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Original poster

Have you come back from a sexless relationship? How?

53 replies

bulbasore · 26/12/2023 08:12

I’m determined to either start having sex in 2024 or end my marriage of 12 years.

I don’t know how it’s happened but we haven’t had sex for nearly 5 years since DSs born. Initially was coping with baby twins, then I’d gained weight and didn’t feel attractive, then pandemic stressors and all of a sudden it’s nearly 5 years later.

I masturbate fairly often and think DH does too, so I don’t think it’s a thing with sex drive.

He’s a good dad, we need two incomes, we get on well etc etc. I just don’t fancy him. The thought of having sex with him just does not get me going. I think it’s a problem with me.

If you’ve come back from a sexless marriage how did you do it? I can’t carry on like this.

OP posts:
Daisies12 · 26/12/2023 08:19

We did to TTC. Assume that’s not happening! Otherwise couple counselling might be a good option.

category12 · 26/12/2023 08:23

What does he say about it?

Rania78 · 26/12/2023 08:25

Does he try to initiate sex? Does he make you feel desired and attractive?

SylvieLaufeydottir · 26/12/2023 08:27

My honest advice would be, don't kid yourself that this is about the situational issues. If you'd wanted to have sex with him, none out of baby twins, weight gain, or the pandemic would have stopped you.

Have you talked about the issue? How does he feel? How was your sex life beforehand, and how is and was everything else? I don't think it's impossible to get something like this back - assuming it was there in the first place - but it takes hard work and brutal, compassionate honesty.

Original poster
bulbasore · 26/12/2023 09:08

He absolutely doesn’t make me feel desired and attractive. No idea if he even fancies me either.

There’s a contraception thing which I should have mentioned before. I don’t want to go on hormonal contraception and he doesn’t want to get a vasectomy. He doesn’t like condoms. Withdrawal feels too risky. So it feels like we’re at an impasse there too.

When we talk about it he just points out the logistical difficulties like not having lock on door, children often coming in to co-sleep, one or the other of us working away fairly often or the contraception thing. Never mentions how he wants to, just how we ‘can’t’.

Pre kids we definitely had sex more and better. But I don’t really have a barometer for what’s normal with 3 children, 2 FT jobs after 12 years etc.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 26/12/2023 09:15

I just don’t fancy him. The thought of having sex with him just does not get me going. I think it’s a problem with me

How is you not fancying someone a 'problem with you'? He isn't doing anything that turns you on, is he? Do you think you 'should' fancy him?

Even his way of talking about the issue would turn me off. He's avoiding talking about his feelings, veering onto practical matters, and not really relating to how you feel. He might as well bring you a book from the library about it, for all the relational value the conversation has. Would you feel differently if he responded by saying 'I know, it's been ages, hasn't it? Feels like there's something up somewhere within our relationship. Shall we set aside an afternoon to have a really good talk about how we both feel about this, and see if we can find a solution? I'd love to get things how we both want them.' Would you feel like connecting with him then, a bit more than you do now?

olderbutwiser · 26/12/2023 09:16

Counselling, and I’d say start with separate counselling. And some real honesty about it.

If sex together was that important you would probably have sorted the contraception out by now, put a lock on the door and planned ahead even if it’s an infrequent event.

Does he know you’re heading towards divorce?

Watchkeys · 26/12/2023 09:17

But I don’t really have a barometer for what’s normal with 3 children, 2 FT jobs after 12 years etc

What's 'normal' in a healthy relationship is that, although things aren't always exactly as everyone wants them to be, both parties feel that the other one both understands where they're at, and each wants themselves and the other to be as happy/comfortable as possible with the situation.

Original poster
bulbasore · 26/12/2023 09:21

No he doesn’t know. I will need to make it really clear that continuing without a fulfilling sex life is no longer ok for me. He’s going to be surprised. But then, I bet loads of marriages are sexless and people stay together for all the other reasons, so do I need to just focus on those bits and write off sex, balancing the disruption to my whole life with the prospect of sexless future?

Yes @Watchkeys I want him to talk about his feelings. But then what if I still don’t fancy him? I think he is broadly ok with lack of sex - he always had lower sex drive than me. Not enough to be a problem, but less.

OP posts:
Bdaybdilemma · 26/12/2023 09:22

Just to add - copper coil!

ancientnames · 26/12/2023 09:35

Neither of you are interested in sex with the other.

That isn’t likely to change.

If a full relationship is important to you, then you are right that divorce is your only option.

category12 · 26/12/2023 09:41

bulbasore · 26/12/2023 09:21

No he doesn’t know. I will need to make it really clear that continuing without a fulfilling sex life is no longer ok for me. He’s going to be surprised. But then, I bet loads of marriages are sexless and people stay together for all the other reasons, so do I need to just focus on those bits and write off sex, balancing the disruption to my whole life with the prospect of sexless future?

