Have you come back from a sexless relationship? How?

[bulbasore]

I’m determined to either start having sex in 2024 or end my marriage of 12 years.

I don’t know how it’s happened but we haven’t had sex for nearly 5 years since DSs born. Initially was coping with baby twins, then I’d gained weight and didn’t feel attractive, then pandemic stressors and all of a sudden it’s nearly 5 years later.

I masturbate fairly often and think DH does too, so I don’t think it’s a thing with sex drive.

He’s a good dad, we need two incomes, we get on well etc etc. I just don’t fancy him. The thought of having sex with him just does not get me going. I think it’s a problem with me.

If you’ve come back from a sexless marriage how did you do it? I can’t carry on like this.

Is there any physical affection at all in the relationship? cuddles/kisses/hugs?

The talks all seemed to be focused on why you're not having sex, but if the relationship is lacking other intimacy then I think you need to go right back to basics and see if you get back on track with the other stuff first.

I'd be open and honest and say the lack of intimacy is making you unhappy and that you'd love to try to see if you can both get it back on the track, no pressure for sex or anything but just to see if you can both have fun and connect and start to enjoy each other again for a bit.

If he's not open to that and even if he is and you find that no spark comes back then at least you'll know.

Perhaps the OP doesn't fancy her H anymore because she has emotionally detached due to all the sexual rejections and lame excuses. Why take a hormonal contraceptive or have one inserted if you aren't likely to have sex? Why should the OP put her body through taking hormones everyday (when she likely did for years before DC) just because her H doesn't like the feel of condoms? Most men are so ready for women to put their bodies through crap just so that they can have a nicer experience but don't want to "interfere" with their own tackle in anyway.

I think since sex is now a deal breaker you need to sit down with your H and have the talk. That you want to see a sex therapist/follow a graded programme/book (whatever route you choose)and try to kickstart the sexual relationship again and be honest that you think your RL won't survive if your H won't work on this with you

@bulbasore how are things going with this? Interested as there are parallels