Dh messages

[Reflags42]

I feel physically sick.

Been with dh for 7 years now, married for 3 and have ds 1. This last year has been rocky as we've adjusted to ds coming along.

I noticed a while ago that a woman added dh on fb (he was sitting beside me at the time) and there was something about his reaction to it that felt off. That was about a month ago and today I had the chance and curiosity got the better of me. I've never snooped before, he's never been anything but a wonderful partner and I've felt really secure in our relationship up to recently.

There were messages back and forth to this girl, some really run of the mill chit chat about their families (she's also married with a little one) and then in between, really inappropriate and flirty messages. Even discussed our sex life (which has been almost non existent for the last few months) and talking in detail about the last time we did anything and what we did. Her telling him when she had a wank etc.

I feel so humiliated and betrayed. I confronted him about it, he went grey, took responsibility immediately and said it was a stupid flirtation and never progressed to real life (messages also read like they never met up and he never goes out so I believe that). He said he doesn't really understand why he did it, and that he understands why I'm upset and he'll block her and never have contact with her again. I don't really know what the next step is. Obviously we need to work on things between us but I've lost trust in him now and I think if it was just me I'd walk away but I have ds to think about and I couldn't stand only having him half the week. Dh is a great and engaged father so he'd want joint custody and there's really no reason why he wouldn't get it. I'm just off mat leave and it's depleted my savings and I don't earn enough at the moment that I'd afford to set myself up somewhere new.

I want to work at things- we've always had a brilliant relationship and felt rock solid but lack of sleep and more demands and no time together as a couple has really taken its toll. So I want to get back to where we were before but equally I'm scared that's the foolish option and that I'm going to be left looking like a mug further down the line.

I'm scared I haven't been angry enough, but it's Xmas day, we're due to his parents house for the whole day which I now couldn't see far enough and I don't want ds to hear fighting in the house and I think I was just so shocked by it. I never ever in a million years thought he'd be like that.

What should my next steps be?

"Not sure I would believe this woman randomly added him on Facebook added him, you happened to see and clock his reaction was weird and it happens to be the one women he then starts messaging inappropriately. There’s a lot of coincidence there."

I did quiz him on this and he was the first to message her although she did send him a friend request because i saw him respond to it and send a message. I did wonder if something triggered her to add him in the first place but I'm not sure I'll ever get an answer to that that is concrete. I personally wouldn't have any interest in adding any of my ex tinder flings on Facebook but everyone is different.

When I found the messages, I then went on everything, there was nothing else in his phone, emails, call log, text messages, WhatsApp or messenger that was in any way inappropriate. The messages between them were from start of November so they'd been there for a while and he hadn't deleted them which makes me think if it had happened before he'd have been smarter about deleting. I wish I'd screenshotted the messages tbh and feel stupid that i didn't but I didn't even think at the time I was just so disgusted. I did think about messaging her husband but I don't know what he's like and I don't want to put her in danger or anything like that. Although she's made her choices to knowingly message my husband so really I guess that would be on her.

I was more thinking that he has done it at other points in the relationship. Not that he is messaging many women now.

Not sure his explanation makes sense. He is lonely, his friends are shit and he stopped doing a hobby with other men, so started sexting with someone he used to date?

I am like you. Wouldn’t add an ex. But some people would.

I think you have hit on something I didn’t think of. The sat there getting their jollies from sexting each other, treating you like an idiot because you don’t know the fact that you didn’t know was part of the thrill and was integral to it.

It’s good you are talking though.

It’s so difficult and I am so sorry you are going through this.

Oh I understand. I don't know. As I've said he's never ever given me a reason to doubt him up to now so I don't know. I'm not sure if speculating is really helpful either, I could drive myself crazy going down that road and never have any answers anyway. I feel like all I can really go on is what I thought I knew of him and what i know now..

I'm not sure how much I'm buying his reasoning either. If he's sad and down then he should have spoken to me or the gp or gone for counselling. If he was lonely he should have gone back to his hobby which I'd been encouraging him to do. This all feels like a really left field choice to use as a coping strategy. I'm leaning more towards it being mindless and thoughtless and selfish bit of 'fun' on the assumption what i don't know doesn't hurt me and him now scrambling to come up with a 'why' that sounds less cold.

Thanks BTW to everyone who responded today, it made me feel much less alone on a shitty day.

@Reflags42 - I think that's exactly it- seems like harmless fun at the time- except what they don't factor in if they get found out is that you might well stay for all sorts of reasons but you don't ever 100% feel quite the same about them - I'm being honest, I've been there, I'm still married many many years later - but it never 100% leaves you I feel- so be prepared for that

@Crikeyalmighty I can fully appreciate that may well be the case. There will always be a shred of doubt now where there wasn't one before. Can I ask was there anything for you that helped you recover things and decide to stay?

OP - divorce is always an option and you can always decide to pull the plug if it gets to the point where you are absolutely sure it’s wajt you want.

But - you do have a small child now. And I do think you owe it to him to try and see if you can get your relationship back on track.

I do think he was an idiot. People in unhappy/stressful periods do sometimes make stupid mistakes. But, in my opinion - he did not cross the line that one can’t come
back from.

As to how to move forward if you wanted to re-build your relationship - then i do think (if you can) - couples’ counselling can be a good start. Open communication. Figuring out a better balance of you as a couple and you as a family. Openness with devices - not for ‘snooping’ but to help you with restoring trust. It can be done - but takes time.

He’s betrayed you and your DC and in doing so has kicked your trust in him to death. Maybe you can regain some of it in time with a lot of remorse and work from him but - it will never return intact.

Sorry OP, so horribly hard. Take things one step at a time.

@Reflags42, in my marriage this betrayal would be considered cheating. Your H has been having an online emotional/sexual affair with this OW whom he previously dated and, I assume, had sex with.

He is downplaying his faithless behavior as a mere flirtation, but his disloyalty is massive. Besides their sex chat, he was detailing your intimate life and sharing about your and your child’s daily lives. Is nothing sacred to him? He used you and DS to connect and gain mileage with OW. He is a really shitty father to involve his little son in his infidelity.

He is claiming being sad, lonely and stressed? None of those justify his unethical, destructive choices. He led you to believe you were on the same page about working on things together, but that was a fallacy. His true, selfish agenda was pursuing illicit validation and cheap gratification. He thought cake eating, humiliating you, and trashing his family were good ideas.

My respect and trust would have plummeted to zero, but if you are going to consider reconciliation, standard recovery requirements would include: knowledge of the whole story (which you don’t have); a complete timeline; total NC with OW; open access to devices, statements, etc.; and working on his character flaws that enabled his cheating through IC and infidelity websites and readings [particularly the Wayward forum on survivinginfidelity].

@Reflags42, find your anger and consider IC to sift through your feelings as you make decisions. Also, check out the Just Found Out and others forums on the above-mentioned site.

Just remember, you don't have to make any decisions about the future of your relationship right now. You can think about it.

Exactly this

He has been an absolute twat and you are going to struggle to trust him but you don't have to end the marriage now

Would you consider seeing someone to talk to about it all?

I do think I owe it to ds to try and make it work but I just feel grossed out by him now and still can't look at him. It just feels like who i thought he was never existed. I did some maths last night and I probably could just about afford to leave but it would be super tight and I'd need to borrow money from my parents to try and get set up initially. The big thing for me ultimately is I don't want to have my ds part time. The thought of it is actually so unbearable. So I don't feel like I've a choice but to work at it. It does feel like something has just died between us and there was one message he sent asking "are you busy tomorrow" he absolutely swears blind (as he would) that he was just asking casually as in what are you up to type of thing, but it to me reads like he might have been trying to meet up with her, which is obviously a huge concern because that takes things to another level. She didn't reply and their messages read as if any time one or the other has suggested meeting up (usually her suggesting he should join her night out or pick her up as she's been drinking or such things) the other has ignored it.

