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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do people survive living together throughout the divorce process?

60 replies

sososadaboutthis · 26/12/2023 12:03

I'm just wondering how on earth we survive 9months plus of this awful limbo. We have kids and I don't want to tell them until our living arrangements will be changing (youngest has ND and anxiety and would stress about it for the whole time so we can't tell her about changes until they are about to happen) so we have to try and carry on as 'normal', apart from that I'm sleeping downstairs.

And on that note, how will I survive sleeping on a sofa for 9 months! My hips hurt 😔

Seriously though, would appreciate hearing people's experiences. Thank you x

OP posts:
thatwassociopathic · 27/12/2023 10:44

You can sell your house before you divorce. Once my exs useless solicitor pulled his finger out they had a separation agreement drafted in a day. We signed it and sent it back completed the following day and I completed on my new house two days after that. Gather all the financial info together, get it to a solicitor asap and get your house on the market. This does not need to take 10 months! The divorce application can go in any time after that. You can't live like that for all that time you'll end up demented

Stuckandunhappy · 27/12/2023 11:04

OlderandwiserMaybe · 27/12/2023 09:17

Oh and another thing. Just because you are perhaps initiating the divorce that does not mean it's your fault.
I know that might sound like I'm stating the obvious but it's worth using as a mantra to yourself. (and repeating to your ex when necessary!)
The guilt of initiating a divorce can be crippling (I know it was for me) and it can stay with your for a very long time. despite what your ex obviously thinks - you should not be made out to be "the bad guy" just because you've initiated things.

Thanks for saying that. The guilt I feel at the moment is immense, and my husband isn't helping with his constant guilt tripping and looking at me like a puppy that has just been kicked.

@sososadaboutthis I agree with the others who said you shouldn't go back to sharing a bed with him. My husband and I have nor slept in the same room for 1.5 years now. He sleeps in a single bed and I share with our youngest. It's not ideal but at least the kids are already used to us not sharing a bedroom.

Monstertrucksss · 27/12/2023 11:09

Hi OP and others I am in this situation (just started a thread about it before I saw this one) and frankly it is hell. I think we just need to make things as good as they can be for now and start taking action for the future. I’m telling myself this but at the moment things just feel bleak and awful tbh.

Original poster
sososadaboutthis · 27/12/2023 11:20

Solidarity lovely ladies. It sucks right now but it will not always be like this. There will be a time when the mountain is behind us and not looming over us.

I am looking into sofa beds but it's an extra expense and means selling the corner sofa which is an extra effort I'm not sure I can handle right now.

OP posts:
nutster · 27/12/2023 11:22

sososadaboutthis · 27/12/2023 11:20

Solidarity lovely ladies. It sucks right now but it will not always be like this. There will be a time when the mountain is behind us and not looming over us.

I am looking into sofa beds but it's an extra expense and means selling the corner sofa which is an extra effort I'm not sure I can handle right now.

how many nights have you thus far kipped on the sofa?

Original poster
sososadaboutthis · 27/12/2023 11:59

nutster · 27/12/2023 11:22

how many nights have you thus far kipped on the sofa?

Edited
Show quote history

A week so far

OP posts:
nutster · 27/12/2023 13:13

sososadaboutthis · 27/12/2023 11:59

A week so far

Show quote history

i would hazard a guess that your stance on purchasing a sofa bed will somewhat change as the weeks roll in to months

nutster · 27/12/2023 13:13

So might as well just go for it now

Goinoutalone · 27/12/2023 13:16

Start going to counselling to help you both. Separate or together, whichever suits. Could you rent somewhere @sososadaboutthis

Original poster
sososadaboutthis · 27/12/2023 13:46

Goinoutalone · 27/12/2023 13:16

Start going to counselling to help you both. Separate or together, whichever suits. Could you rent somewhere @sososadaboutthis

No, sadly not. We don't have enough disposable income to rent somewhere else plus bills as well as pay for the mortgage. And he said he wouldn't move out anyway, and I won't uproot the kids or leave them.... So I'm left here in this situation which I'm accepting I'll just have to make the most out of, unless it begins to affect the kids negatively. We start counselling next week and he goes back to work then also, which I'm glad about. Might make things feel easier

OP posts:
Original poster
sososadaboutthis · 27/12/2023 13:48

nutster · 27/12/2023 13:13

i would hazard a guess that your stance on purchasing a sofa bed will somewhat change as the weeks roll in to months

Show quote history

Yes you're probably right. x

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 27/12/2023 13:53

Tell the kids sooner rather than later. There is no point springing it in them. Just be very matter of fact. Answer questions in an age appropriate way. Reassure them thst you and dh are going ti handle things and show them that you can handle things.

beetr00 · 27/12/2023 13:55

Although not ideal, to free up a bed, could one of the children share with whomever is in the master bedroom under the pretext of a "medical issue" or some such?

