Drug addiction/emotional blackmail…please help!

[Moonchild5]

My partner has finally admitted to being addicted to cocaine. Unknown to me it was the root cause of all our arguments over the last few years. Since admitting it & stopped it or so I’m lead to believe his attitude/temper has gotten worse. He’s unpredictable he got angry over burnt sausages yesterday. He’s normally very annoying but never short tempered & it seems to be getting worse. He’s also(what it seems/feels like to me) been doing everything to annoy me and/or get a reaction out me. 2 days before Christmas he says he’ll be back in half an hour, he “messed up” that night. Texts me the next morning saying he took stuff so he stayed out. Comes home the evening of Christmas Eve apologising saying it was stupid then says, “Christmas is on Tuesday isn’t it?” I say, “no it’s tomorrow” then starts yawning really loudly every 2 mins(we have a 6 month old together & I have a 10yo from previous relationship) I asked him if he was still high because he was being really loud & our daughter was sleeping. Starts calling me miserable saying he’s looking elsewhere to live. I continue wrapping presents & he goes to sleep on the couch. Christmas morning he’s holding our daughter. He hurry’s me to take her as he needs the toilet. I was trying to get her chair ready as she was going to get porridge but he continues to tell me to hurry up so I said, “RIIIIGHT” like that & I’ve apparently ruined Christmas & everyone’s annoyed at me. We were supposed to be going to his mums for dinner tells me he’s not going whilst sending me horrible messages from the other room. I ignore him as I’ve learned not to give him a reaction. A while passes he asks if I’m ready I said I thought we weren’t going he says fine be miserable & ruin every one’s day so I try & walk away & he starts saying, “see this is what you do start an argument then walk away.” Fast forward to Boxing Day he apologised for being grumpy then yesterday he asks if I could watch his sausages while he nips out. I switched them off after he left he comes back complains they’re burnt starts throwing the shopping about told me I was too busy on my phone & I burnt his sausages. I get upset & leave then phone his mum. I tell her I’m starting to become scared of him & that I don’t want to be with him so she phoned him I go back home he says he’ll leave(it’s never been that easy before & I'm keeping this very short & sweet so any confusion with anything just ask) he then starts crying saying he’s worried if he leaves that he’ll end up back in drugs because all his friends take stuff almost daily & that he wants to see our daughter grow up etc. I ask well what if you get angry again he said he would leave basically I end up feeling sorry for him. We both leave the house for a few hours & come back. Tonight I was getting our daughter to sleep I ask him to hold her while I grab the bonjela he says to her come & have some fun with daddy & starts swinging her about making her laugh I say she’s going to sleep he said, “is she?” Like he never knew. It was him that suggested I pause the film we were watching while I got her to sleep he knew fine well. Every time she’s napping he’s always really loud it’s as if it’s to annoy me but I don’t understand why he would disturb his child just to spite me. Every nap/bedtime he tries to stimulate her or wake her up by talking really loud/singing whistling/walking in the room to go in the wardrobe etc I find it very odd. After putting her to bed I go back through to the livingroom he says new year is on Sunday isn’t it I say yeah he says I’m going to go fishing Sunday night. I never said anything as I could not be bothered with another argument especially at night when I can’t leave the house I was just thinking to myself are you winding me up. I need perspective on this situation as when I speak to his mum she’s very much neutral saying things like well why are you with him if he’s so horrible & you’re scared of him saying she can’t give advice as it’s not her relationship etc I always say to her I know he’s your son I’m not phoning to snitch on him etc I just don’t have anyone to speak to about & I don’t know what to do she just says she doesn’t think we should be together & never says anything negative about him. I’m sorry for the long post & may not make sense as it’s heavily condensed this is a few days of 3 years of similar crap & yes I’m ready for the relationship to be over no I’m not completely stupid. I just want to understand why he’s maybe trying to go out his way to annoy me recently & why his temper is possibly getting worse if he was off stuff for 6 weeks minus 2 days before Christmas I would imagine it would get better not worse maybe someone else has been with someone addicted to drugs & shed some light.

You are only responsible for your own self along with your child. It’s his sole choice to take cocaine and he would use it regardless. Addicts lie routinely and he indeed will do and say anything He is manipulating you big time into getting you to think you are responsible for him and his addiction. You are not.

soberrecovery.com has an amazing forum for friends and family of addicts and alcoholics.

You can get excellent support and advice there. Don’t drive yourself crazy trying to understand an addict. He’s doing exactly what addicts do.

