MY cousin has been accused of rape.

[supressedmemories]

I have namechanged for this for obvious reasons. My cousin is 1 year older than me and has just been arrested and accused of raping his partner. I cant say Im particularly surprised. he's always been a nasty, violent little shit and totally obsessed with female genitalia. I used to go over there with my parents and 2 younger brothers and he used to try to pull my trousers down (soon twigged onto not wearing a skirt around him) and touch me. when i was 13 i refused to go to my aunties because he was getting v rough and aggressive. I had forgotten/supressed (?) just how bad these "games" were until now. and havent seen him in nearly 20 years.

the problem is that all of my family are horrified that this woman has pressed charges, they are convinced that he's innocent and shes a lying slut. unfortunately they have a history of sweeping those skeletons into the closet and have never faced up to anything. should i tell them about what he used to do to me? or just forget about it, it was a long time ago and surely not much can be gained by me telling now.

Don't know really - hopefully someone else will be more use than me.

i'd speak to the police

am sorry this has brought back awful memories for you

Only 2 possible scenarios...

1 His partner is lying and has made this up to get at him.

2 His partner is telling the truth.

In either case I wouldn't necessarily jump to the conclusion that his behaviour towards you when he was 13 is relevant. I know loads of people who were shits at 13 but are perfectly pleasant adults - I'm sure everyone can say the same.

His family won't want to believe that he is capable of this, so I don't think it would be helpful to mention your experiences at this stage.

Maybe if he is found guilty it would be time to talk to your family?

thank you. i just dont know what to do. if he is guilty, then he obviously cant get away with it. and if i tell my family then they will turn on me (thats how they work ) im not particularly close to them anyway but ds is!

I'd speak to the police in confindence and take it from there.

From what you say - definitely don't tell them now. They are in shock and they'll probably turn on you as you will be compounding their feelings.

Poor you - is there anyone outside the family you could confide in to talk through your feelings?

Sadly even if he is guilty, there is every chance that he might get away with it.

Do you want to tell your family and risk them turning on you? Do you think it's good that ds is close to them? (I'm not criticising, just suggesting you weigh up how much they mean to him and whether their influence is a good thing in your opinion.)

Agree it's probably worth telling the police - you don't know whether it would be useful or not but probably worth a go. But think about what you'd want to do if they asked you to get involved.

Can you speak to his partner?

i see a counsellor for an unrelated reason on a fortnightly basis.

youre right, i shouldnt tell my family.

edam, they think the world of ds and he adores them. my mum told me that her mother was dead, and i found out recently that she had only died 2years ago. i will never forgive her for not giving me the choice to know my nan. i dont want to be like them.

Definitely talk to your counsellor about it. I would ask their advice about going to the police - I don't think the police will take his teenage behaviour very seriously.

i suppose not.

I agree with Lulumama, If you can face it, it might be worth speaking to the police so they have all the facts you hold.

I would say that 20 years is a very long time to have not seen someone. The relationship he has with this woman is I assume not one you know well.
He may be guilty, he may not, but I am not sure stuff he did 20 years ago could confirm or deny the likleyhood.

Sorry for what you went through, it is awful when things like this happen, it can effect people for ages.. I hope you manage to find a way of getting through these memories.

If you go to the police they won't use it as 'background information' they'll treat it as a totally separate allegation.

and if she is telling the truth and noone believs her.. "cos something he did as a teenager won't have any bearing on how he is now"

My god, and then he ets away with it. What isf the next girl is not so lucky?

Sorry but definately talk to the police. Men like this can not be allowed to get away with this, so she was his girlfriend. Mut have been a hell of a situation then for her to have him arrested imo.

dont think i could cope with the pressure of making an official allegation. its just hearing about this has brought it all back to me and im so angry.he might not have done it, but he might! he has a history of violence toward his previous partners and the things that he used to try to do to me (even though we were both young) were quite nasty and he was very violent about it iykwim.

I think the reverse is true - it's not that his behaviour then has no relation to how he behaves as an adult. It's that supressedmemories needs to understand that if she does go to the police they won't just add it to his file. It's not relevant to the current case so if she wants them to pursue it she will have to get them to treat it as a separate allegation.

Only she knows whether his behaviour at the time warrants that.

i would think a private message of support to the girlfriend might be an idea. she must be going through hell.

Sorry - xp - I was replying to liahgen

i'm sorry it has brought back painful memories for you. I totally understand, I 've been there, but you must make some sort of official documentation.

Seriously, if he has a history of violence, is the next girl going to get away? I know it sounds dramatic, but what if the next girl struggles a bit too much?

We have to take responsibility. This girl has been very brave in making a complaint, she need help to get him off the streets.

I don't mean to be unsympathetic to you but i believe very strongly in this area.