauge him better.

It feels malicious he’s quiet until she’s sleeping & will try talk to her while I’m getting her to sleep just don’t get why you would do that to your own child even if it’s to annoy me personally

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Moonchild5 · 29/12/2023 00:28

category12 · 28/12/2023 23:32

I just want to understand why he’s maybe trying to go out his way to annoy me recently & why his temper is possibly getting worse if he was off stuff for 6 weeks

Possibly to provoke an argument so he can use it as an excuse to go off on a binge.

He had just came back from a binge though so don’t get that

OP posts:
Moonchild5 · 29/12/2023 00:30

Tinkerbyebye · 28/12/2023 23:11

Why are you even with him

tell him to leave and don’t c9me back, he can go and stay at his mums

His mums an hour away & has already said he wouldn’t go there

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Moonchild5 · 29/12/2023 00:37

category12 · 28/12/2023 23:32

I just want to understand why he’s maybe trying to go out his way to annoy me recently & why his temper is possibly getting worse if he was off stuff for 6 weeks

Possibly to provoke an argument so he can use it as an excuse to go off on a binge.

He also said he doesn’t want to leave because if he does he’ll take stuff & when given the opportunity to leave he hesitates & states how much he loves me etc he acts as though he wants to leave & doesn’t want to be with me but then won’t actually leave

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Moonchild5 · 29/12/2023 10:59

I’m really struggling emotionally & don’t have anyone to speak to I feel so stuck

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BMW6 · 29/12/2023 11:38

Do the right thing for your children and get them far away from this coke addicted wanker.

The bonus is it would be infinitely better for you as well in the end.

Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk · 29/12/2023 11:43

He is going fishing New Years Eve? Sunday Night? Yeah right!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/12/2023 11:54

"He also said he doesn’t want to leave because if he does he’ll take stuff & when given the opportunity to leave he hesitates & states how much he loves me etc he acts as though he wants to leave & doesn’t want to be with me but then won’t actually leave"

Ahh the usual sort of crap such men come out with to further confuse and or give their target spaghetti head. He knows he has a cushy life with you (after all you provide bed and board) so does not want that to end.

There is no future for you or your child in this dysfunctional relationship because addiction lies at its heart. His first love is cocaine. Am not at all surprised he won't go to his mother's; she likely has told him previously she does not want him there either. You are ultimately going to have to do the same.

And why are you with him?. You did not answer that when asked so I presume you do not know. That should also tell you an awful lot.

category12 · 29/12/2023 12:57

Moonchild5 · 29/12/2023 00:37

He also said he doesn’t want to leave because if he does he’ll take stuff & when given the opportunity to leave he hesitates & states how much he loves me etc he acts as though he wants to leave & doesn’t want to be with me but then won’t actually leave

Pay attention to his actions, not words.

littlebirdieblu · 29/12/2023 13:11

Bloody hell get your kids away from this drug addict. What the hell are you doing still entertaining this loser. Think of your kids and pack his stuff up and tell him to go. FFS.

Moonchild5 · 29/12/2023 13:41

BMW6 · 29/12/2023 11:38

Do the right thing for your children and get them far away from this coke addicted wanker.

The bonus is it would be infinitely better for you as well in the end.

He keeps threatening to take me to court etc I don’t think legally I can keep his daughter away

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Moonchild5 · 29/12/2023 13:43

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/12/2023 11:54

"He also said he doesn’t want to leave because if he does he’ll take stuff & when given the opportunity to leave he hesitates & states how much he loves me etc he acts as though he wants to leave & doesn’t want to be with me but then won’t actually leave"

Ahh the usual sort of crap such men come out with to further confuse and or give their target spaghetti head. He knows he has a cushy life with you (after all you provide bed and board) so does not want that to end.

There is no future for you or your child in this dysfunctional relationship because addiction lies at its heart. His first love is cocaine. Am not at all surprised he won't go to his mother's; she likely has told him previously she does not want him there either. You are ultimately going to have to do the same.

