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Original poster

How do people survive living together throughout the divorce process?

60 replies

sososadaboutthis · 26/12/2023 12:03

I'm just wondering how on earth we survive 9months plus of this awful limbo. We have kids and I don't want to tell them until our living arrangements will be changing (youngest has ND and anxiety and would stress about it for the whole time so we can't tell her about changes until they are about to happen) so we have to try and carry on as 'normal', apart from that I'm sleeping downstairs.

And on that note, how will I survive sleeping on a sofa for 9 months! My hips hurt 😔

Seriously though, would appreciate hearing people's experiences. Thank you x

OP posts:
crumblenut · 26/12/2023 12:05

how old are your kids?

Unless very young, this is going to be very difficult environment for them too. Much better for two happy parents living apart

crumblenut · 26/12/2023 12:05

why are you on the sofa for the entire 9 months?

Pixiedust1234 · 26/12/2023 12:07

I'm here for the wise words and to give you solidarity. I can't leave until the house is sold but can't sell the house until he gets the paperwork sorted. It's hell.

Can you get a camp bed in the meantime?

Original poster
sososadaboutthis · 26/12/2023 12:11

crumblenut · 26/12/2023 12:05

how old are your kids?

Unless very young, this is going to be very difficult environment for them too. Much better for two happy parents living apart

8 and 11. We are trying very hard to keep things away from them. I'm sure there's things they will pick up on, even if subconsciously. If we need to talk we do it after they're in bed. It's such a long time to be in this limbo :(

OP posts:
Original poster
sososadaboutthis · 26/12/2023 12:12

crumblenut · 26/12/2023 12:05

why are you on the sofa for the entire 9 months?

Because, and I quote, I am 'the driving force behind all this' so he shouldn't have to move out of the bedroom

OP posts:
Original poster
sososadaboutthis · 26/12/2023 12:14

Pixiedust1234 · 26/12/2023 12:07

I'm here for the wise words and to give you solidarity. I can't leave until the house is sold but can't sell the house until he gets the paperwork sorted. It's hell.

Can you get a camp bed in the meantime?

I don't think we are going to sell the house. Instead I would buy him out probably but I'm not sure we can do that until we get the financial order? That's my understanding anyway. I haven't even done the divorce application online yet. Felt a bit much at Christmas and because he's been so devastated by this so far :(

OP posts:
tomatoontoast · 26/12/2023 12:14

Get back into your own bed OP. Even if it's beside him. He can lump it. Hell would freeze over before I was put out of my own bed.

I presume you slept beside each other when you were together. 9 more months isn't going to make a difference.

Pixiedust1234 · 26/12/2023 12:25

Start the online process immediately. The government have decided in their wisdom to enforce a 20 week cooling off period (that's five fecking months) before you can start on the decree nisi or mediation or get the FO rubber stamped in court.

Apply online. Use thess 20 weeks to get all your financial statements including copies of pensions. Go speak to mortgage brokers etc. Get everything in place so in five months you are ready. My H has taken these five months to send one email to one pension provider. He has five. Start the process asap, and good luck!

Shimla999 · 26/12/2023 12:26

tomatoontoast · 26/12/2023 12:14

Get back into your own bed OP. Even if it's beside him. He can lump it. Hell would freeze over before I was put out of my own bed.

I presume you slept beside each other when you were together. 9 more months isn't going to make a difference.

I couldn't do that. But I suppose we're all different. I'd get a camp bed or an inflatable mattress, if the sofa weren't comfortable. I spent 3 months living with my ex-DP when my DD was about the same age as OP's children. It was pure hell. He was the instigator, but I moved out of the double bed into the spare room.

TheThreePrinciples · 26/12/2023 12:41

It was an awful time for me. My husband stopped working when l told him l wanted to separate, refused to move out, although it was his unreasonable behaviour that led to separation. He just sat and drank all day.Sometimes he would be ok, other times l felt frightened of him. House went up for sale, l found a place to rent.
In hindsight l wish l had planned my exit better, as in saving up beforehand, finding somewhere else and then just going. I had to get Women's Aid involved, they were very good, they got a police officer to come and check on me daily, that's how bad things had got. I would never ever want to be in that situation ever again, and have stayed single since for many years.

Original poster
sososadaboutthis · 26/12/2023 12:45

TheThreePrinciples · 26/12/2023 12:41

It was an awful time for me. My husband stopped working when l told him l wanted to separate, refused to move out, although it was his unreasonable behaviour that led to separation. He just sat and drank all day.Sometimes he would be ok, other times l felt frightened of him. House went up for sale, l found a place to rent.
In hindsight l wish l had planned my exit better, as in saving up beforehand, finding somewhere else and then just going. I had to get Women's Aid involved, they were very good, they got a police officer to come and check on me daily, that's how bad things had got. I would never ever want to be in that situation ever again, and have stayed single since for many years.

Oh that sounds awful, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. We're on ok terms some days, and he's not an abusive guy or anything, so my situation could definitely be worse. It's just like an awkward limbo hell and every day is so very long right now..once we're back at work hopefully things will feel sped up.

OP posts:
Stuckandunhappy · 26/12/2023 13:52

I'm only at the beginning of this whole process and already dreading it. Ended up telling DH I am considering breaking up with him (planning a divorce but trying to break the mews gently) and he's been sulking ever since. For once can't wait to get back to work!!

nutster · 26/12/2023 15:10

i would urge you to rethink

by the end of this arrangement - there will be very very little chance of a healthy co parenting relationship for the many years to come.

