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Original poster

Son's new GF - help me not mess up

72 replies

Tryingtobeanokmum · 28/12/2023 17:41

Hi, name changed for this but I've been here at least 18 years!

Long story short as I can make it but would appreciate advice from those who have been here before me!

My son (19) met a girl on a night out about 3 weeks ago and has seen her every single day since. Staying out late even though he has an early rise for work the next day.

I tried to say nothing as he's an adult but I rang a time or two when I woke in the night (3am/4am) and he wasn't home, just to make sure no car accidents etc and he came home but said she hadn't wanted him to leave.

Anyway, he stayed at her house and then asked me if she could stay here.

He brought her here to meet us one evening before Christmas and she was easy to talk to and seemed nice.

Again, I don't know if this is the "modern way" but it has all moved so very fast. He's my only son and I don't want to lose him by saying no and then he goes to stay at her house all the time.

So she stayed here two nights in a row over the holidays, she's a nice girl, I can't say anything bad about her, but it's just all going so fast.

He's gone again now to her house and said he'd see me in "a day or two".

When she was here they were cooped up in his room with the TV on or on their phones, I feel like I hardly saw him over Christmas at all.

I of course don't want to get in the way of this new relationship, I guess I am just worried it's all moving too fast. He hasn't had a steady GF before, she is a couple of years older and just out of a 2 year relationship.

He asked me what I thought of her, I said she was nice (she is). I am.not going to say one negative thing about her because if I do, he'll be at hers all the time.

I have a slightly older dd, she is on the spectrum and has struggled a lot with a new person in her space over Christmas.

She did try to connect with the GF as she and her brothet are close (both in age and relationship wise) but the GF said she doesn't have siblings and found it "weird" that ds and dd chilled together, so dd is feeling a bit put out.

How do I handle this without a) her moving in here or b) him moving out and c) without dd and ds's good relationship hitting the rocks?

Surely every single day is too much or am I just old fashioned? (Though I did let her stay over)

OP posts:
Luxell934 · 28/12/2023 17:46

He's 19! Why are you ringing him at 3 and 4am? You need to let him go, if he wants to see her everyday then he can. The more you interfere the more you'll push him away.

sickbucket67 · 28/12/2023 17:49

I’m sure people will be along to tell you that he is a grown up and you should stay out of it….but that is exactly why this isn’t really acceptable.

If he’s an adult, and she’s a couple of older still- they can go on actual dates and do stuff together that doesn’t involve getting in your family space. Especially over Christmas, that’s just mad.

I also don’t think it’s on for him to have her overnight when you barely know her. It’s different when it might be a university relationship where logistically it makes sense for the gf/bf to stay.

If you want to talk to him about it that will get the result you kind of want- completely remove the discourse about ‘losing your son’. State clear boundaries about when it’s ok to have an othernight guest, and say you need notice. It’s not fair for your DD and you.

I’d also be telling him that it isn’t really on to just be hanging out on your mum’s sofa as a young couple and it’s important to go out and do activities together.

BlackPhillipa · 28/12/2023 17:52

He's 19, this all sounds completely normal.

You can't "stop" him. You either welcome her into yours or accept he'll go to hers. All standard.

BarkHorse · 28/12/2023 17:53

I don’t think it’s “just the modern way” I was exactly the same with my BF at that sort of age and that was well over twenty years ago.

If she’s a nice enough girl - just put some boundaries in place regarding staying over etc.

Original poster
Tryingtobeanokmum · 28/12/2023 17:57

Luxell934 · 28/12/2023 17:46

He's 19! Why are you ringing him at 3 and 4am? You need to let him go, if he wants to see her everyday then he can. The more you interfere the more you'll push him away.

Because we live in an accident blackspot and he has only passed his driving test.

He also gets up at 5am for work...

