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Original poster

My partner doesn't want to have sex with me.

57 replies

ASomewhatStrangeSituation · 24/12/2023 11:37

My partner doesn't want to have sex with me.

There's no massive back story or drip feed.

We have sex around once a fortnight.

I just don't think he wants to have sex with me anymore.

We are physically close and tactile and cuddle up in bed every night. Sometimes he stuffs the duvet between us when he spoons me. I can't tell whether this is because he doesn't want me to feel his erection or because he doesn't want skin to skin contact with me. Sometimes, he'll pull away from a cuddle saying he needs the loo but will then wait for a few minutes to let an erection subside before going.

But he doesn't want sex with me.

I used to initiate quite often but I don't anymore because he generally either isn't interested or is but then fakes an orgasm to get it over with. The only time we have sex to completion is when he has initiated it.

It's made me feel really unattractive tbh. I feel like the erections he has when close to me are something he doesn't want but are an automatic reaction to being close to a naked body. Or maybe he's thinking about lying there with someone else so he has an etection but doesn't want sex with me? Maybe he just doesn't fancy me or find me sexually attractive?

It's meant that I'm less comfortable and feel awkward during the sex we do have because I don't feel attractive or desirable. It feels like we have sex to scratch an itch. I don't believe he is attracted to me anymore and that is reflected in my reactions and responses. But that is a response to him pulling away and not what started it.

I've tried talking to him about it and he just denies all of it. But I'm not stupid. I'm aware of what's happening.

OP posts:
stillplentyofjunkinthetrunk · 24/12/2023 11:43

doesn't want to have sex

or

doesn't want to have sex with you?

I don't know the answer but it makes all the difference

Original poster
ASomewhatStrangeSituation · 24/12/2023 11:51

Me, I suppose.

I know people always post on here saying, 'I know he loves me" when it's obvious he doesn't, but I do believe he loves me.

I don't think he finds me attractive or fancies me.

There is nothing to suggest he dislikes me - the opposite in fact. We're close, he goes out of his way for me, he's kind, considerate and thoughtful in other ways.

I'm assuming that at least some of these erections are accompanied by a feeling of sexual desire (so he must want sex) but the thought of having sex with me is off putting enough to stop him.

I don't know what would be worse - him not getting erections at all or him getting then but not wanting to have sex (with me).

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 24/12/2023 12:05

I'm assuming that at least some of these erections are accompanied by a feeling of sexual desire (so he must want sex) but the thought of having sex with me is off putting enough to stop him.

I think that is quite an assumption and you could be wide of the mark, esp as you do have sex at least once a fortnight, which is pretty often for most LTRs. I can see that overall his behaviour is confusing and is making you feel insecure, but I wouldn't necessarily assume that he wants sex but just not with you. There is something going on but it's about him, not you. His libido or lack of, and the orgasm faking is the strangest part that I'd have to pick him up on and not be dismissed. I'd need to know if it was a physical issue he was having or if there is some other way he's managing to orgasm beyond PIV or whatever. Next time that happens, could you try again to talk about it, sensitively but without him fobbing you off? Your feelings and self-esteem are as important as whatever issues he's reticent to deal with.

Original poster
ASomewhatStrangeSituation · 24/12/2023 12:19

I feel that the once a fortnight thing is driven by him.

Maybe once a fortnight is when he wants to have sex so it happens. Or maybe he feels that he's put it off for long enough amd should have sex with me. I don't know.

I haven't said anything to him about faking it specifically. I felt so awful, I don't know what to say. I just don't initiate anymore.

I've brought up with him a couple of times that I don't feel he is attracted to me. He's very reassuring and we had sex afterwards but my heart wasn't really in it. I felt inhbited and insecure and not really reassured at all tbh with you.

I think I'd rather he just admitted that he loves me but doesn't fancy me. He was a bit tipsy last weekend and told me all the things he loves about me. Which was lovely but there was still nothing to suggest he is physically attracted to me.

He's very tactile and initiates most of the hugging, cuddles etc but doesn't want sex.

OP posts:
Original poster
ASomewhatStrangeSituation · 24/12/2023 12:20

There is something going on but it's about him, not you

This would be true if he just doesn't fancy me anymore too. It wouldn't be what I wanted in a relationship though.