And why are you with him?. You did not answer that when asked so I presume you do not know. That should also tell you an awful lot.

It’s him that won’t go to his mums says he doesn’t want to stay with her & her boyfriend & ultimately because I feel like I’m responsible for him taking cocaine if I chuck him out. He says if I want him to leave can I give him a few weeks to find somewhere to live but don’t want to be manipulated in that time either if he left I just want him to go

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Moonchild5 · 29/12/2023 13:46

Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk · 29/12/2023 11:43

He is going fishing New Years Eve? Sunday Night? Yeah right!

Yeah I don’t believe that either. He keeps saying & doing things to get a reaction out of me but he knows I’m on the verge of chucking him out so don’t know why he’s upping his game playing now & risking things surely he should be sucking up to me but he’s doing the opposite I’m very confused

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PiggieWig · 29/12/2023 13:53

By saying he’ll start using again if you split up, he’s making you responsible for his addiction. You aren’t. What’s he doing about it beyond saying he’s stopped?

romdowa · 29/12/2023 13:57

Moonchild5 · 29/12/2023 13:46

Yeah I don’t believe that either. He keeps saying & doing things to get a reaction out of me but he knows I’m on the verge of chucking him out so don’t know why he’s upping his game playing now & risking things surely he should be sucking up to me but he’s doing the opposite I’m very confused

He's looking for an excuse to use drugs. He baits you , you have an argument, he storms out and gets out of his head and then he blames you. I have an addict sibling and it's the oldest trick in the book. He doesn't give a shit about you , only the drugs but he needs that excuse to use so he doesn't look like a dickhead .... he wants to look like the poor guy who can't help using because his Mrs is on his case.

HelenHerriott · 29/12/2023 14:00

Just kick him out and give yourself and your children the chance of a decent life. He’s addicted to drugs and makes your life a misery. Let him threaten to take you to court, if that was my child they wouldn’t be near anyone with addiction issues and I’d be letting the courts decide. He’s got you dangling by a string and every time he tugs it you jump, cut the string and start living a life for the sake of your poor kids.

Moonchild5 · 29/12/2023 14:05

PiggieWig · 29/12/2023 13:53

By saying he’ll start using again if you split up, he’s making you responsible for his addiction. You aren’t. What’s he doing about it beyond saying he’s stopped?

He says he’ll be surrounded by it as he would have to go to his brothers house where hun & his friends take stuff almost daily so would inevitably take it & he doesn’t want to do that says he just needs to talk to me & for me to talk to him. I advised him to speak to someone that’s when he said he doesn’t need to he just needs to speak to me

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Moonchild5 · 29/12/2023 14:07

romdowa · 29/12/2023 13:57

He's looking for an excuse to use drugs. He baits you , you have an argument, he storms out and gets out of his head and then he blames you. I have an addict sibling and it's the oldest trick in the book. He doesn't give a shit about you , only the drugs but he needs that excuse to use so he doesn't look like a dickhead .... he wants to look like the poor guy who can't help using because his Mrs is on his case.

Apparently he is genuinely going fishing as he told his mum(I’ve been messaging her) she thinks he’s just trying to give me space. Why on New Year’s Eve though? Could go fishing any day

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Moonchild5 · 29/12/2023 14:09

HelenHerriott · 29/12/2023 14:00

Just kick him out and give yourself and your children the chance of a decent life. He’s addicted to drugs and makes your life a misery. Let him threaten to take you to court, if that was my child they wouldn’t be near anyone with addiction issues and I’d be letting the courts decide. He’s got you dangling by a string and every time he tugs it you jump, cut the string and start living a life for the sake of your poor kids.

Edited

I’m ready for the relationship to end I’m just scared of what he’ll do if he doesn’t get to see his daughter & he does have to actually leave & I put my foot down I feel very vulnerable just now

OP posts: