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Original poster

Please help

53 replies

Builderbob1 · 22/12/2023 23:05

Hello,
new here and looking for some advice.

my new girlfriend got pregnant back in the summer and sadly miscarried. It was a close call and we sat and had a serious conversation about things.

long story short she had a coil fitted and and we agreed we wouldn’t look again at children until we were in a safe secure relationship. (I’m currently going through a divorce).

I’ve been suffering very badly with mental health mainly due to my divorce and the pregnancy and my relationship with the girlfriend is very up and down and all my friends and family are telling me to move on.

however I recently discovered a pregnancy test(one missing from packet) when I asked she said she was just checking and didn’t really know as she’s new to the coil etc.

I’ve been really worried she’s lying and the other day checked her phone and she had a “flo” app saying 9 weeks pregnant!

i haven’t said anything to her yet although over the last weeks (randomly) I’ve been saying how we were so lucky and that if she got pregnant again I wouldn’t cope mentally and that I’m glad I can trust her etc!

I really don’t know what to do should I confront her? I’m saying with her family over Christmas and don’t want to cause a huge scene and ruin everyone’s Christmas.

if she is pregnant then I know I’ll hate her and never want to speak to her again I’m devastated.

OP posts:
Whydosomanywomensleepwithsuchlosers · 23/12/2023 03:28

Gosh, don't you sound like a catch. Definitely the kind of man worth trapping in a relationship with a baby.

Just break up with her OP. If you're thinking these things, and considering humiliating her in front of family, you clearly can't stand her and would be doing her a favour. If you end up having to pay child support, at least you got some condom-less sex out of it, right? Sigh.

Gravelshoveling · 23/12/2023 03:43

“maybe in front of her family she will come clean? “

This is between you and her. What does her family have to do with it ?

Any attempts to embarrass her will look bad for you.

You talk about screwing up because of your mental health.
Has it occurred to you that she is in a similar place ?

Sorry, you don’t sound like a very nice person and you appear to lack empathy.

I feel sorry for your child if she is pregnant.

Spencer0220 · 23/12/2023 03:49

You ask why you should be wearing a condom?

You should be wearing one because you don't want children.

It shouldn't matter that you had a conversation. You need to protect yourself.

Especially as you don't trust your girlfriend.

Whether you should be in a relationship with her is a different matter.

momonpurpose · 23/12/2023 03:55

OldTinHat · 22/12/2023 23:28

If OP doesn't want a baby, he should be sorting out birth control. All the PPs saying but did she actually have a coil - bollocks. If he doesn't want a child, he either doesn't have sex or he wears a condom.

Exactly.its simply common sense

Dery · 23/12/2023 07:29

“You ask why you should be wearing a condom?

You should be wearing one because you don't want children.

It shouldn't matter that you had a conversation. You need to protect yourself.

Especially as you don't trust your girlfriend.”

This. You sound like you aren’t in a state to be in a relationship or to be having sex.

Namechange4234 · 23/12/2023 07:32

Builderbob1 · 23/12/2023 02:01

I guess the direction I’m coming from is she doesn’t have the best history of honesty and I think she may have lied about the coil being fitted.

not sure why I should be using condoms if we have had an adult conversation and agreed a method of contraception?

she’s knows my feeling on pregnancy and if she has lied then it’s a deliberate attempt to deceive me and I can’t live with that.

I suggest getting your MH and divorce sorted out before launching yourself into another relationship

Be on your own for a while until everything is calmer

category12 · 23/12/2023 07:42

Builderbob1 · 23/12/2023 02:01

I guess the direction I’m coming from is she doesn’t have the best history of honesty and I think she may have lied about the coil being fitted.

not sure why I should be using condoms if we have had an adult conversation and agreed a method of contraception?

she’s knows my feeling on pregnancy and if she has lied then it’s a deliberate attempt to deceive me and I can’t live with that.

Because you're the one who wouldn't cope with a child and it's such a horrifying idea to you that you would hate this woman if she were pregnant.