The idea of another day having to brave face it is just urgh but we're meant to be at my parents today and I can't cancel because my mum will have gone to kids of effort to host and if dh doesn't go they'll know straight away something is up. Which means 4 hrs stuck in the car together. Though it might be a nicer atmosphere for ds to be in at least. I can't wait until Christmas stuff is over it just feels suffocating this year. I'm so worried for ds, I can barely look at or being myself to speak to dh but I want normality for ds and I'm not sure how I find that balance.

I would absolutely consider couples counselling but at the same time I feel like he needs to bring the solutions to me at this point and show that he's actually given it consideration and action.

Generally cheats admit to the least possible they can. Sometimes more comes out later.

Hope your day goes OK.

Why can’t your parents know?

Leave him at home.

My family are lovely but can be hard work, my dsis ex was cheating and sexting and walked out after getting another woman pregnant a few years ago so she's just gone through an awful divorce which my parents were devastated by. Watching how my mum in particular handled it wasn't great, she blamed my dsis for not being good enough at housework and working too much. Ultimately I know she blamed her ex but he wasn't there to give off to do my dsis got a lot of flack undeservedly. So I'm not sure if really want to let her know. Plus I think it would ruin the very good relationship they've always had with dh if I do stay and we repair things.

Of course you can't bear to look at DH now. The (hopefully temporary) ick has set in

Get through today as best you can. DH could always be "ill" so he can stay at home?

Counselling doesn't have to be couples. You could have a few sessions with just you?

Take it day by day. See what DH comes up with as solutions/ideas to move forward...... and take it from there

I promise you, that having DS part time isn't the end of the world. It honestly isn't. Don't make yourself unhappy to avoid this scenario which is truly not awful

I wouldn’t worry about ruining their good relationship with him.

These are the consequences of his actions. But if it won’t help you fair enough.

I still wouldn’t let him come. I would make an excuse to your parents. He isn’t well or something.

I am sure your parents will pick up on something wrong anyway with you both there.

What an awful Christmas you've had op.
A couple of things jump out at me from your updates and PPS.
*What would have happened if you hadn't caught him?
*Why, when under pressure, did he cleave to another woman & not his wife?
*Why didn't you cleave to another man?
*Why is it your job to fix it?
It's absolutely disgraceful behavior on his part, he was getting a sexual kick out of the messages while his wife has given both to his ds.
Pretty unforgivable behavior and I assume he's now got the hangdog expression, poor me, I couldn't help it, I didn't mean it, it meant nothing.
Unless he's seriously mentally unstable, he could help it, he did mean it and it did mean something or he wouldn't have done it.
I wouldn't be in your shoes for anything.
My heart goes out to you ❤️

• given birth 🙄

@Reflags42 different position for me- it had happened 10years before- I found a load of letters and poems and songs he had written stuffed away. Someone young who worked with us.

In my case the time lag made the difference I think. He too at that time was sad, depressed and rather lonely. His mum was dying, we had business issues etc. hence I think your H might well be correct in his reasoning- but an arse in the way he went about it. I've found with some men they actually find it hard to meet other men for friendship when older, especially if not sporty and sadly it's actually easier to meet women even if initially all they actually wanted was chat and to feel a bit more pep into life. I'm not excusing him one iota , more trying to understand him.

Hi OP, have you checked call logs from the tines they suggested meeting up? Can you think back to those dates and can you be sure of his whereabouts?

A happy man doesn't chat to other women online. He's looking around to see what's out there. Just because it didn't pan out this time doesn't mean he won't stop looking - he'll just be more careful next time.

Have some self respect and walk away with your head held high. He's the one wrecking the family, not you.

I checked his call logs and there was nothing untoward. I wish I'd screenshotted the messages to read again with a clearer head but I didn't think at the time and he's blocked her now so they'll be gone I think? I genuinely don't think they met up, he's always either at home or at work or maybe the quick visit to family which is arranged through our group chat so I'd know about it anyway. I do think I'd know if he'd been meeting up with someone.

Take each day as it comes from today

Have some counselling for you

See what DH comes up with as his solutions

Take time, breathe and practice self care ✨️