Son's new GF - help me not mess up

[Tryingtobeanokmum]

Hi, name changed for this but I've been here at least 18 years!

Long story short as I can make it but would appreciate advice from those who have been here before me!

My son (19) met a girl on a night out about 3 weeks ago and has seen her every single day since. Staying out late even though he has an early rise for work the next day.

I tried to say nothing as he's an adult but I rang a time or two when I woke in the night (3am/4am) and he wasn't home, just to make sure no car accidents etc and he came home but said she hadn't wanted him to leave.

Anyway, he stayed at her house and then asked me if she could stay here.

He brought her here to meet us one evening before Christmas and she was easy to talk to and seemed nice.

Again, I don't know if this is the "modern way" but it has all moved so very fast. He's my only son and I don't want to lose him by saying no and then he goes to stay at her house all the time.

So she stayed here two nights in a row over the holidays, she's a nice girl, I can't say anything bad about her, but it's just all going so fast.

He's gone again now to her house and said he'd see me in "a day or two".

When she was here they were cooped up in his room with the TV on or on their phones, I feel like I hardly saw him over Christmas at all.

I of course don't want to get in the way of this new relationship, I guess I am just worried it's all moving too fast. He hasn't had a steady GF before, she is a couple of years older and just out of a 2 year relationship.

He asked me what I thought of her, I said she was nice (she is). I am.not going to say one negative thing about her because if I do, he'll be at hers all the time.

I have a slightly older dd, she is on the spectrum and has struggled a lot with a new person in her space over Christmas.

She did try to connect with the GF as she and her brothet are close (both in age and relationship wise) but the GF said she doesn't have siblings and found it "weird" that ds and dd chilled together, so dd is feeling a bit put out.

How do I handle this without a) her moving in here or b) him moving out and c) without dd and ds's good relationship hitting the rocks?

Surely every single day is too much or am I just old fashioned? (Though I did let her stay over)

DD(19) has a boyfriend who stays here sometimes but if he turned up in his "jammies" he'd be told to go home and put some clothes on. My DD would actually be the one sending him away.

I can't believe the shit some MNetters will put up with for fear of upsetting their adult children.

She sounds needy and controlling, plus unemployed, so pretty shit girlfriend material

Yep! I take it DS has abandoned his friends. Its really important to hold onto your pals when you're in a relationship that will hopefully run its course soon.

I have no opinion on whether the new gf is good, bad or indifferent, but I'm a grandmother now and my relationships were always intense like that. This is nothing new.

Intense relationships aren't "new" but the entitlement is.

He is still in touch with them and chats on phone and via Snapchat, but hasn't been out with them (without her).

He did once and laughingly told me she saw where he was on snapmaps and "wanted to go join them" I told him this wasn't right and he said I didn't understand.

He was meant to go out with them on NYE but now he's going out in her area with her friends.

She's unemployed and leaves her dirty laundry for you? Urgh

Ds has to text and let us know of he's staying out all night and he's a lot older than 19, just as I would let dh know and vice versa,it's just common courtesy.

Ds and his gf stay here or at her place but she'd never leave dirty washing on the bathroom floor,you need to nip that in the bud asap.

Maybe put a limit on how many days she can stay over and tell your ds now so she doesn't move in by stealth.

It's your house,you set the rules.

There are some on mn who think that once your child reaches 18 you should leave them to it, stop doing anything practical for them, leave them to make their own mistakes.

I think those people haven't had adult children yet, or weren't modelled a healthy pattern of parent / adult child relationships. Because of course your children will still need you sometimes once they are an adult. In some ways they'll need you more than ever. As a child, they need you for very practical day to day things that will keep them safe and well and happy. As a young adult they are starting to negotiate things like failing exams, missing out on uni places, failing to get a job they'd set their heart on, worrying about paying their bills once they have their own place, broken hearts, and negotiating relationships. If you say 'they're an adult now, they're on their own, I shouldn't interfere' - then you're letting them down. That's exactly when they need to know that someone who loves them unconditionally, and wants what's best for them, has their back. Someone they trust will happily give advice when it's appropiate. Someone they can turn to when things go wrong.

It isn't about interfering or treating them like a child. No more than if you supported a sister or friend or DH through a tricky time, or talked to them if you felt they were at risk in some way. It's what we do for people we care for, and that includes other adults. And surely we care for our children more than anyone else, and have a duty to them more than anyone else? How many posts on mn are about people concerned for their friend / sister / parent, and wanting to do something to help?

Your son's gf is showing some concerning behaviour. You are right not to alienate him, and staying close to him, and being welcoming to her, is good advice. Whilst also gently pointing out any warning signs / red flags. If you ignore seriously worrying issues, your son could take that as being normal behaviour, because noone else seems to have noticed it. Again, just the same as if I was concerned a friend was in a potentially controlling relationship. But moreso, because this is your child.

