Dh messages

[Reflags42]

I feel physically sick.

Been with dh for 7 years now, married for 3 and have ds 1. This last year has been rocky as we've adjusted to ds coming along.

I noticed a while ago that a woman added dh on fb (he was sitting beside me at the time) and there was something about his reaction to it that felt off. That was about a month ago and today I had the chance and curiosity got the better of me. I've never snooped before, he's never been anything but a wonderful partner and I've felt really secure in our relationship up to recently.

There were messages back and forth to this girl, some really run of the mill chit chat about their families (she's also married with a little one) and then in between, really inappropriate and flirty messages. Even discussed our sex life (which has been almost non existent for the last few months) and talking in detail about the last time we did anything and what we did. Her telling him when she had a wank etc.

I feel so humiliated and betrayed. I confronted him about it, he went grey, took responsibility immediately and said it was a stupid flirtation and never progressed to real life (messages also read like they never met up and he never goes out so I believe that). He said he doesn't really understand why he did it, and that he understands why I'm upset and he'll block her and never have contact with her again. I don't really know what the next step is. Obviously we need to work on things between us but I've lost trust in him now and I think if it was just me I'd walk away but I have ds to think about and I couldn't stand only having him half the week. Dh is a great and engaged father so he'd want joint custody and there's really no reason why he wouldn't get it. I'm just off mat leave and it's depleted my savings and I don't earn enough at the moment that I'd afford to set myself up somewhere new.

I want to work at things- we've always had a brilliant relationship and felt rock solid but lack of sleep and more demands and no time together as a couple has really taken its toll. So I want to get back to where we were before but equally I'm scared that's the foolish option and that I'm going to be left looking like a mug further down the line.

I'm scared I haven't been angry enough, but it's Xmas day, we're due to his parents house for the whole day which I now couldn't see far enough and I don't want ds to hear fighting in the house and I think I was just so shocked by it. I never ever in a million years thought he'd be like that.

What should my next steps be?

I really feel for you op. What on earth is wrong with men that they will risk everything for so little?!
Tbh the disrespect he has shown for both you and your ds by doing this would be a deal breaker for me but people react differently.
Can you ask him to leave for a few days have time to think? Do you have any RL support?

The atmosphere at home is awful so I think once today is over I'm going to suggest he stays at his parents for a few days so I can have some space. I just don't want ds exposed to a prolonged tension. It just leaves me with a lot with all care of our child, pets etc. I can do it I just don't want it to feel like a holiday for him. He doesn't deserve one.

I've told two of my friends who I trust the most but again they're busy with their own lives/ kids/ festivities and I don't want to be a downer on their holiday either.

'I just can't believe he'd be stupid enough to risk only getting to be with his child half the week. We have the best wee son, he's an absolute dote and we're so lucky. I just can't get my head round it that he'd be so fucking stupid as to jeopardise that'

.....

Because they think they won't get caught and if they do they will be able to lie and manipulate their wife into forgiving them.

It will only feel like a holiday if he is a complete shit.

If he finds it relaxing and enjoyable at his parents, knowing what’s at risk and that chose to make that bet, then you shouldn’t want him home.

He bet himself that he could have his little ego boost and betray you and get away with it. He bet his family that he could have sext her and get his jollies and keep you in the dark.

TBH, thinking about this, I think the worst (in regards to the content of his messages) is that he was telling her about your sex life. I couldn’t get over that.

You don't have to decide anything immediately OP. Take some time and space and talk to your friends when you can. He has hurt you and your family and whatever you decide to do, you need time to process the hurt and betrayal.

I would be incredibly hurt by this and find it hard to forgive, but, I can see how easy it would be to get sucked into correspondence like this, it would feel quite thrilling yet quite 'safe', assuming he is being honest that it would never go any further. So on balance I would probably (eventually) forgive him.

Although I can see why you wouldn’t contact her husband The surviving infidelity website suggests you should tell her husband. I would be tempted to tell her husband if only to find out if he is still in contact with her. If he has truly blocked her he won’t find out.

The next few years are going to be a rough ride if you reconcile. If he felt stressed a month or so ago he is going to have to ask himself how he will cope now with what the fuck is about to happen. At the minute you are in shock, at some point this will wear off. You are likely to then go through the grief stages.

If he needed ego kibbles when you loved, respected and held him in high regard how will he manage now? Will he still need smoke blowing up his butt to feel okay about himself? This is when they tend to reach out to self soothe. If she is also fighting to save her marriage she may have less time and inclination to contact your husband for ego kibbles.

