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Original poster

Can't afford to date him

53 replies

Economymum · 28/12/2023 16:53

I'm a single mother with two children divorced 2 years, separated longer. I work part time and earn an average wage with some financial support from the children's dad. He is very involved, co parent well. I'm not well off but we manage, kids have hobbies, I can cope with careful budgeting.

I was not actively looking to meet anyone. Ive been happy and content with being single. But very recently, I met someone quite randomly and got chatting about a similar interest. We have a lot of shares interests. From what I know so far, he seems kind, respectable, intelligent and I enjoy talking to him. We've been for a few dates now and he's keen to do more things together.

The problem is, he seems to have a bigger disposable income than me. His children are grown up and not as dependant. He enjoys a different lifestyle, in terms of eating out, holidays, concerts etc. It's just not what I'm used to. We've had a few casual dates where I've suggested walks, as I'm used to doing free and outdoor activities with the kids, but now he wants to go for more meals out and things, I just don't know what to do. I'm considering just telling him that I can't see him due to the fact we are at different stages and have different lifestyle expectations?? Just because it seems so awkward to say to him, I can't afford this!

Before I had kids, I was career driven but now I don't have a huge interest in earning money and I'd much rather be at home as much as possible with them and avoid childcare costs. It was my plan to go back to work full time once they were up a little bit.

Would you be honest and say this as a way to explain? I really enjoy talking to him but I don't want him or anyone to think I'm hanging on expecting a free ticket to lots of places.

Dating is complicated and why I've stayed away so long!

OP posts:
category12 · 28/12/2023 17:12

I think it's a little silly to give him the heave-ho because you don't want to have a quick income level talk, if you like him.

Can't you just say "Being honest, I'm on a tight budget, so that sort of thing isn't in my price range. Can we just stick to what we're doing?"

If he's not happy with it, he can walk.
If he pushes you to exceed your budget, you can walk.
If he offers to treat you, you can weigh up how you feel about that.

LuckyLinda3 · 28/12/2023 17:15

I second having a conversation. He sounds decent and I definitely wouldn't walk away without chatting about it.
At least then you can both have an input into what happens next.
All the best.

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 28/12/2023 17:22

I would have an honest chat with him, of the type you describe. I'm the same, I've just got with somebody for whom life just seems to be a succession of days out and treats, without a thought to where the money comes from. He's very generous but even with me paying the smaller amount (ie popcorn at the cinema when he gets the tickets) it is truthfully too much for me, although I would never say anything because I feel embarrassed. As with you, the suggestion of walks/coffee are brushed aside. But I would like to do something where we can contribute equally like that, or where I don't feel like a burden. I'm also reluctant to call him to meet spontaneously because I can never just pop round. It always has to be insert expensive event

Squiggles23 · 28/12/2023 17:22

I think now more than ever people’s disposable income will be wildly different. For example, some people’s mortgages will have gone sky high and for the first time they might struggle. What I mean to say is there’s never really been a better time to have that conversation.

If he’s happy paying for meals out then great and you can make him a nice meal in another time as a thank you.

Don’t let it be a factor unless he reacts badly or doesn’t respect your wishes.

SamW98 · 28/12/2023 17:24

I’ve been in a similar position. I met a nice guy but he owns a profitable business and likes the finer things in life and I could never have afforded to keep up with his lifestyle so I called it off pretty quickly.

You need to be honest with him from the start, explaining how money is tight and you prefer simple dates.

Personally I don’t feel comfortable letting men pay for me but if he offers, maybe think about it for his choice of more expensive dates.

Original poster
Economymum · 28/12/2023 17:25

Thank you @category12 . I do feel it might be silly and not very grown up to just duck out because it's an uncomfortable area to talk about.

