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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Drunken row, now getting the silent treatment

57 replies

TTC89Njna · 28/12/2023 13:56

Two days ago, DP and I had too much to drink. Neither of us is a big drinker. We've both been stressed and having a hard time, this Christmas was always going to be hard. While drunk, DP kept badgering me with questions and topics I didn't want to talk about anymore. I tried to shut it down. I said I wanted to watch a film and relax but he kept going. And I snapped. I brought up all the things I've ever been mildly annoyed about in the last 5 years and made them out to be horrible. I was horrible, truly awful. I shouted and said things I didn't mean. I apologised the next day, I explained I overreacted to the badgering and I regretted what I had said etc. Took responsibility, I should have known better than having a drink when I was so anxious already and apologised profusely.

He accepted my apology but now won't speak to me. He's backed out of booking a holiday (we were meant to buy the flights this week). He blames me entirely, and just can't bring himself to engage with me. He says there is nothing to talk about.

I have given him space but it's absolute torture. I wish he'd just break up with me now than live like this for even another hour.

Just looking for some advice. I'm too embarrassed to talk to anyone in real life.

OP posts:

Blanca87 · 28/12/2023 15:23

Why were you paying for everything over 5 years? To be fair I would have exploded way before now. Was it character assassination or hard truths that were delivered poorly?
if you can’t feel free to communicate your feelings then you are most definitely in the wrong relationship. Every one makes mistakes and it seems you are atoning yours. Think about if this really what you want, I could not be with someone who happily freeloads off me.

Theinnocenteyeballsinthesky · 28/12/2023 15:24

TTC89Njna · 28/12/2023 15:18

I've just turned 35 and have fertility issues. If I break things off, this is it for me. And honestly I can't face that truth.

im childless and well past being able to have children now so i do know how it feels to really want a child and it not happen but it isn’t fair on a child to bring them into a toxic relationship

fatandhappy47 · 28/12/2023 15:24

TTC89Njna · 28/12/2023 15:18

I've just turned 35 and have fertility issues. If I break things off, this is it for me. And honestly I can't face that truth.

But bringing a baby into this wouldn't be ideal either?

tribpot · 28/12/2023 15:24

It comes from years of bottling everything up, doing everything, paying for everything, carrying all responsibilities.

How do you get from that to

Maybe I am sabotaging this relationship myself.

Why isn't it his behaviour (prior to the drunken night) that is sabotaging the relationship?

You said I bear all the responsibilities for everything, he gets to carry on and do what he wants. Why would anyone want that long term? I'm not surprised that, after him badgering you for hours after you asked him not to, you lost control. It sounds like it was long overdue. The way it happened was unfortunate but the need for it to happen seems clear.

Why do you think you didn't discuss issues as they arose? Based on his reaction to this incident, I suspect it's because you knew you would get the silent treatment / made to feel like it was your fault. So you just carried on and carried on until you couldn't any more.

I think you are better off on your own than living like this. But that doesn't mean you're a horrible person, it means you're in a horrible relationship.

randomstress · 28/12/2023 15:29

Sometimes relationships just don't work.
It doesn't mean either of you are bad people or deserve lots of criticism.
But in this case it doesn't sound like a very equal relationship and maybe these things needed saying.
It definitely doesn't sound like a relationship to bring kids into.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 28/12/2023 15:30

Maybe I am just horrible, unable to discuss issues when they arise and better off on my own.

I doubt you are horrible. Any relationship needs communication. If he refuses to do this, the relationship does not have much chance. What you did is less than ideal, but it does not sound like you have many options.

Terrribletwos · 28/12/2023 15:32

Sounds like the relationship is over.

You said a lot of stuff, so did he but the fact that he won't let it go (as you would do) sounds like it's a no go from here.
If he can't move on from some drunken truth telling and you can there is a problem.
He holds a grudge when you both should be moving on means he's not a keeper...😞

Original poster

TTC89Njna · 28/12/2023 15:38

We moved abroad a few years ago and that has been the cause of the imbalance between us and a LOT of stress. We're moving back to the UK soon and that should be the end of our issues. But we do have a lot of unresolved issues from this period which I thought I could forget and just move on. Maybe I can't and the wine brought it all out.

OP posts:

overwhelmed2023 · 28/12/2023 15:39

But apologies only work up to a point- if you said things he considers are game - changers or unforgivable he may not be able to move past those and may need time to recover and consider if he can forgive. If he is shamed, it may be that he is hiding/ withdrawing and it's over for him.

Ellie56 · 28/12/2023 15:40

Maybe the relationship has run its course. Still wish he'd tell me that.

You don't have to wait for him to decide it's over. You tell the freeloading arsehole it's no longer working for you.

This relationship sounds toxic and is not one to bring a child into.

14Q · 28/12/2023 15:42

TTC89Njna · 28/12/2023 15:18

I've just turned 35 and have fertility issues. If I break things off, this is it for me. And honestly I can't face that truth.

How long have you been together? It sounds like a bad relationship if you bottle things up and feel unable to discuss issues. You can't stay with him just because you want a kid. That would be massively unfair on him, you and any child. It would also be very deceitful of you.

It's a difficult position to be in.

Original poster

TTC89Njna · 28/12/2023 16:00

We've been together over 6 years. Honestly, being abroad has brought so much imbalance in our relationship and it's been so stressful, it's overwhelming. Moving back to the UK will resolve it all but maybe too much damage has been done. We've supported each other through so much stuff and we are normally great together.

OP posts:

Bature · 28/12/2023 16:02

TTC89Njna · 28/12/2023 15:18

I've just turned 35 and have fertility issues. If I break things off, this is it for me. And honestly I can't face that truth.