Yes @Watchkeys I want him to talk about his feelings. But then what if I still don’t fancy him? I think he is broadly ok with lack of sex - he always had lower sex drive than me. Not enough to be a problem, but less.

Do you see yourself as being able to be happy or content with that life?

Obviously you're living it now and you're not, otherwise you wouldn't be on here saying you want a sexlife or a divorce.

Fs365 · 26/12/2023 09:43

olderbutwiser · 26/12/2023 09:16

Counselling, and I’d say start with separate counselling. And some real honesty about it.

If sex together was that important you would probably have sorted the contraception out by now, put a lock on the door and planned ahead even if it’s an infrequent event.

Does he know you’re heading towards divorce?

100% this, door locks are cheap, get that sorted then talk about contraption and go from there

taylorswift1989 · 26/12/2023 09:53

You don't want a sexless marriage. I think you're going to have to be honest and tell him that. Explain that unless you can resolve the sexual problems in your marriage, you want to split up.

It sounds like the barriers to you having sex are not really problems - you could sort out contraception, put a lock on the door etc. But if you don't both have a willingness to sort this out, then it doesn't matter. You don't want a life without sex, so that probably means your marriage is over.

I guess a third option would be to open the marriage to other partners? Stay married because it works in terms of the financial and domestic arrangements, but both be free to have sexual partners outside the marriage. This takes a lot of goodwill and negotiation, but could be an option for you.

Watchkeys · 26/12/2023 10:15

I want him to talk about his feelings. But then what if I still don’t fancy him

One thing at a time? This is like starting a diet now, and panicking about the possibility that you might eat some cake in July. Work out the primary problem (which is that you're not communicating properly), and worry about sex after. What would happen if you said to him, 'I want to talk about our lack of sex life, but not about the logistics. I want to talk about our feelings'?

Watchkeys · 26/12/2023 10:16

talk about contraption

Might be going a bit far...

Fs365 · 26/12/2023 10:30

Watchkeys · 26/12/2023 10:16

talk about contraption

Might be going a bit far...

Why not?
it’s not a massive leap to think he doesn’t want more kids right now, so no sex, but is still open to the idea in the future ( no snip - yet )
condoms is probably the best choice for now

Watchkeys · 26/12/2023 10:48

@Fs365

'contraption' :)

Fs365 · 26/12/2023 10:57

Watchkeys · 26/12/2023 10:48

@Fs365

'contraption' :)

😂😂😂, must wear my glasses this early in the morning

rwalker · 26/12/2023 11:02

As for contraception he must know things aren’t right

I don’t think considering a vasectomy when your in a relationship that’s on it’s arse and you may have to start building a new life with a new partner in the future would be a sensible choice

acpk55 · 26/12/2023 11:03

bulbasore · 26/12/2023 08:12

I’m determined to either start having sex in 2024 or end my marriage of 12 years.

I don’t know how it’s happened but we haven’t had sex for nearly 5 years since DSs born. Initially was coping with baby twins, then I’d gained weight and didn’t feel attractive, then pandemic stressors and all of a sudden it’s nearly 5 years later.

I masturbate fairly often and think DH does too, so I don’t think it’s a thing with sex drive.

He’s a good dad, we need two incomes, we get on well etc etc. I just don’t fancy him. The thought of having sex with him just does not get me going. I think it’s a problem with me.

If you’ve come back from a sexless marriage how did you do it? I can’t carry on like this.

so you don’t want to be in a sexless relationship,
and you don’t fancy your DH and just making up excuses for why you are not having sex

divorce it is, no amount of relationship talking is going to resolve that

acpk55 · 26/12/2023 11:10

rwalker · 26/12/2023 11:02

As for contraception he must know things aren’t right

I don’t think considering a vasectomy when your in a relationship that’s on it’s arse and you may have to start building a new life with a new partner in the future would be a sensible choice

100% this , a vasectomy should the last thing for him to consider right now , he might soon more children with a new partner

category12 · 26/12/2023 11:20

acpk55 · 26/12/2023 11:03

so you don’t want to be in a sexless relationship,
and you don’t fancy your DH and just making up excuses for why you are not having sex

divorce it is, no amount of relationship talking is going to resolve that

Show quote history

Not fancying him is a solid reason for not shagging him. One of the best, frankly.

And it doesn't sound like the dh is making the moves either. It doesn't sound like she's making excuses not to have sex, if anyone is, it's him.

Loonancy · 26/12/2023 11:28

Rania78 · 26/12/2023 08:25

Does he try to initiate sex? Does he make you feel desired and attractive?

Why is this his job?

category12 · 26/12/2023 11:33

Loonancy · 26/12/2023 11:28

Why is this his job?

Show quote history

It's not his job, but it's not hers solely either. In a good relationship, you'd hope both parties would initiate from time to time.

If he never tries to start sex, then maybe he's not interested at all anymore. Op said he's had the lower sex drive throughout.