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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm the whipping boy in my own home

67 replies

Squeaky2023 · 22/12/2023 18:45

I've posted before about my 20 year old son. He's waged havoc and heartbreak more and more as he's getting older.
He's been arrested twice this summer. All his own fault. The second time it went badly wrong and the police officers in question are being investigated by professional standards. I called them because he was raging at us for blocking him from going out in his car while on some horrible street Valium.
Now, what the police did after that was vastly escalate things and we've all been living with the fall out and trauma ever since. I work for this police force and I would never ever call them again in this situation.
The problem is, my husband expects me to plaster on a smile, accept whatever DS says or does and would rather shout at me than DS.
I was just sitting with everyone when I was told I was being quiet by DS and off with him. DH joined in and I laughed. DS left and DH kept on at me. I told him than I had done nothing wrong, that I was reeling from a tirade from DS from Monday and that I was fine. I just needed to be quiet. He kept on so I told him to leave me the fuck alone.
He followed me and continued to shout and pin everything on me.
I've told him that we have been going on like this for years and I was no longer his wife, but part of a pair of dancing monkeys whose purpose is to appease DS. I've told him I want a divorce. He is basically telling me that I am mad until I don't know which was is up or down.
I am mad? I don't know anymore?
I do react and I was working so hard to just be quiet and for them to leave me alone but they kept on. So I shouted back when he followed me. I've told him I can't live with the amount of turmoil DS brings and he is always trying to get me to put up and shut up.
We had a lovely marriage. It's not a marriage anymore.

OP posts:

Original poster

Squeaky2023 · 27/12/2023 15:01

DriftingDora · 27/12/2023 13:33

OP, is there any help available to you through your job (staff welfare, etc)? Apologies if you don't want to involve them in your private life, but just a thought that this might be an avenue.

Yes there is a Domestic Abuse Pledge at work,but I doubt myself that it is DA when my DH is telling me that he never has these interactions with DS1 and it is the way I talk to him. I think it is DA, but if I ever said this at home, I would be told that I just have to try to get along with DS1 better. He doesn't quite say "watch your tone with him." But this is what it is.
One of the times DS1 was arrested, I called police to prevent him from drug driving. DS1 was aggressive, looming over us, shouting. He had calmed down when they got there, but they escalated it and arrested him. They did the worst damage for no reason and we are living with the fall out.
I no longer know which way is up.

OP posts:

Blobblobblob · 27/12/2023 15:09

Your son is an abuser and your husband is an enabler.

You need to get away from them both.

spiderleggings · 27/12/2023 15:18

Talk more about how you think the police escalated and are to blame for the fall out

SecondUsername4me · 27/12/2023 15:23

Take ds2 out on a walk. Ask him how is finding home life and revision for exams. Suggest to him that you and he could go find a little flat for a few months to escape the madness and for him to have quiet to focus - with as many visits back to dad as he likes of course.

Hubblebubble · 27/12/2023 15:30

It's emotional abuse and coercive contril. Access that DA pledge at work.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 27/12/2023 15:33

Squeaky2023 · 23/12/2023 09:35

When I feel stronger, I will do x

Please do it soon, ring Womens Aid, do it tomorrow. Pick the phone up and talk to someone. You are being abused by both men, your eldest is a man, he’s not a child and your husband is belittling you and allowing the other man in the house to abuse you. He’s afraid of him and deflects his anger and violence from his son away from himself onto the two most vulnerable people in the house…you and dc2.

SecondUsername4me · 27/12/2023 15:34

but I doubt myself that it is DA when my DH is telling me that he never has these interactions with DS1 and it is the way I talk to him. I think it is DA, but if I ever said this at home, I would be told that I just have to try to get along with DS1 better

Your husband is gaslighhting you. He and ds1 are so similar that if you scrutinise ds1 behaviour too much you'll see that they are both treating you terribly, and it's not in dh interest for you to learn this.

DriftingDora · 27/12/2023 15:45

Daffodilsandtuplips · 27/12/2023 15:33

Show quote history

I agree with this - your husband is frightened and this IS domestic abuse. It should be taken seriously under your employer's DA policy. Things are not going to get any better, so unless your husband and eldest son move out or are forced out, you need to protect yourself and your youngest son.

Sunsetred · 27/12/2023 15:58

It sounds like you were giving your DS1 and possibly DH the silent treatment because of an argument with your son earlier in the week? My mum used to do this and it would change the mood of the entire household. For days we would walk on egg shells. We were teenagers and hormonal and would have outbursts occasionally but my mum would make it all about her. You seem the same. I think my DM is a narcissist mother. It's odd that your DH and DS2 side with your DS1 if he is as bad as you say. He has a great apprenticeship and has made a few bad life choices. Don't make it all about you.

festivetinseling · 27/12/2023 16:00

Squeaky2023 · 22/12/2023 19:53

No not violent, will punch the walls and shout.

What do you mean not violent? Punching the walls is very much a violent act and speaks of the threat that you could be next.

Original poster

Squeaky2023 · 27/12/2023 18:02

I've been looking at house shares. How sad is that, in my 50's?
I just have to have a talk to DS2, which I am loathe to do, as it's putting some of it, acknowledging it to him.
As for the person who suggested I am a narcissist; this has been levelled at me, by DS1, along with everything else he feels free to say to me. I don't know what I am. I honestly can't tell you that I am not a narcissist as I have been told I am a dreadful person so many times by DS1.

OP posts:

Original poster

Squeaky2023 · 27/12/2023 18:03

Sitting in my car now building up to going into the house.

OP posts:

BMW6 · 27/12/2023 18:08

OP could you live with a family member for a year or so to sort yourself out financially for independent living?

If you could break away DS2 may join you.

At the moment 3 people are suffering for the sake of 1.

BMW6 · 27/12/2023 18:11

Absolutely nothing Sad about a houseshare to save your sanity and possibly life, and that of DS2.

Much sadder to stay and be destroyed.

RantyAnty · 27/12/2023 19:37

Agree nothing sad about saving your self and your child from abuse.

A house share with another woman near your age might turn out to be lovely.

I hope you can call women's aid and have a chat.

Flyhigher · 28/12/2023 02:29

I know this feeling. I have 1 DD. And I have a bit similar. I don't know who I am anymore either.

Original poster

Squeaky2023 · 29/12/2023 07:37

I am furious. I want him out, not me. DH does not want him out because he threatens suicide and has no friends. DH is asking where my empathy is for him. I do not have any left for DS.
I'm 50, I have a demanding job, which I'd love to be able to concentrate on and do really well at instead of just surviving, I am peri-menopausal, recently diagnosed with ADHD and cannot get the right meds for. I've nothing more to give to DS. He's taken everything and broken my heart.

OP posts:

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