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Original poster

Have you come back from a sexless relationship? How?

53 replies

bulbasore · 26/12/2023 08:12

I’m determined to either start having sex in 2024 or end my marriage of 12 years.

I don’t know how it’s happened but we haven’t had sex for nearly 5 years since DSs born. Initially was coping with baby twins, then I’d gained weight and didn’t feel attractive, then pandemic stressors and all of a sudden it’s nearly 5 years later.

I masturbate fairly often and think DH does too, so I don’t think it’s a thing with sex drive.

He’s a good dad, we need two incomes, we get on well etc etc. I just don’t fancy him. The thought of having sex with him just does not get me going. I think it’s a problem with me.

If you’ve come back from a sexless marriage how did you do it? I can’t carry on like this.

OP posts:
Rania78 · 26/12/2023 11:36

@Loonancy I am just trying to understand whether he is doing something wrong or whether he is attracted to her.

mikado1 · 26/12/2023 11:40

I'm in this situation for a bit longer than you op. In my case it was my 'decision'but I miss it too, just don't want to with my husband, previously thought I didn't want it at all and my sex drive was gone but I think that's not quite accurate now. Anyway i have said we should split, a brutally, brutally honest conversation followed and he begged for us to stay together as a family unit, would make an effort in the areas I had issues with (enthusiasm for ĺife/doing things/talking..). Anyway a year on he tells me now it is a miserable existence.. I actually believe I've been the warmer person making more effort at living and trying to enjoy the life we have so I felt like saying it's not a walk in the park for me either. But for all the reasons you state, it working out would be the better option. However I think another brutal conversation is needed and we might not survive it and that might be for the best.

acpk55 · 26/12/2023 11:44

category12 · 26/12/2023 11:20

Not fancying him is a solid reason for not shagging him. One of the best, frankly.

And it doesn't sound like the dh is making the moves either. It doesn't sound like she's making excuses not to have sex, if anyone is, it's him.

Show quote history

Not fancying him is a solid reason for not shagging him. One of the best, frankly.

yep, agree 100% however , OP is complaining about not having sex and then try to blame the person she doesn’t want to have sex with - that’s on the OP, her issue just as much as far as I read it

category12 · 26/12/2023 11:48

acpk55 · 26/12/2023 11:44

Not fancying him is a solid reason for not shagging him. One of the best, frankly.

yep, agree 100% however , OP is complaining about not having sex and then try to blame the person she doesn’t want to have sex with - that’s on the OP, her issue just as much as far as I read it

Show quote history

Don't know how you came to that conclusion when op said this:

"When we talk about it he just points out the logistical difficulties like not having lock on door, children often coming in to co-sleep, one or the other of us working away fairly often or the contraception thing. Never mentions how he wants to, just how we ‘can’t’."

Those are his "excuses", not hers.

category12 · 26/12/2023 11:51

Oh no, hang on, I think I get what you mean, @acpk55

SylvieLaufeydottir · 26/12/2023 11:55

Ah, so both of you don't really want to and are making flimsy excuses, and there's no honest conversation between you on the issue. Possibly at all.

We also had DC who had reached the possibly-busting-in age. So we got a bolt and installed it on the bedroom door asap. You already know that all of both your "issues" were surmountable if you had wanted to surmount them.

Time for a very, very frank conversation and probably marital counselling; if he won't go for that, you're looking at the end, sooner or later.

Oblomov23 · 26/12/2023 11:57

You need to have an important talk to him. Ask him for one.

What are your contraception options? What choices did your GP offer you. How can none of them be suitable? And why haven't you sorted that one aspect by now?

acpk55 · 26/12/2023 12:06

category12 · 26/12/2023 11:51

Oh no, hang on, I think I get what you mean, @acpk55

What I was trying to say was that the OP is complaining about not having sex, okay so that’s fair enough.

but in the next breath is saying she doesn’t fancy him anyway, so is wheeling out his weak excuses and just blame shifting her lack of sex onto him and saying “look it’s all his fault”, even though she doesn’t want sex with him anyway

Crushed23 · 26/12/2023 12:22

It’s not the sexlessness that’s the real issue, it’s the fact you don’t fancy him.

That can be hard to accept and do something about when everything else in the relationship is going so well (I assume it is from your post). You start rationalising giving up sex for good, even though you know that’s not what you want.

