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Original poster

Please help

53 replies

Builderbob1 · 22/12/2023 23:05

Hello,
new here and looking for some advice.

my new girlfriend got pregnant back in the summer and sadly miscarried. It was a close call and we sat and had a serious conversation about things.

long story short she had a coil fitted and and we agreed we wouldn’t look again at children until we were in a safe secure relationship. (I’m currently going through a divorce).

I’ve been suffering very badly with mental health mainly due to my divorce and the pregnancy and my relationship with the girlfriend is very up and down and all my friends and family are telling me to move on.

however I recently discovered a pregnancy test(one missing from packet) when I asked she said she was just checking and didn’t really know as she’s new to the coil etc.

I’ve been really worried she’s lying and the other day checked her phone and she had a “flo” app saying 9 weeks pregnant!

i haven’t said anything to her yet although over the last weeks (randomly) I’ve been saying how we were so lucky and that if she got pregnant again I wouldn’t cope mentally and that I’m glad I can trust her etc!

I really don’t know what to do should I confront her? I’m saying with her family over Christmas and don’t want to cause a huge scene and ruin everyone’s Christmas.

if she is pregnant then I know I’ll hate her and never want to speak to her again I’m devastated.

OP posts:
OldTinHat · 22/12/2023 23:14

I have no words. None. You'll hate her and never speak to her again if she's pregnant?

You know how babies are conceived, right?? Your penis in her vagina and your sperm conceived a baby??

If you didn't bother with a condom or, maybe, not have sex, then a baby would not be on the horizon.

Shame on you.

adammylove · 22/12/2023 23:18

OldTinHat · 22/12/2023 23:14

I have no words. None. You'll hate her and never speak to her again if she's pregnant?

You know how babies are conceived, right?? Your penis in her vagina and your sperm conceived a baby??

If you didn't bother with a condom or, maybe, not have sex, then a baby would not be on the horizon.

Shame on you.

She said she had a coil?

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/12/2023 23:19

Have you heard of condoms? They’re cheap, sometimes free, always a good idea when you’re in a casual relationship and still legally married to someone else.

You should tell her you’ve seen the test and snooped on her phone and would like to know if she’s pregnant and if you’re the father. Plan Christmas accordingly.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/12/2023 23:21

adammylove · 22/12/2023 23:18

She said she had a coil?

Show quote history

That covers her side. If she’s actually got one. He says it’s not a stable relationship and he obviously doesn’t trust her.

adammylove · 22/12/2023 23:21

Builderbob1 · 22/12/2023 23:05

Hello,
new here and looking for some advice.

my new girlfriend got pregnant back in the summer and sadly miscarried. It was a close call and we sat and had a serious conversation about things.

long story short she had a coil fitted and and we agreed we wouldn’t look again at children until we were in a safe secure relationship. (I’m currently going through a divorce).

I’ve been suffering very badly with mental health mainly due to my divorce and the pregnancy and my relationship with the girlfriend is very up and down and all my friends and family are telling me to move on.

however I recently discovered a pregnancy test(one missing from packet) when I asked she said she was just checking and didn’t really know as she’s new to the coil etc.

I’ve been really worried she’s lying and the other day checked her phone and she had a “flo” app saying 9 weeks pregnant!

i haven’t said anything to her yet although over the last weeks (randomly) I’ve been saying how we were so lucky and that if she got pregnant again I wouldn’t cope mentally and that I’m glad I can trust her etc!

I really don’t know what to do should I confront her? I’m saying with her family over Christmas and don’t want to cause a huge scene and ruin everyone’s Christmas.

if she is pregnant then I know I’ll hate her and never want to speak to her again I’m devastated.

Hi, sounds like it could be a good idea to talk to her sooner, rather than later, and definitely not at the Xmas gathering! Do you think she did not have a coil fitted? Or could there be a possibility that she is too struggling with the loss of the pregnancy and is pondering on what could have been? Just because the app says she is pregnant doesn't mean she is? She might want to be though?

adammylove · 22/12/2023 23:26

adammylove · 22/12/2023 23:21

Hi, sounds like it could be a good idea to talk to her sooner, rather than later, and definitely not at the Xmas gathering! Do you think she did not have a coil fitted? Or could there be a possibility that she is too struggling with the loss of the pregnancy and is pondering on what could have been? Just because the app says she is pregnant doesn't mean she is? She might want to be though?

Show quote history

Oh just to add, be careful to to not jump to conclusions, because if she had the coil fitted, her periods will most likely be all over the place, and if she thinks she is late, maybe that's why she did the test, also, entering the date of your last period in a pregnancy app can also then suggest how many weeks pregnant you are, perhaps this is what she did to track her cycle. Good luck.

Ofcourseshecan · 22/12/2023 23:28

I hope this is a false alarm. From now on, you should take more responsibility for preventing pregnancy. Don’t rely on the coil alone. You must also use a condom every time. Barrier methods are not 100% reliable. Also, you don’t fully trust her.

OldTinHat · 22/12/2023 23:28

If OP doesn't want a baby, he should be sorting out birth control. All the PPs saying but did she actually have a coil - bollocks. If he doesn't want a child, he either doesn't have sex or he wears a condom.

2chocolateoranges · 22/12/2023 23:30

That’s a disgusting thing to say about someone you’re supposed to love.

it takes 2 people to make a baby, maybe you should have thought about contraception too, instead of expecting her to deal with that. No contraception is 100%.

Dery · 22/12/2023 23:34

Wow, OP. Such entitlement. If you’re 100% opposed to another pregnancy, then put a condom on. No contraception is foolproof but doubling up on contraception methods should rule out an unexpected pregnancy. If you’re in a newish relationship, you should be using them anyway.