Whereas you make the break now, there’s a chance you can carve out something healthy and positive

Added to which, seeing your mum curled up on the sofa night after night is going to haunt your children

Original poster
sososadaboutthis · 26/12/2023 18:52

nutster · 26/12/2023 15:10

i would urge you to rethink

by the end of this arrangement - there will be very very little chance of a healthy co parenting relationship for the many years to come.

Whereas you make the break now, there’s a chance you can carve out something healthy and positive

Added to which, seeing your mum curled up on the sofa night after night is going to haunt your children

The kids don't see that. I wake up early and clear the duvet away so they don't know I've slept there. There is no other option, he won't move out and I won't leave the kids..we can't afford another property..this is really the only option, we just have to survive it somehow..

OP posts:
RamsaysBitchinNightmares · 26/12/2023 20:34

I'm in a similar situation so can't give advice.

We agreed 3 weeks ago to "carry on as normal" until after Christmas then tell our 10 year old dd.
Both our older girls know, both 18, one at uni, the other has moved to her grandparents until I can move out and her come with me. I'll move into her room once the youngest knows.

I know it won't be easy, we have a house to sell that we only bought 2 years ago.

Maybe we should start a club.. it's seems there are quite a few of us going through similar situations.

Original poster
sososadaboutthis · 26/12/2023 22:46

I brought the sofa issue up with him this eve. He's steadfast in his view that he shouldn't have to sleep elsewhere because it's my decision to divorce. To be fair, if it was the other way around and it was DH who had said he wants to divorce we would all think that he should be the one to move out of the bedroom.. he does say that I can sleep in the bed whenever I want to though. It's just odd now!

OP posts:
jsku · 27/12/2023 00:11

Been there - slept in the same bed for over a year as divorce was unfolding.
We also only told kids once we knew what was going to happen with living arrangements and it was a good decision.
Stressful for me - but good for them.

Go back to your own bed. You can’t do a sofa for as long as it would take. This is just a beginning of a long and difficult road - you’ll need to get tough skin and stay strong. Sleeping in the same bed is a small step in that direction.
Don’t let him bully you - because you filed…
If you start with guilt on this - this is how all negotiations would go….
And soon you’ll end up agreeing to unfavourable (and unfair) terms because -
‘you started it’ ….

Do not!

ShortMotherfuckerWithTheIvoryHair · 27/12/2023 01:06

Do you have any savings? If so, I would get rid of the sofa and get a sofa bed. You can't be hurting and you can't go back to the bedroom, that's non negotiable. If not, then at least get an air bed or a camp bed. This will pass, it won't be forever even if it feels like it now. Wishing you all the best.

Panaa · 27/12/2023 01:46

Definitely get a sofa bed. If you're going to be living in a stressful situation for the next few months then you're at least going to need to have a decent nights sleep.
No way would I go back to sharing a bed with him as a pp described. You'll give your husband false hope and he will be less likely to accept the break up.

You said he's been devastated but you might find that he accepts it's over sooner than 9 months and wants to leave.

In my experience a lot of men in this situation want to leave when they see the woman is starting to build a little bit of a new life without him going out with friends or taking on new hobbies etc. I'm not saying to do those things to drive him out or anything, but I suppose some women naturally start doing those things in a way to escape being at home dealing with the tension, and they often find then that he ends up freaking out and leaving (and refusing to 'babysit' his own kids).

coxesorangepippin · 27/12/2023 02:15

Go back to your bed

This is a actually a metaphor for the rest of your life!!

nutster · 27/12/2023 06:04

OP, i would tell your children. This is going to be a difficult 9 months and you and your husband do not remotely sound amicable enough to make this easy.

So those ages… i’d be honest. and from being honest - i suspect the next 9 months will be a lot easier for all 4 of you

FedUpMumof10YO · 27/12/2023 06:17

Going against the grain, if EXH to be is in the bed, then I would stay out.

Itslookinggood · 27/12/2023 08:40

i had to do this and it nearly broke me.

the best advice I can give is to get a therapist so that you have. Someone to help you through it. Weekly sessions.

OlderandwiserMaybe · 27/12/2023 09:12

I did this for 11 months 5/6 years ago and I'm sorry but it will be a very hard period in your life.
I agree with one of the above posters in that the hurt and stress of sharing a house through the divorce process can make co-parenting long term afterwards very difficult. My ex and I now have an awful relationship - no co-operation at all. Although a lot of that is because he's a controlling arsehole it's partly due to the period we shared a house while we divorced.
Have a really hard think. Is there anyway you can try nesting during this period - could you go and stay with your parents or a friend for a few days a week - and your ex do the same. Then the kids stay in marital home but you both take turns in that house? I can't imagine this is very easy either - but I do wish it was something I had tried.
I know you mentioned one of your kids is ND - but I do think telling them as clearly as you can whats happening is a good idea. Even if they haven't seen you sleeping on the sofa - they will 100% sure have picked up on the atmosphere between you and your Ex. If you tell them - they will at least know and start to come to terms with your split.
Dont go back to sleep in with your Ex. It would give him the impression you're not serious about splitting. Luckily we had a spare bedroom so I a least had some private space. If you really can't move out at least try and get yourself a sofa bed. A friend of mine who also share house throughout divorce actually bought a single bed and put that in her lounge to sleep on.

OlderandwiserMaybe · 27/12/2023 09:17

Oh and another thing. Just because you are perhaps initiating the divorce that does not mean it's your fault.
I know that might sound like I'm stating the obvious but it's worth using as a mantra to yourself. (and repeating to your ex when necessary!)
The guilt of initiating a divorce can be crippling (I know it was for me) and it can stay with your for a very long time. despite what your ex obviously thinks - you should not be made out to be "the bad guy" just because you've initiated things.

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