Dh messages

[Reflags42]

I feel physically sick.

Been with dh for 7 years now, married for 3 and have ds 1. This last year has been rocky as we've adjusted to ds coming along.

I noticed a while ago that a woman added dh on fb (he was sitting beside me at the time) and there was something about his reaction to it that felt off. That was about a month ago and today I had the chance and curiosity got the better of me. I've never snooped before, he's never been anything but a wonderful partner and I've felt really secure in our relationship up to recently.

There were messages back and forth to this girl, some really run of the mill chit chat about their families (she's also married with a little one) and then in between, really inappropriate and flirty messages. Even discussed our sex life (which has been almost non existent for the last few months) and talking in detail about the last time we did anything and what we did. Her telling him when she had a wank etc.

I feel so humiliated and betrayed. I confronted him about it, he went grey, took responsibility immediately and said it was a stupid flirtation and never progressed to real life (messages also read like they never met up and he never goes out so I believe that). He said he doesn't really understand why he did it, and that he understands why I'm upset and he'll block her and never have contact with her again. I don't really know what the next step is. Obviously we need to work on things between us but I've lost trust in him now and I think if it was just me I'd walk away but I have ds to think about and I couldn't stand only having him half the week. Dh is a great and engaged father so he'd want joint custody and there's really no reason why he wouldn't get it. I'm just off mat leave and it's depleted my savings and I don't earn enough at the moment that I'd afford to set myself up somewhere new.

I want to work at things- we've always had a brilliant relationship and felt rock solid but lack of sleep and more demands and no time together as a couple has really taken its toll. So I want to get back to where we were before but equally I'm scared that's the foolish option and that I'm going to be left looking like a mug further down the line.

I'm scared I haven't been angry enough, but it's Xmas day, we're due to his parents house for the whole day which I now couldn't see far enough and I don't want ds to hear fighting in the house and I think I was just so shocked by it. I never ever in a million years thought he'd be like that.

What should my next steps be?

OP did you look elsewhere though ?
No . You are focused on your dc and dh your family. He thought with his dick.
He also betrayed you by talking about your private stuff that is just for you both .
I think you are going to get very angry once the shock of it all has passed .

Id say it would be over but.,,, you need to think

clever . Get yourself on an even footing financially . Give him the second chance the phone and SM has to be open for access at any point to work ok the trust.
Omce things have settled and you cant
move past it then maybe the marriage will
be over At lest you can say for your ds you tried.
Having a dc doesn’t mean you have to stay in a marriage of cheating , betrayal and lies though

I'm sorry this has happened to you. But I feel your being to nice here

I've been there. Not with a child but bought a house with someone

He cheated. I took him back.

I never never felt able to trust him again. He was caught again and that was it.

You seem to be portioning all the blame into your shoulders. Ok he feels neglected.

He is a a father and an adult with his own brain and morals. Not an alley cat that wasn't being fed enough so wandered off to another house looking for more.

Take a week or two to really think. Ask him to leave as you need space and time.

His future behaviour will let you know if he is truly remorseful.

Don't entertain it if he won't consider couples therapy or gaslights you.

All couples with young kids find it tough. But decent men talk issues over
Good luck

Thanks all, I've told him he's to go to stay at his parents tomorrow after work and I want a day without seeing him. And then he can come and do dinner and bath with ds as normal because I don't want too much change for ds and I don't want to be accused of keeping him from ds either I wouldn't want to do that. He's just been accepting everything I've said to him. I got really angry with him in the car and really made him explain to me why he did it to drive home that there was no good enough excuse and what was it about it to drive home that it was all about being at my and ds expense that gave him the thrill and really tried to get him to strip it right down to how truly shit it is. At the moment it feels like he's just very sad and accepting everything that I'm saying or asking but I'm yet to see any fight or action or solution coming from him.

What would he have done if you hadn't found the messages? Where would it have ended??

So let's be realistic:

You have returned to work now - yes ?

Your child goes to nursery ? who takes / picks up from nursery ?

There are several online calculators that would tell you if you would be eligible for universal credit if you were on your own with a child, this will let you know if you would have additional income on top of your wages.

You may also get help with the nursery fees of you were on your own with a child ?

Of course he will have to pay towards his child, there is an online calculator for that too on the Gov UK website.

Is he able to look after the child if he wanted joint custody ? would his working hours allow this or would he need to rely upon family to help him.

You said something about not wanting to share your child but your child is already going to nursery - you don't have him 24 hours a day anyway now.

As for the house being his, the minute you got married it gave you legal rights.

He was lonely and sad ? Awwww diddums !

@Reflags42

OP - you seem to be a rational and action oriented person. I am guessing - your H is different. Not in this situation specifically, but in general.
You said it a few times already that you want him to come up with solutions and prove to you he wants to do something.
If that is what you need - you need to tell him that. It’s like defining your needs and boundaries - he needs to understand what he must do.