I have a rule for ds (20) that he has to let me know if he's not coming home at night - he can message me at anytime throughout the night to let me know and it means I won't be lying awake worrying because he's not back - he's ok with that as it's just basic manners.

He also only has his girlfriend to stay if it's the weekend as we all have to get up for work and have time slots for the bathroom, an extra person just mucks that up.

Yoj could have been describing my , then 17 year old and now, over a year later they are still together, although rockier.
I think fear proper relationship is very intense .

Would I not look like an interfering old witch if I did this?

Better this than an interfering old grandmother.

My boys are 18 and 22. Both their first relationships were exactly like this. It’s all a big learning curve to them. Neither relationship lasted more than a few months, it all just burned out relatively quickly but they genuinely learned a few good lessons along the way.

but I’m a very laid back mum and am fine with gfs coming and going in the house. I respect and understand some parents like to have stricter rules for good reason and that’s fine too 😊

Way too many red flags for me I'm afraid!

Controlling behaviour, overstepping boundaries, love bombing combined with mental health problems.

It will be difficult to get your son to see this but when he starts to get in trouble for being late for work look out. She'll convince him he doesn't need to work and how much fun they'll have if he's with her all day!

I don't care if this is 'normal' for relationships. This is his first gf and he has no benchmark for comparison. He needs gentle questioning, 'how does that make you feel when she says...', 'what do you think will happen if.....'

Please read this thread:

To think SOMEONE must be able to do something? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4646499-to-think-someone-must-be-able-to-do-something?msgid=-4646499#-4646499

This would have me worried. She has her grips into him.
Mental health issues so not working and not making any money.
Jealous of his relationship with his Sister.
Not wanting him to leave her on a night.
Only socialising with her friends not his.
Joining him with his family over Christmas, not giving him any time alone.
He’s young and impressionable and will be enjoying his new sexual relationship which will be clouding his judgement.
It’s a very difficult situation to manoeuvre as a Mother.
Keep talking to him. Encourage him to spend time away from her and with his family/friends without sounding negative about his GF.
Tread very carefully. She sounds manipulative.

This was perfectly normal back when I was 18/19 and that was 25 years ago. 😬 We didn’t go out for ‘dates’ much as couldn’t afford it anyway and it was nicer just to hang out together. If it’s disrupting home life, I think it’s fine to put a limit on overnights at yours, but I’d expect he’ll just stay at hers most of the time. I barely slept at home at that age and moved out to live with a boyfriend shortly after.

To answer a few questions.

Re: the laundry - I left it on the top of his drawers, I assume she took it home but I didn't check and I certainly didn't wash it.

I don't know what exactly the mental health problem is, how it stops her holding down a job, she's only young.

We're a close family, not just us 4 but aunts and cousins too. I can only hope he sees sense as I'm not comfortable with her here as much as she currently is (at the minute they're in his room after him spending a couple of days at hers.

I can't understand it, he's generally not the type to lie in his bed or hang about in his room and I know this is her influence - definitely.

I'm going to read that thread linked up above, thanks everyone.

The toddler days were easier!!

I haven't read all of your posts OP but I think most first relationships are intense like this. I know mine was. We met when I was just turned 18 and he was 19. Thought he was the center of my universe so saw him literally every day. We didn't go out all that much because we couldn't afford to.

I wouldn't make an issue of it because if you do, he'll likely just go to her house instead - that's what I'd have done. Then you'll see even less of him. If you try to badger him about it, it will just cause an argument between the two of you - he's a 19 year old who thinks he's in love and that he knows everything.

It's not likely to last. So id just say 'yes dear' if I were you

He's 19 op, they will be at it like rabbits in their honeymoon period. Leave them to it

I think you're overthinking

I was 19 when I met my DH. We moved in together pretty much Day 1 - rarely spent any time apart. Still very happily married 27 years later. We both knew from the first week.

She sounds a bit needy & manipulative. Hopefully it won't last too long. I would also want to know he was OK (4.00 am. accident blackspit etc). Rather rude of her not to eat any of the breakfast you cooked & also very off of her to make the snide remark about your ds & dd's close relationship. Just carry on being welcoming, supportive but keep your fingers crossed it'll fizzle out quickly.

I think just suggest a few rules message you if he isn’t coming home so you don’t worry. You are allowed to he is still your child! I think suggest he makes time for dd and him to have time together maybe once a week, as I’m guessing she struggles with change. But otherwise I think this is how relationships begin and you need to let him.

Sorry, red flag there. The girlfriend finds it weird that your son and his sister spend time together? They live in the same house and are siblings? I hate to say it but she sounds like she will come between him and his family and that she wants it all to be about her now. I’d just be careful xx