I get the feeling that he would want to treat me a lot. He's already paid for a show for us to see soon. I honestly think he is just a very kind person and I wouldn't want to take advantage of his nature. He's not showy, just likes to enjoy life a bit and comes from a wealthy family where as I've been on my own from 16! Feels a bit mismatched upbringing...does class affect new relationships...its uncomfortable talking about it this early on. But suppose needs must if it means there's a chance we do continue to see where it goes. Thanks for your suggestion on how to put it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Economymum · 28/12/2023 17:29

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 28/12/2023 17:22

I would have an honest chat with him, of the type you describe. I'm the same, I've just got with somebody for whom life just seems to be a succession of days out and treats, without a thought to where the money comes from. He's very generous but even with me paying the smaller amount (ie popcorn at the cinema when he gets the tickets) it is truthfully too much for me, although I would never say anything because I feel embarrassed. As with you, the suggestion of walks/coffee are brushed aside. But I would like to do something where we can contribute equally like that, or where I don't feel like a burden. I'm also reluctant to call him to meet spontaneously because I can never just pop round. It always has to be insert expensive event

Yes I'm completely the same....even coffees in coffee shops for me are a huge treat and something carefully planned out in my life! But it's the embaressment this is bringing..I'm not embaressed myself, if you know what I mean. I am grateful for the things I have and the kids and I do stuff, but free things are a must.

Yeah, start as I mean to go on and just be honest. If he's as kind as I think he is, he'll understand. At least it opens up understanding.

OP posts:
Violet877 · 28/12/2023 17:30

He sounds nice, I wouldn’t end things this early just yet… I would say you can’t afford to do these expensive things and see what he says. Maybe can still continue going for walks etc if he’s keen on you.

If he offers to treat you then see how you feel, but it might be nice occasionally if he wants to! It would be a shame to miss out on a potential just because of money at this stage. Hope all goes well.

Ladyj84 · 28/12/2023 17:30

Yay a mum that wants to do things with her children love it..and hey be honest with the guy, how is he supposed to know if you say nothing. Sounds like he could be a keeper to me

Fidgety31 · 28/12/2023 17:34

I think background and class affect relationships more than people realise .
I come from poverty , have worked my way to a semi decent life…. But the differing attitude/lack of understanding that you often find from people who’ve never struggled etc can become quite irritating .

Globules · 28/12/2023 17:39

I hear you!

Only last week I had a chat with the guy I'm seeing about the price of doughnuts.

I wanted some sort of cake. He suggested the Krispy Kreme cabinet in Tesco. I replied with "doughnuts, great idea" and picked up 5 raspberry own brand doughnuts for £1. He couldn't understand why I didn't get a KK.

It led to a conversation where I had to explain that a KK is a treat that I need to really want to spend £3 on 1. And how my outlook on spending differs from his. For him, he buys what he wants, when he wants. He'll happily put things on the credit card with no mind to it. I've been in the cinema tickets/popcorn (I never buy cinema popcorn as it's too expensive!) and feeling like I'm having too many meals out scenarios.

It's been manageable for the past year, but his income is due to go up exponentially in the next 6 months, so I feel it's a conversation we'll be repeatedly revisiting. I know he'll be alright with it, but I know him well enough to have the conversation.

I guess the question is @Economymum , is he worth having the conversation with?

TinyYellow · 28/12/2023 17:40

I agree you just need to chat to him. He will respect you for it and if he wants to enjoy things with you that cost more money he will be happy to pay for it.

It’s not that unusual for men to be higher earners and pay for most things. It’s a fairly recent thing for women to be expected to pay 50/50 yet we still don’t have equality in terms of incomes.

Livinghappy · 28/12/2023 17:44

@Economymum is he much older than you? Just thinking if there is potential for other incompatibilities down the line..such as holidays, especially if you are restricted to school holidays.

Dating later in life is trickier as there are many more factors to take into account. Be honest about your finances. If he's worldly he is likely to be aware of financial challenges, if not is he the right person for you to date?

Needhelpsupport · 28/12/2023 17:45

TinyYellow · 28/12/2023 17:40

I agree you just need to chat to him. He will respect you for it and if he wants to enjoy things with you that cost more money he will be happy to pay for it.

