MY cousin has been accused of rape.

[supressedmemories]

I have namechanged for this for obvious reasons. My cousin is 1 year older than me and has just been arrested and accused of raping his partner. I cant say Im particularly surprised. he's always been a nasty, violent little shit and totally obsessed with female genitalia. I used to go over there with my parents and 2 younger brothers and he used to try to pull my trousers down (soon twigged onto not wearing a skirt around him) and touch me. when i was 13 i refused to go to my aunties because he was getting v rough and aggressive. I had forgotten/supressed (?) just how bad these "games" were until now. and havent seen him in nearly 20 years.

the problem is that all of my family are horrified that this woman has pressed charges, they are convinced that he's innocent and shes a lying slut. unfortunately they have a history of sweeping those skeletons into the closet and have never faced up to anything. should i tell them about what he used to do to me? or just forget about it, it was a long time ago and surely not much can be gained by me telling now.

Sorry, I don't agree that the police won't take this seriously. I have worked on several investigations like this and I know the police would take this kind of historic behaviour very seriously indeed (or the ones I work with have anyway). They may not be able to act on something, but it will certainly help their investigation. You don't know exactly what this poor lady has said - what you say to them may fit with what she says about him.
I am sorry you are going through this x

This is such a tricky situation for you, suppressedmemories.

I'm not sure what would be the best course of action, but I hope you find your family and friends supportive.

thank you. it would appear i have some thinking to do

I think his behaviour with you as a teenager has a direct bearing on his character now and I am surprised others don't think this.His physicality with you at a young age was not normal behaviour and is unlikely to have suddenly left him I personally would raise your concerns with the police It would be confidential

ellieG, what do you do?

In my opinion, you dont know the full story. It may be his first offence, it may not actually be an offence at all just a vindictive woman out to "get" him, or he may have done this before and other women may step forward.

You have no evidence. You just did not like the child and teenager he was. You have not known him for 20 years. What good would it do anybody if you now stepped foreward and said "The suspect was playing nasty child hood games with me, he wanted to touch me genitals, more than 20 years ago." You might experience a relief in getting it off your chest, but possibly the entire family may turn on you.

My neighbour wanted to play the same silly games with me, he is a lovely family father with a wife and to gorgeous kids.
Same story with another boy down the road.

Boys, teenage boys especially tend to do this sort of thing, they are just too curious to contain themselves, it does not mean they will end up as rapists or axe murderers.

Your role should be to support your family, not help tear it apart.

Innocent until proven guilty, and all that.

I would not say anything to anybody except maybe a therapist/councillor.

Oh, and what if he really is innocent, and your portrayal of a sex crazed brute, as I am sure the defence would cling to if there was nothing else to go by, was instrumental in sending an innocent man to prison??

Could you live with that?
Would your family ever forgive you?

Social worker in child protection. We work closely with the police child protection team, so although I understand this is very different obviously, I have been involved in investigations where a historic allegation has backed up what a girl said about a current assault (as there were similar elements to it and no way the girl and woman could have got together to make their stories same) and meant there was a conviction.

and the girlfriend?? Quinsenntial is she not innocent until proven guilty too?

His first offence was when he was sexually aggressive as a teenager with his own cousin

I very much doubt that what the OP has to say would 'send an innocent man to prison'. All that is being suggested is that she discuss what happened to her with the police, as it may have a bearing on their current investigation.
Violent sexual behaviour is NOT normal in adolescents, playing around doctors-and-nurses stuff is, but not violence.

qs - the op describes her childhood experience of the guy as nasty, rough and aggressive. this does not sound like unbridled curiosity, nor innocent games.

if the ops instinct says she felt/feels the guy is a danger, then she has a decision to make as to what she does with that feeling and the info she has.

jesus, if families stick together so unconditionally as qs has suggested, no wonder a huge percentage of abuse happens within families. i think that attitude is shocking tbh.

Message withdrawn

Yes, if you can be brave enough, do.

It is not normal for teenage boys do not play rough sexual games of the sort SM is implying he did. A game od mammy's and adddy's does not involve any kind of coertion.

Innicent until proven guilty yes; telling your story about your experiences will not change that, but it might help this poor woman to know that she is not alone.

Even if you talk to her and no one else.

I don't know if you saying anything will change how people feel. A close family member of mine was accused of rape a few years ago. Some people shunned him and some stood by him.

thank you, some good advice on here. think i will speak to my counsellor about it and ask his advice. just spoken to mum and my cousin has been released but is not allowed back into our town, its a v large town, can they do that?

Sorry, I probably posted in haste, I meant she should not discuss it with her family.
I dont think any good will come out of that, whether innocent or not.

If he is guilty, she may even risk them turning on her anyway, saying "why did you not say something before?" We all know what families can be like in the blames and accusations department. I think his parents need to believe he is innocent, for now.

Imagine your child standing accused of rape.

Talk to the police in confidence, but I dont think it wise to bring it up with the family yet.

ah, well in that i completely agree actually. i dont think you need your family turning on you righht now. i really sytmpathise.

would i be able to tell the police without my family knowing that it was me?

can i ask you smallwhitecat, ellieG, anyone else who may know.. if i were to speak to the police about an incident that happened to me over a decade ago in london (im not anymore), who would be the right people to contact? local to where it happened? or does that matter? and is there a specific rank or dept i should ask for?
this thread has made me sure i should make my experience known, if only to assist any future prosecutions against the same person. thx.