Drug addiction/emotional blackmail…please help!

[Moonchild5]

My partner has finally admitted to being addicted to cocaine. Unknown to me it was the root cause of all our arguments over the last few years. Since admitting it & stopped it or so I’m lead to believe his attitude/temper has gotten worse. He’s unpredictable he got angry over burnt sausages yesterday. He’s normally very annoying but never short tempered & it seems to be getting worse. He’s also(what it seems/feels like to me) been doing everything to annoy me and/or get a reaction out me. 2 days before Christmas he says he’ll be back in half an hour, he “messed up” that night. Texts me the next morning saying he took stuff so he stayed out. Comes home the evening of Christmas Eve apologising saying it was stupid then says, “Christmas is on Tuesday isn’t it?” I say, “no it’s tomorrow” then starts yawning really loudly every 2 mins(we have a 6 month old together & I have a 10yo from previous relationship) I asked him if he was still high because he was being really loud & our daughter was sleeping. Starts calling me miserable saying he’s looking elsewhere to live. I continue wrapping presents & he goes to sleep on the couch. Christmas morning he’s holding our daughter. He hurry’s me to take her as he needs the toilet. I was trying to get her chair ready as she was going to get porridge but he continues to tell me to hurry up so I said, “RIIIIGHT” like that & I’ve apparently ruined Christmas & everyone’s annoyed at me. We were supposed to be going to his mums for dinner tells me he’s not going whilst sending me horrible messages from the other room. I ignore him as I’ve learned not to give him a reaction. A while passes he asks if I’m ready I said I thought we weren’t going he says fine be miserable & ruin every one’s day so I try & walk away & he starts saying, “see this is what you do start an argument then walk away.” Fast forward to Boxing Day he apologised for being grumpy then yesterday he asks if I could watch his sausages while he nips out. I switched them off after he left he comes back complains they’re burnt starts throwing the shopping about told me I was too busy on my phone & I burnt his sausages. I get upset & leave then phone his mum. I tell her I’m starting to become scared of him & that I don’t want to be with him so she phoned him I go back home he says he’ll leave(it’s never been that easy before & I'm keeping this very short & sweet so any confusion with anything just ask) he then starts crying saying he’s worried if he leaves that he’ll end up back in drugs because all his friends take stuff almost daily & that he wants to see our daughter grow up etc. I ask well what if you get angry again he said he would leave basically I end up feeling sorry for him. We both leave the house for a few hours & come back. Tonight I was getting our daughter to sleep I ask him to hold her while I grab the bonjela he says to her come & have some fun with daddy & starts swinging her about making her laugh I say she’s going to sleep he said, “is she?” Like he never knew. It was him that suggested I pause the film we were watching while I got her to sleep he knew fine well. Every time she’s napping he’s always really loud it’s as if it’s to annoy me but I don’t understand why he would disturb his child just to spite me. Every nap/bedtime he tries to stimulate her or wake her up by talking really loud/singing whistling/walking in the room to go in the wardrobe etc I find it very odd. After putting her to bed I go back through to the livingroom he says new year is on Sunday isn’t it I say yeah he says I’m going to go fishing Sunday night. I never said anything as I could not be bothered with another argument especially at night when I can’t leave the house I was just thinking to myself are you winding me up. I need perspective on this situation as when I speak to his mum she’s very much neutral saying things like well why are you with him if he’s so horrible & you’re scared of him saying she can’t give advice as it’s not her relationship etc I always say to her I know he’s your son I’m not phoning to snitch on him etc I just don’t have anyone to speak to about & I don’t know what to do she just says she doesn’t think we should be together & never says anything negative about him. I’m sorry for the long post & may not make sense as it’s heavily condensed this is a few days of 3 years of similar crap & yes I’m ready for the relationship to be over no I’m not completely stupid. I just want to understand why he’s maybe trying to go out his way to annoy me recently & why his temper is possibly getting worse if he was off stuff for 6 weeks minus 2 days before Christmas I would imagine it would get better not worse maybe someone else has been with someone addicted to drugs & shed some light.

He sounds controlling and manipulative. It sounds like he is trying to wind you or the baby up so he has an “excuse” to take drugs. He is antagonising you both on purpose. Have a look for some local support charities that can help you leave this abusive situation.

He’s still using OP, most likely in your home around your children.

He’s trying to escalate a situation so you both argue so he has an excuse to go off on one and go on a proper binge without you and the kids being in the way.

No he isn’t going fishing, just setting up a situation so he can get away with using.

He isn’t scared of loosing you, he’s scared of loosing his home comforts ie someone running round after him making his meals etc, that’s why he emotionally manipulates you to stay every time your close to throwing him out.

People that binge cocaine 9 times out of 10 physically lash out at their partners and it’s always the kids that are caught in the cross fire.

if not for you, do it for your children and kick this waste of space out, you will never be his first choice, cocaine is.

I don’t really have anyone I have listening ears but no one that truly cares or will help in any way. I feel very lonely just now I keep going out every day just to see humans. Only having my own perspective is normally why I post here. Feeling scared & lonely is how I’ve felt my whole life I just want to be safe & happy. I don’t even care if I’m alone with my kids the rest of my life I don’t wish this feeling upon anyone

I’ve went through women’s aid before. Ideally I don’t want to leave my house or “run away” from the situation like I did with my sons dad I felt so on edge & hated watching my back I remember I used to just sit on the arm of my couch all day so I could see out the window to my front door & I don’t want to speak to the police etc I just want it to be over & that’s it. So what is it exactly any of these charities do? He’ll always say if you want me to leave just tell me when we’re not arguing. I just don’t want to be hoovered back in & deal with water works.

Also this hall got worse since having our daughter I really thought it would mellow him out a bit I thought that would be the change he needed but it gets worse every argument & I don’t know why

Because op he wants drugs more than family life and that’s it

thats your answer to why he does it and why he hasn’t mellowed out.

im sorry if it’s come across bluntly but that’s the only reason why he is the way he is.

I hope you find a way forward and get rid especially for your kids sakes.

I have been in a very, very similar position OP. Please tread carefully. Protect your assets, yourself, your children and your bank card. If you can’t put him out now, keep your bank card even down your bra if you can, as if he’s already knee deep into addiction, he will empty your account.

I hear you, OP.

You sound vulnerable and isolated. And very brave for getting real and sharing with us. My biggest advice is to reach out for some concrete support. If you don’t get a result from one of the numbers, keep working thru the list.

Sounds like you might benefit from some 1:1 talking therapy for yourself, to process your own history? But right now you want support/encouragement/advice re managing an emotional and practical ending, ie getting your partner to move out?

As other posters have commented, users are very manipulative and will go to any lengths to keep their fantasy world propped up, regardless of the real-life negative impact on those around them. For family members it’s a very painful, dark and lonely place to be. Time to look after yourself.

Those support groups/services will be a life-changer. Keep going thru the list, give it a go, if one doesn’t fit try another, and so on. There will be people who with similar stories and challenges - and you can talk frankly, without feeling judged. A space for you to be listened to, be believed in, get some TLC and some laughs (yes, really). A place where you can be you.

And mention that you’re a mum to a little one. I’ve seen babies in support groups (and have attended with my youngster when I was in a difficult place). Start building your network - GP, that list, women’s aid - whatever.

Happy New Year!

It’s really hard OP but think you have to try and handle it practically.

• Start getting plans in place for you. work out if you need a new place to live, check you’ve got saving etc.
• Start warming him up to you leaving by giving ultimatums about drug use/behaviour and keep it about the kids and what they are being exposed to rather than about you.
• If possible slowly start packing up/shifting bits. Getting organised etc? Can you start dropping some bits at a family/friends for storage so it’s not all so much to move later on?

Try and keep his mum on side by just telling her the worries about the kids and that you’ve told him you’ll have to leave if it continues. Maybe try and use the new year as a cut off point for him?

He has no access to any of my funds I don’t even have anything to steal anyway but he doesn’t know my pin etc

There is some great advice on this thread especially about building a network of support but I just wanted to add, please remember that it's in his Mums interest for him to stay with you and be your problem not hers so she's not really on your side here even if she knows it's wrong.
I get that talking to her might feel like help because she understands his behaviour but really it's all part of the same toxic and enabling behaviour that is not about what is best for you or your children.
Please try to start detaching from her also however hard that might be at first.

Good luck, things can and should be better for you all x

@maybejustonemoretime spot on!

What I don’t want is social work involved & him telling me I’m telling on him he hates the thought of me telling anyone anything about him especially anyone of authority. I had a home psychiatry appointment as I had not long given birth & was easier for them to come to me & he came in the living room to say hello etc(he would normally be at work but wasn’t that day) & later said how does she know my name you’re plotting against me etc hence why I’ve started speaking to his mum because he knows she wouldn’t plot against him & only listen to me.

Yes I’ve realised that she stays neutral in everything & has helped him out of previous situations or any trouble he gets in. Recently found out she used to go round & clean his house for him when he was single. She always says things like don’t tell him I said that or I would speak to him but he won’t listen to me as if she’s scared of him too. If that was my son I’d be at his house making sure the woman got out the house safely or made sure he left without harming her I wouldn’t stand for that at all. He’s hard on my son & says I wouldn’t have gotten away with that etc but it seems he gets away with everything & thinks he’s above the law. I don’t understand him at all he’s a walking contradiction.

He’s a head fuck OP, that’s all there is to it, he knows what he’s doing and how he can manipulate and play with your emotions and your thinking, it’s time to make a change and only you can do that, choose to step away from the chaos mentally and physically, tell him to leave and mean it, all the time you’re involved in his nonsense nothing will ever change except you and your children will suffer more and more

THIS and me too!

Get an escape plan and get out!

It sounds like his mother already knows and she's scared if you know enough to leave then she will be getting put back in the firing line!

Yeah that’s what it seems like. I just cannot believe I stayed single for 5 years to heal from a narcissist & ended up with another one that’s even worse I feel so stupid

Monitoring who you talk to and about what is coercive control.

Expecting you to quietly soldier on - ie navigate managing a home/children alongside his disruptive/toxic behaviour - is a ‘hostage taking’ tactic. Keep quiet, or else etc. You must be exhausted.

The consequences of his unchanging behaviour has left him with ONE choice: do the right thing and leave quietly.

Otherwise you may well end up on SS radar - and that would be on him.

However, you sound like a caring and thoughtful mum, a bright soul whose light is clouded by the bullshit antics of your partner. He’s not on the same page, is he. You sound ready and willing for positive, proactive change.

Down but not out, OP, yes? Get him out of the house - the shift in dynamics will work wonders. Level playing field, renewed energy, vision and purpose as you start to rebuild your life.

Like other posters commented, support from his mum is not appropriate. It’s too loaded. You’ve got a lot going on - GET HELP from agencies/groups/individuals who have solid experience.

When I finally connected with meaningful support, I asked myself “What took me so long?!” But it is what it is for each of us - maybe ‘Now’ is the time for you?

Keep posting as you go into the new year x

I’m more than exhausted I’m completely drained. I don’t even look like myself. This has been a repeating pattern from my abusive childhood I’m now 29 I’m so over this crap I just want a normal boring life I have learnt my lesson. Unfortunately I still need to deal with him since we have a daughter. My son doesn’t see his dad but I feel like this is going to be one big fight after he’s gone which I don’t have the energy for. Why are people so nasty I feel like it’s always me as well this crap happens to. My friends have lovely partners I just think what on earth did I do in a past life to deserve this?

He doesn't value you or your child AT ALL. He's literally showing you with actions, every single day, what he thinks of you and what his priorities are. His priorities are cocaine, weed, his phone, manipulating you, mind sucking you and then his cat and you and the baby come after all that.

Why on earth are you letting him do this to you and your child? He must STINK of weed and he's in your house? You need to prioritise your child and get rid of this giant waste of space. Children look to their parents for examples of suitable behaviour and the first 3 years are vital. Show your child they are worth more.

It's not punishment for past "sins" OP - it's because you had a dysfunctional childhood and we tend to pick people who are alike - even the bad ones. Or even especially the bad ones. They are more familiar to us.

When you are free of this waste of space take at least a year out of any new relationship. If you can, get therapy. If you can't get onto the Stately Homes thread for free counselling and soul searching.

Make 2024 the year you break out of this rut and get free. For your children (so they don't tread the same path) and YOU.

Yeah I’ve learned a lot of stuff like that in therapy. I’m very aware of all these things. I will be focusing on the kids & just having wholesome time with them

Ah, OP ❤️ I hear you loud and clear - and it seems others on the thread do too.

Possibly quite tiring responding to our comments - realising that there are people that actually ‘get it’, while also bringing more of your own stuff to the surface as the thread goes along.

But you’ve started talking - that’s absolutely fucking brilliant! 👏🏼

Pace yourself. Deep breath. Have you eaten today? Nice hot cuppa etc. Have a break - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired (H.A.L.T.)

(Yes, that abusive childhood stuff does set up patterns that affect our relationship choices, disables our decision-making, distorts our perception of ourselves, blocks exploring our potential etc etc. But it can be untangled carefully and steadily over time).

Take care, lovely x

I’ve been making sure I get out during the day I went to Costa earlier. I’m really trying to take care of myself amongst this I don’t want to come across as an incapable mum & be picked apart for my appearance or mess of the house etc

You’re amazing, OP.

Doing your best right now is more than good enough - keeping the house manageable, self-care, getting out for a coffee etc. A good balance.

I see you’ve been in therapy before (like possibly a few of us who’ve been commenting), so you’re already in touch with the ABCs. Perhaps you’ve found some birds of a feather on this thread 🪶💫

…Right, I’d best head to my kitchen. Oh how I hate cooking, but it’s my turn to rustle up some food!