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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm the whipping boy in my own home

67 replies

Squeaky2023 · 22/12/2023 18:45

I've posted before about my 20 year old son. He's waged havoc and heartbreak more and more as he's getting older.
He's been arrested twice this summer. All his own fault. The second time it went badly wrong and the police officers in question are being investigated by professional standards. I called them because he was raging at us for blocking him from going out in his car while on some horrible street Valium.
Now, what the police did after that was vastly escalate things and we've all been living with the fall out and trauma ever since. I work for this police force and I would never ever call them again in this situation.
The problem is, my husband expects me to plaster on a smile, accept whatever DS says or does and would rather shout at me than DS.
I was just sitting with everyone when I was told I was being quiet by DS and off with him. DH joined in and I laughed. DS left and DH kept on at me. I told him than I had done nothing wrong, that I was reeling from a tirade from DS from Monday and that I was fine. I just needed to be quiet. He kept on so I told him to leave me the fuck alone.
He followed me and continued to shout and pin everything on me.
I've told him that we have been going on like this for years and I was no longer his wife, but part of a pair of dancing monkeys whose purpose is to appease DS. I've told him I want a divorce. He is basically telling me that I am mad until I don't know which was is up or down.
I am mad? I don't know anymore?
I do react and I was working so hard to just be quiet and for them to leave me alone but they kept on. So I shouted back when he followed me. I've told him I can't live with the amount of turmoil DS brings and he is always trying to get me to put up and shut up.
We had a lovely marriage. It's not a marriage anymore.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 23/12/2023 17:46

Squeaky2023 · 23/12/2023 08:11

I doubt DS2 would agree to come with me.

Do you know how he'd like to deal with the situation? Can you ask him?

Original poster
Squeaky2023 · 27/12/2023 12:53

Thanks for all the replies.
We are not quite at women's aid yet.
We had a calm Christmas but DS1 is back to being a pain today after I asked why he wanted a copy of my signature.
It's not fucking unreasonable to ask why.
There's nowhere to go. DS2 is taking his GCSEs this year. He is quiet. This will be because of what is going on. He will also side with DS1 because it's easier than to go against him.
My husband is now defensive along with DS1, so I am the common denominator here.
There's nowhere to go, there's no money to move out of my lovely house. And there's no talking to DS1.

OP posts:
Original poster
Squeaky2023 · 27/12/2023 12:59

I was quite happy at work thinking, "oh we can all have a Chinese takeaway tonight" but no. No lousy takeaway for me. I'll go straight up to my room out of the way. I don't want to see DH and DS1. I don't want this life.

OP posts:
GrumpyPanda · 27/12/2023 12:59

A copy of your signature! So he's getting into fraud now? You'd better check your credit rating. And maybe have another go at asking police for help - would this be a different term?

Original poster
Squeaky2023 · 27/12/2023 13:01

And DS1, aged 20, was asking where we were going on holiday this summer.

OP posts:
Original poster
Squeaky2023 · 27/12/2023 13:02

GrumpyPanda · 27/12/2023 12:59

A copy of your signature! So he's getting into fraud now? You'd better check your credit rating. And maybe have another go at asking police for help - would this be a different term?

No it's for a subject access data request as I am on police BWV footage when they arrested him.

OP posts:
WinterDeWinter · 27/12/2023 13:02

Op, this sounds awful - but you haven’t mentioned why you think he’s like this or whether he or you as a family have had any therapy.

Original poster
Squeaky2023 · 27/12/2023 13:06

WinterDeWinter · 27/12/2023 13:02

Op, this sounds awful - but you haven’t mentioned why you think he’s like this or whether he or you as a family have had any therapy.

We've dropped £2.5k on a private psychiatrist.
He still smokes pot. He has ADHD.
At the grand old age of 50+ I have also been diagnosed with ADHD.
So much pressure from DH to tiptoe around and not react. I'm not like myself anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Squeaky2023 · 27/12/2023 13:07

WinterDeWinter · 27/12/2023 13:02

Op, this sounds awful - but you haven’t mentioned why you think he’s like this or whether he or you as a family have had any therapy.

Family therapy would be too traumatic for DS2. He's only 15. He's listened to enough shit. It could be good for the rest of us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Squeaky2023 · 27/12/2023 13:09

He has had counselling. It didn't last long.
I have had individual counselling in the past, but I just found it embarrassing talking to some random woman over the phone while thinking, "I know what's wrong, I am telling you what is wrong and you are just leaving silences when I finish speaking."

OP posts:
SeulementUneFois · 27/12/2023 13:11

OP

Go and stay with your sister for a few days.

WinterDeWinter · 27/12/2023 13:15

Squeaky2023 · 27/12/2023 13:07

Family therapy would be too traumatic for DS2. He's only 15. He's listened to enough shit. It could be good for the rest of us.

Show quote history

Not everyone he to attend, you can do it without ds2 (though he also needs individual therapy).

to be honest, op, as horrible as DS1’s behaviour is, and as much as it’s affecting you all, it’s come from somewhere and he likely needs long term help. £2.5k won’t touch the sides with private medicine. He needs a referral to nhs psychiatry and you and your dh need to make that happen. It will be slow.

Because he’s so awful, you’ve forgotten that he’s a child (or was when his difficulties started.) as hard as it is - and I really do know it is - you need to start from that position. If you can get some way there, it will be slightly easier to tolerate personally I think.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 27/12/2023 13:15

Got to a family members and offer da2 to come for the break too.
You can talk to him there give him so peace of mind.