Pumpkinpie1 · 23/12/2023 00:12

OP why aren’t you using condoms?
If you don’t want kids you need to join the 21st century and be responsible

Original poster
Builderbob1 · 23/12/2023 02:01

I guess the direction I’m coming from is she doesn’t have the best history of honesty and I think she may have lied about the coil being fitted.

not sure why I should be using condoms if we have had an adult conversation and agreed a method of contraception?

she’s knows my feeling on pregnancy and if she has lied then it’s a deliberate attempt to deceive me and I can’t live with that.

OP posts:
adammylove · 23/12/2023 02:12

Builderbob1 · 23/12/2023 02:01

I guess the direction I’m coming from is she doesn’t have the best history of honesty and I think she may have lied about the coil being fitted.

not sure why I should be using condoms if we have had an adult conversation and agreed a method of contraception?

she’s knows my feeling on pregnancy and if she has lied then it’s a deliberate attempt to deceive me and I can’t live with that.

I honestly thought I had read your post wrong, because of all of the other negative responses... that is how I understood it, if you both have agreed that's your contraception method, then that's the method? I have an arm implant, I wouldn't expect my boyfriend to then also use a condom, the implant is so we don't have to use a condom. Again, I would suggest talking it out with her and hopefully it's a misunderstanding because the Flo app is a period tracker too, she might just be curious in thinking if she hasn't had a period what could the pregnancy look like if there was one. She could be on edge and think she is pregnant. Or she could have lied about the coil to get pregnant again, this kind of thing is quite common unfortunately.

Dotcheck · 23/12/2023 02:16

OP, what are you doing?

You’re in the middle of a divorce, your mental health is poor, and you clearly don’t trust your girlfriend.

Just let her go, and spend some time sorting yourself out. Why on earth did you think it was a good idea to get into a relationship?

Aquamarine1029 · 23/12/2023 02:16

Stop fucking if you absolutely don't want kids because every type of birth control can fail.

You sound like you're 13 years old. It's time to grow up.

randomuser2020 · 23/12/2023 02:18

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

SequentialAnalyst · 23/12/2023 02:20

In a casual relationship, I thought these days condoms were supposed to be used anyway, for safe sex ie avoiding infections? Wasn't this the case a few years ago?

(Am old, so past all that. I feel obliged to admit that "safe sex" ie condoms as well as other protection was not a thing in my young day. In the 1970s I was on the pill, and scrupulously careful to use condoms for the rest of the cycle if I missed a pill one day, but it seems that somehow I must have picked up Clymidia (sp) without realising it. - found out much later, as no syptoms, but did have problems conceiving after I married some years later.)

Original poster
Builderbob1 · 23/12/2023 02:35

I wouldn’t say it’s a “casual” relationship we’ve been dated exclusively for over a year.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 23/12/2023 02:38

Well you need to ask her, and admit you’ve seen the app. You have no other option. You have to do it as soon as possible.

Gravelshoveling · 23/12/2023 02:48

So you’ve “ had the conversation” about birth control and agreed she gets a coil fitted.

However, you admit you don’t trust her as she “ doesn’t have the best history of honesty”

Therefore, you need to take responsibility and do your share of birth control by wearing a condom…. surely ??

Original poster
Builderbob1 · 23/12/2023 02:55

Gravelshoveling · 23/12/2023 02:48

So you’ve “ had the conversation” about birth control and agreed she gets a coil fitted.

However, you admit you don’t trust her as she “ doesn’t have the best history of honesty”

Therefore, you need to take responsibility and do your share of birth control by wearing a condom…. surely ??

Yes but obviously I potentially screwed that up. Like I said my mental health isn’t great and I’m a very trusting person.
i guess I’m going to have to ruin Christmas and get this out in the open, I can’t even leave and go home as I’m the abroad.
Hopefully a misunderstanding but doesn’t look that way to me. I’m pretty certain she’s lying , maybe in front of her family she will come clean? 🤷🏻‍♂️

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 23/12/2023 02:58

If I was a dude I'd NEVER skip the condom. Ever. Unless we were actively trying for a baby.

As a woman I'd never have sex without one either. Even whilst on other birth control. Coils are not foolproof. My flatmate got pregnant on one. Doctor said it seemed to be fitted correctly too so they had no idea how it happened.

Sex is always a risk. But the best thing you can do to make sure there are no babies, is to use contraception every.single.time. Contraception that YOU are responsible for. That you've stored correctly and that your partner has had no access to. Especially if it's a newish relationship.

And if you never want kids, go a step further and get the snip.

sleepdeprivedma · 23/12/2023 03:03

The problem is the I'll hate her if she's pregnant no contraception Is 100% takes 2 to tango you made your bed lie in it if she is pregnant step up and be there for her and your unborn child

Original poster
Builderbob1 · 23/12/2023 03:08

sleepdeprivedma · 23/12/2023 03:03

The problem is the I'll hate her if she's pregnant no contraception Is 100% takes 2 to tango you made your bed lie in it if she is pregnant step up and be there for her and your unborn child

Well yes clearly I’ll do that but I’m saying I will never be able to trust if have a relationship with her. She knows what we both went through this year already and knows how I feel about things. I’m currently under psychiatric care and off work for stress, im in a pretty bad place and she knows it so to do this is pretty much pushing me off a cliff.

OP posts:
roseheartfly · 23/12/2023 03:15

You don't trust her and if she's trying to get pregnant she has deceived you. Yes you agreed the coil but equally you are both in it together.

The problem is here is that if she is pregnant then there is a child who will be in the middle of a very awful situation that they didn't ask for.

You need to find out for sure if she's pregnant. Come clean and tell her you've snooped.

It seems to me that pregnant or not this is not a happy or trusting relationship. Perhaps move on either way? And if you have a child, step up for the child.