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Original poster

Son's new GF - help me not mess up

72 replies

Tryingtobeanokmum · 28/12/2023 17:41

Hi, name changed for this but I've been here at least 18 years!

Long story short as I can make it but would appreciate advice from those who have been here before me!

My son (19) met a girl on a night out about 3 weeks ago and has seen her every single day since. Staying out late even though he has an early rise for work the next day.

I tried to say nothing as he's an adult but I rang a time or two when I woke in the night (3am/4am) and he wasn't home, just to make sure no car accidents etc and he came home but said she hadn't wanted him to leave.

Anyway, he stayed at her house and then asked me if she could stay here.

He brought her here to meet us one evening before Christmas and she was easy to talk to and seemed nice.

Again, I don't know if this is the "modern way" but it has all moved so very fast. He's my only son and I don't want to lose him by saying no and then he goes to stay at her house all the time.

So she stayed here two nights in a row over the holidays, she's a nice girl, I can't say anything bad about her, but it's just all going so fast.

He's gone again now to her house and said he'd see me in "a day or two".

When she was here they were cooped up in his room with the TV on or on their phones, I feel like I hardly saw him over Christmas at all.

I of course don't want to get in the way of this new relationship, I guess I am just worried it's all moving too fast. He hasn't had a steady GF before, she is a couple of years older and just out of a 2 year relationship.

He asked me what I thought of her, I said she was nice (she is). I am.not going to say one negative thing about her because if I do, he'll be at hers all the time.

I have a slightly older dd, she is on the spectrum and has struggled a lot with a new person in her space over Christmas.

She did try to connect with the GF as she and her brothet are close (both in age and relationship wise) but the GF said she doesn't have siblings and found it "weird" that ds and dd chilled together, so dd is feeling a bit put out.

How do I handle this without a) her moving in here or b) him moving out and c) without dd and ds's good relationship hitting the rocks?

Surely every single day is too much or am I just old fashioned? (Though I did let her stay over)

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingtobeanokmum · 28/12/2023 18:35

itsmylife7 · 28/12/2023 18:27

Buy him condoms !

She may have the implant but nothing is 100%

He doesn't need any accidents !

Would I not look like an interfering old witch if I did this?

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 28/12/2023 18:37

Some relationships have always progressed quickly.

I met my husband over 25 years ago and we didn't date much but spent Christmas with a week at his parents and a week at mine.

We then got engaged and married a year later, were married for 23 years.

It's normal to spend lots of time together in relationships when you are young.

I don't see a problem here, he is growing up and losening the apron strings. His relationship with his family is going to change now.

He may stay with her he may not but hassling him about his behaviour will only drive him away.

Mintygoodness · 28/12/2023 18:38

Everything seems pretty normal for a young adult relationship. The only thing that I think crosses boundaries is if she turned up on Christmas Day without your son OKing it with the whole family. Having a new person in your family's personal space at Christmas can be a weird dynamic and unfair if it wasn't agreed to earlier by everyone. But I may have misunderstood and this was prearranged and agreed to.

Namerequired · 28/12/2023 18:38

Does she live alone? You need to set your boundaries, and trust your son is close enough to yous to want to maintain his relationship. You need to protect your daughters well being too.
He probably will stay at hers but will probably miss home soon enough, whereas the way you have it, if he wants to go home she will just say I’ll come too! My son stayed at his girlfriends but loved coming home away from her too tbh. Even when he was in uni and she practically moved in, he would head home for the weekend needing his space. I think he still wants to do that sometimes and they live together now.
It’s too much too soon imo. I also wouldn’t be keen on the fact she doesn’t work and comes around a strangers/boyfriends parents in her jammies when they’ve just met.
Speak to your son about maintaining the relationship with his sister too if this carries on much longer.

Original poster
Tryingtobeanokmum · 28/12/2023 18:38

BrimfulOfMash · 28/12/2023 18:27

Well.