You do need to end it in order to protect your child and yourself.

It's hard to afford legal fees when your first instinct is to stick any money straight up your nose - and legal firms don't tend to do work for clients without getting paid.

Easy to threaten court, though, if your STBX is still so confused by the abuse, manipulation and aggression that she hasn't gone 'you know what? Fuck it. Stay gone and I'll see you in court'.

Feel free to DM me.

I have been you …

I left after 7 years best thing I did x

I'm going to guess that he could tell his mum be was going into space and she'd believe him. He can also snort coke while fishing!
In all honesty who really cares if he is going fishing or not. You should care about the fact that you are allowing such chaos into your children's lives.

It’s understandable you feel vulnerable but put the thought of him taking you to court for your child out of your mind.

Firstly, it’s unlikely he will - it’s a thing a lot of men say, and secondly, if you tell the courts you threw him out due to his drug use he won’t have a leg to stand on.

@Moonchild5 massive hugs. Please stop trying to understood motivation and reasons etc. they don’t matter.

What you need to understand is he is a drug addict and there is nothing you can do to save a relationship or ‘fix’ him.

Get yourself support from the charity that supports family’s of addicts. Lots of services out there for you. https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/addiction-support/advice-for-the-families-of-drug-users/

Stop talking to his mum about this. She is not your friend nor your support. Find a group from the above list or use the forum on here for support.

Him leaving and having to stay with his brother and using drugs is on him. He’s doing nothing to seek help and letting you carry all the weight.

of course he isn’t going to push to leave you. You keep the home running, access to food and clean clothes and he can come and go as he wishes. You make life easy for him and he knows this.

Get advice from various agencies. Learn your rights around access etc. mine had to take me to court to get access as I wasnt having them around his drug habit and friends. He had to have drug tests, supervised contact at a centre for over a year until he stopped bothering to turn up.

I have messaged you x

Yeah I’ve realised this she never says anything negative about his behaviour she’s very much neutral & never pulls him up about anything. If that was my son treating someone like that I wouldn’t be having it

I would be concerned how much he’s spending on all the coke OP, it’s like £50 for a tiny bag. If he’s truly doing it all the time then I would be cautious if you have joint finances.

He sounds awful from your post - very immature and annoying. Doesn’t seem like someone I would want around a 10 year old. Unless there’s other times he’s great I would be seriously looking to split.

Coke isn’t really that addictive as a substance. It is quite addictive whilst you are on it though (the feeling of more, more, more). Can be hard to say no with friend groups but I wouldn’t let him influence you into staying just because of his ‘addiction’. He should be able to easily stop taking it if he actually wants to.

Thankfully we don’t. We split the bills & food & has always gave me half it’s never really affected anything in that way but he does earn around 3 times more than I get & he rarely has any money & I wonder what he’s spent it on as even I manage to save a little money each month & he always has nothing 2 weeks after being paid. He says he either paid back loans or his bills are high that month. He does enter loads of competitions & his phone bill is always sky high because of it & buys a pack of cigarettes every day.

Yep sounds like that’s where all the moneys going @Moonchild5.

Maybe try to address it that way with him, ask him how much he spends on it. Ask him how it makes him feel the next day etc and if he wants his kid to grow up being around that. If not then is he ok with your older child being around it?

He sounds like my abusive narcissistic ex to be honest. He'd deliberately wake the baby or toddler up, he'd deliberately do the opposite of any parenting issue that I spoke about trying and I later found out that he'd been doing coke for the last year or so of our relationship which, when I look back, I can see the escalation of his abusive behaviour coincided with the coke use!

Just get rid. Life is too short to waste it on losers that don't add happiness to your life.
This,what previous poster said!!
My ex was the same,pls leave him is not will get any better.He never will give up coke,and he is a narcissistic person like my ex.Even without coke,he is a big sh.t !

He needs to go. Where to is not your problem. He can see your daughter in a contact centre on account of his aggressive behaviour and drug taking. Get a court order if you need to. They may even order that he needs to be drug tested before contact.

Oh fgs - I went back & forth with my ex whom I adored but who was a raging coke head and devoid of any sense of responsibility - I left too late and as a result have had three very tempestuous teens to deal with - DD21 who is fine now, was bloody hard work aged 14–17 (I left him when she was 12 but the damage was done) and she cites his behaviour (witnessed over several years as the reason for her anxiety/outbursts/emotional upset as a teen.