OP posts:
Mischance · 24/12/2023 12:25

When you know he has an erection then initiate further activity. If he says he does not want this, then ask why. At the moment you are making lots assumptions and only he can tell you the reality for him.

Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk · 24/12/2023 12:25

It maybe that he naturally has a low sex drive. Or that he is addicted to porn and prefers that. Or there is someone else etc...

All this doesn't matter. All that matters is that this relationship is not working for you. You are becoming sad and your confidence has taken a knock. He doesn't seem to bothered that this has happened.

So the ball is in your court.

Original poster
ASomewhatStrangeSituation · 24/12/2023 12:27

Mischance · 24/12/2023 12:25

When you know he has an erection then initiate further activity. If he says he does not want this, then ask why. At the moment you are making lots assumptions and only he can tell you the reality for him.

I have done. Sometimes he very gently and kindly pushes me away. A couple of times, he's gone along with it and faked an orgasm.

I feel I'm crossing boundaries now so I just pretend I haven't noticed which feels the most respectful thing to do if he's clearly trying to hide it from me.

OP posts:
FloweryName · 24/12/2023 12:28

Has anything changed with your contraception or anything like that? Does he feel like you want a pregnancy when he doesn’t or something like that?

Hottenan · 24/12/2023 12:31

Are you perhaps overthinking this a bit? He wants sex with you by the sounds of it but just not as much as you want. It is a bit odd that he is getting erect then not wanting to do anything with that but it doesn’t sound to me like he doesn’t find you attractive.

Catoo · 24/12/2023 12:36

The only way you will get to work out what’s going on here is to sit him down specifically to discuss this. Don’t let him fob you off. Make it clear you need honest answers. Tell him what you’ve told us. Be prepared that you might not like the answers and it could change everything. But you also might find out there’s an issue with him and it’s not because he isn’t attracted to you.

💐

Original poster
ASomewhatStrangeSituation · 24/12/2023 12:36

FloweryName · 24/12/2023 12:28

Has anything changed with your contraception or anything like that? Does he feel like you want a pregnancy when he doesn’t or something like that?

No. He had a vasectomy years ago before we got together. Children are not on the cards and neither of us would want them to be.

There haven't been any significant changes in our lives. He has no work stress at all; family is healthy; neither of us have gained/lost sigficant weight. Things are very constant. We've only been together for around 2 and a half years and otherwise things are good.

But this is impacting on my confidence and how I feel about myself.

OP posts:
Catoo · 24/12/2023 12:39

By ‘tell him what you’ve told us’ I don’t mean tell him you’ve made this post. I mean be clear about all the things that are bothering you!
💐

Original poster
ASomewhatStrangeSituation · 24/12/2023 12:39

Catoo · 24/12/2023 12:36

The only way you will get to work out what’s going on here is to sit him down specifically to discuss this. Don’t let him fob you off. Make it clear you need honest answers. Tell him what you’ve told us. Be prepared that you might not like the answers and it could change everything. But you also might find out there’s an issue with him and it’s not because he isn’t attracted to you.

💐

Tbh, at the moment, there isn't any answer I wouldn't want to hear.

Anything that explained it would be at least something. The problem is that I've tried a few times and I'm not getting anything from him.

It's easy to say don't let him fob you off but, short of getting Jack Bauer on the case, i can't make him talk if he doesnt want to.

OP posts:
Original poster
ASomewhatStrangeSituation · 24/12/2023 12:40

Catoo · 24/12/2023 12:39

By ‘tell him what you’ve told us’ I don’t mean tell him you’ve made this post. I mean be clear about all the things that are bothering you!
💐

I understood what you meant and I have done.

He just says he does find me attractive but he doesn't have an answer for the other stuff. He denies faking it and he denies hiding erections. Which sounds like such an odd thing to say!

OP posts:
Original poster
ASomewhatStrangeSituation · 24/12/2023 12:42

Hottenan · 24/12/2023 12:31

Are you perhaps overthinking this a bit? He wants sex with you by the sounds of it but just not as much as you want. It is a bit odd that he is getting erect then not wanting to do anything with that but it doesn’t sound to me like he doesn’t find you attractive.

Does he want sex with me? Or does he just want sex and I'm there?

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 24/12/2023 12:45

Have a conversation! My oh and I haven't had sex for three years, neither if us are bothered. There's other ways to scratch the itch. You are bothered so you need to talk about it.

Original poster
ASomewhatStrangeSituation · 24/12/2023 12:46

It is a bit odd that he is getting erect then not wanting to do anything with that

It is odd.

Which is why I've just concluded that he doesn't want sex with me.

Not even having an erection is enough for him to want sex with me. I feel he must be running through things in his head and he gets to the point that he is reminded of why he doesn't want sex with me and then pulls away.

Like he feels horny but then remembers it's me he's with and he's no longer interested.

To the point of hiding his erections.

OP posts:
Original poster
ASomewhatStrangeSituation · 24/12/2023 12:51

Doggymummar · 24/12/2023 12:45

Have a conversation! My oh and I haven't had sex for three years, neither if us are bothered. There's other ways to scratch the itch. You are bothered so you need to talk about it.

I've tried. He won't discuss it. He doesn't acknowledge an issue but refuse to discuss it, he just denies any of it is happening.

He did tell me once, when we first got together, that he had experienced occasional ED previously.

That hasn't been an issue. It's the opposite. He will get erections a few times a week when we are in bed together but hides them.

OP posts:
LusaBatoosa · 24/12/2023 12:52

Can I ask what you’ve said to him/asked him? Have you just asked if he still finds you attractive or have stated that all of the behaviours listed in the OP are new and making you feel shit about yourself? As those are two different conversations.

And when you say he refuses to talk about it, what does that look like? Is he walking away or is he just stating there’s no problem and you’re then not pressing the issue?

TR888 · 24/12/2023 12:53

I think if you have that gut feeling, you're unfortunately probably right. Did you use to have a more genuine sex life early in the relationship? If you never had it, then that suggests some sexual disfunction in him. If you did, it could be what happens with many LTR - overfamiliarity can lead to loss of desire for some people.

In any case, I don't think the question here should be "why" as you're unlikely to get a straight answer. The question should be "what now?".

Things are unfortunately unlikely to change; in anything, they will dwindle to zero sex. You need to decide if that's something you want for you. If not, your two other options are leaving or opening up your relationship.

I'm very sorry you're going through this, btw. It's awful - I speak from experience.

Original poster
ASomewhatStrangeSituation · 24/12/2023 12:53

I don't really want to have any sort of sex to scratch an itch. I was married to someone once where the sex was like that. Neither of us fancied the other and we both knew and accepted that but, occasionally, sex stil happened.

Eventually, it damaged both of our self esteem.

It cold and empty and soulless and I'd rather never have sex again of any description than have purely functional sex.

OP posts:
HappyintheHills · 24/12/2023 13:01

Could it be that he's starting to suffer with age related problems with maintaining an erection through to ejaculation? And he's regulating sex because he's then able to?

RuffledKestrel · 24/12/2023 13:04

My ex was more or less exactly like this. Started about 18months into the relationship, ~8 months after we had moved in together. Eventually it dwindled to 0 sex or intimacy for about 5 years because I stopped initiating as I felt like you, like he didn't want it and I felt worthless.

Looking back at his and our relationships, I suspect he has only ever felt like sex during the "chase" of a relationship. After that point he'd hide and didn't want it for whatever reason. He'd never tell me why other than "it's not you it's me".

Personally if I were you, if he won't talk about it truthfully or do something about it I'd leave. I wouldn't put myself through years of that situation again.

Catoo · 24/12/2023 13:05

Maybe this is linked to his ED. Maybe the fake orgasms because he knows he is losing his erection. Maybe he can tell when he is going to lose it before he does and so doesn’t want to initiate anything.

When you next discuss with him (and you will have to or it will carry on as it is) maybe ask the question. Is this related to ED issues? Can you tell you will lose it?

My DP will wriggle out of all sorts until I give him almost multiple choice style answers. Like, ‘did you do this because of this, or because of that, or that?’. And if none of them apply, he’ll feel compelled to tell me what the actual answer is.

I hope you get it sorted out with another conversation. Otherwise you’re just guessing and maybe getting it wrong.
💐

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