OP posts:
doingmaheadin · 28/12/2023 17:58

I'm in my 30s and still remember meeting boys at 18/19 and then spending every minute of every day with them!!! In fact I met my husband in my mid twenties and after our first date he never slept in his rental property ever again and moved into my house properly after 4 months. Obviously pre kids!

doingmaheadin · 28/12/2023 18:00

Although I will say at 18/19 I always stayed at theirs every night and they never stayed at mine, because their parents would let us go to the pub, smoke in the garden etc while my parents were much stricter.

IhaveanewTVnow · 28/12/2023 18:01

Looking at my sons and their friends relationships they don’t “date” much now. They stay in the parents house very early on and it feels like they have moved in. It’s all or nothing. They go from friends to live in couples very quickly.

Original poster
Tryingtobeanokmum · 28/12/2023 18:01

I am married to DH 26 years now and he never once stayed in my house.

We had weekends away etc but he didn't practically move in.

I've just been to the main bathroom and there's a toothbrush which I assume is hers and some dirty washing.

Ds has a responsible job, she is unemployed. I asked ds what she did for a living and he said she lives on DLA for MH issues. I didn't ask anything more as it's not my business, but I can see why she doesn't want him to go home as she doesn't need to be up early the next day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingtobeanokmum · 28/12/2023 18:04

IhaveanewTVnow · 28/12/2023 18:01

Looking at my sons and their friends relationships they don’t “date” much now. They stay in the parents house very early on and it feels like they have moved in. It’s all or nothing. They go from friends to live in couples very quickly.

Yes, this is how it feels.

I remember getting dressed up to go to the cinema or bowling with dh (then boyfriend) but she has came here twice now in pyjamas.

Not that I care, I am glad she's comfortable enough to do that, but it seems like they've known each other years rather than have just met.

OP posts:
INeverForgetAFaceButInYourCaseIdLikeTo · 28/12/2023 18:05

He's 19, it's his first real relationship, it's been 3 weeks, so it's all new and exciting to him (and her). Let him do what he likes but warn him about unplanned pregnancies.

He'll soon learn, when he's been late/tired for work a few times.

starynightskys · 28/12/2023 18:09

My advice is just step back and stay out of it.

Original poster
Tryingtobeanokmum · 28/12/2023 18:11

INeverForgetAFaceButInYourCaseIdLikeTo · 28/12/2023 18:05

He's 19, it's his first real relationship, it's been 3 weeks, so it's all new and exciting to him (and her). Let him do what he likes but warn him about unplanned pregnancies.

He'll soon learn, when he's been late/tired for work a few times.

I have explained to him to use condoms even though she says she has the implant. It's about more than a pregnancy isn't it?

You're right, dh says it'll run its course. But I like her and I can see why ds likes her too, I just posted as it seemed very fast. My sister has been with her partner 3 years and he has never arrived at my parents house on Xmas day to stay a few days.

She gave him a Xmas card saying she loves him and bought him a bag so he can keep stuff in his car for staying over at hers (he didn't tell me this, dd did)

OP posts:
Shiningstarr · 28/12/2023 18:12

OP I could have written this myself.

It's alright people saying to stay out of it, and leave it, but if he isn't home at 3-4am and hasn't long passed his driving test, with the added fact of you living in an accident black spot, you'd have to have a heart of stone not to care.

I think you are doing the right thing.

Torganer · 28/12/2023 18:16

I was at uni at 19 and had very intense relationships. So did my friends. A lot of them are still with the same person - most in fact! I took him to meet my parents at Christmas as we lived far away from each other. It’s completely normal, just leave them to it. It’s nice they came to you! They could have gone to hers or gone away together!

stillavid · 28/12/2023 18:17

I have a 19 year old and am pretty relaxed about staying over. His new girlfriend is coming to stay for a couple of nights next week before they go back to university.

But I wouldn't love the situation you are in. However, you just need to smile be nice to her and I am sure it will run its course as your DH says.