Get rid for the sake of your children and do it asap!

Happy 2024 🙌🎉♥️🕺⭐️

How do I get him to leave without having to listen to the emotional blackmail & without making him angry like if I was to keep the door locked while he was out? His cat is here so would need to come back for him

she just says she doesn’t think we should be together & never says anything negative about him

That's Mumspeak for 'He's my son and I love him, but he's a fucking dickhead and the best thing you could do for yourself and your DC is to sling him out on the street right now'.

He's going to kick off to make it 'your fault' he's off his face for the weekend. Hopefully if he says he's leaving, he will to try and get you to beg him to stay - you could send him a message once you're pretty sure he's off his nut telling him not to come back and to stay at his Mum's/wherever.

He then either crawls back sobbing and wailing on a comedown and you get him removed/his Mum to come and get him without opening the door or he's raging and kicking the door, which is where you call the Police and they get to remove an angry cokehead from his ex's property.

You need to protect yourself and your children from his mind games, he is trying to get you to feel responsible for his actions, he is also volatile and it’s not a safe environment for children. He can threaten to take you to court for access blah blah blah but ultimately he will use his money on his addiction. You and your children need to feel safe and secure so harden your heart and get him out

His active addiction is running the show 24/7. Do not get taken in by his bullshit. He’ll keep on that roller-coaster as sure as night follows day. Don’t get dragged along with it.

You need - and have every right - to put yourself, the kids (and the cat!) first. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! Get him out of the house and let him face the consequences of life on life’s terms. His addiction is NOT your fault or responsibility. He’ll reach out for help if/when it hurts enough - and there is help out there.

Get support for yourself - it’s knackering being around addiction https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/addiction-support/advice-for-the-families-of-drug-users/

Good luck x

@Moonchild5 sorry you're going through this. He sounds similar to a few people I know that also do coke daily but often deny it. I've often noticed that those that are doing coke tend to have raised voices in inappropriate situations so it could be that he is high when he is around your daughter at night. The fact that he has no money left 2 weeks after he has been paid is also suspicious, indicating he may have a daily habit. It sounds like he already has an issue with drug use and by leaving him you wouldn't be contributing to his addiction but it maybe the wake up call he needs to fix his life (I'm not saying that is your responsibility). If not you would still be in a better place for yourself and children without being around someone as erratic as him.

He’s not high when I’m getting her to sleep it was just once on Christmas Eve he kept yawning literally every 2 minutes really loudly while she was sleeping. He smokes weed most of the time. It’s as if he’s just doing it to annoy me. Since having our daughter he’ll stay out of he’s took any he used to go in the bedroom & sit in the dark if he was on stuff but since we co sleep he can’t do that so stays out.

I don’t get the whole going fishing on New Year’s Eve it’s his first child & first new year with his daughter I just don’t get why he’s choosing to be elsewhere. I know I’ll likely be sleeping & so will our daughter & he doesn’t even sleep in the same room as us anyway. I don’t know I just personally wouldn’t do that.

What do you want the year ahead to look like, OP?

It’s hard enough parenting a 10 yr-old and a little one, let alone having an adult behaving like a stroppy teenager in the mix. You’re pretty amazing having kept the show on the road this far.

Are you satisfied with the family dynamics? Sounds like your partner’s active addiction and attendant behaviours are in the driving seat. Addiction has its own logic, you’ll drive yourself mad trying to negotiate with the bullshit.

You seem in touch with your values - how to ‘do life’ etc. What would your life look like with you behind the wheel?

Stability? Predictability? No more merry-go-round? No more second-guessing? More manageable all round? Light on the horizon etc…

Yes I don’t want to be with him. I’d just like a calm & amicable ending I don’t want to fight & argue & hear threats etc

You sound like you’ve been thinking about this for a while, and have come to a decision to make a positive change to your life. You’ve taken the first step by posting here.

It’s hard to keep one’s resolve, but eventually there comes a time when ‘enough is enough’. You know what you want and need to have a steady life going forward.

Have you got anyone you can talk to, offload to? Sharing where you’re at/what’s going on? Better out than in, lets you see things more clearly, makes way for new ideas etc. This thread has posted some good suggestions/links already. Try and get some support as the ending process might be a bit bumpy.

Stay steady, keep it simple and clear (get back-up if things get out of hand, obvs) and stay connected to support, and/or keep posting here.

His journey is for him to work out.

Keep your eye on the light on your horizon, OP. You can do this x