She sounds intense and I would be alert over her disinclination to socialise with your Dd, to not want him to leave and come home, and managing ways to keep him close (the bag).

Also the disparity in working life.

My guess he is besotted with his exciting new sex life, and she is older and happy to make her preference known.

I think be positive and friendly but once he has your trust find a way to say it must be hard when you have to get up for work and she doesn’t… and talk about it takes time in a relationship to get the right balance to meet each other’s needs.

Thank you!!

This is what I need to do.

When I asked him what he wanted on his plate for breakfast (fry up) she said omg do u still make him his breakfast? I wouldn't be doing that...

I didn't even reply. But when you're cooking packets of bacon and sausage it's no odds how.many you cook for.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingtobeanokmum · 28/12/2023 18:40

Namerequired · 28/12/2023 18:38

Does she live alone? You need to set your boundaries, and trust your son is close enough to yous to want to maintain his relationship. You need to protect your daughters well being too.
He probably will stay at hers but will probably miss home soon enough, whereas the way you have it, if he wants to go home she will just say I’ll come too! My son stayed at his girlfriends but loved coming home away from her too tbh. Even when he was in uni and she practically moved in, he would head home for the weekend needing his space. I think he still wants to do that sometimes and they live together now.
It’s too much too soon imo. I also wouldn’t be keen on the fact she doesn’t work and comes around a strangers/boyfriends parents in her jammies when they’ve just met.
Speak to your son about maintaining the relationship with his sister too if this carries on much longer.

She lives with one parents, has no contact with the other and has no siblings or extended family (from what she says anyway)

OP posts:
Mintygoodness · 28/12/2023 18:41

Making breakfast for anyone in your own home is up to you. I wouldn't be phased by comments like this.

Differentstarts · 28/12/2023 18:42

He's just enjoying his new sex life and she has eupd so it won't last. Just take a step back and let it run its course

itsmylife7 · 28/12/2023 18:42

Tryingtobeanokmum · 28/12/2023 18:35

Would I not look like an interfering old witch if I did this?

Show quote history

As the Mother of 2
( very adult ) children I'd say NO.

I gave mine condoms from an early age and always reminded them, with a wink, don't forget the condoms.

Your son sounds very trusting and as I've said implant etc, accidents happen.

Better to be safe than sorry.
Or get his Dad to do it.

greenfingers22 · 28/12/2023 18:43

I'm 30 now but this is exactly how relationships were when I was that age so I wouldn't worry or get involved!

stillavid · 28/12/2023 18:43

Just put condoms in a bowl in the bathroom or his room in a draw.

I have always talked to my boys a lot about enthusiastic consent and being safe - they visibly recoil but hey, that's my job.

Original poster
Tryingtobeanokmum · 28/12/2023 18:43

Differentstarts · 28/12/2023 18:42

He's just enjoying his new sex life and she has eupd so it won't last. Just take a step back and let it run its course

What's eupd?

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 28/12/2023 18:44

When you say about the cooking him breakfast I'm kind of on her side to be honest.

She is seeing him as an adult and she's noticing that his mum does a lot of his chores for him. That makes him pretty bad boyfriend material to be honest.

Plenty of posts on here about men who expect women to cook all their meals etc; general consensus is this is a bad thing.

You seem to be still seeing him as a child - happy to cook for him, you phone him at 4 am if he is not home etc.
I'd suggest lengthening the apron strings - might be time he grew up a bit?

Differentstarts · 28/12/2023 18:46

Tryingtobeanokmum · 28/12/2023 18:43

What's eupd?

