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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Drunken row, now getting the silent treatment

57 replies

TTC89Njna · 28/12/2023 13:56

Two days ago, DP and I had too much to drink. Neither of us is a big drinker. We've both been stressed and having a hard time, this Christmas was always going to be hard. While drunk, DP kept badgering me with questions and topics I didn't want to talk about anymore. I tried to shut it down. I said I wanted to watch a film and relax but he kept going. And I snapped. I brought up all the things I've ever been mildly annoyed about in the last 5 years and made them out to be horrible. I was horrible, truly awful. I shouted and said things I didn't mean. I apologised the next day, I explained I overreacted to the badgering and I regretted what I had said etc. Took responsibility, I should have known better than having a drink when I was so anxious already and apologised profusely.

He accepted my apology but now won't speak to me. He's backed out of booking a holiday (we were meant to buy the flights this week). He blames me entirely, and just can't bring himself to engage with me. He says there is nothing to talk about.

I have given him space but it's absolute torture. I wish he'd just break up with me now than live like this for even another hour.

Just looking for some advice. I'm too embarrassed to talk to anyone in real life.

OP posts:
Original poster
TTC89Njna · 28/12/2023 14:26

Anyone?

OP posts:
PTSDBarbiegirl · 28/12/2023 14:29

Maybe it's time to break up with him. OK you said things you don't mean that may have hurt but you apologised and gave him time. He should have respected your feelings at the time and left well alone. Go on holiday yourself and think if you want to be with someone this petulant.

MILTOBE · 28/12/2023 14:29

What you did was horrible, but does he bear any of the responsibility for what happened? Why didn't he just watch a movie with you instead of badgering you?

Original poster
TTC89Njna · 28/12/2023 14:35

He really should bear a small part of the responsibility. He was going on and on with a question we had discussed at length (my future job choices) for hours. I couldn't talk about it anymore. I did attempt to shut it down and said I couldn't talk about it anymore. He just wouldn't stop. Because he was drunk! Very drunk. And I get that. I just wish we could go past it and resolve it.

A fight like this, when we were so drunk (which is completely out of character) should be something we can talk over and move on. Maybe I was too hurtful, or I hit a nerve. Wish he would tell me if that's the case.

OP posts:
wasanneofcleves · 28/12/2023 14:40

TTC89Njna · 28/12/2023 14:35

He really should bear a small part of the responsibility. He was going on and on with a question we had discussed at length (my future job choices) for hours. I couldn't talk about it anymore. I did attempt to shut it down and said I couldn't talk about it anymore. He just wouldn't stop. Because he was drunk! Very drunk. And I get that. I just wish we could go past it and resolve it.

A fight like this, when we were so drunk (which is completely out of character) should be something we can talk over and move on. Maybe I was too hurtful, or I hit a nerve. Wish he would tell me if that's the case.

I'm not sure I agree OP. It's one thing to badger you about something you didn't want to talk about and understandable that you would "snap" from that badgering but it's not understandable to snap in such a way as to bring up lots of unrelated topics and grievances from the past 5 years. It does sound like you're the one at fault here other than him potentially owing you an apology for badgering you but I think insisting on an apology from him muddies the waters a bit and attempts to minimise your behaviour. If you said lots of genuinely awful and hurtful things then I suppose he's allowed to be upset with you although I agree that ultimately if you are going to move forward with the relationship then you need to be able to discuss it and move on at some point.

Seaweed42 · 28/12/2023 14:43

I guess you may have said things that were very hurtful.
Stuff he had no notion that you were hurt about.

It seems you two don't really communicate that well if all this stuff is under the surface and not said - ever.

Hopefully there weren't children in the house when this drunken shouting match was on.

It's only been two days, he may need time to process what was said.

You can't expect him to just be nicey nicey just to make you feel better.

It's hard to really know, because we don't know what went on.

But sounds like he was asking you about one particular thing - the job stuff (that maybe you talk about a lot when you feel like it), but when you got annoyed with that, you attacked him with a load of personal remarks.

Original poster
TTC89Njna · 28/12/2023 14:44

@wasanneofcleves I didn't ask for an apology from him at all. In my mind, yes I wish he acknowledged it. But I have not mentioned it at all. All I've done is apologise profusely and own up that 1) I should not have drunk so much and 2) that the things I said were awful, not actually true and I didn't mean them.

OP posts:
LusaBatoosa · 28/12/2023 14:47

How long have you been together/how serious is the relationship? And what sort of thing did you say to him?

Original poster
TTC89Njna · 28/12/2023 14:47

@Seaweed42 yes, you have it spot on. I brought up stuff he wouldn't even know I was ever upset about. We don't really talk about any issues, ever. I bear all the responsibilities for everything, he gets to carry on and do what he wants, and I have a lot of frustrations that have been building up.

Maybe the relationship has run its course. Still wish he'd tell me that.

OP posts:
LusaBatoosa · 28/12/2023 14:48

We don't really talk about any issues, ever. I bear all the responsibilities for everything, he gets to carry on and do what he wants, and I have a lot of frustrations that have been building up.

Well, this sounds terrible.

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 28/12/2023 14:50

In vino veritas

AuntMarch · 28/12/2023 14:54

LusaBatoosa · 28/12/2023 14:48

We don't really talk about any issues, ever. I bear all the responsibilities for everything, he gets to carry on and do what he wants, and I have a lot of frustrations that have been building up.

Well, this sounds terrible.

I wasted 7 years in a relationship like this. Any time I did try and talk about something I was a bit annoyed about it was a big row. And he just didn't.

It was not healthy and my mental health was at its lowest by the time I realised it.

SuffolkUnicorn · 28/12/2023 14:55

No way would I stay with him

silent treatment another form of abuse

Theinnocenteyeballsinthesky · 28/12/2023 14:57

Maybe the relationship has run its course. Still wish he'd tell me that.

why do you need to wait for him to tell you the relationship has run its course? If you feel it has then make the decision to split. Why do you need him to say it?

Yert · 28/12/2023 14:57

Maybe the relationship has run its course and you can be the person to end it. It’s doesn’t have to be him.

averythinline · 28/12/2023 15:03

Why are you waiting for him to say it though.. you're an adult quite within your right to say this isn't working...
Drunk arguments are not great but if you have had to suppress stuff for years then there's something wrong.....
This doesn't sound like the relationship for you.... Shouldn't be all that stress and inability to communicate how you feel..
Save your holiday money or go with a friend/yourself.... Move on

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 28/12/2023 15:04

I don't know, it sounds like you did give him a bit of a character assassination. You listed every single thing you hated about him and pissed on every single thing he'd done for the last five years. I don't think I'd want to go on holiday with someone that thought that way of me either. This wasn't just a drunken "fuck off", I think it's going to take a bit of time and more than one apology to repair that damage. Even now you're on here trying to find reasons why it's his fault, rather than accepting he might be right not to want to talk to you.

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 28/12/2023 15:05

Also it wasn't "a row" you just kicked off at him.

LadyGeorginaSmythe · 28/12/2023 15:05

We had a massive drunken row about 6 months ago. At the time we agreed we'd divorce. We didn't really speak for about a week and somehow life had gone back to normal. Maybe happier than it was before, because the oomph and resolve I had to end things after the argument has all dissipated. I have no idea if that's good or bad because I suspect for a lot of the time we're together out of apathy, we've committed years to this relationship so we may as well stick it out...the whole sunk costs fallacy.
So we're neither happy nor unhappy and just plodding on. Honestly I don't want to plod forever. If I imagine old and stuff, I can't imagine it without DH so I guess it's worth working at.
How do you see your future OP? Do you have enough to want to work at it? Is the row a one off and totally out of character, or a long awaited opportunity to raise the issues that have been building resentment for years? What do you want to happen next?

Original poster
TTC89Njna · 28/12/2023 15:12

@Theredfoxfliesatmidnight yes you have it right. It was a complete and unexpected character assassination. It comes from years of bottling everything up, doing everything, paying for everything, carrying all responsibilities. Maybe I am sabotaging this relationship myself.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 28/12/2023 15:14

TTC89Njna · 28/12/2023 14:47

@Seaweed42 yes, you have it spot on. I brought up stuff he wouldn't even know I was ever upset about. We don't really talk about any issues, ever. I bear all the responsibilities for everything, he gets to carry on and do what he wants, and I have a lot of frustrations that have been building up.

Maybe the relationship has run its course. Still wish he'd tell me that.

Why don't you tell him that?

Original poster
TTC89Njna · 28/12/2023 15:16

This thread is very helpful, thank you everyone. It's giving me lots to think about. Maybe I am just horrible, unable to discuss issues when they arise and better off on my own.

OP posts:
Original poster
TTC89Njna · 28/12/2023 15:18

I've just turned 35 and have fertility issues. If I break things off, this is it for me. And honestly I can't face that truth.

OP posts:
Yert · 28/12/2023 15:21

Or maybe he is taking the piss and you have had enough of it. It doesn’t sound like a fair division to be honest. Why are you paying for everything?

Theinnocenteyeballsinthesky · 28/12/2023 15:21

TTC89Njna · 28/12/2023 15:12

@Theredfoxfliesatmidnight yes you have it right. It was a complete and unexpected character assassination. It comes from years of bottling everything up, doing everything, paying for everything, carrying all responsibilities. Maybe I am sabotaging this relationship myself.

why On Earth would you want this relationship to carry on? 🤷🏻‍♀️ it sounds awful