It’s not that unusual for men to be higher earners and pay for most things. It’s a fairly recent thing for women to be expected to pay 50/50 yet we still don’t have equality in terms of incomes.

Exactly this .

Usernamen · 28/12/2023 17:47

Fidgety31 · 28/12/2023 17:34

I think background and class affect relationships more than people realise .
I come from poverty , have worked my way to a semi decent life…. But the differing attitude/lack of understanding that you often find from people who’ve never struggled etc can become quite irritating .

I have to agree with this.

If a coffee out is a big deal to you that needs to be pre-planned and budgeted for, and he’s buying theatre tickets for two willy nilly, then that does seem to be a substantial difference in lifestyle. And on top of that he comes from a rich family, so you may find that you have fundamentally different approaches to money/life/the future.

starynightskys · 28/12/2023 17:48

My sister met a well off man and thought the same.
The first month of them seeing each other went like this.
So one night she flat out told him im to bloody poor to afford to go out.
Never been on a plan coz im skint and to top it for you im on benefits (i was there it was funny with what she was saying;)
He just looked at her and said AND i like you for you you only had to tell me.
5 year on planing their wedding for summer.
She now has a job in asda.

Beautiful3 · 28/12/2023 17:48

Honestly I'd just talk to him. I'd explain that, "I'm on a low income, so cannot afford to go out for meals and concerts etc. Walks and coffees would be better for me." See what he says and update us!

maclen · 28/12/2023 17:49

Be honest. I dated someone that couldn't keep up with me financially and he got himself into debt rather than speak up. I had no idea!

TiddyTidTwo · 28/12/2023 17:49

He sounds really nice OP. Hope all goes well for you.

colouringindoors · 28/12/2023 17:50

Ah I sympathise OP, this is a concern of mine if I ever start dating again. I would be ok with someone treating me ocassionally but not say every week... Like others have said, a chat is needed. Hope you manage to work it out together.

Arabels · 28/12/2023 17:50

Great post @TinyYellow.

You just have to talk about it right away. That’s what it’s like dating later in life-whatever your circumstances, you need to be happy with the terms. It’s not just about money, it’s about it what you have to share, and what mutual care might look like in the future. I’m with someone who earns a lot, from a poor background, who is a useless cook. I’m privileged, but a single mum on a low income, who likes nice food. We are negotiating a balance!

Arabels · 28/12/2023 18:06

Usernamen · 28/12/2023 17:47

I have to agree with this.

If a coffee out is a big deal to you that needs to be pre-planned and budgeted for, and he’s buying theatre tickets for two willy nilly, then that does seem to be a substantial difference in lifestyle. And on top of that he comes from a rich family, so you may find that you have fundamentally different approaches to money/life/the future.

Show quote history

Well, sure, but you’re never going to go out with someone exactly like you, are you? It’s the communication that matters. And really wanting and trying to understand each other.

Original poster
Economymum · 28/12/2023 18:09

Thank you everyone for taking the time to offer advice. After reading these I have managed to message him! He gave me the perfect opportunity as he'd just asked if I wanted to go see a music band preforming soon!
I just said that I wanted to explain some things to him early on....said about being on a tighter budget than what it seemed like for him, having younger kids, choosing to work less/ earn less to fit around them more, that treats weren't something I did much, but I'm happier going for walks etc anyways.

OP posts:
IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 28/12/2023 18:09

If he likes you for you, it won't matter what you're doing, he'll be happy to spend time with you. But definitely tell him what you can and can't afford to do, and what you enjoy doing so you are both able to plan properly for your dates.

If he sees you as someone he wants to be with longer term, he'll do what makes you comfortable and treat you occasionally. As any decent partner would. And as you would, roles reversed.

Original poster
Economymum · 28/12/2023 18:22

He messaged back saying he's glad I shared how I felt and he understood that these things are expensive and I that I might feel indebted to him. He said he likes giving and expects nothing in return. I do feel much better saying it now, then he knows what to expect.

OP posts: