Page 2 | My partner doesn't want to have sex with me.

ASomewhatStrangeSituation · 2023-12-24T11:37:37+00:00

My partner doesn't want to have sex with me. There's no massive back story or drip feed. We have sex around once a fortnight. I just don't think he wants to have sex with me anymore. We are physically close and tactile and cuddle up in bed every night. Sometimes he stuffs the duvet between us when he spoons me. I can't tell whether this is because he doesn't want me to feel his erection or because he doesn't want skin to skin contact with me. Sometimes, he'll pull away from a cuddle saying he needs the loo but will then wait for a few minutes to let an erection subside before going. But he doesn't want sex with me. I used to initiate quite often but I don't anymore because he generally either isn't interested or is but then fakes an orgasm to get it over with. The only time we have sex to completion is when he has initiated it. It's made me feel really unattractive tbh. I feel like the erections he has when close to me are something he doesn't want but are an automatic reaction to being close to a naked body. Or maybe he's thinking about lying there with someone else so he has an etection but doesn't want sex with me? Maybe he just doesn't fancy me or find me sexually attractive? It's meant that I'm less comfortable and feel awkward during the sex we do have because I don't feel attractive or desirable. It feels like we have sex to scratch an itch. I don't believe he is attracted to me anymore and that is reflected in my reactions and responses. But that is a response to him pulling away and not what started it. I've tried talking to him about it and he just denies all of it. But I'm not stupid. I'm aware of what's happening.

Bobbotgegrinch · 24/12/2023 13:21

Hey OP,

I wanted to just highlight something that I think women don't understand about men

Erections aren't a reliable indicator of sexual arousal.

Erections can be caused by either mental or physical stimulus (or even absolutely nothing at all, men generally get erections in their sleep just as part of the brains periodic checkups to make sure blood flow is ok)

I can be absolutely dog tired, had a shit week in work, all I want to do is go to sleep. But if I'm cuddling DP then I'm going to get erect. That doesn't mean I suddenly want to have sex, I don't want to do anything with my erection, its just a physical response to a situation.

A couple of years ago I had food poisoning. Two days of both ends. Believe me, I did not want sex, I did not want to masturbate. Did I still get spontaneous erections, yes.

It happens to women too I believe. To use a deeply horrific example, I've read a couple of posts on here over the years from women who've been raped. They were concerned that even though they hadn't wanted to have sex, that it was happening against their wishes, their bodies had still become aroused and produced lubrication. It made them doubt themselves that they really been raped. Many very wise people on here advised them that physical arousal does not equal mental desire or consent.

Given all of the above, my reading of your situation is that your partner just has a low sex drive. He loves you, he fancies you, he just is happy with sex once a fortnight rather than any more often. He may also be suffering from embarrassment over the fact he struggles to ejaculate with you. If he feels he's letting you down because he can't orgasm , then he's less likely to want to initiate in the first place.

Now plenty of couple break up due to mismatched sex drives, but you're more likely to be able to address the issue and fix it if you identify the correct issue first, and part of that is believing your partner when he says he fancies you.

Original poster

ASomewhatStrangeSituation · 24/12/2023 13:25

Catoo and HappyintheHills

I've considered both of those possibilities but then why not just say?

LusaBatoosa

I've brought up both.

And when you say he refuses to talk about it, what does that look like? Is he walking away or is he just stating there’s no problem and you’re then not pressing the issue?

He listens and reassures me and just denies there is an issue. He says he is attracted to me and denies the other. But then nothing changes.

TR888

It was fine to begin with. It changed quite dramatically in about January of this year.

I brought it up in February when we went away for a weekend. Again probably around May and again in August. It was discussed again a few weeks ago but it's not resolved in any way.

Looking back at his and our relationships, I suspect he has only ever felt like sex during the "chase" of a relationship.

I don't get the impression this is the issue from things that he's said about his marriage and previous LTR.

Things are unfortunately unlikely to change; in anything, they will dwindle to zero sex. You need to decide if that's something you want for you. If not, your two other options are leaving or opening up your relationship

I'm not that fussed about sex. I was in an almost completely sexless relationship for 12 years at one point. It would he nice but I wouldn't want it for the sake of it.

I wouldn't want to open up the relationship.

I just feel sad that everything else is so good and it makes me feel really unattractive, and I don't think I am.

OP posts:

Original poster

ASomewhatStrangeSituation · 24/12/2023 13:29

Bobbotgegrinch · 24/12/2023 13:21

Hey OP,

I wanted to just highlight something that I think women don't understand about men

Erections aren't a reliable indicator of sexual arousal.

Erections can be caused by either mental or physical stimulus (or even absolutely nothing at all, men generally get erections in their sleep just as part of the brains periodic checkups to make sure blood flow is ok)

I can be absolutely dog tired, had a shit week in work, all I want to do is go to sleep. But if I'm cuddling DP then I'm going to get erect. That doesn't mean I suddenly want to have sex, I don't want to do anything with my erection, its just a physical response to a situation.

A couple of years ago I had food poisoning. Two days of both ends. Believe me, I did not want sex, I did not want to masturbate. Did I still get spontaneous erections, yes.

It happens to women too I believe. To use a deeply horrific example, I've read a couple of posts on here over the years from women who've been raped. They were concerned that even though they hadn't wanted to have sex, that it was happening against their wishes, their bodies had still become aroused and produced lubrication. It made them doubt themselves that they really been raped. Many very wise people on here advised them that physical arousal does not equal mental desire or consent.

Given all of the above, my reading of your situation is that your partner just has a low sex drive. He loves you, he fancies you, he just is happy with sex once a fortnight rather than any more often. He may also be suffering from embarrassment over the fact he struggles to ejaculate with you. If he feels he's letting you down because he can't orgasm , then he's less likely to want to initiate in the first place.

Now plenty of couple break up due to mismatched sex drives, but you're more likely to be able to address the issue and fix it if you identify the correct issue first, and part of that is believing your partner when he says he fancies you.

Thanks.

I do understand that about erections.

And I've already said that I feel his are a response to a stimulus. And I do get that you can become aroused or whatever without even wanting to do anything about it!

It's the fact he hides them, avoids me, pushes the duvet in between us. I don't initiate anymore and wait for him to do it so he can't feel pressured.

But l, also, he might just not find me attractive. Or attractive enough.

I don't know. The fact he won't talk about it makes it hard to tell!

OP posts:

HappyintheHills · 24/12/2023 13:30

ASomewhatStrangeSituation · 24/12/2023 13:25

Catoo and HappyintheHills

I've considered both of those possibilities but then why not just say?

LusaBatoosa

I've brought up both.

And when you say he refuses to talk about it, what does that look like? Is he walking away or is he just stating there’s no problem and you’re then not pressing the issue?

He listens and reassures me and just denies there is an issue. He says he is attracted to me and denies the other. But then nothing changes.

TR888

It was fine to begin with. It changed quite dramatically in about January of this year.

I brought it up in February when we went away for a weekend. Again probably around May and again in August. It was discussed again a few weeks ago but it's not resolved in any way.

Looking back at his and our relationships, I suspect he has only ever felt like sex during the "chase" of a relationship.

I don't get the impression this is the issue from things that he's said about his marriage and previous LTR.

Things are unfortunately unlikely to change; in anything, they will dwindle to zero sex. You need to decide if that's something you want for you. If not, your two other options are leaving or opening up your relationship

I'm not that fussed about sex. I was in an almost completely sexless relationship for 12 years at one point. It would he nice but I wouldn't want it for the sake of it.

I wouldn't want to open up the relationship.

I just feel sad that everything else is so good and it makes me feel really unattractive, and I don't think I am.

Because they he would rather ignore the issue than discuss it with partner or doctor?
Wouldn't be the first.

GothConversionTherapy · 24/12/2023 13:38

Bobbotgegrinch · 24/12/2023 13:21

Hey OP,

I wanted to just highlight something that I think women don't understand about men

Erections aren't a reliable indicator of sexual arousal.

Erections can be caused by either mental or physical stimulus (or even absolutely nothing at all, men generally get erections in their sleep just as part of the brains periodic checkups to make sure blood flow is ok)

I can be absolutely dog tired, had a shit week in work, all I want to do is go to sleep. But if I'm cuddling DP then I'm going to get erect. That doesn't mean I suddenly want to have sex, I don't want to do anything with my erection, its just a physical response to a situation.

A couple of years ago I had food poisoning. Two days of both ends. Believe me, I did not want sex, I did not want to masturbate. Did I still get spontaneous erections, yes.

It happens to women too I believe. To use a deeply horrific example, I've read a couple of posts on here over the years from women who've been raped. They were concerned that even though they hadn't wanted to have sex, that it was happening against their wishes, their bodies had still become aroused and produced lubrication. It made them doubt themselves that they really been raped. Many very wise people on here advised them that physical arousal does not equal mental desire or consent.

Given all of the above, my reading of your situation is that your partner just has a low sex drive. He loves you, he fancies you, he just is happy with sex once a fortnight rather than any more often. He may also be suffering from embarrassment over the fact he struggles to ejaculate with you. If he feels he's letting you down because he can't orgasm , then he's less likely to want to initiate in the first place.

Now plenty of couple break up due to mismatched sex drives, but you're more likely to be able to address the issue and fix it if you identify the correct issue first, and part of that is believing your partner when he says he fancies you.

You are wrong. Women lubricating during rape is an evolutionary response to being raped throughout millennia because more lubricant equals less vaginal damage which means less risk of infection and death. Do not equate that to men getting a few random boners.

caringcarer · 24/12/2023 13:38

If you've only been together 2 years and he has this issue now, this is when he should be all over you, no wonder it zaps your confidence. I'd tell him you aren't happy and his behaviour is making you feel unattractive and unloved and if he won't seek help you can't go on like this. Be careful OP or you will find yourself trapped into a sexless relationship and then your self esteem will be on the floor. Urge him to go to get medical help.

ginasevern · 24/12/2023 13:41

OP, you really have got to sit down and talk about this. If you ignore it or dance around his male ego, things will stay the same or get even worse.

pavementmutation · 24/12/2023 13:43

but then why not just say?

Embarrassment, shame, denial, fear, pride... I can think of lots of reasons someone couldn't bring themselves to say that out loud.

Guiltypleasures001 · 24/12/2023 13:48

Gay?

Bobbotgegrinch · 24/12/2023 13:50

ASomewhatStrangeSituation · 24/12/2023 13:29

Thanks.

I do understand that about erections.

And I've already said that I feel his are a response to a stimulus. And I do get that you can become aroused or whatever without even wanting to do anything about it!

It's the fact he hides them, avoids me, pushes the duvet in between us. I don't initiate anymore and wait for him to do it so he can't feel pressured.

But l, also, he might just not find me attractive. Or attractive enough.

I don't know. The fact he won't talk about it makes it hard to tell!

Show quote history

He's likely hiding them because he's worried you'll see them as a sign that he wants sex, and he's trying not to get your hopes up.

I understand the rejection you feel, my DP is also a once a fortnight person, (well more accurately, a few times a week, one week a month person). I used to feel rejected because I always had to initiate and get knocked back, I used to feel like she didn't fancy me. It took me a good few years to realise it wasn't me she didn't fancy, it was sex itself.

One of the acts of affection DP really enjoys is being cuddled from behind and me playing with her boobs (sorry if TMI). This isn't a sex thing, she just likes the feeling, and I'm happy to oblige because, well, boobs.

When we started having issues about a year in (first year was a bit of a honeymoon period and then her sex drive dropped to normal), she stopped the boob fondling. I saw that as another sign that she didn't fancy me, whereas she saw it as unfair to me that she got to enjoy that while "denying" me sex. It took us a good while and a lot of conversations to work it all out.

I think something similar is happening with you and your DP. You both think you're doing what's best and it's causing issues. You need to talk about properly, and that means both being open with each other, and then actually believing each others answers.

Bobbotgegrinch · 24/12/2023 13:58

GothConversionTherapy · 24/12/2023 13:38

You are wrong. Women lubricating during rape is an evolutionary response to being raped throughout millennia because more lubricant equals less vaginal damage which means less risk of infection and death. Do not equate that to men getting a few random boners.

Show quote history

That's my point though. Its an evolutionary response to a physical stimulus in both cases.

I wasn't for a second trying to compare the situations themselves, they're obviously completely incomparable. And I'm sorry that I've offended you. I'll butt out now so as not to disrupt OPs thread further.

Watchkeys · 24/12/2023 14:53

2 things OP. Firstly, if he's not willing to talk about something that's bothering you within the relationship, then the sex issue is a symptom, rather than the problem itself. Your problem is a more general one of him prioritising his feelings over yours, and over the welfare of the relationship.

Secondly, his opinion of you, and his decision not to have sex with you, is not a judgement of how attractive you are. It's one person's opinion. Nothing more. His opinion is his business.

CommonSenze · 24/12/2023 15:26

First of all sorry you’re going through this and agree honest taking by you and partner is the only way forward

I’m wondering, whether rather than ED he is struggling with difficulty achieving orgasm. Is he on any medication that might cause this? SSRI antidepressants being the most likely - even in a very low dose. It would explain the “fake” orgasms. The rest of the behaviour may just be embarrassment and performance anxiety.

I’m speaking from personal experience.

Ssmiler · 24/12/2023 17:11

CommonSenze · 24/12/2023 15:26

First of all sorry you’re going through this and agree honest taking by you and partner is the only way forward

I’m wondering, whether rather than ED he is struggling with difficulty achieving orgasm. Is he on any medication that might cause this? SSRI antidepressants being the most likely - even in a very low dose. It would explain the “fake” orgasms. The rest of the behaviour may just be embarrassment and performance anxiety.

I’m speaking from personal experience.

This is what I was going to ask- do you know if he’s on SSRI medication?
Also when you said he had a vasectomy years ago I wondered what age he is - given the reference to previous ED issues it could be performance anxiety due to changes he has noticed with ageing.

TR888 · 24/12/2023 17:34

"I'm not that fussed about sex. I was in an almost completely sexless relationship for 12 years at one point. It would he nice but I wouldn't want it for the sake of it."

Dear lovely OP, may I suggest that you have very low standards? It's completely normal to want a healthy sex life. You shouldn't contemplate a sexless / sad sex life (especially when you don't have children!) just because you had it so rubbish with someone else.

It's very dangerous to let life slide like that.

Original poster

ASomewhatStrangeSituation · 24/12/2023 18:12

TR888

I think I've just started to think that maybe I'm asking too much.

I mean, I think I'm reasonably attractive but that doesn't mean anyone else has to 🤷🏻‍♀️

I can't expect someone to want to have sex with me after all.

OP posts:

Original poster

ASomewhatStrangeSituation · 24/12/2023 18:25

CommonSenze · 24/12/2023 15:26

First of all sorry you’re going through this and agree honest taking by you and partner is the only way forward

I’m wondering, whether rather than ED he is struggling with difficulty achieving orgasm. Is he on any medication that might cause this? SSRI antidepressants being the most likely - even in a very low dose. It would explain the “fake” orgasms. The rest of the behaviour may just be embarrassment and performance anxiety.

I’m speaking from personal experience.

Nope. No SSRIs. No medication that he hasn't been on the whole time we've been together and neither ED nor delayed orgasm are side effects.

OP posts:

Original poster

ASomewhatStrangeSituation · 24/12/2023 18:26

Watchkeys · 24/12/2023 14:53

2 things OP. Firstly, if he's not willing to talk about something that's bothering you within the relationship, then the sex issue is a symptom, rather than the problem itself. Your problem is a more general one of him prioritising his feelings over yours, and over the welfare of the relationship.

Secondly, his opinion of you, and his decision not to have sex with you, is not a judgement of how attractive you are. It's one person's opinion. Nothing more. His opinion is his business.

You're right, of course.

And his opinion is his business but I'd like him to he honest with me about it given it includes/involves/impacts on me.

OP posts:

Original poster

ASomewhatStrangeSituation · 24/12/2023 18:28

He's likely hiding them because he's worried you'll see them as a sign that he wants sex, and he's trying not to get your hopes up.

I've thought that myself tbh.

OP posts:

Original poster

ASomewhatStrangeSituation · 24/12/2023 18:28

Guiltypleasures001 · 24/12/2023 13:48

Gay?

I can't imagine it is this.

OP posts:

Wednesday6 · 24/12/2023 18:29

I think something else is at play.. depression, affair, maybe waiting for test results back from it...

Original poster

ASomewhatStrangeSituation · 24/12/2023 18:37

Wednesday6 · 24/12/2023 18:29

I think something else is at play.. depression, affair, maybe waiting for test results back from it...

It's been going on since January...

Of course, I could be wrong I don't sense an affair for many reasons. I don't think there's anyone else. I just don't think he is attracted to me.

Definitely not depressed.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 24/12/2023 18:39

What does he say when you talk to him about it?

I know that’s a really passive aggressive way of saying: have you talked to him about it?

Original poster

ASomewhatStrangeSituation · 24/12/2023 18:48

BitOutOfPractice · 24/12/2023 18:39

What does he say when you talk to him about it?

I know that’s a really passive aggressive way of saying: have you talked to him about it?

Nothing really. Just reassures me I'm attractive but it's often hyperbole - you're the most beautiful woman I've ever met; I can't believe my fucking luck. That sort of thing..

And then just denies there's an issue. He doesn't really give any sort of reason really. Just denies it. I don't stuff the duvet between us; I don't hide erections. That sort of thing.

If you could see us, you wouldn't doubt that he loves me, but I don't believe he is attracted to me.

It's getting to the point where going out makes me sad because I find myself looking at other women and wondering if he'd find them more attractive.

It's hard because I do think he was attracted to me initially and probably did think some of the things he says now. But his words and actions are incongruous now. And he often only says nice things to me when he's a bit tipsy or I bring this up. I just don't live up to his (or most men's) expectations.

OP posts:

Newbutoldfather · 24/12/2023 18:55

Umm, I hate to say this but I am thinking affair here.

He is clearly easily getting aroused but doesn’t want sex. Is he saving it for someone else?

And the sudden change in January would correspond with him meeting someone or starting a physical affair then.

I could be completely wrong but it should at least be considered.