Eh, don’t be silly. I have fibroids. I didn’t meet DH till I was 36, we’ve just had our first (I’m 40) and I’m fairly sure we’re going to have two. We’re married, we’ve got the lovely house and life is pretty great.

The idea that you need to settle because this is your last chance is nonsense. You have options. Stop wasting your time in this miserable relationship and go live your best life, you get exactly one.

Grimpo · 28/12/2023 16:06

TTC89Njna · 28/12/2023 15:12

@Theredfoxfliesatmidnight yes you have it right. It was a complete and unexpected character assassination. It comes from years of bottling everything up, doing everything, paying for everything, carrying all responsibilities. Maybe I am sabotaging this relationship myself.

If you have been paying for everything and carrying all responsibilities, it isn't you who is sabotaging the relationship. Do you really want to carry on associating with a cocklodger who sulks when the truth is pointed out to him?

14Q · 28/12/2023 16:12

TTC89Njna · 28/12/2023 16:00

6 years is too short to have been having years of 'bottling things up'.

Having a kid can be extremely challenging to relationships.

JustExistingNotLiving · 28/12/2023 16:38

TTC89Njna · 28/12/2023 15:12

It sounds like there are many other issues in your relationship. Because your description the ‘mildly annoying issues’ is the sort if stuff that would be LTB territory fur many people….

A lot of those issues which you haven’t really talked about or you haven’t said the extend of the problem/annoyance.

And it all spilled out.

Id say that those things you said probably needed to be said a long time ago.
The way it came out wasn’t great. It would have been more productive to have a real conversation about it. But coming out all in one big outpour is often what resentment and bottling up does.

Both your attitudes when drunk were crap. I’d suggest to drink less fir both your sake really.

As fir him giving you the silent treatment and needing time to work it out…. Maybe. Maybe he needs time to get his head around it and make changes/have a chat to improve stuff. Or maybe it’s simply a way to punish you and make out it’s you who is all wrong, nicely avoiding to tackle what is at the root if the problem.
What I wouldn’t rely on is the idea that being in the U.K. will solve problems. Moving never changes dynamics within a couple in my experience.

Original poster

TTC89Njna · 28/12/2023 16:42

@JustExistingNotLiving yes you are right entirely and thank you for taking the time to reply. I have a lot to think about. Maybe a time out is what we needed.

The truth is if I do any more grovelling, I'll start to resent that too.

Re the drinking, I actually hardly ever drink at all and he never has more than 1-2 pints which is probably why we were in such a state. Completely out of character.

OP posts:

category12 · 28/12/2023 16:50

Ok, so when you apologised and took on all the blame, he was very happy to let you do that, and he's using the opportunity to make you the bad guy. This means none of the stuff you spoke about is getting air-time.

It's unhealthy that you have never felt able to address any of the issues you brought up in the drunken argument before. Why is that? Have you been afraid of his reaction (eg. that he'll end the relationship or stonewall you as he's doing), or is it habitual in you to suppress needs/wants/dissatisfaction (have you been like this in all the relationships you've had)?

Moving back to the UK won't solve everything, because you'll still have the same resentments over past events.

Neriah · 28/12/2023 16:54

I wish he'd just break up with me now than live like this for even another hour.

So as well as taking responsibility for his part in the argument (which, btw, I don't necessarily disagree with) he also has to take responsibility for breaking up with you? Perhaps you should prepare a list of the things that he must take responsibility for and give it to him?

If you want to break up, do it. Otherwise you are being as childish as he is.

It sounds rather like you are perfectly suited to each other.

Original poster

TTC89Njna · 28/12/2023 17:00

@Neriah I don't want to break up, I'm just trying to guess what he's thinking! Tip toeing around him for 2 days while he's clearly furious and also not speaking to me is honestly torture.

OP posts:

AgnesX · 28/12/2023 17:04

TTC89Njna · 28/12/2023 16:42

@JustExistingNotLiving yes you are right entirely and thank you for taking the time to reply. I have a lot to think about. Maybe a time out is what we needed.

The truth is if I do any more grovelling, I'll start to resent that too.

Re the drinking, I actually hardly ever drink at all and he never has more than 1-2 pints which is probably why we were in such a state. Completely out of character.

In vino veritas etc....and is generally when people say what they don't say when sober.

Your DH is probably in a state of shock. Whether that's a good thing or not is his ability to take ownership of it in a constructive manner. From what you've said he can't or won't.

You're going to have to bring this mess to an end yourself. If you want him to then don't hold your breath and do what you should have done before now.

AllAroundMyCat · 28/12/2023 17:28

SuffolkUnicorn · 28/12/2023 14:55

No way would I stay with him

silent treatment another form of abuse

Utter cobblers.

Sometimes taking time out from a situation helps you to process the situation.

SuffolkUnicorn · 28/12/2023 17:30

She’s clearly in an abusive relationship and silent treatment is abuse

Vegandiva · 28/12/2023 17:40

I don’t understand why the relationship needed to be unequal just because you were abroad? For instance if only you were able to work, what was stopping your BF from stepping up and taking on all domestic and life admin responsibilities, learning the local language etc. so as to do his share and work as a team?

Sounds like he’s less than a total waste of space, he’s just draining your emotional and financial resources and contributing nada, and you would be well rid.

Theunamedcat · 28/12/2023 17:41

Honestly fucking end the torture he badgered you and badgered you, you kicked off back retaliating went too far apologised now he is ignoring you? No toxic on all levels if he wants time out to process he can use his indoor voice and communicate that

Now you have apologised I doubt he will ever recognise his part in the argument

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