Staying in is fun but surely he will miss the fun and excitement of going out. And I know I am awful but I wouldn't be overjoyed at him having a girlfriend who didn't work/wasn't in education.

PuffyShirt · 28/12/2023 18:18

The staying out until silly hours is just annoying and selfish to me. My son was doing this, just sitting in (my) car with the gf until 4am. I’m a worrier, (and so is he), so I have said he needs to come home at a reasonable hour so I can get more than 2 hours’ sleep! I can’t wait for them to go back to their respective unis, tbh.

The other things sound pretty normal, if somewhat intense.

I can remember it being a big thing, having a boyfriend stay, and I only did it when we’d been together a long time. They’d be in a spare room until my parents said otherwise. Now, my kids just have their girlfriends sleep in their beds without even mentioning it to us. Our eldest will bring all manner of friends who are girls (or did before he had a serious gf) and they’d happily sleep in his bed with him, even though we have spare rooms. I’d never have done that.

stillavid · 28/12/2023 18:19

@Torganer I think it is easier to be more relaxed when your DC is at university and not living at home fulltime to be fair.

I don't mind people staying over in the holidays but wouldn't love it full-time all year round.

Torganer · 28/12/2023 18:22

@stillavid no, I said I was home for Christmas with aforementioned boyfriend.

Original poster
Tryingtobeanokmum · 28/12/2023 18:24

Torganer · 28/12/2023 18:16

I was at uni at 19 and had very intense relationships. So did my friends. A lot of them are still with the same person - most in fact! I took him to meet my parents at Christmas as we lived far away from each other. It’s completely normal, just leave them to it. It’s nice they came to you! They could have gone to hers or gone away together!

This is why I have asked for advice actually.

Dd is at uni and I know has lots of "sleepovers" 😉 but I think I can handle that better as she's not at home and not bringing people into our space?

It's just the 4 of us and I am more than happy to welcome anyone he likes/loves and cares for; I'd just like her to let him come home at a decent hour and I'm concerned there might be a bit of control going on.

He said a time or two that she didn't want him to go home, that she wanted him to stay etc and dh said to him, it's not about what she wants, you've a mouth in your head, use it!

I'm treading a fine line and its all new to me. He's at home full time, never brought a girl home to us and I'm feeling my way as I go.

I was nice to her when she was here, she definitely wouldn't have felt unwanted, but she does think ds is "spoiled" as I made dinner and breakfast for everyone (we're farmers and big meals is what we do) but she didn't eat anything.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 28/12/2023 18:24

I think this is the modern way, however, I’d be reminding him of his sister’s issues and reinforcing that he doesn’t bring her over lots until his sister is a bit more comfortable with the situation. I can imagine he is in the intense throes of his first relationship, but he needs to have some consideration for those in the house. If you aren’t used to him being out til 3am, he could at least text earlier to say he’s staying at hers.

itsmylife7 · 28/12/2023 18:27

Buy him condoms !

She may have the implant but nothing is 100%

He doesn't need any accidents !

BrimfulOfMash · 28/12/2023 18:27

Well.

She sounds intense and I would be alert over her disinclination to socialise with your Dd, to not want him to leave and come home, and managing ways to keep him close (the bag).

Also the disparity in working life.

My guess he is besotted with his exciting new sex life, and she is older and happy to make her preference known.

I think be positive and friendly but once he has your trust find a way to say it must be hard when you have to get up for work and she doesn’t… and talk about it takes time in a relationship to get the right balance to meet each other’s needs.

stillavid · 28/12/2023 18:30

@Torganer yes I know you said that - I was just saying it is easy for me to be relaxed as only during uni holidays - I would struggle if it was year round as I think many people would.

stillavid · 28/12/2023 18:32

@BrimfulOfMash totally agree with you. First love is very intense but the living like a couple in someone else's house does seem a little to me. But then I left home at 18 for university and had a job straight after that and rented so my relationships/sleep overs were nothing to do with my parents thank the lord.

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