You NEED to get out find a rental and offer ds2 a safe place to live . If he comes he comes I think he will Eventually.
Once ok your nee home you can go at t a solicitor for the house sale .
get your not so lovely (h) to buy you out.

Noorandapples · 27/12/2023 13:17

You might be surprised by ds2, I wonder if you quietly tell him to pack a few bags and go with you without letting the others know he probably will. Either way, once you've had a week out of the house you'll be able to think clearly.

WinterDeWinter · 27/12/2023 13:21

The dope will be an attempt to self medicate the adhd (obvs makes things worse in the long run). Is he medicated for adhd?

he likely has a very poor self image from how others responded to his adhd when he was a child. Those responses will have become a family dynamic of some kind.

rejection sensitivity disorder is also v common in adhd, and there are other emotional /psychological symptoms that aren’t necessarily discussed at diagnosis.

if he’s medicated for adhd already, you could ask for him to be referred back to the adhd clinic. It can be easier to get further help via them than via a fresh referral from gp.

WinterDeWinter · 27/12/2023 13:23

Also - counselling is really not enough for a situation like this. It’s not much more than ‘active listening’ tbh.

for anything serious you need a psychotherapist.

Mercurysinretrograde · 27/12/2023 13:28

OP if you can’t leave right now, maybe try to carve out some space for yourself for your own sanity? Stop on the way home for that Chinese dinner, by yourself. Maybe join a gym where you can go regularly after work for a swim and a sauna? They can cook their own dinner and you will be calm when you get home (and less time spent there).

retinolalcohol · 27/12/2023 13:30

Yeah your DH needs to get his head round the fact that ADHD is no excuse to be behaving like DS1 is. I have ADHD and significant trauma, but would sooner die than put my family through that. Someone can be neurodivergent and a selfish arse simultaneously.

These behaviours do often indicate mental health issues, so it's good that you have helped him access a psychiatrist. The thing is though, you can only help him as far as he wants to be helped. If he is still taking drugs, which will be impacting his mental health and cognitive function, he evidently is not there yet in terms of wanting to get better at any cost.

It's difficult because I am of the opinion that as long as he keeps being enabled, the behaviour will likely continue - so he needs to reach rock bottom. But if he is a suicide risk I know how difficult that would be for you. You have my sympathies Flowers

DriftingDora · 27/12/2023 13:33

OP, is there any help available to you through your job (staff welfare, etc)? Apologies if you don't want to involve them in your private life, but just a thought that this might be an avenue.

retinolalcohol · 27/12/2023 13:42

Also some people with ADHD are super sensitive to perceived criticism - however tiny it may seem to you. I definitely am in some cases.
Could it be that he's lashing out as a result of this? This isn't me saying that you should never call him out (you should!) but perhaps he needs medication & therapy to understand that his thought patterns are not quite as they should be? This really helped me. I still am super sensitive but have learnt to question my perceptions.

People with ADHD are also far more prone to addiction and drug abuse because we don't have a normal dopamine response. We constantly seek it and as a result can engage in risk taking behaviours. He likely isn't going to be able to stop taking drugs on his own, so maybe he needs some help with that also

LifeExperience · 27/12/2023 13:55

There's a lot more going on here than adhd. I was the second child in an eerily similar scenario. The good child who stayed quiet and out of the way while my brother raged, did drugs, ran the streets, stole my father's wedding ring to pawn for drugs...you name it, he did it.

My older brother died of an overdose decades ago, but the horror of my childhood lives on. Please, OP, get DS2 out of there so he can get away from the tumult. You are damaging him by keeping him there. You do not have the right to close down and decide you're not strong enough to do right by your younger child. Tell your weak, feckless husband that you and DS are leaving and then DO IT! TAKE ACTION! You MUST protect your second son.

Original poster
Squeaky2023 · 27/12/2023 14:32

LifeExperience · 27/12/2023 13:55

There's a lot more going on here than adhd. I was the second child in an eerily similar scenario. The good child who stayed quiet and out of the way while my brother raged, did drugs, ran the streets, stole my father's wedding ring to pawn for drugs...you name it, he did it.

My older brother died of an overdose decades ago, but the horror of my childhood lives on. Please, OP, get DS2 out of there so he can get away from the tumult. You are damaging him by keeping him there. You do not have the right to close down and decide you're not strong enough to do right by your younger child. Tell your weak, feckless husband that you and DS are leaving and then DO IT! TAKE ACTION! You MUST protect your second son.

Ok, so let me know where I find thousands of pounds and my 15 year old's compliance and I will indeed move out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Squeaky2023 · 27/12/2023 14:34

DS1 is on ADHD medication. He's had loads of help, counselling, psychiatry etc. Because of spending money on this, I have no money to move out. I might manage a Travelodge for a week.
There's nothing left. He's had it all.

OP posts:
spiderleggings · 27/12/2023 14:46

Social services OP. You have a child in a unliveable, damaging environment and you and your husband are also struggling keeping him safe

Seas164 · 27/12/2023 14:57

Squeaky2023 · 27/12/2023 14:34

DS1 is on ADHD medication. He's had loads of help, counselling, psychiatry etc. Because of spending money on this, I have no money to move out. I might manage a Travelodge for a week.
There's nothing left. He's had it all.

Most women that moved away from a similar situation didn't find a bag of cash under the sofa to make it easy, but there will be steps you can take, advice and support you can seek, and compromises you can make in order to get out of there. Use what you've got to provide DS2 a safe home if nothing else.