That is why you ought to be taking responsibility for your own fertility.

It's extraordinary to me that you'd rather get your dick wet than go, "well, I really don’t want a child at this time, so I'm going to make sure it doesn't happen."

Shouldershoulder · 23/12/2023 07:47

So what contraception were you using in the summer when she first got pregnant?

Nonewclothes2024 · 23/12/2023 08:11

Do not confront her in front of her family.
You need condoms so YOU can make sure not to get pregnant.

You can get pregnant with a coil in , condoms would be an extra protection.
It's ridiculous to say you can't leave because you're abroad, you just book a flight.
Just talk to her , in private.

Theinnocenteyeballsinthesky · 23/12/2023 08:17

Dery · 23/12/2023 07:29

“You ask why you should be wearing a condom?

You should be wearing one because you don't want children.

It shouldn't matter that you had a conversation. You need to protect yourself.

Especially as you don't trust your girlfriend.”

This. You sound like you aren’t in a state to be in a relationship or to be having sex.

This

take responsibility for your own contraception OP. You can’t just leave it up to women

category12 · 23/12/2023 08:33

Builderbob1 · 23/12/2023 03:08

Well yes clearly I’ll do that but I’m saying I will never be able to trust if have a relationship with her. She knows what we both went through this year already and knows how I feel about things. I’m currently under psychiatric care and off work for stress, im in a pretty bad place and she knows it so to do this is pretty much pushing me off a cliff.

Show quote history

I'm sorry you're so unwell, but putting the blame on your girlfriend and saying she's "pushing you off a cliff" is not OK.

Ultimately you need to take responsibility for your own mental health, not put it on her.

If you're feeling desperate, speak to your mental health team urgently or the Samaritans.

Shoxfordian · 23/12/2023 08:37

If you don't trust her then why are you even with her? This is on you as much as her so stop trying to shift the blame

Whataretheodds · 23/12/2023 08:42

Only on MN do I hear people in serious relationships doubling up on contraception.

HOWEVER you said yourself that she best history of honesty and I think she may have lied about the coil being fitted so OF COURSE you shouldn't have been having sex without another barrier method.*

As PP asked, what did you think your contraceptive arrangement was when she got pregnant the first time?

Tell her you found the test and ask her outright. Do it very soon while she has options. But for God's sake why do think it would help to do it in front of other people? Do not do that.

Ladymarycrawley1920 · 23/12/2023 08:53

In a relationship of a year, where we had agreed the method of contraception I would not expect a partner to also use condoms. You need to have the conversation with her op, as soon as possible but no, not in front of her family! And yes, if she lied to you about having the coil fitted as a deliberate attempt to get pregnant against your express wishes, and against what you had both agreed, that’s bloody awful, deceitful behaviour. But you don’t know that yet so ask her and see.

category12 · 23/12/2023 09:20

Ladymarycrawley1920 · 23/12/2023 08:53

In a relationship of a year, where we had agreed the method of contraception I would not expect a partner to also use condoms. You need to have the conversation with her op, as soon as possible but no, not in front of her family! And yes, if she lied to you about having the coil fitted as a deliberate attempt to get pregnant against your express wishes, and against what you had both agreed, that’s bloody awful, deceitful behaviour. But you don’t know that yet so ask her and see.

In a situation where the man is desperate not to have a child and feels it's a threat to his mental health, doesn't actually trust his partner, and where they've already had an unplanned pregnancy , I would absolutely expect the man to be using condoms.

perfectcolourfound · 23/12/2023 09:31

You say you can't trust her. Then say you're a very trusting person.

You say you don't believe she's had the coil fitted, yet you didn't think to wear a condom just in case.

You say your MH is in a bad place (by way of explaining why you might have made such a mistake) but seem to have no empathy at all that she may be in the same place. She has suffered a miscarriage. She will be suffering.

No method of contraception is 100% safe. If she becomes pregnant while on the coil, you will HATE her???? Yet it will be equally your 'fault'.

