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Original poster

Uneasy about BF’s attitude

61 replies

Woowoo97 · 24/12/2023 12:52

My boyfriend’s ex has a habit of drunkenly texting him at times. Most of the time she’s incredibly hostile and he thinks she must be drunk when she sends those messages. He has blocked her everywhere. As far as I know he has always ignored the messages and blocked. Last night he got another few messages (new number). He got annoyed and said he’d reply once and for all which is about time.
However I did see his reply to her and it was horrific and cruel and I can’t help feeling uneasy about this. I understand that this is annoying but this is clearly someone who is unwell and maybe fragile. He was very cruel and I did not like it and it’s not like him at all. I told him and he says he doesn’t care what she does as long as she leaves him alone. I understand this of course but he really went out of his way to be as hurtful as possible.
Maybe I am being too sensitive but I feel bad because I know that many people struggle this time of the year and this is the last thing they need to hear.

OP posts:
StBrides · 24/12/2023 19:54

It doesn't matter if posters think it was acceptable to reply cruelly or not, this is about the op's boundaries.

And it would unnerve me, too. Its like the saying 'watch how someone treats waiters', no: Watch to see how they treat people who've pissed them off and who they don't care about. That is more important in a relationship than how they treat you when all is rosy and things are going their way.

Listen to your gut, op.

Volbeat · 24/12/2023 19:55

I got repeatedly got harassed by a guy. It didn't stop, even after police intervention.i must admit I said some things I wasnt proud of, but until you're in that situation you dont know how you would react.

It's not how I am normally, it's how I became when I felt suffocated, nervous, anxious, scared, smothered and a million other feelings. I snapped. Cut your bf some slack.

Cupcakekiller · 24/12/2023 20:36

FGS don't people read opening posts? He's blocked her on everything and she got a new number. I don't blame him- this is repeated continual harassment. He should report her to the police.

Original poster
Woowoo97 · 25/12/2023 00:51

Thanks all. She seems to be sending the same stuff over and over. How he ruined her life, how she gave him everything etc etc. Then there is also name calling and more accusations. Usually a lot of spelling mistakes so I can see why he reckons she drunk texts, but she won’t be buying the new SIM cards drunk.
Yeah I did not like his response to her but you are right that he might have just snapped. I think I just couldn’t understand why he couldn’t just tell her off in a normal way. There was a lengthy list of reasons why he dumped her, and why nobody would ever want her and how she’ll spend her entire life alone. I get that he got angry but I also know what it’s like to feel absolutely down and how much hurt a message like this can cause. But you are right. I don’t know what it’s been like.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 25/12/2023 01:18

Sounds like when faced with someone toxic, he becomes toxic too. I hope he's better with you, I hope you don't give, while he takes - I'm guessing not, if you have more respect for yourself, then he will have more too, it's how it goes.
You do say she contacts every few months though, which does imply it could have been a year or more since the split - how long has it been, vs how long they were together?

Fivepigeons · 25/12/2023 03:56

It's very hard to remain calm when you are being constantly harassed tho.
His response was obviously not great but I do have some sympathy.
My husband had an ex who wouldo go on opiate binges and send him abuse via any channel she could. Despite being blocked on everything she would create accounts and get new numbers etc. She even sent letters in the post. It went on for years after they broke up. He said it made him want to die.
Eventually he got the police involved who went to speak to her and she lost her job over it coz it turned out not to be the first time she had done this to an ex.
The abuse lasted longer than the actual relationship. He waited so long to tell the police I think because he thought no one would take it seriously due to him being the man.. it had a massive psychological impact on him.
I do have sympathy for anyone experiencing that kind of harassment.
It's best to always act with kindness but the impact of receiving constant abuse can really push people into reacting badly. It's a horrible weight to deal with.. waking up each morning to a new day of someone telling you you should be dead

Pinkbonbon · 25/12/2023 04:19

I suspected it might be something like that.

It's absolutely not normal or OK ybder any circumstances to text an ex that they'll be alone forever because xyz. Especially at Christmas.
What an utter bastard.

It doesn't matter how 'unhinged' she is. Infact if anything, that's more reason for not saying stuff like that to her.

She says he ruined her life? Maybe he did.
He certainly says things I'd expect a sociopath or narcissist to say. Wouldn't be surprised if he abused her when they ere together too.

There are certain things that normal human beings capable of empathy do.not.say. to eachother, no matter the circumstances.

Abusers however...textbook for them to jump to 'everyone thinks xyz about you and you'll die alone'. I suggested it might be that even before you told us because that is absolutely a non negotiable thing for anyone yo say under any circumstances. And extremely indicative that you are dating a dangerous, yes, dangerous, person.

Trust your gut! Don't let people talk you into making excuses for totally abnormal and frankly, abhorrent behaviour.

Or next year, you'll be the 'crazy ex'.

AgentJohnson · 25/12/2023 04:46

I think I just couldn’t understand why he couldn’t just tell her off in a normal way.

When someone starts texting from new numbers to get around being blocked, ‘being told off in a normal way’ no longer cuts it. Your bf is being stalked and harassed which is a criminal offence, why so much compassion for the perpetrator? Having a ‘difficult time’ is no excuse to harass someone. I would urge him to go to the Police, even though by the experiences detailed here, they aren’t much help.

foxiecookies · 25/12/2023 04:49

Pinkbonbon · 25/12/2023 04:19

I suspected it might be something like that.

It's absolutely not normal or OK ybder any circumstances to text an ex that they'll be alone forever because xyz. Especially at Christmas.
What an utter bastard.

It doesn't matter how 'unhinged' she is. Infact if anything, that's more reason for not saying stuff like that to her.

She says he ruined her life? Maybe he did.
He certainly says things I'd expect a sociopath or narcissist to say. Wouldn't be surprised if he abused her when they ere together too.

There are certain things that normal human beings capable of empathy do.not.say. to eachother, no matter the circumstances.

Abusers however...textbook for them to jump to 'everyone thinks xyz about you and you'll die alone'. I suggested it might be that even before you told us because that is absolutely a non negotiable thing for anyone yo say under any circumstances. And extremely indicative that you are dating a dangerous, yes, dangerous, person.

Trust your gut! Don't let people talk you into making excuses for totally abnormal and frankly, abhorrent behaviour.

Or next year, you'll be the 'crazy ex'.

This. Trust your guts OP.

I once dated someone whose ex couldn't let go of them. She'd drunk-text him, lure him to places through mutual friends, and lean on him a lot to make simple life decisions. He told me it's because she'd never find anyone like him due to all of her flaws and all his hard-to-find qualities. My guts told me that he'd damaged her, but I still loathed her and ignored my intuition.

A few years later, when he'd slowly broken me in the relationship with his narcissistic behaviours and future-faking during the last leg of my fertile years, I became the deranged woman, insecure and stalking him and all the women he was cheating on me with. He broke me and dumped me after 7 years. He would list many reasons why I'm unhinged and unworthy, all things I developed/displayed only when I dated him.
What's shocking to me is that after much self-work, I went on to date other people and was the complete opposite of who I was with the ex. I'm not insecure, co-dependent, combative or unhinged. In fact, my latest ex said he'd never dated someone as peaceful as me! Even I was surprised given how I'd been with the ex.

My ex still thinks I'll always be alone. I now see through him and believe he is evil in disguise. I feel sorry for the unlucky woman who may marry him. I have no doubt he will break them.

WandaWonder · 25/12/2023 04:55

So she she is harassing him yet he is in the wrong?

Sure she sounds like she has issues bit is responsible for her actions, being female doesn't absolve her of being at fault

Separately you know if he is being unreasonable and will he treat you this way in the future?

AgentJohnson · 25/12/2023 04:56

There are certain things that normal human beings capable of empathy do.not.say. to eachother, no matter the circumstances.

