My partner doesn't want to have sex with me.

[ASomewhatStrangeSituation]

My partner doesn't want to have sex with me.

There's no massive back story or drip feed.

We have sex around once a fortnight.

I just don't think he wants to have sex with me anymore.

We are physically close and tactile and cuddle up in bed every night. Sometimes he stuffs the duvet between us when he spoons me. I can't tell whether this is because he doesn't want me to feel his erection or because he doesn't want skin to skin contact with me. Sometimes, he'll pull away from a cuddle saying he needs the loo but will then wait for a few minutes to let an erection subside before going.

But he doesn't want sex with me.

I used to initiate quite often but I don't anymore because he generally either isn't interested or is but then fakes an orgasm to get it over with. The only time we have sex to completion is when he has initiated it.

It's made me feel really unattractive tbh. I feel like the erections he has when close to me are something he doesn't want but are an automatic reaction to being close to a naked body. Or maybe he's thinking about lying there with someone else so he has an etection but doesn't want sex with me? Maybe he just doesn't fancy me or find me sexually attractive?

It's meant that I'm less comfortable and feel awkward during the sex we do have because I don't feel attractive or desirable. It feels like we have sex to scratch an itch. I don't believe he is attracted to me anymore and that is reflected in my reactions and responses. But that is a response to him pulling away and not what started it.

I've tried talking to him about it and he just denies all of it. But I'm not stupid. I'm aware of what's happening.

For various reasons, I don't think it's an affair. I'm not stupid enough to rule it out completely but there are specific reasons why I'd be pretty confident he wasn't cheating on me - stuff I know about him historically that would make it very unlikely. I know that sounds naive but I've met his ex wife and friends he's had since school and it would be very out of character by all accounts.

I wouldn't feel so confident about him not crossing boundaries online but I don't have anything to specifically suggest he is either - i know his passcode to his phone, he doesn’t guard it, he gives it to me to find music etc. He's in the shower now and it's on the sofa next to me. So he either has nothing to hide, trusts me not to look or he's very confident I wouldn't be able to find anything if I did.

I'd be more likely to believe it was virtual cheating than physical.

But he definitely isn't interested in me sexually anymore.

I think it's more likely to be that I'm not sexually attractive to him anymore than that there's someone else.

Honestly - if I were you I would leave the relationship before my self confidence dropped to rock bottom.

Believe me, I've thought abut it and been close to doing so a few times.

I find it hard because in every other way it's perfect. He's the only man who has ever accepted me for who I am quirks and all.

I'm not young.

I know a relationship isn't the be all and end all but it was just so lovely to meet someone I felt I could be myself with. Sex feels like such a small price to pay but the impact its having on my self esteem is a huge price to pay.

Clearly, the advice is to talk to him. I have done and it hasn't worked.

Giving up the rest of it for sex feels huge. I'm on the cusp of menopause and may not want it myself in a couple of years time anyway...

But it's not about actual sex. It's the fact I don't feel desirable and I don't even feel desirable when we do have sex. Afterwards, I just feel cold and empty.

It just feels like a bit of an elephant in the room now. It's present in my mind all the time. I don't think he even gives it any thought.

You've been together for 2.5 years, and for nearly half of it your sex life has been like this - what was it like before?

Could he have a kink you aren't aware of? Maybe a new thing he's learnt through porn? Therefore vanilla sex is a bit of a chore for him?
Does he finish quickly and feel bad about it?

I think there could be tonnes of reasons if he is still affectionate then you haven't given him the ick and he clearly loves you and has satisfying sex every two weeks x

But this is impacting on my confidence and how I feel about myself.

Then you need to act. Waiting for the person who benefits from the status quo to change it, is futile. Your emotional well being is important.

Whatever the reasons behind the change in your sexual relationship, you need to make it clear that it is a problem for you and his reassurances’ aren’t reassuring but have the opposite effect.

Do not sacrifice your sense of self on the altar of your relationship.