Uneasy about BF’s attitude

[Woowoo97]

My boyfriend’s ex has a habit of drunkenly texting him at times. Most of the time she’s incredibly hostile and he thinks she must be drunk when she sends those messages. He has blocked her everywhere. As far as I know he has always ignored the messages and blocked. Last night he got another few messages (new number). He got annoyed and said he’d reply once and for all which is about time.
However I did see his reply to her and it was horrific and cruel and I can’t help feeling uneasy about this. I understand that this is annoying but this is clearly someone who is unwell and maybe fragile. He was very cruel and I did not like it and it’s not like him at all. I told him and he says he doesn’t care what she does as long as she leaves him alone. I understand this of course but he really went out of his way to be as hurtful as possible.
Maybe I am being too sensitive but I feel bad because I know that many people struggle this time of the year and this is the last thing they need to hear.

Take this as a warning: one day he'll be sending messages like that to you. What sort of thing was he saying?

Why hasn’t he blocked her? That’s all he needs to do

sounds like he has reached the end of his tether with her

Yeah...that's not good.

Even if it was a toxic relationship...it seems he was as bad as her.

Bare minimum is a partner should be a kind human being.

There are ways to tell an ex to back off that are firm without being cruel.

For example 'Do not text me again Sarah. I have been perfectly clear with you to leave me alone. Move on with your life. Any further contact will result in me reporting you for harassment'.

I'd listen to your gut op.
I'd be seriously wondering if actually, she was a nice person too...before she met him.

@Tinkerbyebye he has blocked her, this was a new number.

OP I dislike the sound of his cruelty and I think you're right to be horrified. I guess in his defence she is harassing him by using a different number to get around being blocked.

Proceed with caution.

Quick thought experiment OP. Would you feel the same if the sexes were reversed?

Many years ago I had to break up with a woman with mental health issues. She put me in a number of dangerous situations and was having and effect on my own mental health.

She carried out a campaign of harassment for 3 years afterwards. Sent vitriolic messages and phone calls, would turn up at my house in the middle of the night. She broke into my back garden and cut up my clothes on the washing line, damaged my car. I changed my number, email etc, no joy. It would stop for a month or two and then kicked off again.

The police were less than helpful and it only finally stopped when I left the country for a year. I never did what your partner did because I thought it would just feed the beast, but by god I wanted to.

Even in the quiet patches I was permanently on edge. Every knock at the door, every time the phone rang, I expected it to start up again. I'm not surprised your boyfriend cracked eventually.

He’s being repeatedly harassed by her and every time he blocks her she finds a new way or a new phone number to contact him.

In your own words she is “incredibly hostile”.

It sounds to me like he is absolutely at the end of his rope with it all, I can’t imagine the toll this type of harassment must take.

I see this as him simply making it utterly clear that he does not want anything whatsoever to do with her. Ever.

I would be more irritated if he didn't put his foot down firmly. Her behaviour is appalling - what if she was making him unwell and fragile?

I think there's ways and ways of being firm. Cruelty shouldn't be necessary. I can understand frustration but a short firm message would have done it,not something deliberately spiteful.

If you're horrified by what he wrote and you're presumably normally on his side, then it was probably excessive.

Was it out of character,or at least out of the character you were aware of?

This is exactly what I was going to post. It must be awful for him.

Have you ever been stalked by an abusive nutter like this, who constantly gets new numbers and email addresses to get around blocks?

Because I have, and yes, I have been guilty of sending a very nasty text or two myself. The Police were not impressed, because any response encourages these types.

He really does need to go to the Police about this though. I totally get his frustration, even though he probably isn't in danger (the abusive ex would physically stalk me and beat me up when he had chance).

And yes, he was very good at playing 'unwell' and 'fragile'. Abusers always are.

God no. I totally understand that he had to say something and I don’t blame him for it. But I think there was no need to go so low and say such horrible things. No I have never been harrassed like this and I admit that I don’t know what it’s like. I just know that she texts when drunk and it’s something that happens every few months or so.

I agree. He's being stalked and harassed. Maybe he's trying to get rid of her once and for all. I think he should report her to the police.

He has it come from a new number

Oh come off it guys. She sent him some nasty drunk messages. It seems he didn't even bother to block her until recently so it couldn't have bothered him much.

Now she's crossing the line texting from a different number. Yes thats creepy. It warrants a 'stop messaging me or I'll call the police'.

It doesn't warrant a 'horrific' response.

I get that people knee jerk rèact under stress but this guy didn't. He actually spoke to his partner first so had time to decompress. And still sent a text that she finds 'horrific'.

That word implies this wasn't just a 'fuck off and leave me alone!' message. Bit something very fucked up.

If ops instincts are warning her this response was disproportionate and disconcerting then she should listen to those instincts.

If you haven’t experienced harassment like this (I have) you cannot judge his message. We all take the high road until we crack. She’s clearly ignored the calm responses and the blocking, so frankly she deserves whatever he’s sending.

Well I mean not necessarily.

I mean what if he's telling her she ugly and he never loved her. Or that he's glad she lost a baby.
Or that everyone in her life abandons her because she's stupid and boring.

Would those be OK things to say under Aby circumstances?

I don't believe so.

Yes, someone being very cruel would unnerve me and affect my opinion of them.

What did he write op? I think some posters aren't getting it because they don't know what he said.

Or maybe they still wouldn't get it.

so frankly she deserves whatever he’s sending.

No, there are ways of repelling someone without being really cruel.

Your version of cruel may not actually be "cruel" to the rest of us, especially if you're a people pleaser. What did she say and what did he say back? Also, what has she said to him in the past?

As someone who has also been stalked the only reason I wasn't "cruel" was because I was scared of his response. Hopefully she'll stop now.

What's your definition of cruel?
Fuck off you crazy desperate cunt stop contacting me
Or
Fuck off I hope you get tortured to death & your mum dies if cancer
1st one understandable 2nd one cruel

I'm with @sykadelic on this. The only reason I never responded with cruelty was the fear of his reaction. Being stalked and harassed is very onerous, particularly when standard methods fail - not responding, blocking etc. He's, by dint of sex, likely to be unafraid of consequences of letting rip, unlike most women who are stalked.

My son was once stalked by a woman. She actually made false complaints to the police and tried to repeatedly get him in trouble. He became absolutely paranoid about where she was going to pop up next. I would have been perfectly capable of posting something vile and cruel to her if she had ever contacted me.

But what did he send her? What was so horrific?

He blocked her and it didn't work.

He doesn't want it to continue.

Tbh, I think he was within his right say whatever he felt was necessary to make it stop. Maybe it was cruel but she has shown she isn't going to play nicely.

And, as we are often reminded on here, her mental health isn't his responsibility. Having been on the end of repeated and ongoing hostile communications, I'm of the opinion that anything (within the law) goes and, if a bit of honesty hurts, well tough.

Your version of cruel may not actually be "cruel" to the rest of us, especially if you're a people pleaser. What did she say and what did he say back? Also, what has she said to him in the past?

Very good point.