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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm the whipping boy in my own home

67 replies

Squeaky2023 · 22/12/2023 18:45

I've posted before about my 20 year old son. He's waged havoc and heartbreak more and more as he's getting older.
He's been arrested twice this summer. All his own fault. The second time it went badly wrong and the police officers in question are being investigated by professional standards. I called them because he was raging at us for blocking him from going out in his car while on some horrible street Valium.
Now, what the police did after that was vastly escalate things and we've all been living with the fall out and trauma ever since. I work for this police force and I would never ever call them again in this situation.
The problem is, my husband expects me to plaster on a smile, accept whatever DS says or does and would rather shout at me than DS.
I was just sitting with everyone when I was told I was being quiet by DS and off with him. DH joined in and I laughed. DS left and DH kept on at me. I told him than I had done nothing wrong, that I was reeling from a tirade from DS from Monday and that I was fine. I just needed to be quiet. He kept on so I told him to leave me the fuck alone.
He followed me and continued to shout and pin everything on me.
I've told him that we have been going on like this for years and I was no longer his wife, but part of a pair of dancing monkeys whose purpose is to appease DS. I've told him I want a divorce. He is basically telling me that I am mad until I don't know which was is up or down.
I am mad? I don't know anymore?
I do react and I was working so hard to just be quiet and for them to leave me alone but they kept on. So I shouted back when he followed me. I've told him I can't live with the amount of turmoil DS brings and he is always trying to get me to put up and shut up.
We had a lovely marriage. It's not a marriage anymore.

OP posts:
MakeItRain · 22/12/2023 18:52

That sounds really difficult and upsetting, but it sounds like you would have a more peaceful life if you did divorce or at least separate for a while. Would you be in a position to do this?

Mitsouko67 · 22/12/2023 18:55

What a nightmare for you in your own home.

I wonder should DS be moving out at this stage given illegal activity.

Original poster
Squeaky2023 · 22/12/2023 19:02

Mitsouko67 · 22/12/2023 18:55

What a nightmare for you in your own home.

I wonder should DS be moving out at this stage given illegal activity.

He should,Mitsouko.
I do still love him (it's never enough and I am accused of hating him) but he is a suicide risk. I'm trapped. I thought my 50's would be so carefree now the kids are older. Poor DS2 is overlooked and just keeps to himself and I don't blame him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Squeaky2023 · 22/12/2023 19:03

MakeItRain · 22/12/2023 18:52

That sounds really difficult and upsetting, but it sounds like you would have a more peaceful life if you did divorce or at least separate for a while. Would you be in a position to do this?

I'm in a position where I am prepared to bankrupt us to escape. I'm not going to come out of this alive. I don't want to live like this.

OP posts:
Eekmystro · 22/12/2023 19:03

There’s a DS2? I’d seriously consider moving out with Ds2 and getting yourself some peace.

Original poster
Squeaky2023 · 22/12/2023 19:48

Eekmystro · 22/12/2023 19:03

There’s a DS2? I’d seriously consider moving out with Ds2 and getting yourself some peace.

Yes. It's bad. I remember us, DS two and running to the car with him in his socks to get him out when DS1 was going mad. DS2 was sobbing and I took him to McDonalds drive through to get him away. This must have been six or seven years ago.

OP posts:
Eekmystro · 22/12/2023 19:51

Squeaky2023 · 22/12/2023 19:48

Yes. It's bad. I remember us, DS two and running to the car with him in his socks to get him out when DS1 was going mad. DS2 was sobbing and I took him to McDonalds drive through to get him away. This must have been six or seven years ago.

Show quote history

Oh dear that sounds awful. Is he violent?

Original poster
Squeaky2023 · 22/12/2023 19:53

No not violent, will punch the walls and shout.

OP posts:
MILTOBE · 22/12/2023 19:53

I think you and your DS2 should move out (I can't see the other two moving out) and get somewhere separate. How old is DS2?

It seems as though your older son is just like his dad. I'd leave them to it.