If you don't trust her, leave her. It's as simple as that. Without trust you have no relationship. If she isn't trustworthy, then it's the right thing to do. If however she IS trustworthy and you're just being really unfair, then she'll be much better off without you.

Iwishiwasasilentnight · 23/12/2023 09:34

Dotcheck · 23/12/2023 02:16

OP, what are you doing?

You’re in the middle of a divorce, your mental health is poor, and you clearly don’t trust your girlfriend.

Just let her go, and spend some time sorting yourself out. Why on earth did you think it was a good idea to get into a relationship?

This with bells on! Focus on your children who are probably struggling too and sort your life out. Then when you’re all in a better place you can consider dating again.

BMW6 · 23/12/2023 13:31

FFS

You KNOW that no contraceptive is 100% foolproof don't you.

You don't trust your GF.

A pregnancy would be devastating for your MH at this time.

Yet.........you still put getting sex first, and not wearing a condom (isn't that really because it would spoil YOUR pleasure?)

This is entirely a potential disaster of your own making. I really hope she isn't pregnant, not for your sake but the child's and hers.

Stop having sex.

Nasahoodie · 23/12/2023 13:38

Builderbob1 · 23/12/2023 02:01

I guess the direction I’m coming from is she doesn’t have the best history of honesty and I think she may have lied about the coil being fitted.

not sure why I should be using condoms if we have had an adult conversation and agreed a method of contraception?

she’s knows my feeling on pregnancy and if she has lied then it’s a deliberate attempt to deceive me and I can’t live with that.

In an ideal world, you should have an adult conversation about it and that should be it.

But you've also said you don't trust her and you don't want another child because of the impact it will have on your mental health. So you need to also take some responsibility and don't have unprotected sex.

gotmychristmasmiracle · 23/12/2023 13:44

Think your family could be right to move on and maybe just get divorced and be cool with being single and your own company. And just work on yourself. Sounds like you're in no rush for kids therefore no need for any kind of serious relationship.
Hope you manage to find out what's going on regarding the coil/pregnancy unfortunately no one on here can tell you the truth so just ask her straight out and maybe buy a test for you to do together so you know for sure.

Fredablogs · 23/12/2023 13:53

I have never had a coil but surely you would be able to feel it? How old is she OP? Maybe she lied, maybe she didn't and is just paranoid about falling pregnant, you need to talk

category12 · 23/12/2023 14:12

Fredablogs · 23/12/2023 13:53

I have never had a coil but surely you would be able to feel it? How old is she OP? Maybe she lied, maybe she didn't and is just paranoid about falling pregnant, you need to talk

No. 😂Not usually.

Imagine how successful a contraceptive it would be if the coil jabbed a guy in the dick every time, though.

Prelapsarianhag · 23/12/2023 14:21

You sound like a prince among men. Your plan is to humiliate your gf in front of her family. Don't be surprised when they all turn on you. They will have her back, not yours.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/12/2023 14:26

Ok, you've said you couldn't live with it if she was pregnant and her deliberately conceiving would be like pushing you off a cliff.
If the thought of becoming a parent makes you genuinely feel suicidal you need to talk to her with support around you and if she isn't an it's an old think from the last pregnancy, you need to start wearing condoms or break up.
If she is, you need to seek support. Like it or not, that baby needs you. You don't need to be in a relationship with her to have one with the baby.

Telling her how you'll kill yourself if she's pregnant when you actually think she is is abusive and makes you a massive dick. Your mental health issues are no an excuse for emotionally abusing your gf.

Tell her straight up you panicked when you saw the missing test. You looked on her phone. You saw the app. Is she X weeks pregnant and you'll work it through together.

Do not do it in front of other people unless you're concerned you might hurt her or yourself.

DidiAskYouThough · 23/12/2023 14:27

You take responsibility for your ejaculate. Condom every time, or get a vasectomy. You don’t get to repeatedly impregnate a woman you do not like and do not trust and then blame her for it.

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