Mis-matched sex drives / lack of desire killed my relationship this year. It was hard to come to terms with because I liked everything else about him. But what I learned through therapy is how delicate desire and libido is for women - we just can’t get it up for someone we don’t want. Our body rejects what our mind doesn’t want.

garlicandsapphires · 26/12/2023 12:24

Surely there is a way of fancying your long term partner again?
Such a common problem.
There was something Esther Perel said on the matter, I will try and find it.

mikado1 · 26/12/2023 12:46

Crushed23 · 26/12/2023 12:22

It’s not the sexlessness that’s the real issue, it’s the fact you don’t fancy him.

That can be hard to accept and do something about when everything else in the relationship is going so well (I assume it is from your post). You start rationalising giving up sex for good, even though you know that’s not what you want.

Mis-matched sex drives / lack of desire killed my relationship this year. It was hard to come to terms with because I liked everything else about him. But what I learned through therapy is how delicate desire and libido is for women - we just can’t get it up for someone we don’t want. Our body rejects what our mind doesn’t want.

That last line is so true.

ChateauDuMont · 26/12/2023 13:28

I would find it odd that a man is not having sex for five years without at least looking elsewhere or getting it elsewhere. Whether it be an affair, escorts, or one odd casual encounters with women met socially.

Women seem to manage going without sec but it appears to be more difficult for men.

If he has been faithful then you have a relationship to work on and I hope this is the case as physical intimacy is (for me) very important in a relationship.

User75325426 · 26/12/2023 13:38

I would find it odd that a man is not having sex for five years without at least looking elsewhere or getting it elsewhere. Whether it be an affair, escorts, or one odd casual encounters with women met socially.

Agree with this. But finding out the truth might be the death knell for a marriage that's already struggling. However it might genuinely be possible to stay celibate if the man in question is very shy, not that social, extremely overweight or has other factors that would impact their ability to find a casual encounter. The wife would know best in this situation.

AltitudeCheck · 26/12/2023 13:43

Why not take PIV off the menu for now and focus on getting an intimate/ sensual / erotic connection going. If the spark starts to come back, then you can talk about contraception (and do consider the copper coil as PP suggested) but it sounds like there's a lot of bridges to build before then.

Original poster
bulbasore · 26/12/2023 13:50

Thanks everyone loads to think about.

I would be surprised if he’s getting it elsewhere but obviously it’s a possibility.

I don’t necessarily want to work out whose fault it is. And ends of relationships are almost never one person’s ‘fault’ anyway.

I’m trying to figure out what he’d say if I were to suggest counselling. Probably refuse to engage.

OP posts:
ancientnames · 26/12/2023 14:42

Women seem to manage going without sex but it appears to be more difficult for men
The number of threads on here from women miserable in sexless relationships would suggest otherwise. Including this thread.

LizHoney · 26/12/2023 14:47

bulbasore · 26/12/2023 13:50

Thanks everyone loads to think about.

I would be surprised if he’s getting it elsewhere but obviously it’s a possibility.

I don’t necessarily want to work out whose fault it is. And ends of relationships are almost never one person’s ‘fault’ anyway.

I’m trying to figure out what he’d say if I were to suggest counselling. Probably refuse to engage.

Get him up to speed with where you are first OP. Then try to find the solution together even if you're guiding the direction of travel.Lots of men are anti counselling, but once when DH and I had it, he agreed to engage only because he finally understood the seriousness of the problem.

If you're looking a split in the face you both need to be able to say you did absolutely everything you could to avoid it. It's super shit, especially for kids who aren't really experiencing the dysfunction in their parent's' relationship. You may have no choice, I get that, but leave no stone unturned.

Fs365 · 26/12/2023 14:55

ancientnames · 26/12/2023 14:42

Women seem to manage going without sex but it appears to be more difficult for men
The number of threads on here from women miserable in sexless relationships would suggest otherwise. Including this thread.

Yep 100%, and this a thread about a woman complaining about not having sex

Paperbagsaremine · 26/12/2023 15:02

Sounds like you're just housemates and parents now, but neither of you have fancied the upheaval of a split.

In particular, he probably sees that as resulting in him ending up in a flat somewhere and not seeing his kids day to day, so he may - consciously or unconsciously - be planning to keep his head down until they leave home, and then reconsider. I mean, would you leave if you knew the deal was he got to stay put with the kids?

It's a difficult situation and rushing would be counterproductive. Start by reviewing your finances and thinking very hard about what the possibilities are. You don't want to jump the gun bringing up an idea that won't work but will just upset you both.