Show quote history

Emotionally unstable personality disorder its the new term for bpd borderline personality disorder

rainbowbee · 28/12/2023 18:50

It's normal for that age. I was the same with my first. I would keep out of it with one exception- how it affects your eldest with a random stranger in her space. It's her house too.
My dsis was allowed her boyfriends to stay at that age. I wasn't around too much (uni) but was made very uncomfortable by (to me) a random man staying all of Christmas, more years than one. As this is another woman it might be less awkward but still maybe some house rules.

qazxc · 28/12/2023 18:50

He is an adult, so it's up to him but he still needs to be considerate.
If he is staying over at hers, it doesn't take long to fire off a text to let you know so that you don't worry about car accidents for example.
Your home, your rules. You are more than entitled to say no dirty washing, limits on time spent by gf because of dd needing her space,....

workworkworkugh · 28/12/2023 18:51

My 19 year old DS is the same with his GF. They met and would see each other occasionally through the week then all of a sudden it's every single day either staying at our house or her parents.
We like her, she's lovely, but it's like they're playing house except they don't have to pay for anything or pick up after themselves.
It all seems too much to me too.

PinkTonic · 28/12/2023 18:57

Octavia64 · 28/12/2023 18:44

When you say about the cooking him breakfast I'm kind of on her side to be honest.

She is seeing him as an adult and she's noticing that his mum does a lot of his chores for him. That makes him pretty bad boyfriend material to be honest.

Plenty of posts on here about men who expect women to cook all their meals etc; general consensus is this is a bad thing.

You seem to be still seeing him as a child - happy to cook for him, you phone him at 4 am if he is not home etc.
I'd suggest lengthening the apron strings - might be time he grew up a bit?

She sounds needy and controlling, plus unemployed, so pretty shit girlfriend material. No wonder his mother is concerned.

Christmasmug · 28/12/2023 19:12

Sounds pretty normal to me that they want to be together all the time so I wouldn't be worried from that perspective but I do think there needs to be clear boundaries which take into account everyone's needs and feelings, especially DD's. Speak to DD about what would be bearable for her (a certain amount of notice/a limit on how many nights etc) and then figure out a compromise. I think you will have to come to terms with him being at GF's house more than you'd like, this is the beginning of him pulling away and becoming an independent adult but it can be a somewhat gradual thing if everyone is considerate and willing to be a bit flexible. I also think a word in DS's ear about trying to smooth over what his GF said to DD might be a good idea, it would be a shame if they got off on the wrong foot.

Original poster
Tryingtobeanokmum · 28/12/2023 19:14

Christmasmug · 28/12/2023 19:12

Sounds pretty normal to me that they want to be together all the time so I wouldn't be worried from that perspective but I do think there needs to be clear boundaries which take into account everyone's needs and feelings, especially DD's. Speak to DD about what would be bearable for her (a certain amount of notice/a limit on how many nights etc) and then figure out a compromise. I think you will have to come to terms with him being at GF's house more than you'd like, this is the beginning of him pulling away and becoming an independent adult but it can be a somewhat gradual thing if everyone is considerate and willing to be a bit flexible. I also think a word in DS's ear about trying to smooth over what his GF said to DD might be a good idea, it would be a shame if they got off on the wrong foot.

Dd is away at uni and only home the odd weekend. She was home for Christmas; so I hope it doesn't become an issue.

Thanks for all the advice. I will take it all on board.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 28/12/2023 19:18

What did you do with the dirty laundry you found in the bathroom(I hope you just stuck it in his room)

Tel12 · 28/12/2023 19:23

It's your house, it's ok to have some rules. When my son returned home a few years ago I told him upfront that there would be no sleepovers. I would hate people staying over that I didn't know. He's moved on now but I'm just saying it's possible to have some boundaries.

mumda · 28/12/2023 19:43

Concerned about his driving then buy him an advanced driving lesson or two.

safetyfreak · 28/12/2023 19:51

Tel12 · 28/12/2023 19:23

It's your house, it's ok to have some rules. When my son returned home a few years ago I told him upfront that there would be no sleepovers. I would hate people staying over that I didn't know. He's moved on now but I'm just saying it's possible to have some boundaries.

This.

Nothing wrong with having rules. When my DD's are older, I dont want an influx of boyfriends staying at my house.

AllAroundMyCat · 28/12/2023 20:08

If he's out late but has an early start, it's his problem, not yours