Dont listen to any unmet needs theory, it’s nonsense. Meeting someone’s needs by Watching someone’s favourite sport, oral sex every Tuesday and cooking them steak every night does not instill the values of loyalty, integrity and faithfulness in someone. It makes no sense. Your needs for loyalty and commitment are not being met - is it therefore acceptable to have a secret relationship with a third party? If not why not?

Also why did he expect you to remain loyal and play by different rules? Why didn’t he tell you so you can join the party and have a ex boyfriend texting buddy?

He can’t fix this by the way. He may be able to increase your trust and you may get a better marriage long term. But it will be a new marriage and not the one you had.

The character flaws that allowed him to cheat are the character flaws that usually mean a cheater is incapable of doing the work to reconcile. Often people split after 2-4 years when they are back on level ground. Cheating can cause ptsd in victims. Take very good care of yourself. Take each day as it comes and even if you reconcile now you can change your mind any day. Any day at all, now or in 5 years. This was on him. He’s a fool - and I am very sorry you are in this situation. All the best op.

You aren’t a mug whatever you choose to do btw. I’d rather be someone with grace who sees the best in someone, who follows their values and does what they feel is right despite the shit someone has chosen to throw at them. Than someone who sneaks around and takes advantage of the grace their loved one has shown them.

Write down your values and make decisions daily based on them. Then you will respect the choices you make. Sometimes people think they have to leave or they are a mug. Forgive yourself if you think that. I don’t think you have to forgive him to reconcile by the way. And you can forgive and then split up. But you have you love and respect yourself. That is your priority.

People believe in unmet needs theory as they feel meeting needs stops their spouse cheating. It doesn’t. Their own moral code, integrity and values stops them cheating. They don’t cheat for THEMSELVES. Their spouse is their collateral damage.

Showing grace doesn’t make you a mug. Reconciling doesn’t make you a mug.

. I'm just off mat leave and it's depleted my savings a

You are married
Why have your individual savings been depleted? It was amd is a joint expense
Where are his savings?
Where are your joint savings ?
Who paid your pension contributions during mat leave?

Yes, @Reflags42, you do need space from his toxic presence as you practice self-care and attempt to regain your balance.

Divulging details of your sex life as a hook and thrill with OW was beyond the pale. He actually pimped out your personal, intimate business to score points with her. I wouldn’t continue with any man who has the capability of stooping so low and disrespecting me so profoundly.

With such a deep sense of entitlement and lack of empathy, I would assume that he’d be a repeat offender.

@Reflags42 I did reconcile by the way- but I've never forgiven or forgotten - I just chose to pack it away in a mental drawer and move onwards and create more of a life for myself- which I did
and I reserve the right to change my mind at any point if he ever does anything similar again .

Can you use this as your opportunity to move to where you have support?

Save your arse off for a year , then dump his cheating arse

To me that is serious infidelity, even moreso because they were together before. Even worse he told her about you sexually. If he wanted help he could have gone to a therapist, friend, or relative. But he chose to engage sexually with another woman, a former lover at that. I would look at this as cheating. What is your policy on that? Don't get bogged down in the details of it all, just look at the basic facts. Since he's a reasonable person he should be able to work out visitation with you, like letting you keep your baby with you 100% and he visits them at your home, or somewhere neutral. A child that young needs to have a primary caregiver from a brain development standpoint. If he's as great as you say he would make this as easy as possible for you and baby.

Personally. Not everyone but…He moves out, I message her (just to scare her) , I concentrate on how to be a single parent. He wins back my trust or he fails. I wouldn’t want to give up but I wouldn’t just forgive.

I personally wouldn’t get past this, I totally understand how it can happen of course. People are human and make mistakes but this has been almost 8 weeks of messages which have often been sexual in nature. They have not met up but consider if you hadn’t have seen them and perhaps you have a big argument - it wouldn’t have been as hard as you’d like to think for them to turn a flirtation into physical cheating. All it would have taken would be a small nudge.

It would give me the ick and really dent / remove any respect I had for him. I appreciate integrity in people and he’s had 8 weeks to stop this, to realise how ridiculous it was. At any point he could have thought “this is so stupid and destructive” and just blocked her, deleted the messages and focused on you and your relationship. But he didn’t, he has acted without any integrity or respect. For me that’s a deal breaker - when the respect is gone then I’m out, I can’t share a bed and a house with someone so cliched, it turns my stomach.