Here speaks someone who has no idea how being stalked and harassed can push you over the edge. Being sad or mental illness are not excuses to blight someone else’s life.

I knew someone whose 20’s was blighted by a woman who would not let go. There would be times when she’d disappear only to pop up again and ramp up the abuse.

sykadelic · 25/12/2023 05:24

Thank you for the update. According to your posts:

She:

  • has sent multiple messages including changing her number to contact him as he's blocked her
  • Most of the time she's hostile
  • He repeatedly just blocks and ignores
  • says he ruined her life
  • say she gave him everything
He responded to her ONLY ONCE after months of the harassment, with:
  • list of reasons why he dumped her
  • why nobody would ever want her
  • how she’ll spend her entire life alone
The purpose of his message was to shock her. The broker no argument. To leave no space for argument on wanting her back. Guarantee that if she tries to message him again, she'll actually stop and think of the potential consequences and that he might actually stick up for himself.

He's been subjected to months of harassment. I'm not saying reading those things wouldn't have sucked, but maybe she'll actually stop harassing him now. Honestly, he should probably talk to police if she continues, she's clearly unhinged. Hopefully he's keeping a record.

sykadelic · 25/12/2023 05:29

Pinkbonbon · 25/12/2023 04:19

I suspected it might be something like that.

It's absolutely not normal or OK ybder any circumstances to text an ex that they'll be alone forever because xyz. Especially at Christmas.
What an utter bastard.

It doesn't matter how 'unhinged' she is. Infact if anything, that's more reason for not saying stuff like that to her.

She says he ruined her life? Maybe he did.
He certainly says things I'd expect a sociopath or narcissist to say. Wouldn't be surprised if he abused her when they ere together too.

There are certain things that normal human beings capable of empathy do.not.say. to eachother, no matter the circumstances.

Abusers however...textbook for them to jump to 'everyone thinks xyz about you and you'll die alone'. I suggested it might be that even before you told us because that is absolutely a non negotiable thing for anyone yo say under any circumstances. And extremely indicative that you are dating a dangerous, yes, dangerous, person.

Trust your gut! Don't let people talk you into making excuses for totally abnormal and frankly, abhorrent behaviour.

Or next year, you'll be the 'crazy ex'.

It's also absolutely not normal or okay to harass ANYONE. She's been harassing him and he finally stuck up for himself. If SHE had never texted him, HE would never have texted her. She is the instigator. He is the victim.

It is not abhorrent or abnormal to say something really nasty to someone in the hopes they actually leave you alone. Until you've been victimized for months, by someone repeatedly finding ways to contact you, by someone repeatedly saying negative things about you (not just "I love you and want you back") but vile things, you can't understand why someone would finally snap.

This person texted AT CHRISTMAS (to use your own emphasis) with the intention of trying to ruin HIS Christmas.

sykadelic · 25/12/2023 05:32

foxiecookies · 25/12/2023 04:49

This. Trust your guts OP.

I once dated someone whose ex couldn't let go of them. She'd drunk-text him, lure him to places through mutual friends, and lean on him a lot to make simple life decisions. He told me it's because she'd never find anyone like him due to all of her flaws and all his hard-to-find qualities. My guts told me that he'd damaged her, but I still loathed her and ignored my intuition.

A few years later, when he'd slowly broken me in the relationship with his narcissistic behaviours and future-faking during the last leg of my fertile years, I became the deranged woman, insecure and stalking him and all the women he was cheating on me with. He broke me and dumped me after 7 years. He would list many reasons why I'm unhinged and unworthy, all things I developed/displayed only when I dated him.
What's shocking to me is that after much self-work, I went on to date other people and was the complete opposite of who I was with the ex. I'm not insecure, co-dependent, combative or unhinged. In fact, my latest ex said he'd never dated someone as peaceful as me! Even I was surprised given how I'd been with the ex.

My ex still thinks I'll always be alone. I now see through him and believe he is evil in disguise. I feel sorry for the unlucky woman who may marry him. I have no doubt he will break them.