Seas164 · 27/12/2023 14:06

I did it for 18 plus months in seperate bedrooms and that was bad enough. You need somewhere safe and comfortable to sleep, that is a priority. You need to be as well rested as possible to navigate what's coming.

Press forward in all ways you can to expediate this, and set yourself up so you're not sleeping on the sofa. I couldn't have shared a bed with my ex either but there are various alternatives, pick one, because this could run on and on.

nutster · 27/12/2023 14:09

beetr00 · 27/12/2023 13:55

Although not ideal, to free up a bed, could one of the children share with whomever is in the master bedroom under the pretext of a "medical issue" or some such?

these children are of an age where they should know. This is going to be for 9 months.

if it is out in the open, it will be a lot easier for everyone and will increase chance of amicable co parenting

GrumpyPanda · 27/12/2023 14:27

Put the kids in together, they're young enough for that, and claim a room to yourself. You'll need a refuge of your own to make it through the coming months.

Or tell your STBX to rotate on the couch or you'll pit an actual bed - not a sofabed - and screens in the living room.

pikkumyy77 · 27/12/2023 14:42

Begin as you mean to go on.Be upfront with everyone that the marriage has ended.

Women are often the instigators of divorce but that isn’t because they are unfaithful or bad at marriage but because the burden of a bad marriage falls more heavily on them. men can often tolerate staying in a bad marriage because they escape out of the house, ignore the children, or have affairs while maintaining the facade and reaping the benefits of the wife’s work at home.

RandomMess · 27/12/2023 14:49

Get rid of the double and get 2 single beds, even 2nd hand ones.

Keeping up the pretence for the DC is the problem here.

peanutbutterkid · 27/12/2023 15:11

Sleeping on duvet on floor might be more comfortable.
the initial divorce form is fairly easy to fill in, it doesn't commit anything other than £593. Just file it quickly.

We didn't tell the kids (or wider family) until we are on the 2nd stage of forms, no regrets.

nutster · 27/12/2023 15:57

peanutbutterkid · 27/12/2023 15:11

Sleeping on duvet on floor might be more comfortable.
the initial divorce form is fairly easy to fill in, it doesn't commit anything other than £593. Just file it quickly.

We didn't tell the kids (or wider family) until we are on the 2nd stage of forms, no regrets.

did you live together for 9 months?

nutster · 27/12/2023 15:58

GrumpyPanda · 27/12/2023 14:27

Put the kids in together, they're young enough for that, and claim a room to yourself. You'll need a refuge of your own to make it through the coming months.

Or tell your STBX to rotate on the couch or you'll pit an actual bed - not a sofabed - and screens in the living room.

first suggestion is a good one.

nutster · 27/12/2023 15:58

or OP sleeps in daughters room. My daughter would have LOVED that!

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 27/12/2023 16:50

When I split from exH we continued to live together for another 6 months as he needed time to find a place and furnish it. It was fine, we just got on with things for the sake of the kids. We continued being civil, and co parenting. We divorced after he moved out, we've been a part for over 6 years now, still co Parent and treat each other respectfully. My opinion of exH is massively negative, but it doesn't matter, what's done is done, I'd never put the kids in the middle of any nitpickery or bad atmospheres. That's always been my focus and has really helped me to move past all the shit he put me through

RamsaysBitchinNightmares · 27/12/2023 20:17

thatwassociopathic · 27/12/2023 10:44

You can sell your house before you divorce. Once my exs useless solicitor pulled his finger out they had a separation agreement drafted in a day. We signed it and sent it back completed the following day and I completed on my new house two days after that. Gather all the financial info together, get it to a solicitor asap and get your house on the market. This does not need to take 10 months! The divorce application can go in any time after that. You can't live like that for all that time you'll end up demented

@thatwassociopathic
How does this work?
Me and my husband bought a house 2 years ago. We have about 60k equity if it sells for a good price.

If we start divorce proceedings can I purchase another house before this one is sold citing the equity as a deposit or will we need to sell First?

I hadn't even considered divorce if I'm honest, we have already agreed what we will get out of the sale based on who put what in at the start.

peanutbutterkid · 28/12/2023 02:06

nutster · 27/12/2023 15:57

did you live together for 9 months?

Show quote history

8 months FT and PT since (4 months so far)