Men are not like us. They don’t have much emotional intelligence. They are not used to think about how to work on/develop/fix relationships.
He is in shock and feels guilty now. And most likely completely clueless as to what to do and what you are expecting. Foe eg - tell him to find a family therapist, etc.

Don’t get down the path of keeping silent on what you need/want, and then having arguments as your resentment grows. If that is your approach - don’t waste time and just file now.

(btw - the sort of conversations you were having in the car - minus the argument - is exactly what you should be talking through with a counsellor. And it is not a one time conversation…)

Solicitor
Ducks in a row
Dump the pathetic cheating scrote
You deserve better

And get angry. I'd fucking rinse him

Yes I'm back to work now. He does nursery pick up and drop off 3 times a week as my commute won't allow me to get there before closing and he works beside the nursery. Then i wfh/ use accrued annual leave to do pick up and drop off twice a week but that annual leave will run out in a few months and I'll be in the office 4 out of 5 days. I normally get home about 30 min to an hour after they get in from the pick up depending on traffic. I'm still breastfeeding and not wanting to wean ds yet so shared custody right now would be problematic in terms of overnights as ds will still want to feed in the morning/ after nursery/ at night.

I've been online and looked up my entitlements, I would get some help but I think it would still be tight. Doable but tight. The kicker would be setting myself up in the first place I've a bit of credit card debt used for uni fees I've been working on clearing so I wouldn't want to borrow anything else until that's taken care of and I wouldn't have the money in the bank for double deposit, furniture etc etc and the initial outgoings with moving to a new house.

You can not trust this man, he will always find excuses to prioritise his wants. It says a lot about his character and entitlement that he’s behaved this way knowing about your past and your sister’s recent history.

This is who he is and only he can change that. Given what you’ve written about him it sounds like he has some deep seated issues that he needs to work on. Resist the urge for him and yourself to explain his abhorrent behaviour away by recent circumstances. Recent circumstances weren’t a reason, they were a convenient excuse and an opportunity to prioritise his wants. The forces weren’t external, they were internal to him and you both need to accept this if you are to attempt to move forward. The devastation is an act, you haven’t mislaid your trust in him, he set fire to it. At the moment he has discovery remorse, how long that lasts, is anybody’s guess.

Where do you go from here, I have no idea, it’s totally your call. No judgment from me but don’t sacrifice your integrity on the altar of staying for your child. If the relationship doesn’t work for you then being in it won’t work for your child either.

You do need real life support, given your family dynamics, your family probably isn’t the safe space it should be, which means you might have to consider solo professional support.

The decision that you can live with, is the right decision and you can always change your mind.

Be kind to yourself.

It’s nothing about her though is it really she just happened to be there -it’s more about him and you

With all due respect Op can feel what she wants about her.

Op is clearly blaming her husband for his own actions.

She can also at the same time, think she is a shit bag. The problem arises when the OW end up taking most or all the blame. Or getting accused of manipulating a man into an affair. Emotional of physical.

Op is fully entitled to feel what she wants about this woman. It would be a mistake to hold her accountable for the husband actions as that won’t replace the problems in the marriage. But she can feel how she wants about her.

Let’s not start telling women they can’t have their own feelings about someone because that someone happens to be a woman.

I I meant it’s not about banning him seeing her

Should the worst come to the worst and you split up could you apply for condensed hours?
My company allows this, a couple of women wfh early morning, do drop offs, head to the office, leave early for pick ups then wfh in the evening and have also dropped Fridays but make their time up over the other 4 days.
If you're able to wfh one day already you may be able to negotiate another day wfh which would take the pressure off.
Remember that if you do split, ime the nice, helpful "d"h will soon disappear so you shouldn't rely on his help.
❤️

Blimey he's done a right number on you hasnt he
You sound so subservient to him no wonder he thought this was okay

Would it make more sense to stay in the family home and DH find somewhere else to stay? Even though that might be a short term solution, it could give you six months to a year of space and stability while you worked out what you want to do.

I actually wouldn't end things with him just yet. You have leverage now. Use it to get you and your baby in the most comfortable situation you can. It may be that after a year of your H supporting and working to rebuild trust, you can see a way forward with him. But either way, you will buy some time to work out what to do, save some money and avoid too much disruption with your baby.

It’s funny though how he managed to have all this time to message this other woman but not his wife? I totally agree with what you're saying here but just wanted to add that little bit. I think sometimes we forget to keep our partners accountable too. It’s not just us who need to make sure we make time for them, if you get me?

@GoodLordyTheExcusesWeMakeForThem

do you realise this thread was written at Christmas, and the Op hasn't been back to it since 27th Dec ?

Another ZOMBIE THREAD!!!

Sorry, my mistake it showed up in the ‘trending’ section and i clicked it thinking it was the Dh message for me’ thread i was following! Thank you 😅