Loonancy · 26/12/2023 15:59

Paperbagsaremine · 26/12/2023 15:02

Sounds like you're just housemates and parents now, but neither of you have fancied the upheaval of a split.

In particular, he probably sees that as resulting in him ending up in a flat somewhere and not seeing his kids day to day, so he may - consciously or unconsciously - be planning to keep his head down until they leave home, and then reconsider. I mean, would you leave if you knew the deal was he got to stay put with the kids?

It's a difficult situation and rushing would be counterproductive. Start by reviewing your finances and thinking very hard about what the possibilities are. You don't want to jump the gun bringing up an idea that won't work but will just upset you both.

Absolutely this.
many men stay in dead relationships because a dead marriage (but a generally fun family life) is worth the sacrifice to see their kids every day

Loonancy · 26/12/2023 16:03

bulbasore · 26/12/2023 08:12

I’m determined to either start having sex in 2024 or end my marriage of 12 years.

I don’t know how it’s happened but we haven’t had sex for nearly 5 years since DSs born. Initially was coping with baby twins, then I’d gained weight and didn’t feel attractive, then pandemic stressors and all of a sudden it’s nearly 5 years later.

I masturbate fairly often and think DH does too, so I don’t think it’s a thing with sex drive.

He’s a good dad, we need two incomes, we get on well etc etc. I just don’t fancy him. The thought of having sex with him just does not get me going. I think it’s a problem with me.

If you’ve come back from a sexless marriage how did you do it? I can’t carry on like this.

Have you thought about having sex outside the marriage?
i remember a relationship letter to the guardian last year where a woman said she cheats on her husband because she loves young cock. i think the relationship counsellor advised kinda “glad you are making your life work”
i was appalled…..

vegetableplotter · 26/12/2023 16:32

You need to both face the bottom line, which is you separating and divorcing.

Once you have stared that in the face, if you decide that's a terrible outcome, you need to be brutally honest with each other and together work out a plan to re-connect (which is possible assuming you both loved and fancied each other in the first place and are determined to put your marriage at the centre of the family).

  1. Spend regular quality time together, ie weekly date nights (get a babysitter) and really talk.
  2. Visit GP to sort out any physical issues - erectile dysfunction / painful intercourse / contraception / hormonal issues for example.
  3. Explore non-sexual intimacy - get naked together and just talk from the heart.
  4. Massage - take turns to give each other full body massage without any expectation of it ending in sex. This is to build trust and closeness.
  5. You said you both masturbate - do it together and it may lead to full intercourse when you're both ready - it could be a turn-on for you both.

You could try counselling, though I'm not really a fan as all the counsellors I know are more expert in failed relationships and how to move on, rather than working things out. The counselling training route seems to attract people who have gone through relationship breakdowns rather than those who have enjoyed successful long-term relationships, and all the work of healing, compromise, honesty and forgiveness that leads to the trust necessary for a truly fulfilling long-term relationship.

LifeInTheOldDog · 26/12/2023 17:18

No advice, but in the same situation. Lots of good advice here but what to do when you just can't envisage ever wanting sex with this person again. Seems such a fickle reason to blow up a family, but the thought of celibacy for the rest of my days is so depressing

Watchkeys · 26/12/2023 17:37

@LifeInTheOldDog

Seems such a fickle reason to blow up a family

I think it does, if sex is just sex. But if sex is a manifestation of love between you, an extension of the closeness and understanding of the relationship between you, a desperate need to make the other person feel amazing, a permission to each other to be closer and more intimate than you are or ever want to be with anybody else... if it's all that, and it's just gone, and the two of you can't even have a conversation about it, it doesn't seem fickle at all. It has great meaning.

Tiredofthiss · 26/12/2023 23:06

Mmm maybe if you we're both not sexual ie on the Asexual side of the spectrum but it doesn't sound that way and you both sound relatively young too if it's been five years since you had kids etc.

Thats such a long time there really isn't an excuse with kids and no locks.. you would of had sex or something in that long time frame. Nothing at all in half a decade is crazy you are kidding yourself if you think you can get that back.

You really can't make yourself attracted to someone my skin crawls reading stuff like this as it makes me think back to when I was younger and dated a few guys who were nice but sexually gave me the ick. It's a biological thing as well some people really don't do it for us and it could be down to the way they smell so they can go above and beyond but you mentally can't be into it. Was it like this in the beginning but you ignored it because he ticked a lot of other boxes?