Show quote history

Completely different situation.

In your example she texted him, he caved and talked to her, told her why no-one else would ever want her to keep her isolated.

In the OP situation, he's being harassed. He does not reply. He blocks. He finally replied to tell her to back off in the nastiest way her could with the hopes she'd finally leave him alone.

Completely different.

autienotnaughty · 25/12/2023 06:30

I'm on the fence-

Either

He is a person who thinks it's ok to be nasty to women if he has fallen out with them/they don't do what he wants.

Or

He's a generally good egg and this has built up over time and he's desperately trying to find a way to stop it. He may also be worried about losing you.

I would maybe talk to him about it and try to find the reason he sent something so nasty. And see how he is otherwise and maybe take it slow

RantyAnty · 25/12/2023 06:41

Good men really don't talk like that.

blackbeardsballsack · 25/12/2023 07:07

No sympathy for her. 'Fuck around and find out'. She fucked around harassing him with character assassinations, and got a bit of it back. If she hadn't continually harassed him, this wouldn't have happened.

rwalker · 25/12/2023 08:43

Sounds like he’s tried the normal nice route of deleting and blocking
gloves off now

GreyCarpet · 25/12/2023 11:04

I really can't see why so many people have a problem with this.

As pp said, he tried the normal route of doing things and ot didn't work so gloves off.

Hopefully she'll stop now.

GothConversionTherapy · 25/12/2023 11:11

It's impossible to judge without having a better idea idea of what he said, but it's completely understandable that it could have given you pause. Often partners put on nice faces for us.
He should probably contact the police too.

category12 · 25/12/2023 11:41

GreyCarpet · 25/12/2023 11:04

I really can't see why so many people have a problem with this.

As pp said, he tried the normal route of doing things and ot didn't work so gloves off.

Hopefully she'll stop now.

I have a problem with cruelty generally. I'm surprised more people don't have a problem with it.

If she's that bad that it's harassment, he should report it to the police. Or simply say something very firm and to the point, like "Stop messaging me or I'll get the police involved. This is harassment.".

Being coldly and purposefully cruel to someone and giving them a long list of what's wrong with them to someone is unnecessary.

GreyCarpet · 25/12/2023 12:43

Sounds like she was doing plenty of name calling and criticising herself.

Don't dish it out if you can't take it.

Dontbeme · 25/12/2023 12:52

Just end the relationship OP.

Either he's a cruel man that will be cruel to you in time or he's a victim of harrassment that you think needs to be kind to the person harrassing him. Either way you are not suited. Let him find someone supportive rather than being with someone judgemental of him being harrassed.

If a woman came on here asking if she was unreasonable to be upset as her DP questioned why she wasn't kinder to a man harrassing her, the roof would be blown off the place.

GothConversionTherapy · 25/12/2023 13:01

Dontbeme · 25/12/2023 12:52

Just end the relationship OP.

Either he's a cruel man that will be cruel to you in time or he's a victim of harrassment that you think needs to be kind to the person harrassing him. Either way you are not suited. Let him find someone supportive rather than being with someone judgemental of him being harrassed.

If a woman came on here asking if she was unreasonable to be upset as her DP questioned why she wasn't kinder to a man harrassing her, the roof would be blown off the place.

Well, men often do stalk and kill women, so frequently it's not even news worthy any more.
I'm sure it's happened the other way around at some point, but you really can't compare the situations.

I'm also tired of male posters coming on to every thread saying "ok, but what if the roles were reversed" and also indulging in some mansplaining, it's tiresome.

LinnieM · 25/12/2023 13:06

It is SO tiring when an ex parter continuously finds ways to message you. Do you really something someone who will message you on a new number will care if they’re told to leave them alone in a ‘normal way.’

Sometimes you’ve had enough and you’ll purposely be rude hoping they’ll get the picture. I don’t even know what he’s said word for word and I know he hasn’t done anything wrong