Hope it all works out OP, I totally understand why you’d want to resolve things and stay together. Whether it can be done is another matter

When something like this happens, what you do now know is that he has got something like this in him. This in itself is unsettling and as such you cannot trust that he won’t do it again. You therefore need to have complete access to his phone if you want to try again.

You don’t have to rush and the way you feel at the moment may not pass. That is fine too. If you feel like you need space then ask for it.

He played with fire and he now has to accept that he could get his fingers burned.

What you definitely should not do is lay the blame on yourself, the OW or anyone or anything else. He chose to do what he did and that is all on him.

His entire wage went on bills and his savings have also been depleted. We do have joint savings but we used a lot of that for redecorating/ things for ds and in advance nursery fees plus a new car as his gave up completely. So we were already lower then with col and mortgage interest rates going up it meant we ended up using joint savings for more than we ever intended. I used my savings to fund myself and my bills while on mat leave including 3 months unpaid at the end. I do still have savings left but just not enough that I'd confidently walk out the door to upfront costs. Now I'm back to work I'm putting money aside to build that back up.

I'm not sure about pension contributions, I'm guessing my employer? That's not something I thought of if I'm honest. I got 18 weeks full pay from employer then smp at around 650 pm for a few months then no income.

My family live hours away in an area where there are very limited job opportunities and I'm in a good job for my sector it's just not a well paid sector unfortunately so a new job with permanent contract will be high on my agenda now which is sad because I love my job and I'm really good at it and it gives loads of flexibility which I know I wouldn't get everywhere. Also they're not massively supportive, my mum has mh issues and isn't really fit for babysitting alone for long periods so dh family have been our main support and they live round the corner. My in laws are great, his mum would be devastated if she knew.

My other issue is that our home is in his name and I pay him towards the mortgage, he bought it before I was with him and the mortgage renegotiation happened too quickly for me to get things in order to get on it due to some issues with my work and evidence etc. So I don't know what, if any entitlement I'd have there.

My plan is to get myself as financially stable as possible and then be in a position to leave if I couldn't get past this or if he did anything remotely similar.

"What you definitely should not do is lay the blame on yourself, the OW or anyone or anything else. "

I don't blame myself although it's for sure opened old wounds and made me feel like shit. But I absolutely and completely also blame her. She knew he was married she knew he had a child and any woman who can do that to another is beyond the pale in my book. She blocked me on Facebook so I can't find her or who her dh is, I assume because I could still see her on dh phone yesterday morning but not on mine. So she knew exactly what she was at and in my eyes is therefore equally liable to responsibility. And I don't think holding her accountable in any way absolves him. He was the one who made vows and chose to shit on them.

I'm so mad at myself for being in this position. I was so burned after my experience with my ex that I swore I'd never leave myself financially vulnerable like this. But I also would never have had a baby with someone I didn't trust 100% so it's just so enraging.

You're married, you're paying towards the mortgage = you have a claim on the family home. Although 3 years is a short marriage the amount of time you've been together will probably be taken into account. Talk to a solicitor to get an opinion.

I'd get legal advice on your rights if you were to divorce.

I'd take him back and save up until you're financially comfortable enough to manage alone. Then make your decision from there.

It's not just about money though, it is unfortunately utterly crap to be without your children half the time. I left an abusive marriage and while I don't regret leaving I will never be totally ok about the amount of time I spend time apart from my children. I'm not suggesting op should definitely stay, just that I don't think it's as easy as skipping out of the door to a better future.

The big thing for me ultimately is I don't want to have my ds part time. The thought of it is actually so unbearable

gently - right now that’s not a helpful thought to have as that could drive assumptions , it won’t help you right now x

sounds like you need and deserve some space and time to process this

and he needs to take the lead a bit here in terms of rebuilding
how does he think this is going to affect intimacy between you , given the messages he sent
very tough on you

and blocked you on Facebook did she ?
cheeky fucking bitch

I found out something similar ish about DH. I don't want to be a single mum, I don't want to share my kids, I don't want to downsize. Also I feel like we both make mistakes and we owe our marriage some work, but it will never be the same again. If anything physical happened or any emotional chat that would be the end. I hope. Sometimes I wonder if I'd have the balls to go it alone. I'm a SAHM and I don't want to be a working mum for a few years yet. All bad reasons to stay in a relationship but tempered with I love the stupid fucker and his sex drive far exceeds mine. Adulthood is hard!