Eekmystro · 22/12/2023 19:55

Squeaky2023 · 22/12/2023 19:53

No not violent, will punch the walls and shout.

That is violent op, but I know you mean not violent to you.

Do you own your home?

I wonder about calling shelter for housing advice. Get out and give your younger son some calm and you some peace too.

JaneAustensHeroine · 22/12/2023 20:05

Everything you have said points to the fact that you and your DS2 need to leave.

You deserve peace and quiet. You deserve to be safe.

Tinkerbyebye · 23/12/2023 01:46

You and ds 2 need fo leave your your H can deal with ds1

put your other child first

RantyAnty · 23/12/2023 02:18

Don't understand what happened with the police.

Move out with the younger son and leave the arses to it.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/12/2023 02:27

Is no one going to protect your other son from this fucking nightmare? Take him with you and get out of that house. Put him first for once.

Original poster
Squeaky2023 · 23/12/2023 08:11

I doubt DS2 would agree to come with me.

OP posts:
JaneAustensHeroine · 23/12/2023 08:28

Oh OP, if DS2 doesn’t come with you then at least he has had the option and he may come and stay in the future if things continue to be challenging. Seeing you walk away from it gives a clear message to him about having boundaries. You can offer DS2 a safe space if and when he needs it.

I’m sorry you are in this awful situation and I wish you well. Please find a safe space for yourself.

JaneAustensHeroine · 23/12/2023 08:30

How old is DS2 OP?

Eveeeeeee · 23/12/2023 08:38

Is DS1 getting any mental health support? Does he work?

Are you getting any support?

I do agree with the consensus to leave and take DS2 with you.

Original poster
Squeaky2023 · 23/12/2023 09:21

DS2 is 15.
DS 1 is in a great apprenticeship. He is very well thought of at work and is good at his job. It's an all male environment.
ATM I'm in bed having been up half the night. I can't stop crying. I am not able for difficult conversations. It's only led to conflict. I feel very unwell and think about dying a lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
Squeaky2023 · 23/12/2023 09:24

Re support: private psychiatrist for both DS1 and I. DS1 still smokes cannabis after dropping £2.5k to try to get him sorted.
My prescription from private psych; he spelled my name wrong and has gone off on a long holiday so I can't get my meds. The NHS won't fill it and I can't deal with them anyway.
We've no money left now after the private medical fees.

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 23/12/2023 09:29

Seriously OP you can't live like this, it sounds terrible. Your son is terrorising you in your own home and your DH is enabling him. Oh and he is violent btw, punching walls could easily escalate. If you can leave with DS 2 l urge you to do so. If DS 2 wont leave with you at least you can give him the choice and a safe haven to escape to. Please speak to Women's Aid for advice and support.

Original poster
Squeaky2023 · 23/12/2023 09:35

When I feel stronger, I will do x

OP posts:
Mercurysinretrograde · 23/12/2023 11:08

Sorry OP but no-one should have to live like this. If your DH wants to enable DS1 then he should do so on his own. You sound like you are just expected to put your needs last all the time even if it means no quality of life for you, and it is clear that your DH has lost all perspective. In your situation I would not stay - especially if it is affecting your mental health. Can you go stay with relatives for a few days? Then get their help to work out a plan to move out?

JaneAustensHeroine · 23/12/2023 11:51

💐 for you OP. Please call a friend or the Samaritans if you want to talk with someone over the holiday period. As other posters have said remove yourself from the environment if you can even for an hour or two…see a friend or another member of your family…go for a walk or coffee with DS2. Anything to give yourself some space for an hour or an afternoon.

The NHS does have crisis support too so call 111 and choose the mental health option.

I know you feel alone but there are lots of people you can talk to. Sometimes just talking it through can help.

Be gentle with yourself. This could be a turning point for you as I feel from your posts that you realise things can’t continue as they are. Next year can be different. Please seek support / counselling to help you make those changes.

Original poster
Squeaky2023 · 23/12/2023 17:06

Thank you. My sisters know and my parents. They are all a distance away, but their reactions told me something.

OP posts:
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